Groundhog Day, How to Not Do Things Over and Over

You've probably seen the movie Groundhog Day where Bill Murray keeps repeating the day over and over and over.  If you are doing this in your life, whether at work, home or with family, here are some things to consider.

If you have a habit that isn't serving you, get yourself a new one.  For example, if you find yourself being defensive constantly, you need to switch it up.  Instead of remaining in your defensive posture, try to take in what the other person is saying as information and not an attack.  You might tell the other person that you know you have a pattern of getting defensive and that you are trying to get out of that cycle.  If they hear you coming from a place of invitation to discuss and not a stance of defensiveness, you might find yourself having a totally different interaction.  Remember that they are used to you pushing back and possibly not being open minded.

This might be tough at first especially if the other person stays stuck in their routine of attack and blame.  If this happens, try to remain calm and always remember that if you can focus on your own reactions, you will help manage the other person.  You are trying to shift the way things have been going for months, but most likely years.  Be patient with yourself and the other person.

Habits solidify over time, not overnight.  Give yourself and your partner time to adjust and don't give up.  Like I always say, you don't walk into the gym and come out with a six pack stomach.  You need to practice new skills on a daily basis until it becomes a habit.  Once you get the habit into muscle memory, it becomes so much easier.

If you need help breaking up with your habits, or learning how to switch it up, we are here for you. Schedule an appointment today.

The Post Without a Name

My fantastic day that was taken away

The day that was supposed to be all about me isn’t

First world problems and why am I whining?

I’m selfish, this is my job as a mommy

Now I feel guilty

I had a day all to myself.  All about me.  I was even excited at 2 am.  I had trouble sleeping but that was ok because I had a day of rest and relaxation planned out with some work and chores thrown in.  Then, at 4 am the dog decides he must go outside.  He did his business then decided it was a great time to roll all over while I am glaring at him from the other side of the door.  Finally I fell back asleep around 6 am.  Alarm goes off at 6:20, but that’s ok because I still have my whole day when I get back from morning errands.  

My son woke up not feeling any better from the night before.  He’s staying home.  My husband forgot to have a meeting with me about money, which is fine at night but stressful when we rush it in the morning.  Then we can’t find the right super hero show on TV and can’t find the network password to find it on the Apple TV.  We ran out of batteries for the remote so I took them out of the bathroom scale.  Now my English Breakfast Tea is cold.  All the while I am really trying to breathe and tell myself these are such minor things. But that also means that I was seriously getting pissy about my day being taken away.

I was supposed to wake up, do school drop off while listening to our book on audible together.  It’s a fun morning tradition complete with dragons, sword battles for legendary characters, etc.. Then I listen to my new book on the way home.  The best part was upon arrival at home I would begin my new workout today and healthy eating plan.  Sigh…  

It’s now 8:35 am.  My plan is to now rearrange my crappy mindset.  Obviously I can still make this day about me, but my little (not so little) guy comes first.  “Mommy please get me my pillow” makes my heart melt.  Now that it is quiet here, I have regrouped and will make the day what it was originally going to be but with a few minor tweaks.  

Conclusion?  My day was great, it was exactly as it was meant to be.  Sometimes changing my mindset takes a bit of extra effort.  But it always makes me feel better.  Taking a pause, several deep relaxing breaths and tuning into what is actually the most important feels right.  The days will continue to be occasionally messy and they can still be cleaned up.  My day turned out to be quiet, peaceful and soothing.  EXACTLY what I wanted in the first place. 

May Meditation Series: Focused attention

We all have monkey minds. Our minds chatter, swing from thought to thought, and, sometimes, even hurl shit at us.

To help tame the monkey mind, we can practice mindfulness to focus our attention.

One of my favorite ways to practice is four square breathing.

To do this:

1. Breathe in for four counts. Keep your focus on your in breath. Maybe notice the air passing through your nostrils or your abdomen expanding.

2. Pause. Hold your breath for four counts.

3. Breathe out for four counts. Again, notice the sensation of breath passing through your nostrils or your abdomen falling.

4. Pause for a count of four.

5. Repeat steps 1-4 four times.

Your mind may wander and monkey around. If it does, label it "thinking" and return to focusing on your breath.

May Meditation Series: Loving Kindness Meditation

This kind of meditation, also called Metta meditation, is about developing a sense of love, ease, and spaciousness. Not only do we take control of our mind but our heart and purposefully cultivate emotion.

This can be a wonderful practice to challenge self loathing or perfectionsim. It can be helpful for pushing past anger and hurt in relationships. It can even be helpful in traffic or while watching the news or facebook when emotions can run hot at times.

