Out of the Darkness Community Walk

Join me at “Out of the Darkness” Community Walk in Denver September 24, 2016

At Colorado Couples and Family Therapy, we often give calls to action, ways to take a concept and apply it to improve your life. Well here’s a different call to action, a way to improve someone else’s life.

On September 24th, you can join me and many others in walking with the “Out of the Darkness” community walk to remember those we have lost and bring awareness to mental health issues so we may help those struggling with suicide.

EVENT DETAILS

Walk Date: 9/24/16

Walk Time: 10am-12pm

Walk Location: Coors Field (1663 Park Avenue West, Denver)

To get more info and register: afsp.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.eventID=3920

From www.TWLOHA.com:

Suicide, or intentionally taking one’s life, is complex; it involves psychological, social, biological, cultural, and environmental factors. People who are suicidal may talk a lot about death, with/draw from friends, give away prized possessions, become more reckless and impulsive, /or express hopelessness. (2) Suicide is preventable; talking about it does not cause someone to become suicidal, but rather, could actually save their life. 1

Some statistics:

•    Globally, there is one suicide about every 40 seconds. 2

•    In the U.S., there is a suicide every 13.7 minutes. 3

•    Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death for Americans. 1

•    Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death for Americans age 15-24. 4

•    Males die by suicide four times as often as females, but there are three female attempts for every male attempt. 1

1.    AAS Facts about Suicide and Depression

2.    WHO Suicide Prevention Fact Sheet

3.    AAS 2010 Suicide Final Data

4.    CDC Suicide Fact Sheet*

Clean Eating or Orthorexia?

Food can be complicated these days.

We are bombarded by messages about what's healthy and that can change on the daily. First, fat's bad...no wait, carbs are bad, fat is great, don't eat carbs just bacon and butter...all day...oh, but not coconut oil, it's the devil! Ok...maybe they don't say all that, but they might as well, at least then we'd know how whack those headlines are! So what are you supposed to eat to be healthy these days?

In the midst of all the noise, a lot of people have adopted "clean eating." Great. Reduce chemicals and highly processed food. That makes sense. And it does, but with all good things, balance is still needed and people can take it too far.  And that's where orthorexia can sneak in.

The National Eating Disorder Association states that someone who has "an “unhealthy obsession” with otherwise healthy eating may be suffering from “orthorexia nervosa,” a term which literally means “fixation on righteous eating.” Orthorexia starts out as an innocent attempt to eat more healthfully, but orthorexics become fixated on food quality and purity." (https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/orthorexia-nervosa)

So how do you know you're dealing with orthorexia?

1. Your gut nags at you sometimes when you're quiet and dialed in and whispers that something is off. Maybe even now you're fighting that voice or wanting to click to the next blog.

2. Clean eating has taken priority over other values and goals and commitments. Maybe you don't go out with friends as much. Maybe you lie or make excuses to avoid situations where it's not organic or clean food. Maybe you're more focused on the food than the fun or connection in life.

3. You're dealing with anxiety. Managing food or making sure you only take in clean foods makes you anxious. Or you have extreme anxiety or guilt over eating something non organic.

4. Food takes on value and dictates your value. Food gets judged as "good" or "bad". And since you are what you eat, you label yourself "good" or "bad" based on what you eat. Maybe you've become judgy of others who don't eat like you. Maybe you punish yourself by being mean or super restrictive if you stray from your rigid rules.

Being healthy means being mentally healthy too. If the way you're managing your physical health is impacting your mental health, we can help. Contact me today. You're worth it!

Adventures in Neurofeedback: A case study

A client was referred for individual therapy for substance abuse, an eating disorder, and trauma. We started to work together after she had completed a stay in residential treatment. She is brilliant, funny as hell, and suffers greatly. We had been working for several months with traditional talk therapy using DBT, ACT, and Attachment Theory to promote change and insight and healing. She was making progress, but progress was slow, and trauma and emotional dysregulation kept popping up and making this client feel hopelessness and shame. 

So, I suggested we trial neurofeedback. We did two sessions per week. I used protocols to enhance SMR frequencies which help with creating a calm and focused energy and help with regulating sleep and mood. We also used Alpha Theta Training to address trauma in a gentle way. 

After a few sessions, she was more regulated and able to articulate thoughts and feelings in session. She was able to do tasks that previously felt overwhelming, like making phone calls, running errands, and walking her dog. This has built momentum as she's gained confidence and she now has found her voice with her partner and with work. She has made friends. She has described herself as happy. 

