Yep, another in the 5 posts about your nervous system and how you likely differ from your partner - your CORE differences. Both of you need to understand the other person and yourself better. If you are the same, this will still explain more than you likely know about yourself. I love helping people figure out more about who they are and who their partners are so we can have more tranquility and peace instead of standoffs and yes, tantrums. Borrowing from Brent Atkinson, PhD., let’s go over this next core difference.
People tend to fall into one of two categories here, either they take their time getting upset or it’s almost instantaneous. So, wherever you fall on the scale of 0-100, take the time to read this short post to learn a bit more about yourself and your partner. I do also want to remind you that not only is this a nervous system thing, you also have the ability to change the way you respond and how quickly you are to respond. Thank you, neuroplasticity!
Slow to upset people realize that getting upset quickly without consideration doesn’t help anybody.
They don’t like to make a big deal of things and realize it’s not the end of the world if things get off track once in a while. If things don’t go their way, they can regroup and move on to greener pastures.
The dream for these mellow folks is to find a person who won’t totally lose it if they fail to meet their partner’s expectations of them. For example, Joe would like Betsie to not lose her sh*t when something doesn’t go quite right or when something goes way off the rails. He knows that these things happen all the time and that they can figure out how to cope.
People like Joe tend to worry about accepting influence from their partner because they fear that life will become a constant series of things to worry about, it’s not worth it! It’s much easier to take a step back and see how to move forward productively. Freaking out just makes everything worse.
When they take a critical stance it’s because they fear their partner will never be satisfied and the negativity is too much to deal with. Joe would take a “logical” approach and act like an “adult”. But if Joe uses these words, Betsie will certainly get even more heated. To all the Joe’s out there, choose your words wisely here!
On the other side of the spectrum are the people who get upset easily (raising my hand here).
While it is entirely normal to feel frustrated when things don’t go your way, sometimes people on this side of the spectrum overreact. These people also feel that anger is justified and serves a purpose, this is true. However, if you are going to have a little tantrum, you better have an end goal in mind and you better know how to fight fair, that is another blog post though. (YES, we have a total system of how to fight fair.)
The dream here is to have a partner who understands that getting upset is OK when something is bothersome. Why would Bestie ignore her true feelings?
The fear of accepting influence from others is that they could go through life hiding their real feelings, pushing them down and then exploding one day. We don’t want people to bottle things up inside because eventually it all comes spewing out all over the other person. And the person on the receiving end typically feels overwhelmed and doesn’t know how to respond which makes the Betsie’s of the world even more angry. It’s a vicious cycle.
The critical stance they take sounds something like “You are a fake! You know you get just as upset and I do! You’re a coward and afraid of conflict! WHIMP!”
In these instances, we all need to become a little bit more flexible and make room for the other person’s nervous system. This is no easy task. You would be wise to remember that in order to rewire your brain to respond effectively, you must practice, practice, practice. Otherwise you won’t build the new neural pathways you need to succeed.
If you are struggling with whichever way you or your partner gets upset, I am here to help! I work with individuals and couples to help build communication skills, work through past issues holding you back, and rebuild relationships. Please reach out to see if we would be a good fit, or go ahead and book an appointment here.