So you cheated/lied/were mean….
You messed up.
But what if you were still inherently “good”??
I’m not talking about toxic positivity. It’s not “all good and good vibes only”. Not all behaviors are good. Not all behaviors are excusable or should continue.
When I’m talking about the idea that you’re still a basically good human, I’m not saying you didn’t mess up and couldn’t/shouldn’t do better. You should still take accountability. You should still apologize. You should still repair.
Repairing a Relationship with “Goodness”
Repair is key. And repair is the place where we NEED you to still be “good”.
When you can hold onto your basic goodness, you’re not coming to the repair conversation steeped in shame. When you’re still good and not super shamey, you listen better, take accountability better, and can be more creative with solutions.
When you can hold onto your basic goodness, you can also hold your own feelings and needs better and advocate for them more effectively.
What Does the “Bad” Behavior Mean?
If you’re basically good, we can say that maybe the “bad” behavior was probably understandable (not that it’s ok but that it makes sense) and was probably rooted in some unmet need or fear. If we just say you’re bad and the behavior was bad, we might not explore why you did what you did in the first place. This leaves you returning to the same environment or relationship dynamic that led you to lie or cheat or say something mean or whatever in the first place. So then you either do it again or do some other unhealthy behavior or have to leave. None of which are great options.
If you’re good, you can say “hey, I’m sorry I did what I did and I will take accountability and consequences for that. ALSO, I can take accountability for not sharing my feelings or needs that I was trying to manage or avoid by doing what I did. My needs are valid, can we talk about those too so this feels better for me long term as well?” Sometimes it’s just as vulnerable to ask for needs as it is to apologize and secure relationships require both kinds of vulnerability to keep intimacy alive and growing.
If You Knew You Were “Good”
You don’t have to wait to fuck up to practice embodying and owning and acting from your own existing goodness. Even now, as soon as you’re reading this, ask yourself “if I knew I was good, what would I do?” Maybe you’d sit up straighter or look someone in the eye. Maybe you’d feed yourself well or go take a walk or take a nap. Maybe you’d get in touch with that friend or give your partner a random hug. Maybe you’d ask for help or maybe you’d offer help. Maybe you’d say sorry. Maybe you’d tell someone you’re hurt and give them the chance to apologize.
Or a million other things.
You’re already good, so get creative!
If you are still struggling and need someone to talk to, I am here to help. Book a session today.