About a third of women experience low sexual desire at some point in their life. In heterosexual relationships the man’s sex drive outweighs the woman’s in about two-thirds of relationships. Why is low libido in women such an issue?
First, let’s consider context. In many cultures women’s sexuality or sexual desires are taboo. Attitudes about female sexuality and sensuality have come a long way in the last few decades but an unfortunate double standard still exists; a promiscuous man is called as a charmer or a playboy but an overtly sexual woman is often labeled as a slut, easy, or worse. Women receiving negative messages from others, implicitly or explicitly, may feel uncomfortable expressing their sexuality or sexual desires.
Women are also stressed out! In heterosexual marriages women, even women who work full time jobs, usually perform most of the housework. The repercussions of the recent pandemic forced many women to engage in more at home schooling and childcare than they usually do. Daycare and schools still close at random due to COVID-related events and while this is a problem for all parents, women on average perform the majority of childcare duties, especially for younger children. No matter the cause, high levels of chronic stress can lead to trouble with sexual arousal.
Finally, a low libido also might be due to poor communication or a lack of connection with one’s partner. Women who have explicit conversations about what sensual touch and sexual activities they like and don’t like are more likely to enjoy having sex with their partner and more likely to want to engage in sexual activities more often.
What can you do to increase your libido?
Talk to your partner. Sharing your day-to-day worries or what you’re stress about will help you feel less burdened.
Relax. Use mindfulness or deep breathing exercises to lower your stress level and leave behind negative thoughts.
Give yourself time. Set goals, prioritize what is important, and put aside time on your calendar to accomplish what you want. This goes for individual tasks as well as relational ones. Schedule a date night.
Be sensual. Many women take more time to become arouse and whole-body sensual touch or massage is a great way to warm up together.
Spice it up. Desire may suffer if sex has become routine. Add something novel that will perk up one of your five senses. Think candles, music, or mood lighting.
Put it on the calendar. Scheduling sex is the number one thing I get push-back on as a couples therapist, but trust me when I say this works. Many believe that for sex to be exciting it must be spontaneous. This type of sex is great but usually happens less often as the relationship progresses. If you want to prioritize sex, accomplish this just like anything else you would prioritize – agree on a future date and time with your partner. You might find your desire increases with a little anticipation.
Low sex drive in women is normal, but it can be frustrating for both you and your partner. If you are struggling, please reach out so we can help you and your partner work through this together.