Holiday Survival Tips: Building Your Emotional Resiliency

News flash: The holidays are stressful! Duh!

You're gonna need as long an emotional fuse as you can get to manage family, friends, work, shopping, and all the emotions that this time of year can dig up. Here's part one of two, on how to build your emotional resiliency. These suggestions are based on Marsha Linehan's DIalectical Behavior Therapy skills. This set addresses ways to keep your outer warrior (your body) strong so it can protect and serve your inner warrior (your heart and mind).

1. Treat physical illness. This is not a time to just suck it up, walk it off, and pretend you're superhuman. If you are physically run down, you are more susceptible to being emotionally run down. So take those vitamins, get lots of water and rest, see the doctor sooner than later.

2. Eat moderately and healthfully. If you're on a strict diet or if you're over-indulging on the regular, you will be more likely to have big, overwhelming emotions. No need to feel sluggish and bloated or deprived and hangry on top of other holiday stressors.

3. Avoid/limit mood altering substances. Unlike the air traffic controller in "Airplane", the holidays are the EXACT right time to quit sniffing glue! Haha. But seriously, while nicotine, caffeine, alcohol, marijuana may help in the moment, they can keep you from appropriately managing your emotions, give you a false sense of your energy, and leave you more frazzled and less grounded in the long run.

4. Get moving. Moderate physical exercise can be a way to distract, unwind, breathe deeply, and release stress. Bonus points if you move in nature, move mindfully, and practice gratitude for your body while you're getting a workout in.

5. Get enough sleep. There's a million things to do and not enough time to do it. Trust me, I get it. And, to be able to participate as fully and meaningfully in the activities and not burn out early, sleep is important. Try to get in a routine, focus on sleep hygiene, and prioritize sleep.

You won't/ can't be perfect at all this. That's not even the point. The point is: when possible, be as thoughtful as you can be about protecting (and lengthening, when possible) that emotional fuse.

We're here to help too. Don't put off getting more support. Call us to set up an appointment today!

Negative Sentiment Override - Understand It And Stop It

Dr. John Gottman coined the term negative sentiment override to explain when negative feelings about the relationship or our partner override any positive feelings, even when our partner is attempting to be generous or thoughtful.  Unfortunately, our hyper-vigilance for criticism forces us to ignore positive interactions or events.  Rather, we see them as neutral or even assign negative meanings.  Reality then is distorted because we minimize the positive while we maximize the negative in our relationship.  As a result, our partner cannot seem to do anything right, which intensifies feelings of loneliness and powerlessness and can even change the lens through which one remembers the past, making fond memories negative.

Unfortunately, you can’t just choose to switch out of negative sentiment override, as it cannot be worked on directly.  One or both partners being in this state is an indicator that aspects of the relationship have not been going well.  As a result, it will require time and patience to repair.  When it comes to negative sentiment override and making your relationship better for both of you, consider focusing your efforts on the following areas, which include the friendship principles of Dr. Gottman’s Sound Relationship House:

BUILD LOVE MAPS 

Dedicate time to building a road map in your mind of your partner’s inner world that includes thoughts, feelings, hopes, aspirations, dreams, values, and goals.  Love Maps are built by asking open-ended questions and, more importantly, remembering the answers. 

SHARE FONDNESS AND ADMIRATION

Dedicate time to building a culture of respect, which means partners catch one another doing something right and then convey appreciation, respect and affection verbally and nonverbally. Fondness and admiration are built with a positive habit of mind that encourages your ability to ignore your partner’s mistakes and instead notice your partner’s positive contributions to the relationship. Both partners need to actively express fondness, appreciation, affection, and respect.

TURN TOWARD BIDS

Dedicate time to making bids for connection, which are when partners verbally or non-verbally communicate their needs for attention or connection to one another. Once a bid for connection has been made, the other partner can either turn towards the bid by responding positively to it, turn away from the bid by ignoring their partner, or turn against the bid by verbally or nonverbally attacking their partner for making the bid. When partners turn towards each other’s bids for connection, it’s the equivalent of depositing money in an emotional bank account that gets built up over time. Further, be mindful that there is a hierarchy of bidding, from asking for and getting the partner’s attention to asking for and receiving the partner’s empathy and emotional support.

If you are struggling with Negative Sentiment Override, or other issues in your relationship, and are ready to get back on track, please reach out today or make an appointment so we can start rebuilding.

