A client was struggling with following through on doing self-care.
"So wait a sec, why exactly are you taking up art?" I asked.
"Well, my wife wants me to. She says I need more hobbies and reminded me that I painted before, so... I don’t know. I want her to be happy."
So, this guy's not wrong. Doing things to make your partner happy is great. But if the ONLY thing motivating and reinforcing a behavior is another person's happiness, you may find yourself in a similar spot as this person...you start then give up and build resentment at your partner and start to doubt yourself.
Trouble is that having your behavior based on others people’s interactions leads to a bunch of things over time. Either we are resentful because were doing something we don’t want to do, we are resentful when the other person doesn’t recognize the efforts, we are frustrated when it doesn’t work and the other person is still unhappy for one reason or another, we lie to keep up the front and keep the other person happy, we give up because the cost is more than the reward.
Now don’t throw the baby out with the proverbial bath water. It's very kind and important to try to please your partner. But you should have more than one "why", more than one reason to do something. That way, if your partner’s not happy, you're not emotionally hangry from lack of emotional nourishment and reinforcement after your effort.
I suggest adding process goals to the mix. Maybe this guy does art because he’s practicing modeling doing a hobby to his kids or maybe to practice patience or to practice creativity or because it gets to be his alone time to listen to music and think while he paints...list can be endless. But it needs to be something he can control, something he can focus on, and something that resonates deeply and feels compelling enough to push through some discomfort or frustration or boredom or whatever.
So, what are you doing that needs a stronger "why"? What is a "why" that gets you excited??