how to fight with your spouse

3 Bad Words

1. Never

Do you use this word when describing your partner’s behaviors, intentions, etc..??  If you do, stop it.  It’s most likely not even remotely true.  “You NEVER consider my feelings.”  Never is really a clue for you.  It could be your partner is yearning for a closer connection but going about it in a backwards way.  It might be them covertly saying “I want you to know how much I need and care for you and I am not feeling that you want this, too.”  Instead of arguing that you absolutley do “X,Y and Z”, connect tiwth the emotion behind the frustration.  Is it fear, sadness or something else?  Get curious instead of defensive.  

2) Always

Always.  Again, probably not true.  Always and never are like evil twins.  Get them out of your vocabulary.  Instead of saying always, assert your frustration and be specific.  “I am getting tired of feeling like I pick up your dirty clothes on a daily basis.  That might not be totally accurate, but it sure feels that way.”  Always and Never are received as a global attack on somebody’s character.  Instead, focus on how the behaviors or events impact you on a personal level, keep it about yourself and not how horrible the other person is.  If you want the other person to have sympathy for you, attacking them is never the way to go.  Hey babe, I know you have long days too, and that you just want to relax when you get home, however just dumping your stuff on the floor feels like I am your housekeeper and I need to clean up.  Tidiness calms me down, so if you could help me with staying calm, that would be great.”

3) But

I love you BUT….  Ick.  We all know that line.  When you throw a BUT into a sentance it negates the first half of what you said!  It makes it completely irrelevant,  You can have the exact same sentance if you replace BUT with AND.  I love you AND when you come to bed at 3 am it messes up my sleep.  I love you AND when you use that tone with me I feel like a child.  I completely disagree with you AND you are entitled to your opinion.  

Try to kick those words out of your vernacular.  Those words suck AND when I use them my husband is quick to remind me about the 3 bad words.  As always, we are shooting for a B+ / A- range for being in tune and staying connected.  Nobody has an A+ unless they are brushing things under the rug, which leads to resentment and other nasty things.  Learn to air your grievances in a way that will allow your partner to give you everything you want.  

Need help in these areas?  Call us!  We are a group of relationship experts. 303-881-3355

 

The Cost of Not Standing up For Yourself

You might think that holding your tongue during an argument serves you well.  It might, if you are truly able to let whatever is being said slide off your back and not sweep it under the rug.  For most of us, holding our tongue means something along the lines of “I am going to remember this and bring it up again as ammunition to use against you later!”

For others, not saying anything is a sign that they have difficulty standing up for themselves.  Often this means that the one being silent thinks the other person is controlling and then they end up blaming them somehow. Staying silent won’t make whatever “it” is go away.  It will just build up until you explode in anger or in some other fashion.

In couples counseling, I often see clients who after years of being silent can’t hold it in any longer.  The relationship is on the brink of collapse.

Given the right tools and the formula for how to effectively stand up for themselves, couples learn how to develop the emotional habits that enable them to stand up for themselves without attacking or blaming the other person.  They learn that what used to turn into a meltdown can actually turn into a productive conversation.  It’s so empowering to rise up and flourish instead of fade away during arguments.

Standing up for yourself doesn’t have to be an ugly mess that turns into a showdown with guns loaded.  Getting the right tools is essential for learning how to fight fair and stand up for yourself.

One of the first tools for effectively standing up for yourself is being able to focus on your own reactions by emotionally regulating yourself.  If you let what the other person says trigger the hell out of you, chances are the guns will come out.  Being able to regulate yourself is critical.  You need to learn to breath, stay grounded and focus on what YOU are saying.

There are many tools to help you along the way.  Would you like to learn more?  If you would like to learn how to stand up for yourself effectively, please give me a call.  I would love to hear how you regulate yourself, and please share in the comments section!

Here’s to learning how to fight fair!

Validation Strategies: Bonus - Validate yo' self!! Part Two

Validation isn't just for external relationships. If you want to take it to the next level with some upper division therapy shit, try the validation strategies on yourself. I'll be doing bonus blogs with each validation strategy to give pointers for how to validate yourself so you can heal and strengthen your relationship with you.

Strategy Two: Reflect back!

In the same way we can reflect back to others (see reflect back blog), we can use this skill intrapersonally to build a relationship with ourselves.

But, how!?!

Glad you asked! We reflect back by observing our experience and putting words on it. You can do this by journaling or by just labeling things in your head (yup...I'm advocating talking to yourself. You do it anyway, might as well do it intentionally and use your inner monologue to validate rather than tear you down!) Notice thoughts, emotions, behaviors, body sensations, action urges, ect. This observing and describing helps us be mindful, slow down, notice patterns, and gain insight.

Example: "So when he was late to dinner I took it personally and got mad." By making that statement you give yourself the opportunity to check the facts and question if it was actually personal, it can help you feel empathy in the situation, and it can help identify your triggers.

This is best done with an nonjudgmental stance and a sense of curiosity. It'd be rad to take that last example and add the phrase "isn’t that interesting" to the end. So it would be "when he was late to dinner, I took it personally and got mad. Isn’t that interesting." Your relationship with yourself will grow leaps and bounds by seeing yourself with spaciousness and grace and wonder.