Why do you want to see us individually / I don’t want to see you individually / I don’t want my partner to see you individually / etc...
This protest comes up on occasion so I want to respond, and I am including thoughts from every therapist at CCFT. It’s actually paramount that we see you individually, and for some individuals that means frequently. That is not a problem or a reflection of the relationship. Please always remember that the growth of the relationship depends on the growth of you as an individual. If you don’t know your own growing edges, we have a problem. We want to be able to talk with you openly about where you need to improve without you feeling like you are being thrown under the bus in front of your partner. It is a very vulnerable position to be in when you are taking stock of your personal shortcomings. We want to help you navigate this path in the most productive way possible and meeting privately helps us move faster in a positive direction.
From all of us at CCFT, here are some reasons we see you separately...
Partners trigger each other. There’s no way around it. We meet individually so that we can learn coping skills and desensitize you to the triggers. We figure out ways for you to communicate effectively so that you trigger each other less and less. We rehearse road bumps so that when you get triggered you have already practiced reacting effectively.
Yes, you are a team, but you are also an individual who needs autonomy and independence. Many couples lose themselves in the relationship and doing individual therapy during the couples therapy process helps you find yourself again. We all need differentiation and some folks need a bit of help with that.
We need to get to know clients as individuals and this let’s us accomplish that task more quickly.
You need to feel seen and heard which is often the exact opposite of what you are feeling in your relationship.
When you feel seen and heard you don’t feel like we are going to just take your partner's side. You know we are very aware that there are 2 sides to all stories.
Sometimes there are difficult things we need to know in order to be effective. Maybe you don't feel safe or comfortable yet to address this with your partner. We help you find safety and the right words to express what is going on for you so that your partner can finally hear you.
Down the road, in addition to being effective in navigating the sticky points, individual check ins are helpful to make sure individual needs are getting met, to give individual strategies for coping skills, and to move toward individual growing edges.
Individual sessions allow for the client and therapist to build a stronger, safer relationship that deepens the assessment process and therapy overall.
We get to know your attachment style.
We need to know your ways of managing conflict because it is likely you are off base.
We look for how you are communicating emotions.
There are often cultural components that can really set people off. And truly, you grew up in one culture and your partner grew up in another, even if you grew up as neighbors. It’s often like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole, it won’t work.
So this is where we come in to help. We know the skills and tools you need. We are experts at helping you both manage your emotions and when you can’t, we help you repair the chasm.
These are just a handful of reasons, so please trust that meeting individually is paramount to the growth of your relationship. As couples therapists, we have the back of the relationship, not of one of you over the other. We must understand what it is like to be each of you within the context of the relationship, we can’t do that if we don’t see you separately.
Ready to start working on yourself and your relationship? Make an appointment or contact us today.