Gottman, J. M. & Silver, Nan (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Gottman, J. M (2011). The science of trust: Emotional attunement for couples.

Eating Disorders and Relationship Patterns

I've heard it said that "how you do one thing is how you do everything." Patterns we build permeate our lives. In my work with people with eating disorders, I have seen that people's relationships with food are often similar to their relationships with people. If "how you do one thing is how you do everything", then it follows that it would be helpful to notice relational patterns, put them in line with values, and capitalize on the potential for that change to influence other aspects in your life. Sometimes when you move social relationships towards values your relationship with food shifts as a byproduct.

Anorexia Nervosa

Relationship with food characterized as: avoidant, fearful, rigid, insufficient, shame around size and hunger.

How do those patterns show up in relationships? Maybe you isolate or avoid people or avoid situations (likely ones involving food, but probably others as well). Maybe you have social anxiety. Maybe you are rigid with socializing and keep a tight schedule or get nervous as plans change or interactions aren’t neat and tidy. Maybe your social interactions happen infrequently or are surface level and don’t sustain the human need for true connection. Maybe you are scared that being in relationships will feel suffocating or heavy or cause discomfort so you avoid them. Maybe you have a fear that you will be too much or need too much and end up people pleasing or keeping a distance in an attempt to stay small.

Bulimia Nervosa

Relationship with food characterized as: conflicted, chaotic, secretive, shame based.

How do those patterns show up in relationships? Maybe you seem to have a lot of conflict in relationships. Maybe you struggle with boundaries and when to say "yes" or "no" or "I've had enough". Maybe you experience extremes in relationships of being very close then very distant. Maybe you have guilt and shame over what you want or need or have done in relationships. Relationships may scare you and you struggle with keeping them in balance and tolerating the discomfort they can sometimes bring.

Binge Eating

Relationship with food characterized as: lacking boundaries, lacking sense of control, soothing or escapist.

How do those patterns show up in relationships? Maybe you struggle with knowing how much to give in relationships and end up people pleasing or going past your limits with relationships. Maybe in relationships you feel like you don’t have a voice or that voice isn’t respected when you set boundaries or express needs. Maybe you have a difficult time being alone and find people to fill your time, even when you know those people aren’t "good" for you. Maybe you have codependency traits and regulate your mood through focusing on others.

These lists aren’t exhaustive by any means and don’t account for individual differences. My intention is simply too spark curiosity. It’s not helpful to judge or justify patterns. Better to simply observe and then do what you can to align food and relationship patterns with long term goals and values.

If you notice that you resonate with any of these food or relational patterns, we are here to help. Please reach out by phone or online and we will be happy to talk with you.

Make Yourself THE Priority

This is going to be the year of putting myself first and I want all of you to do the same. I write a lot about couples, conflict, how to avoid it or recover from it, etc…  However, to be part of a healthy relationship you have to take care of yourself first. YES FIRST.  And don’t tell me you don’t have time, this is a question of priorities and you need to make yourself the top one.  Even just thinking about it gets me happy.  I am devoting this year to me and making it count - my posts will be a reflection of this.

I googled “put yourself first” to see what came up and the search results proved my point exactly.  It’s so important to be kind to yourself, to treat yourself as you treat all the important people in your life (of course I am assuming you are a nice person!).

You suffer when everything else or everyone else comes first.  If you are suffering, you can’t give in the way you intend to the people who matter most.  If you need permission to put the rest of the folks in your life in the back seat, then here is your permission slip... for the rest of your life and especially for 2017.  

Here are some tips to put yourself first or make yourself feel good.  For all of you who feel guilty about this, stop it right now.  If you are exhausted, overwhelmed and stressed out, then this post is for you.  Below are just a handful of ideas on how I like to accomplish this and some links to take you to my favorite resources.

1. Take at least 10 minutes a day to something new or creative - inspired by my fav photographer, Willy - Life Unstill Photography.

2. Say NO, no no no no no.  Being a YES person is exhausting.

3. Put daily rituals in place.  I LOVE this planner... 

4. Forgive yourself when you mess up.

5. Find one thing every day that will make you smile or feel fantastic and do it.  

6. Do something that scares you or makes you uneasy, your brain loves a challenge.  

7. Have time during the day where all electronics are turned off.

8. Find a great podcast that brings you joy and peace (Tara Brach is AMAZING). 

9. Savor your meals - I mean really savor them.  

10. Laugh out loud. This blog does it for me. 

11. Take things off your to-do list that really aren’t important and add in something that replenishes you. Lists will go on forever, so put your important stuff first.  

