What’s reality and how does it impact marital conflict?
While proving you’re right, supported by thoughtful evidence, may continue to elevate your status in the professional arena, it has no place in a marriage. According to Dr. John Gottman’s research, winning at your partner’s expense is detrimental to your relationship and fails to acknowledge the existence of two valid realities - the reality you see as real and that of your partner’s.
Partners should not engage in conflict with an objective to argue or prove their point; rather, conflict offers an opportunity to explore, understand, and respect two different realities. Such an approach mitigates defensiveness and opens partners up to curiosity, laying the groundwork for accepting influence. How on earth can one expect to influence another if he/she does not truly understand his/her perspective. Anatol Rapoport discovered the exact same idea in his research on how countries successfully influence one another during the Cold War. Dr. Gottman then took what Rapoport found and applied it to his research with couples, finding that misunderstanding lies at the heart of most conflict; that is, an inability or unwillingness to truly listen and attune to your partner’s perspective is a root cause of conflict.
Think about how subjective reality is. One partner returns from a trip, rushed with excitement by her children and husband when she opens the door. However, she doesn’t see the love and enthusiasm they convey; she’s hungry and tired from her travels and only sees the mess in the kitchen behind them, which evokes frustration and causes her to sigh. Meanwhile, her husband becomes angry because he and the children worked hard to prepare her favorite dinner to welcome her home. He shares that she never appreciates anything he does. Reality is subjective; that is, it’s shaped by our core values, our personalities, our family of origins, how we seek emotional stability, our mood, our stress level, etc. As the list is endless; of course, our reality will be different from our partners. Further, it doesn’t mean one is more right, it simply means they are different but, most importantly, equally valid. The next time you find yourself in conflict, ask yourself if you truly understand your partner’s reality or perspective. Then take the opportunity to ask questions to understand.
If you or your partner need some help navigating these conflicts and realities, CCFT can help.