New Year, Meh You

Anyone else noticing a serious funk going around? Maybe you're in it too. Tired. Unmotivated. Fatigued. Bored. Maybe even downright depressed. The hope and expectations of a "new year, new year" vibe can add salt to the wound. But we're still in the trenches with COVID and political turmoil. And the holidays had an added tension with navigating a special time that’s usually spent with family but while under the restrictions of social distancing. Plus, whatever stuff is going on that’s specific to you. It makes sense that a lot of us have a big old case of "not feeling it"!

So, what to do?

Acknowledge Your Funk with as Little Judgement as Possible

Don't deny it or judge it. It's understandable. And it's not wholly unique to you. You're not alone.  Then, let's control what we can control. Let's start with your physical wellbeing. If your body feels like shit, how can you expect to be super stoked on life? So, I'm talking about managing food, water and exercise. Try limiting drugs and alcohol that may provide momentary relief but increase lethargy, anxiety, and depression (including caffeine, nicotine, and excessive sugar). Try to maintain a sleep routine. Get sunshine daily. Take a few moments each day to breathe deeply or meditate, even a little goes a long way. 

On a more social/emotional front, there's a lot we still can control at this point. It's important to maintain social interactions...even if it’s not what it was in "the before times", do what you can to connect in a safe/socially distanced way with zoom or phone or outdoor meetings.

Do Small Daily Things to Build Joy

This could look like hobbies, music, TV, being in nature, etc. Find your joy and chase it.

Infuse Some Novelty

Try a new takeout restaurant, go to a new location to take a walk, read a new book. Try something new and bring novelty and sponenaiety into your life. This might help combat the boredom you are feeling.

And, don't forget, it’s ok to not have it all together and to need help. We are here and would love to support you and give more tools for this tough time. We are offering virtual therapy sessions to accommodate everyone and every need.

How to Deal with New Year's Resolutions If You Have an Eating Disorder

In the beginning of every year there is a societal pressure to reinvent yourself in a new way. There is a surge of ads for weight loss programs and fitness apps that sends a message that you need to be a “new you.” In surveys about new year’s resolutions, about half of people stated that they wanted to lose weight. But these changes are easier said than done, and they can be triggering for those with eating disorders.

Disordered Eating and Resolutions

The difficulty of following through on new habits doesn’t disappear just because it is a new year, and what started as self-improvement becomes an exercise in self-punishment.  

Diet culture runs rampant in the beginning of every year, but creating “resolutions” that involve goal weights, restricted eating and fad diets, or obsessively working out can cause more stress and give people larger problems than they might think. Creating goals surrounding a number can make people obsess in an unhealthy way. It can start people down a path of disordered eating or disordered working out that can cause more stress and more anxiety than they are ready for.

How to Deal with Triggering Resolutions

Resolutions that involve weight loss can be extremely triggering to those who are in recovery. If you are someone who is in recovery, stand up for yourself and tell the people around you that you don’t want to hear about any resolutions that deal with weight loss or exercise. Stay off of social media if possible. Listen to anit-diet podcasts that help affirm your new ways of thinking about food and exercise. If you can’t avoid it and have found that you are triggered and thinking more about your own body in ways you are trying to get away from, reach out to your therapist for help.

New Year, Same You

Because the pandemic, politics, working from home, and other societal issues have caused more stress for most of us, this January is a perfect opportunity to forget the results-oriented resolutions or reinventing yourself and make a new kind of promise to yourself. Think about what is truly important in your life, what makes you happy, or what helps you thrive and make a commitment to prioritize this. 

If you work from home , now is a good time to reevaluate your boundaries around this activity. You may have lost touch with some family or friends during the stress of the last few years and you want to reprioritize these relationships. Maybe you’ve seen someone take up a new skill or hobby in the past few years that you think would be fun to try. 

2025 New Year Resolution Ideas: 

• Chase joy

• Keep a gratitude journal

• Do more of something you love 

• Commit to a better work-life balance

• Be more present 

• Focus on the positive

• Connect with family and friends more often

This year try something new. Instead of focusing on the things you don’t like, embrace what makes you happy, what you already like about yourself, or what you already have and resolve to foster more of it in your life. 

Inherent Goodness vs Bad Behavior

So you cheated/lied/were mean….

You messed up. 

But what if you were still inherently “good”?? 

I’m not talking about toxic positivity. It’s not “all good and good vibes only”. Not all behaviors are good. Not all behaviors are excusable or should continue. 

When I’m talking about the idea that you’re still a basically good human, I’m not saying you didn’t mess up and couldn’t/shouldn’t do better. You should still take accountability. You should still apologize. You should still repair. 

