The birth of a child is a momentous event that is often a joyous and transformative life stage. However, parenthood also introduces a host of challenges that can put strain on a couple’s relationship. Juggling the demands of caring for a newborn, managing postpartum hormonal changes for mom and dad, and adjusting to a new lack of resources (sleep, time, money, emotional bandwidth, etc.) can lead to a deterioration of the partnership at the foundation of this new family.
Relationship expert John Gottman has found that most parents experience a decline in relationship satisfaction for the first few years after bringing home baby. A recent study found that the birth of a first child reduces an individual’s happiness 50% more than other stressful life events like divorce or the loss of a job. In 2019 a survey of 2000 parents in the United Kingdom found that 1 in 5 couples broke up in the first year of parenthood.
Here are 7 Tips to maintain a healthy relationship and connection with your partner during the transition to parenthood.
1. Have Clear and Open Communication
This serves as the cornerstone of any successful relationship, especially during this significant life transition. It is essential to be honest with your partner about your feelings, fears, and expectations. Repeated unmet expectations will inevitably lead to resentment and withdrawal, therefore it is vital to share your wants and desires with your partner. Having realistic expectations and communicating them to one another sets you up for success.
When you communicate with your partner it is essential that both individuals express their needs and concerns without fear of judgment or resentment. Approach conflicts with empathy and a willingness to understand the other person’s perspective. Avoiding blame and criticism allows you both to focus on finding solutions together rather than bickering. Speaking in “I statements” is often helpful during this process as it prevents the other person from feeling blamed or judged. Honest conversations about the challenges and joys of parenthood can strengthen the emotional bond between partners.
2. Preserve quality time for each other
The demands of parenting can leave couples with little time and energy for each other. However, relationships thrive in direct proportion to how much attention they are given. Research shows that couples with a strong friendship at the foundation of their relationship experience greater relationship satisfaction for a longer period of time. Carving out time for one other is essential to maintaining the health of the relationship. Schedule regular time together away from baby, even if it means hiring a babysitter, to reconnect and enjoy each other. If you are on a budget, try to find a fellow parent that you trust to trade date nights. Do not be afraid to rely on your support community.
3. Nurture Emotional Intimacy
Emotional intimacy is a pillar of a healthy relationship. After becoming parents, partners often focus solely on the needs of their child, neglecting their emotional connection. To nurture intimacy, it's crucial to create moments of vulnerability and emotional sharing. Partners should listen actively and empathetically to each other's concerns, offering support and reassurance. Sharing hopes, dreams, and fears can deepen the emotional bond, fostering a sense of security and trust. Communicating affection for your partner by giving compliments or expressing gratitude can also go a long way in reaffirming your love for one another.
4. Prioritize Physical Intimacy
Post-baby life comes with intense psychological and physiological changes, especially for mom. Most mothers are becoming reacquainted with a body that feels entirely foreign to them after creating and birthing another human being. Breastfeeding creates an additional demand on mother’s bodies and they may not feel as comfortable with themselves as they did before baby. These changes combined with a lack of sleep contribute to a decline in sexual desire and it is normal for this desire to remain low during the first year postpartum. However, it is vital to preserve some form of physical intimacy, even if it is not sex. Even small acts of physical affection, such as cuddling, hugging, and kissing, can foster a sense of closeness and enhance emotional intimacy.
5. Embrace Teamwork
Raising a child is a joint endeavor, and couples must work as a team to navigate the challenges of parenthood. Relationship satisfaction often more severely declines for women after the birth of a child due to taking on more household and child-related chores at home, even when both partners work. Ensure that each person contributes to child-rearing responsibilities and decision making as well as household tasks. Remember to play to your strengths. If you are a morning person but your partner is a night owl, take baby first thing in the morning and let them sleep in a bit but negotiate getting the last load of dishes done before bed. Save yourself some energy by letting go of the “right way” to parent or perform certain tasks. If your child is safe, it is okay to embrace flexibility and let others do things a little differently than you would. By sharing the workload, partners can prevent feelings of resentment and further promotes a sense of equality and partnership.
6. Practice Self-Care
Caring for a newborn can be physically and emotionally taxing, often leaving little room for self-care. However, maintaining one's physical and mental well-being is crucial for the health of the relationship. Partners should encourage each other to take breaks, rest, and engage in activities that bring them joy and relaxation. Research shows that one of the most significant indicators of decline in relationship satisfaction is a stressed, unsupportive, depressed or anxious spouse. When both partners prioritize self-care, they become better equipped to support each other and the relationship as a whole.
7. Seeking Professional Help
There is no shame in seeking professional help when challenges seem insurmountable. Sometimes you need help from a third party. Couples therapy can provide a safe space for partners to explore their feelings, concerns, and unresolved issues. A therapist can offer guidance, communication tools, and strategies to navigate through the complexities of parenthood, strengthening the foundation of the relationship.
While parenting brings joy and fulfillment, it also presents challenges that can strain a romantic relationship. Recognize that this is a difficult transition for both of you and try to embrace your new normal as much as you can. Be patient and give it time. Research shows that couples who navigated the transition to parenthood without a decline in satisfaction involved both partners working as an equal team. Use this as an opportunity to recommit to growing together. This will solidify a foundation of love and connection that will benefit not only your relationship but also your new child’s growth and development.