During particularly heated arguments, it can be a great idea for couples to take a “time-out” to calm down, self-soothe, and refocus. Time-outs can be taken when you find that you are getting off topic, bringing up past arguments and losing focus, or becoming increasingly more disrespectful and emotionally reactive. However, it is important to know and agree on some rules before implementing time-outs.
Below are some helpful rules for taking effective time-outs:
1. Agree on a signal or phrase for calling a time-out. This is an important first step in taking effective time-outs. When you or your partner say the phrase or do the signal, you should agree to stop the conversation where it is.
2. Set a time to come back together. Time-outs should not be shorter than 20 minutes or longer than 24 hours. You and your partner will need enough time to self-soothe, calm down, and refocus on implementing respect. Additionally, the partner who called the time-out should be the one to call time-in.
3. Partners must use the time-out to self-soothe. This can look like engaging in deep breathing, listening to music, taking a walk, or any other activity you engage in to calm down. It is important that you avoid using substances during the break so that you can ensure a productive conversation when the time-out is over.
4. Partners should not ruminate. Do not plan your next point or topic to bring up in the argument. This will only serve to keep you riled up, you will not self-soothe effectively, and your conversation will likely end up the same as when you took the time-out.
5. Engage in positive connection once the time-out is over. After returning back to one another and the conversation, try to engage in a positive connection point. This could include apologizing for disrespectful behavior, reminding your partner that you love them, or giving a compliment.
If you would like more help implementing effective time-outs and learning to fight fair, please feel free to reach out. If you know you and your partner need more than this exercise, book an appointment with me and get started today.