Couples Counseling

Negative Sentiment Override - Understand It And Stop It

Dr. John Gottman coined the term negative sentiment override to explain when negative feelings about the relationship or our partner override any positive feelings, even when our partner is attempting to be generous or thoughtful.  Unfortunately, our hyper-vigilance for criticism forces us to ignore positive interactions or events.  Rather, we see them as neutral or even assign negative meanings.  Reality then is distorted because we minimize the positive while we maximize the negative in our relationship.  As a result, our partner cannot seem to do anything right, which intensifies feelings of loneliness and powerlessness and can even change the lens through which one remembers the past, making fond memories negative.

Unfortunately, you can’t just choose to switch out of negative sentiment override, as it cannot be worked on directly.  One or both partners being in this state is an indicator that aspects of the relationship have not been going well.  As a result, it will require time and patience to repair.  When it comes to negative sentiment override and making your relationship better for both of you, consider focusing your efforts on the following areas, which include the friendship principles of Dr. Gottman’s Sound Relationship House:

BUILD LOVE MAPS 

Dedicate time to building a road map in your mind of your partner’s inner world that includes thoughts, feelings, hopes, aspirations, dreams, values, and goals.  Love Maps are built by asking open-ended questions and, more importantly, remembering the answers. 

SHARE FONDNESS AND ADMIRATION

Dedicate time to building a culture of respect, which means partners catch one another doing something right and then convey appreciation, respect and affection verbally and nonverbally. Fondness and admiration are built with a positive habit of mind that encourages your ability to ignore your partner’s mistakes and instead notice your partner’s positive contributions to the relationship. Both partners need to actively express fondness, appreciation, affection, and respect.

TURN TOWARD BIDS

Dedicate time to making bids for connection, which are when partners verbally or non-verbally communicate their needs for attention or connection to one another. Once a bid for connection has been made, the other partner can either turn towards the bid by responding positively to it, turn away from the bid by ignoring their partner, or turn against the bid by verbally or nonverbally attacking their partner for making the bid. When partners turn towards each other’s bids for connection, it’s the equivalent of depositing money in an emotional bank account that gets built up over time. Further, be mindful that there is a hierarchy of bidding, from asking for and getting the partner’s attention to asking for and receiving the partner’s empathy and emotional support.

If you are struggling with Negative Sentiment Override, or other issues in your relationship, and are ready to get back on track, please reach out today or make an appointment so we can start rebuilding.

 

Gottman, J. M. & Silver, Nan (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Gottman, J. M (2011). The science of trust: Emotional attunement for couples.

Why Individual Sessions in my Couples Counseling Program?

Why Individual Sessions in my Couples Counseling Program?

You may be in couples therapy, but we want to see you for an individual therapy session for many reasons. I have heard objections to this, so hear is a list of reasons behind this crucial part of our therapy program.

Make Yourself THE Priority

This is going to be the year of putting myself first and I want all of you to do the same. I write a lot about couples, conflict, how to avoid it or recover from it, etc…  However, to be part of a healthy relationship you have to take care of yourself first. YES FIRST.  And don’t tell me you don’t have time, this is a question of priorities and you need to make yourself the top one.  Even just thinking about it gets me happy.  I am devoting this year to me and making it count - my posts will be a reflection of this.

I googled “put yourself first” to see what came up and the search results proved my point exactly.  It’s so important to be kind to yourself, to treat yourself as you treat all the important people in your life (of course I am assuming you are a nice person!).

You suffer when everything else or everyone else comes first.  If you are suffering, you can’t give in the way you intend to the people who matter most.  If you need permission to put the rest of the folks in your life in the back seat, then here is your permission slip... for the rest of your life and especially for 2017.  

Here are some tips to put yourself first or make yourself feel good.  For all of you who feel guilty about this, stop it right now.  If you are exhausted, overwhelmed and stressed out, then this post is for you.  Below are just a handful of ideas on how I like to accomplish this and some links to take you to my favorite resources.

