Back to School Basics: Timeouts

In most relationships, emotions can get real hot real quick. We say something hurtful. Our partner hurls a hurtful attack back. And on it goes. Not only feelings get hurt, but relationships are hurt and foundational trust is ruptured.

A quick, basic strategy to stop hemorrhaging, buy time, and not make things worse, is to establish a safe word. This is a word you say to signifying that you are hitting pause, taking space, and interrupting the hurt spiral. The word can be anything. I had one couple who said "muskrat." It’s hilarious, and because it’s hilarious, it helped diffuse hot conflicts. Hard to yell and laugh at the same time.But lately, I have been a fan of using "ouch" as the diffusing word. It’s a little more accurate, a little more vulnerable and true (often anger is a secondary emotion to hurt), and it can soften the interaction.

From that point, take an hour and reassess. If you're still too heated to talk, say so. "Hey, im not ready. This is important, but I’m still to heated to communicate effectively. Lets check back in in an hour." That second part is important because often one person can feel anxious or abandoned by the space. Or couples can hit pause and not return to the conflict which only leads to festering, undealt-with, emotions. This strategy should be agreed upon ahead of time so that both parties can agree upon the words and the terms and what the intention is behind hitting pause. This may need some experimentation and tweaking as you go, but is worth a try to start to help you get unstuck from ineffective and hurtful communication patterns.

Need help getting started with this practice? Need help in other areas of your relationship? We can help. Call us today and start rebuilding your relationship.

Pre-Engagement Counseling

I know this seems counterintuitive, yet it is true.  The majority of couples come to counseling when? When there is a pretty major rift already in place and both parties have dug their heels in deep. I help couples in distress on a daily basis. They get new communications tools to put into practice and begin to climb out of the hole they have fallen into.

This month, I have several new couples seeking pre-engagement counseling. All the couples are in a good place and want to know how they can stay that way for the long haul. Several come from divorced families and they want to avoid that outcome at all costs.  

So what are we doing in therapy if they are in a good spot? With a little digging we uncover a lot.  Couples are typically very good at ignoring or putting up with bad habits in the beginning, but as time goes on, the habits become pain points for both partners. For example, one of the partners is not good at speaking up for herself. He on the other hand tends to make plans which are great but isn’t great at asking for her opinion. This will be fine and dandy until a few years down the road when her resentment is peaking because she kept quiet and he has no clue about the distaste simmering just beneath the surface. The resentment will show itself in other ways that most likely won’t make sense to him. She might finally explode and he will be baffled because he thought he was doing a great job planning fun trips.  

Guess who is the culprit in this ordeal? Both of them. He never asked or inquired about her perspective and she never voiced her unhappiness. Get curious, check in with each other, do not hold your feelings in and stand up for yourself.  

In pre-engagement counseling we unearth the stuff you don’t realize is a potential disaster down the road. We also discuss how to have a productive argument, what triggers certain personality types and how to avoid this, how to take total responsibility for yourself and how to keep your personal power.

Don’t become one of the statistics and go through a painful breakup or divorce. Let us help you get all the tools and relationship advice before you think you even need it. Check out our pre-marital couples counseling or couples counseling and make an appointment today! 

Remember, You're a Team! - A Relationship Metaphor

Some parts of being in a relationship should be like being teammates. Let's examine some team dynamics that are worth considering:

• Teams practice. You may come in with skills but you spend time practicing and honing skills. If a teammate isn't improving or is getting worse, there is an attempt to help them improve. Feedback is given. Teammates don't just write off feedback, even if it is negative.

• Teams acknowledge complementary skills. Not everyone is the pitcher. Not everyone is the catcher. It's not necessarily that the requirements of different positions are always fair or even, but they acknowledge that they help each other and need each other's strengths to play well.

• Teams cheer each other on in success, share wins, console each other in loses.

• If your team mate has an off day, gets hurt, or plays poorly, you don't assume it's an attempt to hurt you or that it's your fault or that they are a bad human for being an imperfect player.

• Teams do bonding activities. Don't know how to bond with your partner? We can help with that. 

Play ball!!

Still struggling with creating a happy, healthy relationship? Contact us today and start improving your relationship tomorrow. 

The Cost of Not Standing up For Yourself

You might think that holding your tongue during an argument serves you well.  It might, if you are truly able to let whatever is being said slide off your back and not sweep it under the rug.  For most of us, holding our tongue means something along the lines of “I am going to remember this and bring it up again as ammunition to use against you later!”

For others, not saying anything is a sign that they have difficulty standing up for themselves.  Often this means that the one being silent thinks the other person is controlling and then they end up blaming them somehow. Staying silent won’t make whatever “it” is go away.  It will just build up until you explode in anger or in some other fashion.

In couples counseling, I often see clients who after years of being silent can’t hold it in any longer.  The relationship is on the brink of collapse.

Given the right tools and the formula for how to effectively stand up for themselves, couples learn how to develop the emotional habits that enable them to stand up for themselves without attacking or blaming the other person.  They learn that what used to turn into a meltdown can actually turn into a productive conversation.  It’s so empowering to rise up and flourish instead of fade away during arguments.

Standing up for yourself doesn’t have to be an ugly mess that turns into a showdown with guns loaded.  Getting the right tools is essential for learning how to fight fair and stand up for yourself.

One of the first tools for effectively standing up for yourself is being able to focus on your own reactions by emotionally regulating yourself.  If you let what the other person says trigger the hell out of you, chances are the guns will come out.  Being able to regulate yourself is critical.  You need to learn to breath, stay grounded and focus on what YOU are saying.

There are many tools to help you along the way.  Would you like to learn more?  If you would like to learn how to stand up for yourself effectively, please give me a call.  I would love to hear how you regulate yourself, and please share in the comments section!

Here’s to learning how to fight fair!