Four Square Breathing

Four Reasons to Try "Four Square Breathing"

1. It’s easy. If you can count to four and breathe, you can do it.

2. You can do it anywhere. One DBT skill for distress tolerance is distraction. For this you can go for a walk, watch TV, squeeze silly putty, smell flowers, etc. The list is endless (and having all those options is empowering). But you don’t always have the time to go to the gym, or the money to buy an adult coloring book. And, if you’re in a meeting or on a date, let’s face it, playing with a slinky or going around chanting in lotus pose is just plain weird. But no one needs to know that you are controlling your breathing, refocusing, and calming your nervous system as you do four-square breathing.

3. Turns on parasympathetic nervous system. I will spare you the nerdy science, but let’s just say that four square breathing can help take you from frenetic fight/flight/freeze to calm rest/digest/process mode.

4. Gives anxious or obsessive brain a task. If your brain is going a million miles an hour in circles, sometimes it is soothed by doing something basic and concrete. Instead of letting your monkey mind swing from thought to thought, you can focus on counting your breathe and noticing your inhales and exhales. It is difficult for a brain to obsess about the talk you’re about to have or taxes or germ while simultaneously counting your breaths.

How to do Four Square Breathing

1. Breathe in for a count of four

2. Pause for a count of four

3. Breathe out for a count of four

4. Pause for a count of four

5. Rinse and repeat. Do 4 cycles.

Now all you have to do is try it!

Therapy as a Part of the Heroines Journey

I had heard of the hero’s journey. It was made popular by Joseph Campbell and is an archetype for human struggle and growth and is the basis for most all stories.

But I hadn’t heard of the heroine’s journey. While the hero’s journey is the archetype of peoples interactions with their life and environment and society, the heroine’s journey is the archetype for peoples struggles with their emotions, needs, intuition, and sense of self. The hero deals with the exterior. The heroine deals with the interior.

I heard about this concept from a podcast (typical Erika). Here is an expert from an article that outlines the steps of the heroines journey.

Note: While this talks about the journey for a heroine with she/her pronouns, it’s not a gendered thing. Men and women and non binary folks in western society lose their feminine selves (connection to emotions and intuition) and over emphasize masculine energy (productivity, busyness, conquering). I bet if you ditch the gendered wording you’ll relate.

”1. ILLUSION OF THE PERFECT WORLD. The heroine has an idea of the world she is living in that is not entirely accurate. She uses coping strategies that she believes will work in the world as they believe it to be. Such coping strategies can include: naivete (nothing will happen to me); men/dominant group will take care of me; I am exceptional and will be “one of the guys” or just simply fit in seamlessly; everything will work out if I can please my mother/father/husband/boss/etc. This is us living as our false self.

2. BETRAYAL/DISILLUSIONMENT. The heroine’s coping strategies fall apart either because she is betrayed by someone, because they realize their coping strategy is toxic/ineffective, or because they realize their assumed world is not what they thought. This may be a loss of some kind, a breakup, divorce or a perceived failure that breaks the heroine down emotionally.

3.THE AWAKENING & PREPARING FOR THE JOURNEY. The heroine may initially become hopeless but eventually she decides to do something about her situation. Others may try to discourage the heroine, but the force of the betrayal or failure pushes her on. The whole direction of her life begins to change. The heroine searches for the tools she needs, but is still looking outside of herself.

4. THE DESCENT—PASSING THE GATES OF JUDGMENT. The heroine experiences fear, abandonment, guilt, and/or shame associated with giving up her old way of being. She may be challenged by the outside world with judgments against her new identity. She may feel guilty or ashamed about sexual desires/expression. Or she may have fears/shame associated with expressing herself honestly and freely, honoring her intuition, setting boundaries, and/or letting go of relationships that aren’t in alignment anymore. Out of fear, she is trying desperately to control life and every aspect of it. As a result, nothing can flow smoothly. The heroine must give up control and all of her strategies/tools/defenses/“weapons” to move forward.

5. THE EYE OF THE STORM. In this stage (which corresponds with Murdock’s Boon of Success) the heroine experiences a small taste of success which brings about a false sense of security. The heroine may experience momentary—but not sustained—success because she is not a vibrational match for this success quite yet. She is still clenching, closing and trying to control. She has more to learn before she finds peace and wholeness.

