Negative Sentiment Override - Understand It And Stop It

Dr. John Gottman coined the term negative sentiment override to explain when negative feelings about the relationship or our partner override any positive feelings, even when our partner is attempting to be generous or thoughtful.  Unfortunately, our hyper-vigilance for criticism forces us to ignore positive interactions or events.  Rather, we see them as neutral or even assign negative meanings.  Reality then is distorted because we minimize the positive while we maximize the negative in our relationship.  As a result, our partner cannot seem to do anything right, which intensifies feelings of loneliness and powerlessness and can even change the lens through which one remembers the past, making fond memories negative.

Unfortunately, you can’t just choose to switch out of negative sentiment override, as it cannot be worked on directly.  One or both partners being in this state is an indicator that aspects of the relationship have not been going well.  As a result, it will require time and patience to repair.  When it comes to negative sentiment override and making your relationship better for both of you, consider focusing your efforts on the following areas, which include the friendship principles of Dr. Gottman’s Sound Relationship House:

BUILD LOVE MAPS 

Dedicate time to building a road map in your mind of your partner’s inner world that includes thoughts, feelings, hopes, aspirations, dreams, values, and goals.  Love Maps are built by asking open-ended questions and, more importantly, remembering the answers. 

SHARE FONDNESS AND ADMIRATION

Dedicate time to building a culture of respect, which means partners catch one another doing something right and then convey appreciation, respect and affection verbally and nonverbally. Fondness and admiration are built with a positive habit of mind that encourages your ability to ignore your partner’s mistakes and instead notice your partner’s positive contributions to the relationship. Both partners need to actively express fondness, appreciation, affection, and respect.

TURN TOWARD BIDS

Dedicate time to making bids for connection, which are when partners verbally or non-verbally communicate their needs for attention or connection to one another. Once a bid for connection has been made, the other partner can either turn towards the bid by responding positively to it, turn away from the bid by ignoring their partner, or turn against the bid by verbally or nonverbally attacking their partner for making the bid. When partners turn towards each other’s bids for connection, it’s the equivalent of depositing money in an emotional bank account that gets built up over time. Further, be mindful that there is a hierarchy of bidding, from asking for and getting the partner’s attention to asking for and receiving the partner’s empathy and emotional support.

If you are struggling with Negative Sentiment Override, or other issues in your relationship, and are ready to get back on track, please reach out today or make an appointment so we can start rebuilding.

Gottman, J. M. & Silver, Nan (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Gottman, J. M (2011). The science of trust: Emotional attunement for couples.

How to Let Someone Love You

We all know that relationships are hard. People can be mean or cold or violent or inconsistent. They can abandon you or invalidate you or scare you or hurt you. (Am I selling relationships or what!?!). As a therapist specializing in couples counseling, I help people who need to talk through those risks.

What I hadn’t heard being talked about much, but what I’m talking about a lot with clients now,  is how hard it is to let people actually love you and treat you well.

It’s so hard that instead we accept less than we deserve. Or we push away people who are present and attentive. Or we start to give away parts of our selves or our boundaries because it’s hard to trust that love can be ours if we remain our true self.  Despite wanting love, allowing ourselves to be loved can be so so hard. 

If what you are reading sounds like what you are going through, that’s OK! Becasue:

1. You’re not alone

2. There’s probably some important and valid and painful reasons why being loved feels so hard

3. Change is possible.

Start to watch for places you block love. Start to watch for places you don’t have love or show love for yourself. Start to take baby steps towards being loving to yourself and letting other’s love in. 

If you are struggling with this in your life, please reach out or book an appointment. We are here and ready to help.

-Erika

Attachment and How It Impacts Your Relationships

Attachment is a bond that is formed in early childhood between infants and their primary caregivers. Attachment bonds impact our relationships well into adulthood and informs how we think about ourselves, how we relate to others, and how we function in romantic relationships. We are biologically wired for attachment because it ensures that we are safe and can survive the years when we are too young to care for ourselves.

