Anatomy of an Argument: Step 3 - Find the Understandable Part

In our series about the anatomy of an argument, we have discussed focusing on your own reactions and avoiding a judgmental attitude. Here is step three:

Finding the understandable part of your partner’s argument can be difficult, especially when you are entrenched in your position.  ‘Find the understandable part’ does not mean agreeing with their view or accepting it as the right one.  It simply means that each of you have legitimate reason for your beliefs.  

Here’s a little example.  My husband and I were having a discussion over a new car I was about to lease.  I can’t even remember the whole fight, and it was a doozy, but the part that I will never forget it this:  at the end of the argument he revealed that he had felt shamed over a certain action I had taken.  The action was telling his mom something I had promised not to but I thought it was so insignificant that I totally forgot, it was an accident.  The argument ended as soon as I understood what had happened for him.  

Don’t let yourself dig your heels in so deep that you refuse to acknowledge the other’s experience.  This will get you nowhere.  You need to find reasons for their actions and beliefs and they need to do the same for you.  This is a 50/50 deal on both sides.  

Consider these scenarios:

• A terrible day at work, so she comes home already upset

• Not all pertinent information was given so details are left out

• One person thinks a word has one meaning and the other thinks something completely different

• His mind went to the worst case scenario inventing things you never meant or said

• The issue is likely to be more important to one of you - sometimes it’s nice to give in if you don’t      care that much

• Our priorities often differ, so try to keep in mind what is important to one won’t be so important to the other

• Perhaps one of you had felt belittled or dismissed recently

Next time an argument with your partner arises, do your very best to find the understandable part.  Get out of your own way and really look at their point of view and ask yourself if they are truly wrong.  If you loosen up on these issues, your partner is likely to do the same!  Feel free to respond with situations of your own and what you did to work through them with Step 3 in mind!

Please call and make an appointment for couples counseling or couples counseling for one. We look forward to teaching you how to fight fair!

Interview with an Artist: Debbie Scheer

Living your best life takes many forms and requires many skills. One of the top ten skills is creativity. Creativity and mental health and their influence on each other is interesting to me personally and professionally. Sometimes the greatest art is born of pain and suffering. Sometimes pain and suffering rob us of creativity.  Because it's interesting to me, because I hope I can spark some thought and creativity in my clients and readers, and because I selfishly like picking the brains of creative people, I decided to do a series of interviews about creativity and mental health. This interview is with Denver funny lady, and my friend, Debbie Scheer. Hope you enjoy her wit and wisdom as much as I do!

1. You're an artist. What kind of art do you do? 

I am a comedian, emcee, professional speaker and auctioneer. Also, a single mom of two boys and if that isn’t a constant creative art form, then I don’t know what is. 

2. It's not uncommon for creative types to struggle with mental health issues. What do you see as the interplay between mental health and creativity? 

 For me, creativity is the key that unlocks the shackles of my anxiety. When I’m ‘in it’ I travel down the rabbit hole of anxiety pretty damn fast and sadly I stay there longer than relatives staying at your house over the holidays, it’s so very difficult for me to break free. In the past I would hop onto social media thinking I was just chilling out and buying time for the anxiety to pass but I realized that social media is a dangerous place for me when I’m in ‘it’. I would spiral out of control because my energy was focused on, LOOK HOW MUCH FUN EVERYONE IS HAVING WITHOUT ME, IT’S OBVIOUS NOBODY LIKES ME OR WANTS ME TO BE AROUND…instead of being focused on, what do I need to do in this very moment to release these damaging thoughts. Once I realized that this was causing more harm than good I decided to forcemyself to sit down and write or turn on the recorder on my phone and just start recording comedy or ideas for a new show. When I say I forced myself I mean I really had to FORCE myself to do it. It wasn’t easy, or natural or fluid and it certainly wasn’t fun, most likely due to the fact that it was forcing my brain to work like hell to get out of my anxious depressive state of being. But it worked and I found that if I set a timer for even just five minutes and forced myself to read, write, or speak, I legit started to feel better. So, for me showing up in a creative manner allows me to manage my mental health challenges. 