Repairing a Relationship with “Goodness”

Repair is key. And repair is the place where we NEED you to still be “good”. 

When you can hold onto your basic goodness, you’re not coming to the repair conversation steeped in shame. When you’re still good and not super shamey, you listen better, take accountability better, and can be more creative with solutions. 

When you can hold onto your basic goodness, you can also hold your own feelings and needs better and advocate for them more effectively.

What Does the “Bad” Behavior Mean?

If you’re basically good, we can say that maybe the “bad” behavior was probably understandable (not that it’s ok but that it makes sense) and was probably rooted in some unmet need or fear.  If we just say you’re bad and the behavior was bad, we might not explore why you did what you did in the first place. This leaves you returning to the same environment or relationship dynamic that led you to lie or cheat or say something mean or whatever in the first place. So then you either do it again or do some other unhealthy behavior or have to leave. None of which are great options. 

If you’re good, you can say “hey, I’m sorry I did what I did and I will take accountability and consequences for that. ALSO, I can take accountability for not sharing my feelings or needs that I was trying to manage or avoid by doing what I did.  My needs are valid, can we talk about those too so this feels better for me long term as well?” Sometimes it’s just as vulnerable to ask for needs as it is to apologize and secure relationships require both kinds of vulnerability to keep intimacy alive and growing.

If You Knew You Were “Good” 

You don’t have to wait to fuck up to practice embodying and owning and acting from your own existing goodness. Even now, as soon as you’re reading this, ask yourself “if I knew I was good, what would I do?”  Maybe you’d sit up straighter or look someone in the eye. Maybe you’d feed yourself well or go take a walk or take a nap. Maybe you’d get in touch with that friend or give your partner a random hug. Maybe you’d ask for help or maybe you’d offer help. Maybe you’d say sorry. Maybe you’d tell someone you’re hurt and give them the chance to apologize. 

Or a million other things. 

You’re already good, so get creative! 

If you are still struggling and need someone to talk to, I am here to help. Book a session today.

Therapy as a Part of the Heroines Journey

I had heard of the hero’s journey. It was made popular by Joseph Campbell and is an archetype for human struggle and growth and is the basis for most all stories.

But I hadn’t heard of the heroine’s journey. While the hero’s journey is the archetype of peoples interactions with their life and environment and society, the heroine’s journey is the archetype for peoples struggles with their emotions, needs, intuition, and sense of self. The hero deals with the exterior. The heroine deals with the interior.

I heard about this concept from a podcast (typical Erika). Here is an expert from an article that outlines the steps of the heroines journey.

Note: While this talks about the journey for a heroine with she/her pronouns, it’s not a gendered thing. Men and women and non binary folks in western society lose their feminine selves (connection to emotions and intuition) and over emphasize masculine energy (productivity, busyness, conquering). I bet if you ditch the gendered wording you’ll relate.

”1. ILLUSION OF THE PERFECT WORLD. The heroine has an idea of the world she is living in that is not entirely accurate. She uses coping strategies that she believes will work in the world as they believe it to be. Such coping strategies can include: naivete (nothing will happen to me); men/dominant group will take care of me; I am exceptional and will be “one of the guys” or just simply fit in seamlessly; everything will work out if I can please my mother/father/husband/boss/etc. This is us living as our false self.

2. BETRAYAL/DISILLUSIONMENT. The heroine’s coping strategies fall apart either because she is betrayed by someone, because they realize their coping strategy is toxic/ineffective, or because they realize their assumed world is not what they thought. This may be a loss of some kind, a breakup, divorce or a perceived failure that breaks the heroine down emotionally.

3.THE AWAKENING & PREPARING FOR THE JOURNEY. The heroine may initially become hopeless but eventually she decides to do something about her situation. Others may try to discourage the heroine, but the force of the betrayal or failure pushes her on. The whole direction of her life begins to change. The heroine searches for the tools she needs, but is still looking outside of herself.

4. THE DESCENT—PASSING THE GATES OF JUDGMENT. The heroine experiences fear, abandonment, guilt, and/or shame associated with giving up her old way of being. She may be challenged by the outside world with judgments against her new identity. She may feel guilty or ashamed about sexual desires/expression. Or she may have fears/shame associated with expressing herself honestly and freely, honoring her intuition, setting boundaries, and/or letting go of relationships that aren’t in alignment anymore. Out of fear, she is trying desperately to control life and every aspect of it. As a result, nothing can flow smoothly. The heroine must give up control and all of her strategies/tools/defenses/“weapons” to move forward.