Secure attachment bonds form when babies cry and caregivers are effective in soothing the child. Secure children expect that when they reach out, a caregiver will be there to respond to their needs. These individuals grow into adults who find it relatively easy to be close to their romantic partners and are comfortable depending on them.

An insecure attachment bond forms when caregivers are inconsistent, unreliable, or inappropriate in responding to the child’s emotions. There are two common types of insecure attachment and are formed based on the type of caregiver response. Caregivers who are inconsistent in their response are sometimes effective in responding to a child’s needs and other times the child may feel ignored or shamed for their emotions. This produces children who have an anxious attachment style. In adult relationships these individuals often appear co-dependent and worry about whether or not they will be abandoned in their relationship.

When caregivers ignore or minimize their child’s emotions, children form avoidant attachments. As adults, these individuals minimize their own emotions and struggle to engage with their partner’s emotional needs. A third, less common insecure attachment style called disorganized attachment is formed when caregivers are so inconsistent in their responses that they become source of fear for the child. Because the child does not know what to expect, they attempt both anxious and avoidant strategies. Adults with disorganized attachment usually yearn for intimacy with a romantic partner but fear intimacy just as much.

Knowing your attachment style is key to understanding how you operate in all kinds of relationships, especially your romantic relationships. Please reach out or schedule an appointment if you are interested in understanding more about your or your partner’s attachment style.

"We don't have anything in common any more": PART 1: Listen Better!!

You're outdoorsy and he's a gamer. Your mom has a new passion for cross-stitching and tennis and that’s all she talks about. Your office mate just hiked another 14er....again.

I've been hearing a lot from clients who are struggling with relating in their relationships. This is part of one of a two part series to help you (re)connect in relationships.

Part of the disconnect can be that you aren't listening, aren't listening well, or aren't listening to the connective material in the other person's story. Here are some tips to start listening better.

1. Show up. Like really show up. Be present. Eliminate, or at least minimize, distractions, and focus on listening.

2. Stay engaged (non verbals). Listening is not a passive, spectator sport. I'm sure you have had someone passively hear you while they are checking Facebook, people watching, randomly and dispassionately saying "uh-huh", or totally spacing out. And I'm sure you've had someone actually be there, hold space for your words and feelings, and actively engage in the conversation by listening. Do that.

3. Listen for understanding. Don't listen just for your opportunity to make a point. Not just to get in a jab or a punch line. Not to one up you or turn the conversation back to yourself. Listen for emotions. Listen for thoughts or reactions that give you a glimpse into the other’s life. Listen so the other person leaves feeling seen and known. Listen to others how you like others to listen to you.

Why bother!?!

• It makes conversations more connective.

• It can reduce conflict, sometimes people escalate in order to be heard

• When people feel heard, they are likely to listen

• It's kind and validating for the other person

• Why not!?!

Happy listening!!

The Anatomy of an Argument: Step 6 - Give and Ask for Equal Regard

Brent Atkinson describes this step in the following terms.  “Let your partner know that you’re willing to keep an open mind to the potential merit of their viewpoint.  If a decision needs to be made, be willing to be flexible and attempt to find a middle ground.”  He goes on to say that successful relationships operate like a democracy - every person gets one vote and every vote counts equally without having to prove why their reasoning is valid.

Researchers can’t always tell in an argument what success looks like while couples are going at it.  Success sometimes shows up at the end of the argument.  When 2 people are willing to give equal regard to their partner’s point of view, even if they staunchly disagree, that’s where the success lies.

When one person tries to diminish another’s feeling, priorities or opinions, they are standing on shakey ground.  These aren’t facts, they are belief systems.  Stop thinking that your beliefs are the best.  The obviously perfect example is all over the news right now. Trump vs Hillary.  Thank goodness when you go to the polls you won’t have to defend your pick!  So stop putting your partner / spouse / best friend on the defensive, you won’t win.  You are only building up resentment.  Be a superstar and argue like a champ.  THAT’S how you actually win.

If you are looking for couples counseling for you and your spouse, or couples counseling for one, we would love to help. Make an appointment today.

Be sure to check out steps 1-5 of Anatomy of an Argument.