We know the Olympic season is over. So we thought we would publish a couples therapy post about the sport that all couples engage in at some point.
The Suffering Olympics
Playing the Victim: Who Wins?
We have all played it so don’t pretend you haven’t. Have you ever won? I’m sure you’ve lost. Who was more wronged in the last duel? Who was thrown off track or drowned in their own puddle of tears? Did your long game turn into the shortest one ever? Don’t let go of that victim's gold medal, you may need to pull it out again in a few minutes. While nobody ever really wins this battle, I am always impressed by how dug in people can get in their stance to win. Trust me when I say that being able to let the other person feel some empathy and consideration in the moment can take years and years of practice (raising my hand).
We want so badly for our partner to come rescue us and take ownership for making us feel bad and then help us feel better, then maybe we will forgive them for whatever transgression happened. I have news for you if you don’t already know this, you are in charge of your feelings. Can our partners be the impetus for launching us into the valley of despair and / or anger / resentment / pity / shame / guilt?
Sure, but it’s your fault if you stay there.
Choosing to Let Go of the Emotion
I heard once that the life of an emotion is 90 seconds. After that it’s our choice to keep going with it. This is not to say that the pain won’t linger or that the sting will vanish, it won’t. But stop giving it more power than it deserves. That’s a really big and frightening thing to absorb and I know a lot of people will disagree with me. That’s OK. I know from experience and doing years and years of my own work and years and years of working with couples, it’s true AND it can be incredibly hard.
Steps to Avoid the Suffering Olympics
You can’t both be the victim at the same time, it just doesn’t work. Instead, try these options so you don’t get pulled into this no win situation, which can also make you look petty.
Don’t seek to win the battle, seek understanding and to feel understood. This list comes from one of my long term mentor’s, Brent J. Atkinson.
Avoid negative judgements.
Get out of your own way and really listen to the other person. You don’t have to agree with them. But you need to understand that their perspective is probably really valid. They aren’t wrong, it’s just different than what you think. And you hate their opinion.
Find the understandable part.
Even if you don’t agree, if you can dig deep, you will find the part that makes sense to you. If you look at the situation from the other person’s perspective, you will find the understandable part of their protest.
Identify the underlying needs, values and worries.
These 3 things will likely be different for the two of you and that’s OK. Learn to respect them even when you don’t agree with them. Oftentimes, there are bigger things at stake but you are so caught up in being the bigger victim that you can’t see past yourself and your anger.
Offer assurance.
As Brent brilliantly says, “Arguments don’t have to be pretty in order to be productive. In fact, they can be downright ugly without causing lasting negative consequences. Studies reveal that partners destined to succeed are often defensive, bull-headed, and unresponsive to their partners. The difference is that, after a failed argument, people who are successful in their relationships repair the damage, whereas people who are unsuccessful don’t repair.”
Give and ask for equal regard.
“Relationship studies clearly suggest that if you want your partner to love and respect you, when you disagree, you won’t try to trump their feelings or priorities with your own. Studies suggest that there’s a line you simply can’t cross in relationships and get away with it. That line involves winning at the expense of your partner.” Brent, well said.
This is the best way I know how to get out of the Suffering Olympics. And hear me now- it takes a lot of practice, on the regular, every day. Practice this in really small ways daily and you will gain ground quickly. Don’t practice and you will stay entrenched in the same old stale and boring fights. And when you fall off track, because YOU WILL FALL OFF TRACK, don’t panic. I will also teach you the tools of how to have a successful repair. That’s for another post though. OK, start practicing. Give me a call if you need some expert coaching in this arena where we all fail at one point or another.
Unacceptable Offenses in Relationships
Here are the things that are not OK according to Brent
Deliberate and intentional lying or deception,
Being sexually unfaithful
Being physically aggressive,
Breaking a clear agreement without good reason,
Badmouthing or undermining,
Violating privacy or personal space
Making an irreversible unilateral decision regarding something about which the other partner has strong feelings.
If you’ve committed any of the above offensives, don’t panic. I’ve worked through all of these with thousands of couples over the years, you aren’t doomed. Reach out and let’s get the process started of letting go of this notion of the Suffering Olympics.