May Meditation Series: Mindfulness Snacks

Meditation doesn't have to be formal or last for extended periods of time. Sometimes, there is just as much benefit from doing random mindfulness throughout the day. The idea is to simply control your focus whenever you can/whenever you think of it. It will help with attention, help get unstuck from old patterns, help avoid being a mindless zombie, help cultivate excitement and gratitude, etc.

3 Basic ways to focus attention and be mindful:

1. Observe. Just notice. Look at your surroundings, your body, your thoughts. Move your eyes, move your head. Cultivate awareness and curiosity.

2. Describe. Put words to your experience. Lable what you notice. Try to avoid judgement. You can do this silently, in your head. You can also use this skill in conversation or by journaling.

3. Participate. Show up. Throw your whole body and mind into what you're doing. Let go of judgement or expectations or self consciousness.

Let's Talk About Triggers

Let’s be honest, it’s probably the recently past holiday season that’s inspiring me to write about triggers.  We all have them.  I’m guessing that when you combine family, food, alcohol and never ending Christmas music, most of us are bound to get triggered!  I’d bet that getting triggered is a part of life for anyone who spends any time around other people.  Getting triggered can be a complete disaster or no big deal at all.  It all depends on how we respond.  Think about it, if someone is constantly getting triggered and reacts with major emotional outbursts to every one, they may not have a lot of success functioning in our society.  Why we get triggered by some things and not by others is a bit of a mystery.  It can childhood experiences, upsetting events in life, or just plain old pet peeves!

If your goal is not let triggers impact your life in any meaningful way, then the key is to have little or no reaction to the triggering event.  In order to accomplish that, you must first dive into some self-awareness.  The first step is recognize when you are being triggered.  It’s generally a physiological reaction, so notice what’s going on in your body.  For me, my face gets hot, breathing gets short, and I lose any sense of patience immediately.  Noticing what happens in your body when you’re being triggered can help you figure out why someone’s seemingly innocent comment or action has made you feel furious out of nowhere. I am also able to notice that I am completely over-reacting to situation.  I’ll say to myself, “that wasn’t a big deal, why am so angry all of a sudden?!”  That’s one way I know I’m being triggered.

The next step is to monitor and control your reactions to being triggered.  Once you’ve been able to identify the feelings that are associated with your triggers, what is your reaction going to be?  If you’re like most of us, you’d like your reaction to be something along the lines of flipping over the nearest table doing your best impression of the Hulk.   However, if that is your response, you may not keep jobs or friends too easily.  Another common response is the passive aggressive approach.  This is when you keep all your anger and irritation on the inside, and respond with a calm, well thought out comment that you know will really upset the person triggering you.  What about a new approach?  The next time you get triggered, try first acknowledging that what’s happening to you by being aware of your physiological responses.  Then make a conscious choice to keep calm and come up with an appropriate response that you won’t regret later.  

If you are still having issues with triggers and feel like you need a little extra help, please reach out! I would love to talk to you.

Valentine's Day for One

I used to hate this holiday, even if I had a boyfriend.  So much pressure!  I always felt like I *should* be going out to dinner at an expensive restaurant but I didn’t want to. I didn’t like getting flowers and I am not a chocolate fan.  I would rather have a big steak and fries  So while this is a holiday totally geared towards couples, this year I am going to make it about me!  I think you should join me in the rebellion.

After I tend to the things I can’t ignore in the morning, the dog, my son and getting out of bed, here is my plan for the day.  I don’t want to come up with things at the last moment, so I am planing weeks in advance.  

Things I have planned to make this a lovely day for me, myself and I.  

*Breakfast - taking myself out for a quiet, peaceful way to start my day and really indulge in all the flavors.  No calorie counting allowed, mimosas encouraged.  I invited my good buddy Lindsay to come with me.  

*Pedicure - the longer version where it takes about an hour or more. Pamper pamper pamper me.

*Dog Park - this might seem odd, but I love going by myself and listening to my favorite book or podcast.  Fletcher can run around while I stroll.  Plan B if it’s a snow day: movie at home on couch with Fletcher, knitting and a roaring fire.

*Finish up my art project I started a few months ago.  

*Writing a love letter to somebody I love a whole bunch, somebody who won’t expect it.

*Dinner will be with my family because that would be weird to ignore them, plus I already made the entire first part of the day one of indulgence for myself.  Dinner will be about love in general.  It will also be steak and fries!  

