“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” – Prentis Hemphil.
A lot of my clients who have struggled in relationships that turn into codependent disasters and end up coming to me to learn how to change patterns so they can have a healthy relationship they love. Inevitably, we talk about boundaries in the relationship. And inevitably, we discover they don't know what's reasonable and what's healthy for them to want and need and expect from others. Sometimes people have been so focused on others it doesn't even occur to them they can ask for help with their own needs. Some don't even know what their own needs are. Sound familiar? Thankfully, no matter where you are on the codependency spectrum, there's help and hope out there.
I like being practical, but I also am a big believer in looking at function rather than form when it comes to what to ask for in relationships. It may look different from person to person or from day to day, but boundaries should function to support attachment needs. One of the biggest attachment needs we have is to know that your loved one is generally and predictably accessible. You should be able to know that the person is available to you and when/how you can get a hold of them and get their attention. So, it’s fair to ask for accessibility from your partner. When will they be home? What’s the best way to reach them? When you reach for them, will they show you that you're a priority and listen to you? These are starting places for defining your boundaries and expectations of other's accessibility.
But if we look at the quote above, boundaries in our relationships should protect our ability to love ourselves, and therefore also protect our ability to be accessible to ourselves and our own lives. When it comes to thinking about reasonable boundaries in a relationship, it’s important to set up boundaries that protect your ability to show up for your work, your family/friends/community and your health and self-care. You don't want to wrap up your life in another person and relationship at the exclusion of your relationship with your life.
You also want to think about setting up boundaries that protect your ability to be accessible to yourself. You need enough time and space to listen to what you think and feel and need. After all, if you don't have time to know what you need, how can you share those needs with others? Maybe you practice being accessible to yourself by setting aside time to journal, or take walks or drives or baths where you can think, or time to paint or dance and express yourself, or time with friends or with a therapist where you can process feelings out loud. Think about creating boundaries that help you be accessible to yourself.
This stuff is hard. If you struggle with this, you're not alone and don't have to figure it out on your own. There's hope and were here to help. If you need help setting or keeping boundaries with your partner, parents or friends, please reach out so we can work together to give you the space you need in your relationships.