12. Be in the moment, not in the future.  (again, Tara Brach)

13. You always have choices, make the one that will benefit you most.

14. Get Physical - you all know why.  Find a great gym or find motivation at home.  I hate gyms so I am making plans for my home gym this year.

15. Make plans or let life make them for you.  

16. Lose the people in your life who are downers, nay-sayers, just a drag to be around and the ones who are critical and judgemental.  Those people suck, drop them.

17. Get a candle that smells incredible - get 10 - always have one on hand.  

18. Spend one meal a week with somebody who inspires you to be better, to be more, to live beyond.  If that’s hard, then chat on the phone, go on a walk or connect via text.  But connect.

19. Save all the wonderful emails, cards and messages people send to you and make a journal out of them.  Turn to it when you are feeling blue, you will remember how deeply amazing you are.

20. Pat yourself on the back - you know you deserve it.

21. Make lists of what makes you feel good and keep it handy.  

The message here is to pay attention to yourself, put yourself first and realize why it is so very important.  Make lists, update them, change them and look at them daily.  I like to make my lists in gorgeous journals of which I have far too many, but WTH, I love them and they make me feel great. Please tell me what inspires you and makes you feel great!

If you need help prioritizing you to make your relationship better and stronger, please reach out! I love to help people focus on themselves.

Carrie

Taxidermy Creatures as Service Animals

If you are my friend or my husband, you have heard my rant many times over about what happened to me a few weeks ago and how awful it was.  You don’t need to know who or what, but f&%k her and all the bullshit she spewed my way. What you do need to know is how to help yourself feel better because therapy alone ain't always enough.  (Keep reading 'til you get to the funny part below….)

I am listening to Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson, in which Jenny explores her lifelong battle with mental illness.

I have my own little list of what makes me feel better when I am feeling low or dealing with anxiety, but Jenny’s list is so much better, like off-the-charts better.

My nice and tidy list goes something like this….

• Family

• Friends

• Colleagues

• A tubby

• A shower

• Nature

• Podcasts

• Audio Books

• Cleaning

• Crying

• My dog

• Wine

• Whine

• Comfy clothes

• Yummy smelling lotions

• Therapy - yes therapists have therapists

• My Mom

That list isn’t very inspiring - it’s just comforting.  So I decided to buy a funny book to lift my spirits.  Comfort is good but sometimes you just need a damn good laugh.  I found this book that I thought would just be humorous, but as luck would have it, the book is about Jenny and her diagnoses of about 15 different disorders as determined by therapists and psychiatrists. For all the meds and behavior mods she tries, she has other, sometimes better ways of handling anxiety.  

Here are some of her super-way-better-awesomer-than-mine tactics...

• Carry around a taxidermy creature as a service animal

• Confessing you have some disorder that ends in mania because people automatically back off

• Embrace your crazy

• Get an eating disorder to compensate for the lack of control over your emotions

• Medication

• Shrink visits

• Behavioral Therapy

• Be painfully honest about how crazy you are

• Hide in bathrooms and under tables at important events

• Let it control you when you have no other choice

• Or try being furiously happy - it’s not a cure for mental illness but a weapon designed to counter it.

If you are having a moment, or a week, or a year, buy this book.  I had to turn it off on my way to a session today with a client because I was laughing to the point of hysteria.  I had so many tears running down my face it looked like I was hysterical in a scary I-am-falling-apart kind of way.  I think Jenny Lawson could replace meds for some people, she’s that funny.

Now that we have explored my list vs her list, what’s on your list?

Am I Messing Up My Kid?

Unless you are doing something blatantly awful like beating up your kids or leaving them home alone while you jet off to Vegas, you are probably doing a fine job of raising your kid/s. I only have one child so I have plenty of time to wonder how I am totally screwing this up.  I think if I had a bunch of kids I wouldn’t have time to worry about all this screwing up nonsense.  

I’m not sure if it’s just me, it might be, but I don’t want my kid scheduled into classes, clubs, activities every day of the week and on weekends where I am made to drive all over the state.  If you are a parent with a child and you both like that lifestyle, more power to you.  I happen to like the fact that my son isn’t scheduled out the wazoo.  He’s in school from 7:45 until 4 or 5 pm.  I think even that is a bit much but he loves his school so it’s all good.

