Everyone comes to couples therapy talking about poor communication. And yeah, by the time you get to my office, the way you and your partner communicate is probably pretty shit.
I could give you all the tools but most of the time lack of tools isn’t the issue. Think about it, you were able to talk to your partner at the beginning of the relationship most likely. You’re probably able to talk to friends and coworkers pretty effectively. It’s not that you can’t talk or can’t listen. It’s that you don’t.
Before we get too shamey and judgey about why you can communicate but don’t, let’s clarify WHY maybe you don’t. Often it’s not willfulness or malice or being a bad person or bad partner. Usually we don’t communicate well even in spite of our desire to communicate well and ability to communicate well. More often than not it comes down to our capacity to communicate at the moment.
Why Couples Communication Fails
I’m a runner and I can technically run a marathon. But even if I wanted to run a marathon today, I might not have the capacity to do it today. That’s normal. What I can do under perfect conditions and what I can do today are often very different things. My physical and emotional stress is a prime limiting factor and that shifts day to day and affects my capacity to perform. What I can do with 10 hours of sleep is very different than what I can do with 4 hours of sleep, for example. The more I am aware of and attending to my physical and emotional stressors, the higher my capacity. When I deny my stress or ignore it, I’m likely to get injured or burnt out.
The same concept applies to couples communication.. The more we know and actively manage our stress and emotions, the better we show up for relationship communication. Ignoring these stressors can lead to injury, burnout, and, in relationships, poor communication.
Tips for Healthy Couples Communication
Improving couples communication requires effort. Here are a few of my favorite tips for people to pay attention to and increase their capacity for healthy communication:
Journaling. Write whatever you want. If you get stuck, start with what’s happened today or what’s on your mind today. Write what you would like to share about yourself with a friend or partner or your therapist. I find that, when starting, having a dedicated time to journal is helpful. I’m a morning journaler but have plenty of clients who do it before bed or at lunch or sitting in their car after work before they transition into being home. Whatever works!
Physical activity. This is a good opportunity to be in your body. How is it feeling? Is it tight or run down or clenched or in pain or feeling energetic or ???? The more you’re taking care of your body by moving it and the sooner you check in and notice something’s a little “off”, the more resilient you are in all areas of life.
Regular check-ins with yourself. Just be curious throughout the day. I like to do it when I’m transitioning from one location or one task to another. I’ve also put reminders in my phone to do it. Basically you just want to be curious about what you’re feeling and what you need. This can help catch something before it’s a crisis and also is just good for being in relationship with yourself…you wouldn’t like being friends with someone who never paid attention to you so don’t be a bad friend to yourself! Pay attention.
Gratitude practice. Gratitude has been shown to help your mood and outlook on life and ability to manage stress. Having gratitude doesn’t mean everything’s fine. It means that even though there is stress and conflict, those things aren’t the whole story. Gratitude is best when you don’t just think about it and list it quickly, but when you actually feel it and notice what it feels like to remember something good in your life.
Time with other co-regulators besides your partner. We can’t use our partner for everything. It helps to be able to connect with friends and relatives and pets and nature and art too. That way we don’t come to our partners empty and depleted.
Actively pursuing joy and rest. When life gets stressful it’s easy to get focused on that stress. We need to deal with life as it comes up but if we aren’t intentional about cultivating joy and taking time to rest, we can get stuck in fight or flight which drains our energy. Joy and rest are refueling and an important antidotes to stress. They remind us that we aren’t stuck and that there’s a reason to keep going. When we have joy and rest, our nervous system calms down and connection to others becomes significantly easier.
Try to implement one of more of those intentionally each week and see how it impacts your ability to share and listen in your relationships!
If you need help with this concept or with communication in your relationship, please reach out or book an appointment.