  1. Take at least 10 minutes a day to something new or creative - inspired by my fav photographer, Willy - Life Unstill Photography.

  2. Say NO, no no no no no.  Being a YES person is exhausting.

  3. Put daily rituals in place.  I LOVE this planner... 

  4. Forgive yourself when you mess up.

  5. Find one thing every day that will make you smile or feel fantastic and do it.  

  6. Do something that scares you or makes you uneasy, your brain loves a challenge.  

  7. Have time during the day where all electronics are turned off.

  8. Find a great podcast that brings you joy and peace (Tara Brach is AMAZING). 

  9. Savor your meals - I mean really savor them.  

  10. Laugh out loud. This blog does it for me. 

  11. Take things off your to-do list that really aren’t important and add in something that replenishes you. Lists will go on forever, so put your important stuff first.  

  12. Be in the moment, not in the future.  (again, Tara Brach)

  13. You always have choices, make the one that will benefit you most.

  14. Get Physical - you all know why.  Find a great gym or find motivation at home.  I hate gyms so I am making plans for my home gym this year.

  15. Make plans or let life make them for you.  

  16. Lose the people in your life who are downers, nay-sayers, just a drag to be around and the ones who are critical and judgemental.  Those people suck, drop them.

  17. Get a candle that smells incredible - get 10 - always have one on hand.  

  18. Spend one meal a week with somebody who inspires you to be better, to be more, to live beyond.  If that’s hard, then chat on the phone, go on a walk or connect via text.  But connect.

  19. Save all the wonderful emails, cards and messages people send to you and make a journal out of them.  Turn to it when you are feeling blue, you will remember how deeply amazing you are.

  20. Pat yourself on the back - you know you deserve it.

  21. Make lists of what makes you feel good and keep it handy.  

The message here is to pay attention to yourself, put yourself first and realize why it is so very important.  Make lists, update them, change them and look at them daily.  I like to make my lists in gorgeous journals of which I have far too many, but WTH, I love them and they make me feel great. Please tell me what inspires you and makes you feel great!

If you need help prioritizing you to make your relationship better and stronger, please reach out! I love to help people focus on themselves.

Carrie

Have Better Sex Tonight with This Trick!

Now that I have your attention....

I want to talk about mindfulness. Not the sexy topic you may have expected, but bear with me, I promise I wasn’t just teasing you with some clickbait blog title.

Sex is pleasurable, fun, connecting, and even spiritual at times. F### what Cosmo or Maxim might say, the way great sex happens is not through circus act moves, fancy positions, or having the perfect body. It comes from being mindful.

Mindfulness is paying attention and choosing your focus and purpose. You can have the best techniques and all the right moves, but if you’re doing your taxes in your head or critiquing the size of your butt, you’re missing out. Being mindful will help you notice your own feelings and pleasure and give you the wherewithal to be able to communicate what you need to be fully present and connected with your partner.  

Now Cosmo and Maxim aren't totally wrong. New moves, exotic smells, and feeling sexy thanks to the latest health and fashion tips may help you to have great sex. But why do they help?? Because trying something new, using your senses, and feeling confident aid us in staying present and being focused on the moment.

But you can’t expect to go around being a mindless robot, thinking of the past, the future or not thinking at all, and then expect to suddenly be good at staying present for sex. That's crazy. We get good at what we practice.

So, since sex sells, here’s reason #592 for practicing mindfulness consistently: being more mindful will make you a better lover! See our quick mindfulness tips to jumpstart your practice. Do this as often as you like to use your five senses to be more aware of the present moment.

5 Tricks to Have Better Sex:

  1. Notice 5 things you can see right now

  2. Notice 4 things you can hear right now

  3. Notice 3 things you can touch right now

  4. Notice 2 things you can smell right now

  5. Notice 1 thing you can taste right now.

Namaste. Happy practicing!