The goal here is to know that you can bring self-love and compassion throughout the day.  You can do this any day of the year.  I just think it is fun to turn the tables on a traditional day and make it count for you and what you need.  I hope you join me and celebrate yourself all day long.  This could become a really cool habit.

Taking care of yourself 1st so you can then give back to others.

(P.S. - I just told Chad about this post and he said I should do this weekly.  MISSION ACCOMPLISHED)  

You Can Do Hard Things

When I did the LA marathon, I did it in memory of my grandma. She died of lung disease, so I ran to celebrate the use of my lungs in her honor and, to memorialize that intention, on my race bib it said, "for GG". 

I’d never run more than a half marathon before signing up for LA, but I trained well, even though all the training was hard. I got to the start line on race day and was so excited for the thing I'd been anticipating and preparing for that I went out fast. It didn't feel too fast - it felt great, and I was so proud of myself. But then I started to get tired, and my stomach cramped up. I saw a friend of mine pass me by and it looked like she was floating while I was barely hanging on and I was pissed at how hard this was for me. Then my legs started to hurt and added fear to my frustration. I stopped to walk in Beverly Hills. I was crying. It felt like my options were to get injured or quit. I took out my earbuds so I could ask someone to use their phone to call my parents to come get me. Just then someone happened to yell out "Do it for GG". "God damn it" I said with a laugh and the innate knowing of what I now had to do. I cried more...but they were different tears. I didn't quit. I walked a bit more but then started running and finished the damn thing. 

My takeaway is that when I'm tired, I don't have to be stubborn and hurt myself but also that I can tend to forget my own strength. I am helped by connecting to my goals and values and taking a little break to regroup and finish what I start. 

If you're like me and my clients, these last few years have been draining...to say it politely. Life just feels hard and burn-out either has happened, is happening, or is looming on the horizon for most of us. What do we do when life hands us hard things? What do we do when we're tired, even of the things we know we want to do?  What do we do when we're walking through Beverly Hills, towel in hand, looking to just throw it in? 

While you might not have run a marathon, but I imagine you've done hard things. Fuck that – I KNOW you've done hard things. It's helpful to know how you tend to respond to stress - I tend to ignore it, then judge it, then when I’m really stressed, I want to give up. And I’m a therapist and a marathon finisher. And that all still happens. You have probably observed patterns when at work or in relationships or even in traffic or a hard yoga class for how you respond. Know those and know they are signs of stress. You don't have to listen to them and let them dictate your behavior. But it does help to recognize them and acknowledge that you're stressed and need to do something about it. 

Then see if you can remember what you did to get through hard things in the past. For me, in the marathon it was taking a break and connecting to values and remembering my strength. I’m also helped reliably by music and talking to trusted people. Maybe you journal or do art or have a mantra or memory that helps you when you remember it. We all have our process. What’s yours? When you know what you've done in the past, you can be more confident that you can overcome the current situation and use past solutions as a jumping off point to problem solve whatever life stuff you're dealing with now. 

You also don't have to do all this alone. If you're stressed and overwhelmed and don't know where to start, reach out, we love to help! 

Holiday Travel Podcast List

While you're traveling this holiday season, check these out

The holidays bring lots of love, gifts, family, and travel. It also brings some opportunities to listen to podcasts. There are lots of long rides in the car or time sitting on a plane (or hiding in your room because you just can't anymore). Why not take those opportunities to learn something about yourself and relationships and how to kick ass at dealing with both yourself and your relationships. Here are a couple suggestions, my holiday gift to you!

1. We Can Do Hard Things - Glennon Doyle and Abby Wambach and guests discuss boundaries, living authentictically, and embracing life on life's terms. They often have guests which range from celebrities to athletes to sex therapists and more.

2. Foreplay Radio - A sex therapist and couples counselor take deep dives into all things sex and relationships with an EFT (emotionally focused therapy) lens. They do a great job of exploring and validating how each partner may be feeling about and reacting to relationship issues like porn, grief, and conflict. They are helpful in role-playing deeply connected and hones conversations which can help to model communication skills for you and your partner. You could listen alone or listen together and let the conversations be a jumping off point for conversations with your loved one.

Obviously these arent a substitute for therapy, but they are a great supplement to the work you're already putting in to yourself and your relationships.

Enjoy!

