Recently I have had a lot of families seeking my help because the dynamics between parents and their adult children have become so conflicted and found communication so difficult that the family members have cut themselves off from one another. There is no one type of interaction, parenting style, or conflict that leads to estrangement or family cutoff and it is rarely due to one event but rather more likely to be the result of a history of complicated factors.
Family cutoff is common, and often a healthy choice, when there is toxic parenting, abuse, or addiction within the family. More than one in every four American adults are estranged from a family member. However, family estrangement and cutoff are becoming more common for less severe reasons. Our increased mobility, focus on personal well-being, and a shift towards a more individualistic culture means that many are less reliant on relatives than in previous generations. Joshua Coleman, an author on family cutoff, writes, “today nothing ties an adult child to a parent beyond that adult child’s desire to have that relationship.”
Western society has also become more politically and culturally divided than ever and families are following this pattern. Value differences related to disagreements of opinion about sexual orientation, gender identity, religious beliefs, politics, and race has been cited as the cause of family estrangement by more than one in three mothers in the US. Most recently, disagreements the COVID-19 pandemic and vaccination have led to more family estrangement.
In addition to disagreements and value differences other common reasons for family division include, lack of flexibility when one family member asks for a change in the relationship dynamics, including the lack of respect for new boundaries, holding on to perceived slights from the past, disagreements about money or inheritance, perceived or actual differences in the treatment of siblings, uneven division in responsibility for aging parents, or loyalty to a newer relationships (spouses taking precedence over parents). As opposed to the more severe reasons for family cutoff, these conflicts mostly come down to the inability to resolve conflict, communicate in a healthy manner, and to listen effectively to one another.
The good news is there is hope for reconciliation. Family estrangement is rarely permanent and often comes with cycles of cutoff, distance, and reconciliation. However, the best solution is not to “let it go,” “just get over it,” or “forgive and forget.” Both parties need to work on their communication, understanding, and extend empathy for one another, not to exonerate someone for their wrongs, but rather to make that person’s behavior less personal to you. Adult children who understand that most parents do the best they can with the tools they have will be more likely to understand perceived slights or mistakes their parents made are not personal but rather a part of being human.
For the relationship to move forward, it is important for both parties to be able to express and what has hurt them in the past in and feel heard.
Parents who can listen to their adult children without defensiveness and validate their experiences, even if they disagree with their interpretation of events, are perceived as more easily approachable by their children and lessen the likelihood of harsh disagreements in the future. It’s also vital for both parties to accept their family members as they are without accepting their hurtful behavior.
You have a right not to be attacked or blamed for all the bad outcomes in a person’s life. If not approached in the right way by both parties, these conversations can be hurtful and can lead to further conflict, especially if you are dealing with a toxic parent or complicating factors such as abuse or addiction. If this is the case, then seeking professional help from a neutral party who can mediate is recommended.
Other sources on family cutoff and estrangement:
Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them by Karl Andrew Pillemer
Brothers, Sisters, Strangers: Sibling Estrangement and the Road to Reconciliation by Fran Schumer Chapman
Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict by Joshua Coleman
Family Estrangement: A Matter of Perspective by Kylie Agliias
If you are dealing with estrangement from your family and want to talk or need help bringing your family back together, please reach out to us. We are here to help you find your way back to happiness, whatever that might look like.