Holiday Survival Tips: Building Your Emotional Resiliency - Part 2 of 2

In Part 1 of this series I broke the news to you that holidays are stressful (you're welcome!) and I took you through some ways to lengthen your emotional fuse by take care of your physical self. So now that you're treating any illness, eating balanced, working out regularly, sleeping well, and avoiding cigarettes and coffee (right!?! we're all skill ninjas on that front, right!?!? good!).

4 Tips to Build Emotional Resilience

So this time I'm gonna give some more skills to make you more psychologically resilient. These aren't one and done, quick fix, cure all's. But, if done regularly, they can help you ride out the emotional shit storms that come around.

1. Build mastery. It's hard to feel confident and grounded when everything in your day feels incomplete or stressful or too challenging. Do at least one thing a day that makes you feel confident and competent. For me, it's making my bed or playing a game of "words with friends" or checking off an errand on a to-do list.

2. Practice gratitude. Studies have repeatedly proven the psychological benefits of gratitude on mood and cognition. You can write it down or say it out loud, but don't just keep it in your head. I like writing down 5-10 gratitude every morning but doing a less structured and more spontaneous practice works too.

3. Breathe deeply. Breathing calms the nervous system and promotes ability to think clearly and process events and emotions. Often we go about our day on auto pilot, not breathing well. Breathing deeply roots you in the present moment. You know you're breathing deeply if you can hear the air come in and out of your nose and if you can feel your belly rise and fall with each inhalation and exhalation.

4. Laugh. You don't have to, but you can. And if you can, why not!?! Laughing doesn't mean everything's ok. It simply means you're embracing the lite and fun and silly parts of life too. So watch that funny show, listen to your favorite comedian, call your funny friend, watch ridiculous YouTube videos of babies cracking up at cats falling down...Whatever it is that helps you get your laugh on, go for it!

And, if you need more help, please contact us. We'd love to support you and your family. We are offing virtual therapy sessions during this difficult time.

Holiday Survival Tips: Building Your Emotional Resiliency - Part 1 of 2

News flash: The holidays are stressful! Especially when you’re also dealing with a pandemic and navigating social distancing in a time of social events and gatherings! You're gonna need as long an emotional fuse as you can get to manage family, friends, work, shopping, and all the emotions that this time of year can dig up.

5 Tips to Emotionally Survive the Holidays

Here's part one of two, on how to build your emotional resiliency. These suggestions are based on Marsha Linehan's DIalectical Behavior Therapy skills. This set addresses ways to keep your outer warrior (your body) strong so it can protect and serve your inner warrior (your heart and mind).

1. Treat physical illness. This is not a time to just suck it up, walk it off, and pretend you're superhuman. If you are physically run down, you are more susceptible to being emotionally run down. So take those vitamins, get lots of water and rest, see the doctor sooner than later.

2. Eat moderately and healthfully. If you're on a strict diet or if you're over-indulging on the regular, you will be more likely to have big, overwhelming emotions. No need to feel sluggish and bloated or deprived and hangry on top of other holiday stressors.

3. Avoid/limit mood altering substances. Unlike the air traffic controller in "Airplane", the holidays are the EXACT right time to quit sniffing glue! Haha. But seriously, while nicotine, caffeine, alcohol, marijuana may help in the moment, they can keep you from appropriately managing your emotions, give you a false sense of your energy, and leave you more frazzled and less grounded in the long run.

4. Get moving. Moderate physical exercise can be a way to distract, unwind, breathe deeply, and release stress. Bonus points if you move in nature, move mindfully, and practice gratitude for your body while you're getting a workout in.

5. Get enough sleep. There's a million things to do and not enough time to do it. Trust me, I get it. And, to be able to participate as fully and meaningfully in the activities and not burn out early, sleep is important. Try to get in a routine, focus on sleep hygiene, and prioritize sleep.

You won't/ can't be perfect at all this. That's not even the point. The point is: when possible, be as thoughtful as you can be about protecting (and lengthening, when possible) that emotional fuse.

We're here to help too. Don't put off getting more support. Contact us or book an appointment today.

Finding Your Center in Hectic Holiday times

On-going wars, the election, and now holidays!?! Yikes!! Plus whatever is going on in your family, work, personal life, and just in your own body!?! Gross! Life is definitely lifing these days! 

There’s so much going on to trigger us and knock us off center. It’s easy to find yourself in the past or future or zoned out into outer space. 

When we get too stressed we go into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn (reflexive people pleasing). We feel anxious or depressed. We avoid people. We rage on people. We people please or fix people. We try to change how we feel with addictions to drugs or alcohol or food or sex or shopping or whatever. 

And since it’s the holiday season, we’re supposed to hang out with family and be grateful and generous in the middle of this!?! 