I tend to feel guilty when he shuts himself in the game room playing his video games. He plays too many video games and I let him.  Horrible by today’s standards, right?  What would society (other parents) say?!?!  I don’t know, but I do know he is also having fun and I did the same thing when I was a kid.  He also gets almost straight A’s.  When I was a kid we entertained ourselves with videogames, MTV, movies, and TV dinners.  If we were bored we made up games to play, burnt bugs with a magnifying glass (sorry bugs), had mud pie wars and ran around the neighborhood.  

Things I have done to “mess up” my son:

• Allow him to play all day on the XBOX

• Shamed him (accidently but still…)

• For sure I taught him swear words (I can’t believe I fucking did that, but I did.)

• Not enough veggies and fruits and way too many chips and ice cream.  

• I didn’t believe him and then found out he told the truth.  Sigh….

• Had one too many cocktails in front of him

• Fought with my husband and for sure he heard

(side bar - my mom told me once that my dad came home after too much boozing and peed in the closet cuz he thought it was the bathroom, hahaa, I have NOT done that)

So if you are a parent who spends quality time with your kid/s, gives them lots of love and hugs and kisses, is there for them when they need you, well you are one awesome human being.  They don’t HAVE to have a phone.  If you are considering it, call me so I can get The Phone Contract out to you asap.  My son’s job is to try hard in school, be a good friend, have fun and be a nice human.  That’s it.  He doesn’t have to be numero uno at a team sport, he just has to play if he wants to and enjoy the game.

There are way too many kids ending up in hospitals and inpatient facilities because of the huge amounts of anxiety put on them in school, sports, social settings, you name it.  The super sad part is that often all the beds are taken.  Let’s just encourage our kids to be kids, to be who they are and we love them no matter what.  If they get an F, we love them.  If they strike out, we hug them for trying.  If they no longer want to play when the seasons over, they don’t have to sign up again.  

If you have a list like mine, congratulations, you are a real live person who makes mistakes.  Own your shit, apologize when you jack it up and move on.  It’s called being a good role model when you haven’t been a good role model, get it?  Let’s all stop pretending that certain parents have it all together cuz I’m here to tell you it’s total bullshit.

If you are brave enough (and you don’t have to be!), go ahead and put your list of jacking it all up in the comments section.  Let’s all bond over it.  Or, if you’d rather do it in private, call me and we can chat.  No more feeling like we are alone in this parenting business, the only one confused and sometimes freaked out.  Cuz I really think we are ALL a part of that group.  

Thoughts??

Have Better Sex Tonight with This Trick!

Now that I have your attention....

I want to talk about mindfulness. Not the sexy topic you may have expected, but bear with me, I promise I wasn’t just teasing you with some clickbait blog title.

Sex is pleasurable, fun, connecting, and even spiritual at times. F### what Cosmo or Maxim might say, the way great sex happens is not through circus act moves, fancy positions, or having the perfect body. It comes from being mindful.

Mindfulness is paying attention and choosing your focus and purpose. You can have the best techniques and all the right moves, but if you’re doing your taxes in your head or critiquing the size of your butt, you’re missing out. Being mindful will help you notice your own feelings and pleasure and give you the wherewithal to be able to communicate what you need to be fully present and connected with your partner.  

Now Cosmo and Maxim aren't totally wrong. New moves, exotic smells, and feeling sexy thanks to the latest health and fashion tips may help you to have great sex. But why do they help?? Because trying something new, using your senses, and feeling confident aid us in staying present and being focused on the moment.

But you can’t expect to go around being a mindless robot, thinking of the past, the future or not thinking at all, and then expect to suddenly be good at staying present for sex. That's crazy. We get good at what we practice.

So, since sex sells, here’s reason #592 for practicing mindfulness consistently: being more mindful will make you a better lover! See our quick mindfulness tips to jumpstart your practice. Do this as often as you like to use your five senses to be more aware of the present moment.

5 Tricks to Have Better Sex:

1. Notice 5 things you can see right now

2. Notice 4 things you can hear right now

3. Notice 3 things you can touch right now

4. Notice 2 things you can smell right now

5. Notice 1 thing you can taste right now.

Namaste. Happy practicing!