I loved playing mad-libs as a kid!! Just fill in the blanks for endless fun! Maybe it's because of that that I love this mad-libs-esque communication tool. While it is admittedly not as fun, it can be helpful to communicate more effectively and get back to having fun.
So, here's the format, and then I'll break it down.
"When you ____(behavior), I felt_____(emotion). The story I told myself was_____(thought)."
Let’s break it down, shall we?
1. When you_____ (behavior)
It’s important here for the behavior to be something observable and singular. So, no discussion of what someone thought or felt. No "always" or "never". No laundry list of offenses that have occurred over the years. No inserting judgement or commentary. A good example would be "when you didn't call at 7pm like we had agreed upon" or "when you said that thing" or "when you closed the door loudly", etc. Short and simple is best.
2. I felt______(emotion)
Again, short and simple statement of a feeling. This is hard. It takes work to put names to our emotions. But sharing the underlying feeling builds understanding and empathy. Examples are "hurt", "sad", "embarrassed", "scared" etc.
3. The story I told myself was______(thought)
This is the money shot. This helps you identify why you were hurt or sad or angry. It also gives space for the idea that your feelings were based on your perspective and interpretation, which is valid, but may not be the whole story. It builds vulnerability and deeper understanding and can help the other person validate your experience, even if they have a different viewpoint. It also helps identify the core issue so there can be better problem solving or so the other person can clarify their behavior or offer reassurance. Examples might be "the story I told myself was that you forgot about me", "the story I told myself was that you were making fun of me", "the story I told myself was that you were mad at me."
Pro tip: while this is good to share out loud, it can also be a good journaling exercise if you're triggered or need to have a conversation. See if you can take time to fill out the three components to get a better handle on your own experience so you can better understand and validate yourself.
There you go! It may take some practice, but give it a ____(verb)! See what I did there!? Ha!