You might think that holding your tongue during an argument serves you well. It might, if you are truly able to let whatever is being said slide off your back and not sweep it under the rug. For most of us, holding our tongue means something along the lines of “I am going to remember this and bring it up again as ammunition to use against you later!”
For others, not saying anything is a sign that they have difficulty standing up for themselves. Often this means that the one being silent thinks the other person is controlling and then they end up blaming them somehow. Staying silent won’t make whatever “it” is go away. It will just build up until you explode in anger or in some other fashion.
In couples counseling, I often see clients who after years of being silent can’t hold it in any longer. The relationship is on the brink of collapse.
Given the right tools and the formula for how to effectively stand up for themselves, couples learn how to develop the emotional habits that enable them to stand up for themselves without attacking or blaming the other person. They learn that what used to turn into a meltdown can actually turn into a productive conversation. It’s so empowering to rise up and flourish instead of fade away during arguments.
Standing up for yourself doesn’t have to be an ugly mess that turns into a showdown with guns loaded. Getting the right tools is essential for learning how to fight fair and stand up for yourself.
One of the first tools for effectively standing up for yourself is being able to focus on your own reactions by emotionally regulating yourself. If you let what the other person says trigger the hell out of you, chances are the guns will come out. Being able to regulate yourself is critical. You need to learn to breath, stay grounded and focus on what YOU are saying.
There are many tools to help you along the way. Would you like to learn more? If you would like to learn how to stand up for yourself effectively, please give me a call. I would love to hear how you regulate yourself, and please share in the comments section!
Here’s to learning how to fight fair!