Gaslighting in Adult Relationships

Gaslighting is basically crazy making. It typically happens in abusive relationships, relationships where one (or both) partner has an addiction, or if one partner has narcissistic tendencies. It can be a defense strategy (he says "I wasn’t drunk", when he obviously was), a form of manipulation ("I'm worried about you. I hope you haven't told anyone, they'll think you're crazy"), or a result of limited attunement or empathy ("you're just being sensitive"). Sometimes it's blatant. Sometimes it's more tricky to spot. Either way, it has an impact on your health and vitality and is a pattern that needs attention and effort to change.

Because one effect is lack of trust in your perceptions, if you’re being gaslighted, you may be second guess if you’re actually being gaslighted. Here’s a list by Robin Stern, PhD to help.

Signs you may be being gaslighted:                        

  • You are constantly second-guessing yourself.

  • You start to question if you are too sensitive.

  • You often feel confused and have a hard time making simple decisions.

  • You find yourself constantly apologizing.

  • You can’t understand why you’re so unhappy.

  • You often make excuses for your partner’s behavior.

  • You feel like you can’t do anything right.

  • You often feel like you aren’t good enough for others.

  • You have the sense that you used to be a more confident, relaxed and happy person. You withhold information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain things                               

We are here to help. Get in touch and start getting help today. 

How to Tell Your Partner You Want Couples Counseling

Telling your spouse or partner you want to go to couples counseling can be really tricky for some people. In fact, I often get calls from people asking this very question. They know they need help but aren’t sure how to approach their partner and they aren’t sure what to say.  

Tell Your Partner You Want Couples Counseling

First, make it about you. Do not make it about them. Try something like this: “I am having trouble communicating with you and think I need some help in figuring this out. I think it would be great if we both went together. We could get a few tips and some new skills. What do you think?” Or:  “I would love to learn how to approach you in a new way so that maybe you can hear me better. And sometimes I don’t do a good job of hearing or listening to you either.  Would you be willing to go to couples counseling with me?” Or: “Honey, we know we are both really struggling right now, we have the same fights over and over. I think this is at least a 50 / 50 thing between us and I think we could use a little help here. I don’t think either one of us is to blame. How would you feel about some couples therapy to get us both back on track?”

If you make it about the other person, you are assigning blame. Nobody wants to be the bad guy. Plus, the research shows that when couples are in conflict, it is almost always a 50 / 50 deal where no one person is more at fault.  

What’s best is if you can pinpoint the things you want to work on personally and name them.  Perhaps you want to figure out how to be more flexible, a bit more forgiving, not running away when things get tough, learning how to control your temper, not lashing out when the dish is left in the sink (it’s never about the dish anyway).

Another option is letting your partner know that you sense this pattern that gets played out over and over again and you want to figure out how to jump out of it before it takes over again.  Think of the pattern as a weapon that is wounding each of you.  We can lay the weapon on the table and disarm both of you.  When we know what we are dealing with (the weapon, the pattern), we can then tease it apart and put you both back on the path to success so that you can thrive in your relationship.  

Ready to start working on your relationship? Call us today so we can help you and your partner get back to where you want to be.

 

How to Let Someone Love You

We all know that relationships are hard. People can be mean or cold or violent or inconsistent. They can abandon you or invalidate you or scare you or hurt you. (Am I selling relationships or what!?!). As a therapist specializing in couples counseling, I help people who need to talk through those risks.

What I hadn’t heard being talked about much, but what I’m talking about a lot with clients now,  is how hard it is to let people actually love you and treat you well.

It’s so hard that instead we accept less than we deserve. Or we push away people who are present and attentive. Or we start to give away parts of our selves or our boundaries because it’s hard to trust that love can be ours if we remain our true self.  Despite wanting love, allowing ourselves to be loved can be so so hard. 

If what you are reading sounds like what you are going through, that’s OK! Becasue:

1. You’re not alone

2. There’s probably some important and valid and painful reasons why being loved feels so hard

3. Change is possible.

Start to watch for places you block love. Start to watch for places you don’t have love or show love for yourself. Start to take baby steps towards being loving to yourself and letting other’s love in. 

If you are struggling with this in your life, please reach out or book an appointment. We are here and ready to help.

-Erika