Why I Ask My Husband If I May Spend Money

What was the very first thing that popped into your mind after reading this title?

Was it…

  • He’s a super controlling husband!
  • Wow, she has no backbone.
  • Are we living in the 1950’s?
  • Gag!  Typical gender roles!

Did you feel…

  • Like puking?
  • Anger?
  • Confusion?
  • Connection?

Just to be clear, I DO NOT ask for permission.  Chad and I have a few assigned roles in our relationship and one of them is that he handles most of the money and paying the bills.  I don’t want to handle it.  I am informed and we speak at least once a week about the money, but he is the one who is intimately involved with it. Therefore, I am inquiring about the state of affairs in our bank account.  We have a set amount of money that we can each spend without speaking to the other first.  In other situations, we agree to have a conversation about any amount above and beyond that.  If he wants to spend, he checks in with me and if I want to spend, I check in with him.  However, for years and years, I saw this as my husband trying to CONTROL me - and oh the fights we would have.  Now I know that control was never the case but I made it the issue.

When I finally realized it had nothing to do with control but all about having security for the family, I let go of that control thing.  I do have to say it took considerable effort to let go of that feeling. Couples get all wrapped up in situations where one person simply has more information but it comes across as controlling.  This is a mindset that needs shifting.  Look at the facts.  One of the major facts I overlooked was that I didn’t want to take care of the money and he did.  I opted out and then didn’t want to play along.  So I opted out and then got pissy when it didn’t suit me.

If that sounds at all familiar, ask yourself if YOU are being fair or if you are opting out and then not wanting to play by the rules you helped to create.  What rules have you broken that you co-created??   If you need help untying some of these twisted scenarios, we are experts at helping to heal relationships, call us!