3. You can't possibly feel creative all the time. What do you do to foster creativity and practice your craft even when you're not feeling it? Any tricks you've picked up to help you get out of your own way? 

I get in my own way more than anybody else ever could. I feel tremendous guilt and shame when I am not practicing my craft, and I don’t practice it nearly as much as I should. The feelings of shame were in no way helpful as it didn’t push me to get off my ass and start writing but instead I would become paralyzed by those feelings and as a result do NOTHING! Well that’s not entirely true. I would sit on the couch and watch reruns of The Office or Arrested Development for hours and hours and hours and each passing moment caused me to feel more shame which caused me to feel more guilt which didn’t motivate me but instead caused me to feel worse. So now I try to allow myself the space and freedom and acceptance that it is not just ok, but necessary to take some time to do nothing. I still watch The Office but now I limit myself and then commit to either moving my body in order to get out of my own head or sit down and write or record. 

4. If you could suggest one thing for my readers to do to help them live their best life, what would that be? 

I feel like I’m living my best life if I can find my car after exiting a grocery store, parking garage or massive mall. I was at Park Meadows mall many months ago and used a semi trailer as a marker of where I parked my car. Well when I exited the mall the trailer was no longer there and I was completely and totally lost. It took a good 90 minutes of me crying and swearing and considering just abandoning the car and calling a Lyft to get home, before I found it. So, finding your car when you leave an establishment is a great place to start living your best life. On a more serious note, I think the key is to be 100% true to who you are and that means all of it. The beautiful parts and pieces as well as the shards of glass that can injure not only yourself but others. For me bringing my stories to the stage using heart and humor leaves me feeling like I am truly doing what I was meant to be doing and when I am in that space I do feel like I am living my best self. 

Based in Denver, Colorado, Debbie Scheer is a professional speaker, humorist, emcee and auctioneer whose mix of heart and humor brings an inviting energy to every event she is involved with. Debbie’s magnetic presence draws in audiences and makes a room come alive with purpose, connection, and laughter. Debbie believes in creating safe spaces where comedy and education join forces so that shame heads out the door and learning and laughter are all that remain. Much of Debbie’s work is in support of causes that are close to her heart so you will often find her speaking about adoption, GLBTQ issues, mental health, sexuality, parenting, and resiliency. When Debbie Scheer Speaks, clients feel reassured knowing they have an expert and advocate on their side.

www.debbiescheer.com

facebook: @debbiescheerspeaks

Instagram: debbiescheerspeaks

Email: debbiescheerspeaks@gmail.com

Back to School Basics: Praise your Partner

People respond to praise. People thrive on appreciation and attention. We know this. We practice it freely with pets and kids. We lavish praise when we're smitten with a new love interest. And although we know that it works and makes others feel good,  we often neglect this behavior when in a long term relationship

"If I praise them all the time, it won’t mean much"

"I shouldn't have to praise them, they should just do it because it needs to be done"

"I shouldn't have to praise them, they know I love them."

"I shouldn’t ask for praise, I should be an adult with no needs"

On a behavioral level, praise reinforces behaviors. Want your partner to take out the trash? Ask and then say "thank you". Bonus points for expanding on a "thank you" with feedback on what the behavior shows you about the person's character, how it helps you, or how it makes you happy (thank you. That was so thoughtful of you/ it saved me some time so I could get other things done/ it makes me feel special").

On an attachment level, praise demonstrates appreciation and respect and reassures the other person that they matter. Attachment takes work and maintenance and consistent praise and gratitude helps build that bond and create a sense of safety and connection. This is vital for the health of the relationship. And all it takes is a moment.

You're welcome!

Advice From Mark Twain

“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that. But the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.” - Mark Twain

You know these “small people”, they are competitive, jealous and live in a world of scarcity.  They are combative and often think they are the best, they know more or that their ideas or the only way.  Do you have somebody like this in your life or maybe several?  If they are friends, let them go.  If they are family, learn to set up some hardcore boundaries.  

