Understanding Family Estrangement
Over the past few years I have had more and more parents seeking my help after their adult child has cut themselves out of their lives. These are not family members who had a nasty fight and have decided not to speak afterwards, instead these parents are often confused as to exactly what caused their adult child to cut themselves out of their lives. They also typically feel hurt, afraid, powerless, blindsided and maybe even betrayed by their child’s decision. There are typically a number of complicated factors that play into why a person might choose to cut themselves off from their family.
Common Reasons for Family Cutoff
Family cutoff is common, and often a healthy choice, when there is toxic parenting, abuse, or uncontrolled addiction within the family. At least 25% of American adults are currently estranged from a family member. However, family estrangement and cutoff are becoming more common for less severe reasons. More and more adult children are cutting ties with their parents for reasons their parents do not fully understand. Often this is a last resort for an adult child with hurt feelings that are not validated or boundaries that are repeatedly crossed, and it is likely they feel as though cutting off their parent(s) is the only way to take back control of their life.
Other common reasons for family division include holding on to perceived slights from the past (including past divorce or perceived differences in treatment of one’s siblings), disagreements about money, or allegiance to a new spouse over one’s parents. As opposed to the more severe reasons for family cutoff, these conflicts mostly come down to the inability to resolve conflict, communicate in a healthy manner, and to listen effectively to one another.
How Cultural Shifts Impact Family Relationships
As a culture our shift toward increased mobility, a focus on personal well-being, and prioritizing individual fulfillment means that many are less reliant on relatives than in previous generations. Joshua Coleman, an author on family cutoff, writes, “today nothing ties an adult child to a parent beyond that adult child’s desire to have that relationship.”
Decades ago when children were “seen and not heard,” parents demanded respect, expected certain behaviors, and didn’t much care what their children thought of their parenting. This relationship was dutiful but distant and similar dynamics carried through into the child’s adulthood. Contrast this with the more active parenting of today where parents are much more likely to be highly involved in their child’s life and spend more with their child than previous generations.
Most of today’s parents hope for more genuine connection with their children than they had with their parents and aspire for this closeness to continue even after their child leaves home. Whereas prior generations were mostly afraid to have a child who never left home, today’s parents are more likely to fear that their child will never return after leaving. An unintended consequence of this dynamic is that some parents who are highly involved in their child’s life invest less time in themselves and their other relationships or interests, which leads the parent to want a closer relationship with their only focus - their child. This usually backfires because the child feels overwhelmed and smothered by their parent’s need for closeness causing them to want to escape.
Divisions over Values
Western society has also become more politically and culturally divided than ever and families are following this pattern. Value differences related to disagreements of opinion about sexual orientation, gender identity, religious beliefs, politics, and race has been cited as the cause of family estrangement by more than one in three mothers in the U.S.. Most recently, family disagreements regarding how to navigate the current political climate and the COVID-19 pandemic have led to an increase in family cutoff.
Pathways to Reconciliation
But there is good news. Family cutoff is rarely permanent and family members often cycle through phases of estrangement, distanced contact, and reconciliation. While it might be tempting to avoid uncomfortable conversations and hope that the situation solves itself, the healthiest solution is for both parties to work on their communication so that they can resolve some of their differences, even if they agree to disagree about certain things.
Parents who can listen without defensiveness and empathize with their adult child’s feelings have a far greater chance of repairing their relationship. Adult children who can recognize that their parents are likely doing the best they can with the tools they have are more likely to understand that mistakes their parents made are not personal, but are instead part of being human.
What to Do Next and When to Go Seek Professional Help
Moving forward requires an acceptance of where you and your family members are at without accepting their hurtful behavior. Everyone has a right for their feelings to be heard and validated without an immediate counter-attack. If it feels like starting this type of conversation is going to be potentially more harmful rather than helpful, it may be best to seek help from a professional who can act as a neutral mediator and help facilitate a healthy exchange. Licensed family therapists (who carry the LMFT credential) are specifically trained for this kind of work. You can also read more about family cutoff and estrangement on your own from some experts:
Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict by Joshua Coleman
Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them by Karl Andrew Pillemer
Family Estrangement: A Matter of Perspective by Kylie Agliias
Brothers, Sisters, Strangers: Sibling Estrangement and the Road to Reconciliation by Fran Schumer Chapman
If you decide that you are ready to address your family cutoff issues, we are here to help. Our therapist, Kate, specializes in navigating this issue with families and you can book a free 15 minute consultation with here.