1. Never
Do you use this word when describing your partner’s behaviors, intentions, etc..?? If you do, stop it. It’s most likely not even remotely true. “You NEVER consider my feelings.” Never is really a clue for you. It could be your partner is yearning for a closer connection but going about it in a backwards way. It might be them covertly saying “I want you to know how much I need and care for you and I am not feeling that you want this, too.” Instead of arguing that you absolutley do “X,Y and Z”, connect tiwth the emotion behind the frustration. Is it fear, sadness or something else? Get curious instead of defensive.
2) Always
Always. Again, probably not true. Always and never are like evil twins. Get them out of your vocabulary. Instead of saying always, assert your frustration and be specific. “I am getting tired of feeling like I pick up your dirty clothes on a daily basis. That might not be totally accurate, but it sure feels that way.” Always and Never are received as a global attack on somebody’s character. Instead, focus on how the behaviors or events impact you on a personal level, keep it about yourself and not how horrible the other person is. If you want the other person to have sympathy for you, attacking them is never the way to go. Hey babe, I know you have long days too, and that you just want to relax when you get home, however just dumping your stuff on the floor feels like I am your housekeeper and I need to clean up. Tidiness calms me down, so if you could help me with staying calm, that would be great.”
3) But
I love you BUT…. Ick. We all know that line. When you throw a BUT into a sentance it negates the first half of what you said! It makes it completely irrelevant, You can have the exact same sentance if you replace BUT with AND. I love you AND when you come to bed at 3 am it messes up my sleep. I love you AND when you use that tone with me I feel like a child. I completely disagree with you AND you are entitled to your opinion.
Try to kick those words out of your vernacular. Those words suck AND when I use them my husband is quick to remind me about the 3 bad words. As always, we are shooting for a B+ / A- range for being in tune and staying connected. Nobody has an A+ unless they are brushing things under the rug, which leads to resentment and other nasty things. Learn to air your grievances in a way that will allow your partner to give you everything you want.
Need help in these areas? Call us! We are a group of relationship experts. 303-881-3355