Surround yourself with people who have your back, people who cheer you on and those who will give you a little tough love when you need it.  Drop the ones who fail you.  It’s like a load off your back.

If you happen to be in a romantic relationship like this, we can help you.  It might just be that your partner isn’t realizing the amount of damage being done.  I have worked with many couples where this is the case.  They think they are encouraging you to be a better person when you are happy just the way you are.  You partner needs to realize that they in fact are not lifting you up, they are stifling you and feeding your insecurities.  Let us help you deliver the message in a very clear way that your partner can hear and not take offense. Reach out to us today and start rebuilding your relationship.

Stop Shoulding All Over Yourself!

In a previous post I discussed unhelpful thinking styles.  Unhelpful thinking styles are common thinking ‘errors’ that we all utilize at some point or other.  They can become patterns we don’t even realize we are using them!  As with many things in life, as we get older we can get stuck in patterns and not know how to get out of them.  Unhelpful thinking styles are one such pattern.  One very common Unhelpful thinking style that I see a lot with people, but especially women in their late twenties to mid-thirties is “Shoulding” and “Musting”.  

As the name indicates, this occurs when we tell ourselves that we should do something or we must do something.  It may seem as though Shoulding and Musting would be helpful.  For instance, someone with a drinking problem tells themselves ‘I must not drink and drive home tonight’.  However, I see it more commonly in the everyday lives of women whose life does not match up to the expectations she set for herself.  

For example, perhaps she thought that she would be married by 27 or have the been promoted to high level position in her company by 30.  When these life goals don’t occur in the arbitrary time frame that she set for herself, there can be a lot of self doubt and judgment that comes with that.  If she is still single at 28, then she thinks there is something wrong with her and she will tell herself that she ‘should’ or  ‘must’ change who she is to get what she wants.  

If the promotion doesn’t come, then she tells herself that she ‘should have worked harder’ and ‘must stay later at the office’.  In reality, there are a million factors that affect the course of our lives and self blame and doubt won’t make any difference except to make us feel worse about ourselves.  

When we’re young, we think we know how life will pan out.  We look around ourselves and think “I’ll definitely be married by the ripe old age of 26!” despite having no idea what course our lives will take or allowing for our goals and desires to change.  When things don’t go according to plan, or life isn’t what you thought it might be by now, of course a healthy dose of self reflection can be useful.  

However, when we get the pattern of constantly telling ourselves that we should or must do things all the times, that is no longer helpful thinking.  As my high school math teacher used to say to me: Stop shoulding all over yourself!

Kate

I Go a Bit Crazy When...

...My husband says anything like “I need you to…”  “I want you to…”, pretty much if it doesn’t sound like a request I get irritated.

I think Chad (husband) and I had about a one hour conversation yesterday around the whole subject of making a request vs. making a demand. He honestly can get a little flustered / totally overwhelmed by me and I know this so I try to temper myself. It doesn’t always work, but I try. Yesterday, we had a talk and I literally gave him the words to use with me so that he can get his way. I also told him if he doesn’t know how to approach me, to just say that and I can help out.

Sound stupid? Maybe, but it works. I just expect him to know then I am really asking him to be psychic which will never happen in a million years. So if you are expecting your partner to just KNOW because you have been together for decades, well dream on my friend. You might have to have the same conversation over and over. Lord knows we have. In fact, yesterday I told him I was going to have a laminated cue card made for him. I was joking but I’m also seriously considered it. I think I will do it and wrap a nice bow around it. His brain works differently than mine so I do need to tread lightly. He wouldn’t care if I said to him “I need you to…” or “I want you to…”, but I care.

It is in your best interest to figure out how to let your partner know how to communicate with you so that you get almost everything you want. In yesterday’s conversation, I gave him the roadmap to use so that he can get what he wants. Do yourself and your relationship a favor, tell your significant other how you need to be approached when they want something. It’s a million times better than guessing and ending up in an argument. Now, off to do some laminating!  