6.DEATH/ALL IS LOST. In this stage the heroine realizes that her original coping strategies are no longer effective and that her new-found skills/tools/coping strategies are not sustainable. To continue on this way is depleting her energy, and as things get worse, the heroine feels there is no hope. Despite her best efforts, she fails to move forward and is forced to accept defeat. She is finally ready to surrender.

7. SUPPORT. The heroine meets someone (who may be a spirit/goddess/muse within, a friend, family member, love interest, spiritual teacher, coach, or specific resource) who offers support. The heroine embraces the “feminine” aspect of receiving support and accepts that she is not completely self-sufficient. The heroine surrenders as opens herself to receive. She embraces her need for support as a positive thing knowing that she needs to do things differently than she has in the past in order to successfully move forward.

8. REBIRTH/MOMENT OF TRUTH. The heroine finds her strength and resolve with the help of this support. She “awakens” and sees the world and her role within it differently. The heroine understands that brains, heart, and courage will be required, and she begins to face her own fear with compassion.

9. RETURN TO A WORLD SEEN THROUGH NEW EYES. The heroine sees the world for what it is (not better than it is and not worse). Her experience will change others—but receiving recognition for being a change-maker is not the heroine’s priority. The consequences of her experience and awakening may extend beyond her lifetime and into future generations through her children, younger siblings, friendships, etc. The heroine’s reward is spiritual and internal. She now knows herself on a deeper level and is committed to showing up as this centered, compassionate being in the world. This new outlook brings new, more effective strategies for living. I see this play out with myself and clients. People come in to therapy separated from their self. They thought the relationship, or job, or perfect body, or approval of family, or an impressive circle of friends, etc was supposed to be the thing. But in pursuit of that thing, they lose themselves. Some are addicted to substances or food or porn, or maybe numbed out, or just stuck. All are unhappy. Therapy can be a process by which we continue on the journey to ourselves. Spoiler alert: it sucks sometimes. If you’re lucky you reconnect to all your disowned rage and grief which ultimately carves out space for true connection and joy but first feels like a deep dark cave of pain. As someone’s who’s spent much more than one dark night of the soul in a dark cave, and will undoubtably go back another time or twenty, my favorite job is to be a tour guide and companion to the cave, and in the cave, and finally, at your pace, out of the cave. Basically, I’m loving the framework of the heroines journey as a blueprint. It feels more predictable and hopeful. I hope it resonates with someone else out there as well!”

We are all people on a journey, and whether you believe it or not, we all have both a hero’s and heroine’s journey to walk. If you need help figuring out the details of yours, I am here for you. Individual therapy can help you come to terms with your journey. Reach out to me today.

Validation Strategies: Bonus - Validate Yo Self!!

Validation isn't just for external relationships. If you want to take it to the next level with some upper division therapy shit, try the validation strategies on yourself. I'll be doing bonus blogs with each validation strategy to give pointers for how to validate yourself so you can heal and strengthen your relationship with you.

Strategy one: show up!

Real talk: How often to you show up for yourself? How often do you really take the time to check in? If your gut tries to get a hold of you, do you take the call or let it go to a voicemail you rarely check? Do you make uninterrupted time to be with yourself or do you spend alone time frantically distracting?

If a friend did to you what you do to yourself, how would you feel? Maybe sad and alone. Maybe hurt. Maybe pissed. Maybe resentful. Maybe you just give up on sharing important details about your thoughts, feelings, needs, boundaries, and values.

So often we disconnect from ourselves then wonder why we feel disconnected from our lives and our relationships. How could I fully listen to another if I'm not willing to listen to myself? How can I assert a need or a boundary if I don't know what they are? How can I express my emotions to someone if I don't how I feel?

Your relationship with yourself is SO important! If you feel like it needs some help, try paying attention to you. Start with planning some alone time, free of distraction. Maybe take a walk in nature or journal or meditate. Create a time to check in and pay attention, even just once a week or few a few min a day. It may take a while to grow, heal, or rebuild your relationship with yourself. It may not always be easy. It may not always be convenient. But you're worth it!