What I've been listen to: Tony Robbins interview of Esther Perel (Tony Robbins Podcast "Why do people cheat: Parts 1 and 2")

If you want to take an interesting deep dive into relationships and get some insights to help you thrive in your relationships, check out these episodes. Ester and Tony cover everything from attachment to communication to responsibility and intentionality. The first part is about relationships In general and the second one zeros in more on infidelity, which is Ester Perels realm of expertise. In all honesty, I listened to these episode several times to be able to more fully digest them because they're so juicy and dense. This therapy nerd highly recommends it!

Want more on what I am listening to? Check it all out here.

"We don’t have anything in common anymore" PART TWO: Tell better stories!!

I listen to podcasts. A lot. Excessively.

I’ve listened to ones by comedians and ones about serial murderers. Ive listen to shows about athletes and shows about gamers. Ive listened to ones about rappers and one's about farmers. You get it.

So what makes those random podcasts interesting to me? It’s not that I relate to the day to day comings and goings of a rap star or farm hand. It’s not that I've actually played a first person shooter video game or done a triathlon. It’s that these podcasts tell good stories.

I say this because many people get trapped in this notion that "our relationship suffers because we have nothing in common." Some are trapped because they are not listening to the other person to see the human experiences of success, pain, and emotion in a story (see my last blog on listening). Others are trapped because they don't tell good stories.

From my years working with individuals and couples and from my voracious consumption of comedy, podcasts, movies, books, etc, I offer a few tips to connect better by telling better stories:

1. Show up. If you want to tell a good story, show up. Don't be talking while watching t.v. or checking Facebook or looking for who else is at the party that you can talk to. If you want others to be present and engaged listeners, be a present and engaged talker.

2. Know your audience and try to connect with them. Try and speak their language and use examples they might relate to as a way to illustrate your point. People generally like to feel like you're talking spontaneously to them and not doing the same canned monologue that you've been telling at every water cooler for the past year. They also probably don't like feeling lost or left behind when you only speak in jargon without humbly offering to educate them. When people feel seen as a unique listener and that you are invested in helping them follow your story, they are often more open to listening.

3. Check for understanding. Its cool to geek out on details and minutia. But if you're going to take a deep dive into a topic, make sure your conversation partner is keeping up. Ask "does that make sense?", "Did I lose you?", "Do you know what I mean?", "You picking up what I'm throwing down?"...well maybe not the last one. And don't shame or belittle your listener if they don't get it.  They could have bull-shitted you but they cared enough to be honest and learn, so honor that.

4. Include a liberal amount of commentary and behind the scenes footage. People may not connect to how you're using a new code to work on the financial concerns of middle age men in Nebraska, but they may be interested in how you felt as you struggled to figure it out or the relief of completing it on time. Insights into the human experience behind the story, help connect. Authenticity is attractive in a speaker, so practice letting your guard down and speak from your heart.

Happy storytelling!!

"We don't have anything in common any more": PART 1: Listen Better!!

You're outdoorsy and he's a gamer. Your mom has a new passion for cross-stitching and tennis and that’s all she talks about. Your office mate just hiked another 14er....again.

I've been hearing a lot from clients who are struggling with relating in their relationships. This is part of one of a two part series to help you (re)connect in relationships.

Part of the disconnect can be that you aren't listening, aren't listening well, or aren't listening to the connective material in the other person's story. Here are some tips to start listening better.

1. Show up. Like really show up. Be present. Eliminate, or at least minimize, distractions, and focus on listening.

2. Stay engaged (non verbals). Listening is not a passive, spectator sport. I'm sure you have had someone passively hear you while they are checking Facebook, people watching, randomly and dispassionately saying "uh-huh", or totally spacing out. And I'm sure you've had someone actually be there, hold space for your words and feelings, and actively engage in the conversation by listening. Do that.

3. Listen for understanding. Don't listen just for your opportunity to make a point. Not just to get in a jab or a punch line. Not to one up you or turn the conversation back to yourself. Listen for emotions. Listen for thoughts or reactions that give you a glimpse into the other’s life. Listen so the other person leaves feeling seen and known. Listen to others how you like others to listen to you.

Why bother!?!

• It makes conversations more connective.

• It can reduce conflict, sometimes people escalate in order to be heard

• When people feel heard, they are likely to listen

• It's kind and validating for the other person

• Why not!?!

Happy listening!!