Another interesting result is that she felt pain in her neck and back that she had previously been numb to. Noticing the pain helped her take better care of herself and not get more injured. 

Trauma is now more easily addressed as she is more grounded and confident in her day to day life and as she is more able to articulate her experience rather than freezing or avoiding. 

The journey is not over, but she has made progress in the span of a few months that would have taken a few years with talk therapy alone. 

If you think neurofeedback may help you, feel free to call us or email. 

When Your Child is Upset Over Something Stupid

They got an A- instead of an A+.  A video game isn’t working right.  They had to serve detention because they got in trouble at school.  A toy was left out in the rain and now it’s ruined.  It’s pajama day at school and they forgot.  You were 10 minutes late to school pick up because of an accident on the freeway.  And the list goes on and on and on…

First Rule - DO NOT TRY TO CONVINCE YOUR CHILD WHY THEY SHOULDN’T BE UPSET.

When you are upset, as a grown up, if somebody tries to convince you that you shouldn’t be, does it work??  NO.  It’s like telling you why you are wrong, it’s completely invalidating.  Yuck!  

Second Rule - JOIN

In other words, sympathize.  You don’t have to agree, simply connect with the emotional state your child is in at that moment in time.  If they are crying, they will not ever just jump out of it and say “Wow, Mom!  Thanks!  You are so right.  Getting upset about not reaching my goal of getting all A’s was stupid.  I am so glad you straightened that out.”  

Third Rule - LET THEM CALM DOWN IN THEIR OWN TIME

“Get over it” is about the worst thing to say to anybody in a sensitive or upsetting situation.  “Get over it” is your inability to deal with the discomfort you feel. Nobody and I mean nobody “gets over it”, they get THROUGH it.  There is a huge difference there.  “Over it” means I ignore it and drag it behind me until it bubbles up to the surface again. “Through it” means I dealt with all the icky feelings and can cut the cord that binds me.  Some people are over it in 20 minutes, some take hours.  Much of that is skill based, and your child is probably not too skilled at relinquishing anger.  So give them time and space.

Fourth Rule - HAVE WAYS TO EXPRESS ANGER

This does not mean they get to be disrespectful or destructive to you or anybody else.  Wanna scream into a pillow and punch it?  Fine.  Wanna destroy something previously deemed destroyable?  Great!  (keep phone books and egg cartons around that you don’t mind if they take a beating)  Wanna slam the door to your bedroom and punch a hole in the wall? Definitely NOT OK.  Set up boundaries around what is OK and what is not and consequences for when the rules are broken.  

It is so important for you child to know you are a safe place for them to express their emotions.  “Hey honey, I am not sure I totally understand why you are so upset, but I sure know how awful it feels to be sad / angry / hurt / frustrated.”   Be your child’s safe place.

Freedom

In honor of the 4th of July, and because I love quotes, here are some wise words by wise people on the topic of Freedom. 

"Today I choose life. Every morning when I wake up I can choose joy, happiness, negativity, pain... To feel the freedom that comes from being able to continue to make mistakes and choices - today I choose to feel life, not to deny my humanity but embrace it." - Kevyn Aucoin

"Instead of trying to make your life perfect, give yourself the freedom to make it an adventure, and go ever upward." - Drew Houston

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." - Viktor E. Frankl

"For to be free is not merely to cast off one's chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others." - Nelson Mandela

"The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off." - Joe Klaas

"The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can't be any large-scale revolution until there's a personal revolution, on an individual level. It's got to happen inside first." - Jim Morrison

"You wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down." - Toni Morrison, Song of Solomon

ARE WE FIXABLE or ARE WE F#%&ED???? – 4 things to remember!

In couples counseling, I hear these phrase frequently.

“Can you fix us?”

“Have you seen worse than us?”

“How F#%&ED are we?!?”

Here are 4 things to remember!

• Nothing is broken.  Ok, yes you have lost trust, you have been unreasonable, etc…  But nobody is broken.  You have reached a new level in your relationship and we need to adjust the sails. This is about compromise, being honest with yourself and your partner, and making your wants and needs overt.  Expecting your partner to be psychic and figure out your needs isn’t going to happen.

• Do you want to improve things or do you want to stay in power in your relationship? Often, when one partner has been in control and then they relinquish that stance by trying to be more compassionate/understanding/friendly, the other flies in for the coup.  We think this is a great position to occupy, but really it’s the opposite.  When you decide to take over as Captain instead of Teammate, you are making a decision to stay in turmoil.  I totally understand when you have felt so beneath somebody for so long why you would take on the power position, however, the truth is that it just doesn’t serve you.