Below is a script from the contemplative mind website that outlines the practice.

"Breathing in and out from the heart center, begin by generating this kind feeling toward yourself. Feel any areas of mental blockage or numbness, self-judgment, self-hatred. Then drop beneath that to the place where we care for ourselves, where we want strength and health and safety for ourselves.

Continuing to breathe in and out, use either these traditional phrases or ones you choose yourself. Say or think them several times.

May I be free from inner and outer harm and danger. May I be safe and protected.

May I be free of mental suffering or distress.

May I be happy.

May I be free of physical pain and suffering.

May I be healthy and strong.

May I be able to live in this world happily, peacefully, joyfully, with ease.

Next, move to a person who most invites the feeling of pure unconditional loving kindness, the love that does not depend on getting anything back. The first person is usually someone we consider a mentor, a benefactor, an elder. It might be a parent, grandparent, teacher, someone toward whom it takes no effort to feel respect and reverence, someone who immediately elicits the feeling of care. Repeat the phrases for this person: “May she be safe and protected….”

After feeling strong unconditional love for the benefactor, move to a person you regard as a dear friend and repeat the phrases again, breathing in and out of your heart center.

Now move to a neutral person, someone for whom you feel neither strong like nor dislike. As you repeat the phrases, allow yourself to feel tenderness, loving care for their welfare.

Now move to someone you have difficulty with–hostile feelings, resentments. Repeat the phrases for this person. If you have difficulty doing this, you can say before the phrases, “To the best of my ability I wish that you be….” If you begin to feel ill will toward this person, return to the benefactor and let the loving kindness arise again. Then return to this person.

Let the phrases spread through your whole body, mind, and heart.

After the difficult person, radiate loving kindness out to all beings. Stay in touch with the ember of warm, tender loving-kindness at the center of your being, and begin to visualize or engender a felt sense of all living beings. The traditional phrases are these:

May all beings be safe, happy, healthy, live joyously…..

May all living beings be safe, happy, healthy, live joyously…..

May all breathing beings be safe, happy, healthy, live joyously…..

May all individuals be safe, happy, healthy, live joyously…..

May all beings in existence be safe, happy, healthy, live joyously….."

Type Two Fun

My friends and I are admittedly weird. We like to do distance running, running at high altitude, and training for marathons. What makes us  weird is that we call these types of activities "fun", but we like to use the term "Type Two Fun". For example: Running the Mount Evans Ascent is Type Two Fun. Getting up at 5am to do a long training run for a marathon is Type Two Fun. Climbing the Manitou Incline is Type Two Fun. You get the picture? Type Two fun is the kind of fun that's not fun in the moment. It’s the kind of fun that exists in nervous excitement and hard earned accomplishment. It’s the kind of fun that hurts so good.

Having this label that includes the word fun helps, at least for me. It anchors me in my sense of choice...signing up for type two fun activities is purely elective. It anchors me in meaning and values...I know I will be proud of myself for persevering. It anchors me in creating and holding space for pain...pain is part of the deal of this kind of fun and not something to be avoided or denied.

But I’ve started thinking "what if I generalized this concept?" What if I applied it to work or relationships? How much more tolerable would life be if I remember that I'm empowered to make choices, follow values, and embrace some pain in other areas of my life?

Calling something Type Two Fun doesn’t flatten a steep inclined trail or push my alarm back to 8am instead of 5am. It won't write that report, alleviate rush hour traffic, erase that misunderstanding with your partner, or make potty training your child easy. But it can create space and might be worth a try.

Focus on Your Focus

This picture was taken the other day in front of my house. You can’t see it, but two feet away there's a dumpster. Both were in my environment. I just chose to focus on the flowering tree. It got me thinking how our power and our happiness lies in our focus.

We can’t control our past, our friends and family, our thoughts, our moods, our biology....etc. Instead of focusing on what we can’t control, I find it helpful to focus on what we can control. And one thing we can control is our focus. So instead of being a victim or a slave to circumstances, we can find some control, some mastery, some relief in our focus.

So instead of focusing on traffic, you can focus on music. Instead of focusing on anger from the fight you had last night with your partner, you can focus on self care, empathy for your partner, and underlying desire to keep your partnership alive. Instead of focusing on counting calories,, you can focus on the company and conversations at the dinner table. Instead of focusing on your racing heart, you can focus on slowing and deepening your breathing during a panic attack. You get the picture.

This is a skill. It takes practice. It’s not magic, it’s mindfulness.