Adventures in Neurofeedback: A case study

I recently started working individually with a client who is dealing with anxiety and depression and has a significant trauma history. She has PTSD symptoms that include flashbacks, dissociation, and hypervigilance. This makes finding coping skills for the anxiety and depression tricky. Every time she tries to calm down with traditional skills like taking a bath or reading, her trauma gets triggered since she has associated being calm with being in danger through repeated instances of trauma.

We started doing neurofeedback to help calm her nervous system in a non traditional way. By noticing prevalent brainwave patterns, we could also think of ways to even them out that would help calm and distract her but not trigger trauma. Knowing what her brain needed, rather than what just sounds soothing, helped us develop a more effective tool box. After a few sessions and consistent skill practice between session, this client reported "feeling empowered for the first time." We still have a ways to go, but neurofeedback therapy will likely be a game changer for this client.

If you or someone you know is a good candidate for neurofeedback therapy, please reach out to me. I would love to see if I can help make strides in their therapy progress.

Adoption Isn't for Everyone, and That's OK!

One of best friends had a baby this week.  She’s beautiful and healthy and the whole family is overjoyed!  For the sake of anonymity, we’ll call them Jason and Julie.  I introduced Jason and Julie about ten years ago. To this day, they are my only successful set up, but, hey, I’ll take it!  They fell in love and got married on a beautiful beach.  They suit each other so well, they are a wonderful couple.  Jason was a little older and so they decided to try to have kids right away, but it didn’t work. Julie didn’t get pregnant, so they started the doctors visits to figure out what was going on.  I won’t get into the all the details, but if you know anyone who has dealt with infertility then you know the story.  So many visits to the doctor, so many procedures, and so much money.  They did eventually go down the IVF route.  After one miscarriage about a year ago, they were on to their last viable embryo.  And has the gods would have it, this one worked! She got pregnant, carried to term and just delivered an amazing little girl.

This whole process took place over the course of about six years.  And while they have a happy ending, their journey was not an easy one.  Over the course of those six years, I’ve had countless conversations with one or both of them about the process, journey etc.  I’ve been thinking back to a conversation we had about a year or two into this process.  Someone in the group asked Julie, “what about adopting?”, and her response threw me for a huge loop.  She instantly said “no way, I could never adopt.  I know that I would never love that child as much as I would love my own kid.”  I was, to be completely forthright, horrified.  I couldn’t believe that she said it and more so, I couldn’t believe that she felt that way.  My husband and I hadn’t started our own adoption process yet, so I didn’t feel personally attacked or insulted, I was just so completely floored at her response.  It bothered me for a really long time.  

A few weeks later, I was with another friend who had been present for that conversation.  I told her how upset it made me and how I just couldn’t believe that she could say something like that.  My friend said to me “Thank God she knows how she feels about it.”  “What do you mean?” I asked her back.  She told me that she was thankful that Julie knew how she felt about the situation.  She told me that many people may feel that way but don’t have the courage to say so out loud.  She helped me see that knowing how you feel about your own journey into parenthood is so important.  She asked me to imagine what it would be like if Jason and Julie had adopted a child, only then to figure out that she couldn’t love that child as much as she could her own.  What if that child only represented what Julie perceived as a failure to create her biological children?  I was immediately struck by how selfish and closed minded I had been to Julie and Jason.  I saw adoption as an amazing opportunity, they saw it as a sign of failure.  Neither of us is right or wrong.  Furthermore, Julie’s ability to be honest with herself about her feelings was so important to be sure that they did not take on a life that they could not commit to loving 110%.

This story has stayed with me and reminded me to honor everyone’s journey, whether they choose to have children or not! The best thing we can do is be honest about what we really want and have the courage to make that choice. If you are struggling with adoption, infertility or anything else having to do with being a parent and want to talk to someone who is going through it, please reach out to me. I would love to help you get through the emotions that come with parenthood.