• You are only as F#%&ED as you think and act. Couples in my practice who jump in with both feet, who do the work and follow the path set in front of them make huge strides.  Remember that it took you a long time to get to where you are, you need time to back out of that space and make room for a new and improved relationship.  You need very specific tools to rebuild what has been shaken.

• Are you committed to doing YOUR part to change the way YOU react and engage? If you are able to focus on how you react and engage, you will be far more successful in your relationship compared to others who wait for their partners to change.  You know the saying “be the change you want to see in the world”?  The same holds true in your relationship.

If any of this rings a bell and you would like to make changes or improvements in your relationship, please get in touch.  Rebuilding your relationship – believe it or not – doesn’t have to be a nightmare.  I make a point of bringing levity into sessions, you don’t have to cry your way into happiness. Call today to set up a couples counseling appointment in Denver!

#Boundaries

If you're like me, you didn’t learn how to set appropriate boundaries as a kid. I knew that standing up for myself at home rarely went well, so honing my assertiveness skills wasn’t even on my radar. It wasn’t necessary. It was more necessary to wear a mask, people-please, bury my needs, and literally and figuratively "walk it off". So, when I started to work on setting boundaries in my life as an adult, I fumbled around a bit. 

I was helped by learning and practicing a DBT skill for interpersonal effectiveness called the FAST skill. It’s an acronym that stands for:

Fair: set boundaries that are fair. For us recovering people pleasers, it’s important to remember to set boundaries that are fair for ourselves. Of course, there is compromise, but its ok to take up space. If we aren't fair to ourselves and take care of ourselves and stand up for ourselves, we get resentful...and that's not a good look on anybody!

(No) Apologies: Don't apologize for your needs and feelings and boundaries. First, it’s not necessary. Second, it diminishes your effectiveness in setting a boundary because it sounds less confident. Third, it reinforces core shame and low self-worth when you constantly apologize for yourself. 

Stick to values: Don't use boundaries to avoid or manipulate. Don't people please to the point that you lose your values and sense of self. Let your values guide your boundary setting. 

Tell the truth: when setting boundaries, don't lie to protect someone's feelings or to avoid being direct (i.e. Don't say "I can’t go to your party because I'm sick" when the truth is that you just don't want to go or you double-booked yourself). Don't exaggerate the truth to justify a boundary or need. Don't minimize needs or feelings to avoid speaking up for yourself. 

This stuff is tricky. Give it a try. You won’t be perfect at first, but you're worth practicing. If you need more help setting boundaries, you can practice the FAST skill by getting in touch with us!   

Pre-Engagement Counseling

I know this seems counterintuitive, yet it is true.  The majority of couples come to counseling when? When there is a pretty major rift already in place and both parties have dug their heels in deep. I help couples in distress on a daily basis. They get new communications tools to put into practice and begin to climb out of the hole they have fallen into.

This month, I have several new couples seeking pre-engagement counseling. All the couples are in a good place and want to know how they can stay that way for the long haul. Several come from divorced families and they want to avoid that outcome at all costs.  

So what are we doing in therapy if they are in a good spot? With a little digging we uncover a lot.  Couples are typically very good at ignoring or putting up with bad habits in the beginning, but as time goes on, the habits become pain points for both partners. For example, one of the partners is not good at speaking up for herself. He on the other hand tends to make plans which are great but isn’t great at asking for her opinion. This will be fine and dandy until a few years down the road when her resentment is peaking because she kept quiet and he has no clue about the distaste simmering just beneath the surface. The resentment will show itself in other ways that most likely won’t make sense to him. She might finally explode and he will be baffled because he thought he was doing a great job planning fun trips.  

Guess who is the culprit in this ordeal? Both of them. He never asked or inquired about her perspective and she never voiced her unhappiness. Get curious, check in with each other, do not hold your feelings in and stand up for yourself.  

In pre-engagement counseling we unearth the stuff you don’t realize is a potential disaster down the road. We also discuss how to have a productive argument, what triggers certain personality types and how to avoid this, how to take total responsibility for yourself and how to keep your personal power.

Don’t become one of the statistics and go through a painful breakup or divorce. Let us help you get all the tools and relationship advice before you think you even need it. Check out our pre-marital couples counseling or couples counseling and make an appointment today!