5. THE EYE OF THE STORM. In this stage (which corresponds with Murdock’s Boon of Success) the heroine experiences a small taste of success which brings about a false sense of security. The heroine may experience momentary—but not sustained—success because she is not a vibrational match for this success quite yet. She is still clenching, closing and trying to control. She has more to learn before she finds peace and wholeness.

6.DEATH/ALL IS LOST. In this stage the heroine realizes that her original coping strategies are no longer effective and that her new-found skills/tools/coping strategies are not sustainable. To continue on this way is depleting her energy, and as things get worse, the heroine feels there is no hope. Despite her best efforts, she fails to move forward and is forced to accept defeat. She is finally ready to surrender.

7. SUPPORT. The heroine meets someone (who may be a spirit/goddess/muse within, a friend, family member, love interest, spiritual teacher, coach, or specific resource) who offers support. The heroine embraces the “feminine” aspect of receiving support and accepts that she is not completely self-sufficient. The heroine surrenders as opens herself to receive. She embraces her need for support as a positive thing knowing that she needs to do things differently than she has in the past in order to successfully move forward.

8. REBIRTH/MOMENT OF TRUTH. The heroine finds her strength and resolve with the help of this support. She “awakens” and sees the world and her role within it differently. The heroine understands that brains, heart, and courage will be required, and she begins to face her own fear with compassion.

9. RETURN TO A WORLD SEEN THROUGH NEW EYES. The heroine sees the world for what it is (not better than it is and not worse). Her experience will change others—but receiving recognition for being a change-maker is not the heroine’s priority. The consequences of her experience and awakening may extend beyond her lifetime and into future generations through her children, younger siblings, friendships, etc. The heroine’s reward is spiritual and internal. She now knows herself on a deeper level and is committed to showing up as this centered, compassionate being in the world. This new outlook brings new, more effective strategies for living. I see this play out with myself and clients. People come in to therapy separated from their self. They thought the relationship, or job, or perfect body, or approval of family, or an impressive circle of friends, etc was supposed to be the thing. But in pursuit of that thing, they lose themselves. Some are addicted to substances or food or porn, or maybe numbed out, or just stuck. All are unhappy. Therapy can be a process by which we continue on the journey to ourselves. Spoiler alert: it sucks sometimes. If you’re lucky you reconnect to all your disowned rage and grief which ultimately carves out space for true connection and joy but first feels like a deep dark cave of pain. As someone’s who’s spent much more than one dark night of the soul in a dark cave, and will undoubtably go back another time or twenty, my favorite job is to be a tour guide and companion to the cave, and in the cave, and finally, at your pace, out of the cave. Basically, I’m loving the framework of the heroines journey as a blueprint. It feels more predictable and hopeful. I hope it resonates with someone else out there as well!”

We are all people on a journey, and whether you believe it or not, we all have both a hero’s and heroine’s journey to walk. If you need help figuring out the details of yours, I am here for you. Individual therapy can help you come to terms with your journey. Reach out to me today.

Making the Best Out of Life's Transitions

Life transitions can throw us off our game at times and we can start to feel unsettled and experience a spike in stress levels.

For instance, you just graduated, started a new job, moved to a new place and feel like finding a new grocery store will be the end of the world. Everything feels so different. Maybe you’re feeling disconnected or missing your old routines, even the ones you didn’t enjoy so much at the time. At least you could rely on some familiarity, right? What now?

Here are a few small but meaningful ways you can shift your mindset to ease into a life transition, make the best out of it, and take care of yourself while you do it.

Make Meaning

Transitions can be difficult, and they can also be wonderful if you look around. Moving in with your partner can offer new opportunities for connection. Starting a new job can lead you to connect with people you never would have met or learn a cool new skill. Kiddos transitioning to all-day Kindergarten can give you the opportunity to discover a hobby you love.

Create New

At times, we can get stuck doing the same things day by day, week by week. Life transitions can provide great opportunities to shake up your routine. Try to open yourself up to at least one new experience or exciting addition to your week, such as exploring a new park each weekend or tackling a project around the fixer-upper you just bought.

Increase Your Compassion

It can feel frustrating trying to get used to a new routine or life situation, and that frustration can lead us to put ourselves down or begin to mistreat those around us. Next time you experience this, try reminding yourself that you are in an overwhelming transition and engage in self-compassion. Take time to breathe, put the situation into perspective, and remember that you are capable of coping. 

If you feel like you are struggling with a life transition, we are here for you. Reach out with any questions you might have about what a session would look like for you, or book a session today.