Negative Sentiment Override - Understand It And Stop It

Dr. John Gottman coined the term negative sentiment override to explain when negative feelings about the relationship or our partner override any positive feelings, even when our partner is attempting to be generous or thoughtful.  Unfortunately, our hyper-vigilance for criticism forces us to ignore positive interactions or events.  Rather, we see them as neutral or even assign negative meanings.  Reality then is distorted because we minimize the positive while we maximize the negative in our relationship.  As a result, our partner cannot seem to do anything right, which intensifies feelings of loneliness and powerlessness and can even change the lens through which one remembers the past, making fond memories negative.

Unfortunately, you can’t just choose to switch out of negative sentiment override, as it cannot be worked on directly.  One or both partners being in this state is an indicator that aspects of the relationship have not been going well.  As a result, it will require time and patience to repair.  When it comes to negative sentiment override and making your relationship better for both of you, consider focusing your efforts on the following areas, which include the friendship principles of Dr. Gottman’s Sound Relationship House:

BUILD LOVE MAPS 

Dedicate time to building a road map in your mind of your partner’s inner world that includes thoughts, feelings, hopes, aspirations, dreams, values, and goals.  Love Maps are built by asking open-ended questions and, more importantly, remembering the answers. 

SHARE FONDNESS AND ADMIRATION

Dedicate time to building a culture of respect, which means partners catch one another doing something right and then convey appreciation, respect and affection verbally and nonverbally. Fondness and admiration are built with a positive habit of mind that encourages your ability to ignore your partner’s mistakes and instead notice your partner’s positive contributions to the relationship. Both partners need to actively express fondness, appreciation, affection, and respect.

TURN TOWARD BIDS

Dedicate time to making bids for connection, which are when partners verbally or non-verbally communicate their needs for attention or connection to one another. Once a bid for connection has been made, the other partner can either turn towards the bid by responding positively to it, turn away from the bid by ignoring their partner, or turn against the bid by verbally or nonverbally attacking their partner for making the bid. When partners turn towards each other’s bids for connection, it’s the equivalent of depositing money in an emotional bank account that gets built up over time. Further, be mindful that there is a hierarchy of bidding, from asking for and getting the partner’s attention to asking for and receiving the partner’s empathy and emotional support.

If you are struggling with Negative Sentiment Override, or other issues in your relationship, and are ready to get back on track, please reach out today or make an appointment so we can start rebuilding.

Gottman, J. M. & Silver, Nan (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Gottman, J. M (2011). The science of trust: Emotional attunement for couples.

How to Let Someone Love You

We all know that relationships are hard. People can be mean or cold or violent or inconsistent. They can abandon you or invalidate you or scare you or hurt you. (Am I selling relationships or what!?!). As a therapist specializing in couples counseling, I help people who need to talk through those risks.

What I hadn’t heard being talked about much, but what I’m talking about a lot with clients now,  is how hard it is to let people actually love you and treat you well.

It’s so hard that instead we accept less than we deserve. Or we push away people who are present and attentive. Or we start to give away parts of our selves or our boundaries because it’s hard to trust that love can be ours if we remain our true self.  Despite wanting love, allowing ourselves to be loved can be so so hard. 

If what you are reading sounds like what you are going through, that’s OK! Becasue:

1. You’re not alone

2. There’s probably some important and valid and painful reasons why being loved feels so hard

3. Change is possible.

Start to watch for places you block love. Start to watch for places you don’t have love or show love for yourself. Start to take baby steps towards being loving to yourself and letting other’s love in. 

If you are struggling with this in your life, please reach out or book an appointment. We are here and ready to help.

-Erika