That’s a tall/impossible ask when we’re in a trauma/stress response and our bodies are super dysregulated and don’t feel safe or connected. Fight/flight/freeze/fawn don’t include gratitude or generosity much less holiday party small talk. They’re for survival. They’re for surviving an avalanche or attack from a bear. You don’t sit down for turkey or think of gifts for loved ones or enjoy your ugly Christmas sweater party when you’re braced for disaster and just trying to live. But if we’re not tending to our nervous system and regulating it out of a trauma/stress response, this is basically what our bodies think we’re trying to do. No wonder life can feel overwhelming! 

But it doesn’t have to be like that. If you’re reading this, you’re probably under stress but not in an imminently dangerous situation that would require flight/flight/freeze/fawn. Regardless of your fears or feelings or projections or memories, you’re probably physically safe. If that’s true, a trauma response is not necessary or appropriate for the moment. We just need to catch your body and nervous system up to this fact. 

Here’s a gift from me to you. A simple exercise to find safety in the moment and in yourself so you can be with people in a connected and in the moment in a way that feels not only tolerable but maybe even…gasp…enjoyable. 

Tips to be in the Moment 

1. Find a quiet and comfy place to sit. If possible let yourself relax into the chair or bed or floor and let yourself feel held. Bonus points if you can let your head rest and feel held. 

2. Take a breath and look around the room you’re in. Don’t just move your eyes, move your body. Find the exits. Notice and lable to yourself that in this moment and in this space you are safe. 

3. Take a breath and let the awareness of the safety impact you and your body. Where can you feel it or where can you let yourself feel it in your body? Maybe you breathe deeper and let out a sigh, maybe you loosen your jaw, maybe you yawn, maybe your shoulders drop or close your eyes or wiggle your toes. Let yourself feel the safety of the moment. 

4. You might notice gratitude or tears or a desire to move. Play around with what comes immediately after you notice safety and do what feels nice. 

5. Rinse and repeat. Keep staying anchored in the safety of the room and let it impact you. If you find places in your body that won’t settle or get more tense or numb, notice that and then return your focus to a place in your body that can feel safe. 

This is one practice. It doesn’t solve everything. But being able to find some regulation gives your body a little rest and also opens up more options to navigate life outside of fight/flight/freeze/fawn. If you need help beyond this practice, please reach out or book an appointment.

Holiday Survival Tips: How to Manage Family Conflict

If you’re like most people, you like to spend time with your family around the holidays even though some of them drive you a little crazy. Here are some tips for handling conflictual situations you might find yourself in when spending time with family. 

Control Your Flooding

We experience flooding when we have a surge of adrenaline and emotions that impacts us physically and mentally. We either freeze in fear or launch into a fight. Instead of either of those, the goal is to recognize we’re feeling flooded and calm ourselves. You can try deep breathing, walking, getting some space, going outside, or actively trying to relax your muscles. 

Set Your Boundaries During the Holidays

This means only taking care of your side of the street and asking other adults around you to do the same. Setting a boundary can help you keep your integrity even while others around you may be asking you to compromise it. This may look like you declining to talk about something you know will lead to conflict, walking away from a tense situation, or restating what you are willing and not willing to do. 

Negotiate with Your Family Member

Maybe there is a way you can compromise so you both get what you need. If someone in your family wants to chat but it’s not a conversation you want to have, try changing the subject or asking if you can talk when it’s a better time. If someone criticizes how you are doing something around the house, ask if they’d like to help you do it. You might be surprised by the compromises your family members are willing to make.

If you remember to not let your emotions get the best of your when you’re flooded, avoid falling into old family patters by setting your own boundaries, and negotiate something you’re willing to execute with your family member, you can enjoy more of the time you spend with your family this holiday. 

If you find yourself needing more help this holiday season, please reach out so we can help you through this.

Holiday Travel Podcast List

While you're traveling this holiday season, check these out

The holidays bring lots of love, gifts, family, and travel. It also brings some opportunities to listen to podcasts. There are lots of long rides in the car or time sitting on a plane (or hiding in your room because you just can't anymore). Why not take those opportunities to learn something about yourself and relationships and how to kick ass at dealing with both yourself and your relationships. Here are a couple suggestions, my holiday gift to you!

1. We Can Do Hard Things - Glennon Doyle and Abby Wambach and guests discuss boundaries, living authentictically, and embracing life on life's terms. They often have guests which range from celebrities to athletes to sex therapists and more.

2. Foreplay Radio - A sex therapist and couples counselor take deep dives into all things sex and relationships with an EFT (emotionally focused therapy) lens. They do a great job of exploring and validating how each partner may be feeling about and reacting to relationship issues like porn, grief, and conflict. They are helpful in role-playing deeply connected and hones conversations which can help to model communication skills for you and your partner. You could listen alone or listen together and let the conversations be a jumping off point for conversations with your loved one.

Obviously these arent a substitute for therapy, but they are a great supplement to the work you're already putting in to yourself and your relationships.

Enjoy!