Negative Sentiment Override - Understand It And Stop It

Dr. John Gottman coined the term negative sentiment override to explain when negative feelings about the relationship or our partner override any positive feelings, even when our partner is attempting to be generous or thoughtful.  Unfortunately, our hyper-vigilance for criticism forces us to ignore positive interactions or events.  Rather, we see them as neutral or even assign negative meanings.  Reality then is distorted because we minimize the positive while we maximize the negative in our relationship.  As a result, our partner cannot seem to do anything right, which intensifies feelings of loneliness and powerlessness and can even change the lens through which one remembers the past, making fond memories negative.

Unfortunately, you can’t just choose to switch out of negative sentiment override, as it cannot be worked on directly.  One or both partners being in this state is an indicator that aspects of the relationship have not been going well.  As a result, it will require time and patience to repair.  When it comes to negative sentiment override and making your relationship better for both of you, consider focusing your efforts on the following areas, which include the friendship principles of Dr. Gottman’s Sound Relationship House:

BUILD LOVE MAPS 

Dedicate time to building a road map in your mind of your partner’s inner world that includes thoughts, feelings, hopes, aspirations, dreams, values, and goals.  Love Maps are built by asking open-ended questions and, more importantly, remembering the answers. 

SHARE FONDNESS AND ADMIRATION

Dedicate time to building a culture of respect, which means partners catch one another doing something right and then convey appreciation, respect and affection verbally and nonverbally. Fondness and admiration are built with a positive habit of mind that encourages your ability to ignore your partner’s mistakes and instead notice your partner’s positive contributions to the relationship. Both partners need to actively express fondness, appreciation, affection, and respect.

TURN TOWARD BIDS

Dedicate time to making bids for connection, which are when partners verbally or non-verbally communicate their needs for attention or connection to one another. Once a bid for connection has been made, the other partner can either turn towards the bid by responding positively to it, turn away from the bid by ignoring their partner, or turn against the bid by verbally or nonverbally attacking their partner for making the bid. When partners turn towards each other’s bids for connection, it’s the equivalent of depositing money in an emotional bank account that gets built up over time. Further, be mindful that there is a hierarchy of bidding, from asking for and getting the partner’s attention to asking for and receiving the partner’s empathy and emotional support.

If you are struggling with Negative Sentiment Override, or other issues in your relationship, and are ready to get back on track, please reach out today or make an appointment so we can start rebuilding.

Gottman, J. M. & Silver, Nan (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Gottman, J. M (2011). The science of trust: Emotional attunement for couples.

How Homework in Couples Counseling Helps Clients Connect

“Your scars are beautiful”

I have couples do weekly homework assignments.  They don’t take long and they are fun.  I explain to couples that just like going to the gym to build up biceps, reconnection doesn’t happen after one visit.  To build the emotional muscles in your brain, you need to exercise them consistently.  Here’s one of the coolest / loveliest / most darling responses to one of the questions asked that I have ever heard.

The statement to reply to is… “I am physically attracted to my partner.  Name one physical attribute you are attracted to.”

He said “I am attracted to so many things about you.  But the things I am most attracted to are your scars.  Your scars are beautiful.  I know what each of them means, I know what how each of them happened.”  These scars – some are small, some are pretty visible – like the one where the tracheotomy was in her neck – have a very intense story behind them.  What could be painful and awkward for her became powerful and intensely meaningful for each of them.  It’s a connection that only they have.

The smallest questions lead to profound answers neither one could ever guess would actually be spoken or written.  Couples therapy isn’t just about clearing the current crisis, it’s about reaching down deep to those astonishing and lovely insights.

I haven’t met a couple yet where AWESOME answers weren’t a part of the process.  If you or your spouse / partner want to uncover some of these touching insights, please get in touch with me and let’s get to work.  And yes, even my really angry couples have those moments where the walls begin to come down after going through these exercises.  EVERYBODY has hope and potential.

At Colorado Couples and Family Therapy, we have use many different resources and couples counseling techniques to aid you in your therapy journey. We are looking forward to working with you! Contact us today.

Back to School Basics: Timeouts

In most relationships, emotions can get real hot real quick. We say something hurtful. Our partner hurls a hurtful attack back. And on it goes. Not only feelings get hurt, but relationships are hurt and foundational trust is ruptured.

A quick, basic strategy to stop hemorrhaging, buy time, and not make things worse, is to establish a safe word. This is a word you say to signifying that you are hitting pause, taking space, and interrupting the hurt spiral. The word can be anything. I had one couple who said "muskrat." It’s hilarious, and because it’s hilarious, it helped diffuse hot conflicts. Hard to yell and laugh at the same time.But lately, I have been a fan of using "ouch" as the diffusing word. It’s a little more accurate, a little more vulnerable and true (often anger is a secondary emotion to hurt), and it can soften the interaction.

From that point, take an hour and reassess. If you're still too heated to talk, say so. "Hey, im not ready. This is important, but I’m still to heated to communicate effectively. Lets check back in in an hour." That second part is important because often one person can feel anxious or abandoned by the space. Or couples can hit pause and not return to the conflict which only leads to festering, undealt-with, emotions. This strategy should be agreed upon ahead of time so that both parties can agree upon the words and the terms and what the intention is behind hitting pause. This may need some experimentation and tweaking as you go, but is worth a try to start to help you get unstuck from ineffective and hurtful communication patterns.

Need help getting started with this practice? Need help in other areas of your relationship? We can help. Call us today and start rebuilding your relationship.

Back to School Basics: Praise your Partner

People respond to praise. People thrive on appreciation and attention. We know this. We practice it freely with pets and kids. We lavish praise when we're smitten with a new love interest. And although we know that it works and makes others feel good,  we often neglect this behavior when in a long term relationship

"If I praise them all the time, it won’t mean much"

"I shouldn't have to praise them, they should just do it because it needs to be done"

"I shouldn't have to praise them, they know I love them."

"I shouldn’t ask for praise, I should be an adult with no needs"

On a behavioral level, praise reinforces behaviors. Want your partner to take out the trash? Ask and then say "thank you". Bonus points for expanding on a "thank you" with feedback on what the behavior shows you about the person's character, how it helps you, or how it makes you happy (thank you. That was so thoughtful of you/ it saved me some time so I could get other things done/ it makes me feel special").

On an attachment level, praise demonstrates appreciation and respect and reassures the other person that they matter. Attachment takes work and maintenance and consistent praise and gratitude helps build that bond and create a sense of safety and connection. This is vital for the health of the relationship. And all it takes is a moment.

You're welcome!

Remember, You're a Team! - A Relationship Metaphor

Some parts of being in a relationship should be like being teammates. Let's examine some team dynamics that are worth considering:

• Teams practice. You may come in with skills but you spend time practicing and honing skills. If a teammate isn't improving or is getting worse, there is an attempt to help them improve. Feedback is given. Teammates don't just write off feedback, even if it is negative.

• Teams acknowledge complementary skills. Not everyone is the pitcher. Not everyone is the catcher. It's not necessarily that the requirements of different positions are always fair or even, but they acknowledge that they help each other and need each other's strengths to play well.

• Teams cheer each other on in success, share wins, console each other in loses.

• If your team mate has an off day, gets hurt, or plays poorly, you don't assume it's an attempt to hurt you or that it's your fault or that they are a bad human for being an imperfect player.

• Teams do bonding activities. Don't know how to bond with your partner? We can help with that. 

Play ball!!

Still struggling with creating a happy, healthy relationship? Contact us today and start improving your relationship tomorrow.