“A hallmark of people who are good at getting their partners to treat them well is that they know that when they get upset with their partners, it doesn’t necessarily mean that their partners have done something wrong. They realize that there are many different ways of prioritizing things that can work in relationships. People who are less effective in their relationships don’t realize this. When their priorities or preferences are different than their partners, they often believe that theirs are right and their partners are wrong. This is especially true when partners’ nervous systems are wired so that the very same conditions that make one partner feel calm and stable make the other partner feel anxious and unstable. It’s one thing for your partner’s behavior to be annoying. It’s another thing for your partner to behave in a way that threatens your sense of stability. This is inevitable if you and your partner have nervous systems that are calmed by radically different conditions. If Alexandra’s way of maintaining emotional stability threatens your sense of stability, it’s almost natural to think that she’s doing something wrong. But studies suggest that most of the time when partners get upset with each other, neither partners’ priorities or expectations are out of line. Each partner tends to prioritize things in ways that are calming to his or her nervous system. In our investigations in the past two decades, we’ve found five specific differences in nervous system wiring that most often result in partners becoming critical of each other.”
-Dr. Brent Atkinson, PhD., author of Developing Habits for Relationship Success Books
People tend to fall into 5 categories of core differences which can get them into a lot of trouble when views and preferences collide. But the thing is - these are JUST views and preferences! In this blog post we will look at the first one.
Independence vs Togetherness.
Independence-First
They often prefer to engage in activities and tasks alone.
They assume responsibility for their own needs and completing their own tasks, they expect their partner will do the same.
They expect their partner to speak up when they need something and know that they will do the same.
DREAM: These folks dream of not having to worry about hurting their partner inadvertently by being inattentive. They do not want to be responsible for their partner’s happiness.
FEAR OF ACCEPTING INFLUENCE: If I spend my whole life meeting your needs, I will be neglecting myself and my needs.
CRITICAL STANCE: You think I am a mind reader! You expect way too much. You want me to do things for you that you are perfectly capable of doing for yourself. You are so needy.
VS.
Togetherness-First
These folks love to engage in activities and tasks together.
Each partner counts on help from the other in completing tasks or shouldering burdens.
Each partner anticipates the needs of the other and attempts to meet them without having to be asked.
DREAM: My partner will take my feelings into consideration without demanding it. A feeling of companionship is always present and I never have to feel alone.
FEAR OF ACCEPTING INFLUENCE: I feel like I am in this world and relationship on my own. There will be nobody looking out for me but myself. I’ve got no backup. I am on my own.
CRITICAL STANCE: You live in your own little world! You are self-centered and selfish! Anybody in their right mind would have realized I needed help! I shouldn’t have had to ask!
Clearly these differences get us into a world of drama. One person feels that they are not a priority and the other thinks that the task can be handled alone. The thing with all the differences we are going to talk about is that neither person is wrong and neither is right. These are simply a matter how you soothe your nervous system. One person's nervous system is soothed by working together and that goes against the other person who knows things can be done alone without potential conflict. The best thing to do in these situations is to keep perspective and check in with yourself. Are you being fair to your partner? Are they actually wrong or do you just not like their way? Typically we simply prefer our own way. It’s just a difference of opinion. Both expectations are important and legitimate. Don’t forget this! This requires each person to expand their ability to tolerate stress and not be overtaken by it. Both partners need to become more flexible and balanced in their reactions and coping styles.
I will be doing 4 more of these posts, but to get the full story, get Brent’s Book!