Podcast of the Week: Hello Freedom

Let's get this clear. I'm great and have a lot to offer (including my humility..haha). Part of what I can offer my clients and blog readers is my knowledge of resources. It would be selfish and harmful to have clients only rely on therapy sessions with me once or twice a week to get information and insight to work on themselves. Working on yourself is a lifetime of work and a daily process. More is more in terms of advice, differing perspectives, and knowledge. Sharing resources helps clients meet their therapy goals quicker and can help us dig deeper in session. In that spirit, I'm recommending podcasts.

Last month, I recommended Esther Perel's "Where Should we Begin". Where it is story and insight based. Terri Cole's "Hello Freedom" is more of a lecture with practical tools.  She is heavily focused on relationships, boundary setting, and healing childhood wounds through present day behavior change. She is direct and no nonsense. It can be challenging and dense information, which makes it nice that it comes in 15-30 min episodes. While men may benefit, she definitely targets women as her audience. If you have struggled with boundaries, had relationships with people who are narcissists or addicts, or just need a kick in the butt to stand up for yourself, say hello to "Hello Freedom."

Adventures in Neurofeedback: A Case Study

A 19 year old female came for Neurofeedback at the request of her therapist. She had abused many different substances from alcohol, to pot, to heroin. She had a horrific trauma history and PTSD symptoms like flashbacks, nightmares, and panic attacks that left her unable to sleep and afraid of her own shadow. She had tried the usual medication and therapy route, but was stuck.

Within a week with three Neurofeedback sessions, she was sleeping through the night. It's amazing what sleep will do for mental health!! A week later she could do basic errands and had cut back on caffeine and nicotine. By being more regulated and stable, her strained relationships were improving too. Life wasn't perfect, but she was able to put the skills and insights she learned in therapy to work.

If you or someone you know might be a good candidate for Neurofeedback, I would love to talk to you. This type of treatment can be the key to helping those who think all hope is lost. Please contact me today for a consultation.

Erika

May Meditation Series: Focused attention

We all have monkey minds. Our minds chatter, swing from thought to thought, and, sometimes, even hurl shit at us.

To help tame the monkey mind, we can practice mindfulness to focus our attention.

One of my favorite ways to practice is four square breathing.

To do this:

1. Breathe in for four counts. Keep your focus on your in breath. Maybe notice the air passing through your nostrils or your abdomen expanding.

2. Pause. Hold your breath for four counts.

3. Breathe out for four counts. Again, notice the sensation of breath passing through your nostrils or your abdomen falling.

4. Pause for a count of four.

5. Repeat steps 1-4 four times.

Your mind may wander and monkey around. If it does, label it "thinking" and return to focusing on your breath.

Let your children punish themselves – no, really

When it comes to parenting, there is no right or wrong answer. Most people are just taking it one day at a time, and when something comes up that they don’t know how to handle they usually have people they can turn to for advice. Recently, a friend of mine posted on Facebook looking for advice on a parenting issue; here is her post (with her permission and names changed to protect the innocent):

Parenting moment: I've been a broken record over the years about putting the Nerf guns away and not leaving them out in the yard to be rained, snowed or peed on. And, it's gotten a little better, but a pair of guns has been in the yard all week. I'm trying to be patient, let them make mistakes, but hate to see expensive toys neglected. So, I picked them up and told Voldemort and will tell Malfoy this afternoon that they are going to goodwill today. Voldemort is in full on meltdown! Trying really hard not to back down. Should I let him buy them back with his Xmas money? Here's the gut-wrencher: he's not totally upset on his behalf. He's upset because it's the favorite gun of our neighbor who likes to come over and play with the boys. Hmmmmm....

My responses:

If they get ruined, you may take the position of not buying more for them. If they want more they are free to use their money to buy them. Take yourself out of the argument and hand the problem back to them.

(she asked for more on this)

The point is to make it their issue, not yours. You tell them of the consequences ahead of time and can then be a support system when they jack it all up! They will most likely be pissed at themselves. You give them two choices – leave them out to rot or take them inside. The choice is theirs and it is no longer your problem.

Before you hear the rest of my thoughts, I will tell you that there were a plethora of competing viewpoints and parenting styles.  None were wrong, just different than mine.

Here are my thoughts on the issue:

We need to let our kids mess up and EXPECT it to happen.  When you expect these things to happen it lessens the anger response.  You just think to yourself, “Oh, ok, that’s the screw up I was expecting and I don’t need to get all worked up.”  These are learning / teaching moments that you actually want to happen. Children must learn that shit happens and that there are natural consequences when shit happens, especially when it is their fault. Do not rob your children of the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and to figure it out on their own. Quit inserting yourself in their teaching moments. Get out of their way and be happy that you don’t have to get pissed off at the situation; this is what you expected to happen! As my friend wisely said, “they aren’t trying to be assholes.”  

You have enough on your shoulders already, let them handle their own mistakes.  Please don’t be the punishment that they can bring on themselves.  This isn’t true for all mistakes, obviously, but for these smaller infractions, let them be the cause of their sorrow and you be the love and support.  The end result will likely be the same - no more nerf guns. The difference is that instead of the punisher, you can be the safe place they come to for comfort while they learn their lesson.   

If you need help dealing with parenting issues, I would love to talk to you! Reach out today! 

May Meditation Series: Loving Kindness Meditation

This kind of meditation, also called Metta meditation, is about developing a sense of love, ease, and spaciousness. Not only do we take control of our mind but our heart and purposefully cultivate emotion.

This can be a wonderful practice to challenge self loathing or perfectionsim. It can be helpful for pushing past anger and hurt in relationships. It can even be helpful in traffic or while watching the news or facebook when emotions can run hot at times.

Below is a script from the contemplative mind website that outlines the practice.

"Breathing in and out from the heart center, begin by generating this kind feeling toward yourself. Feel any areas of mental blockage or numbness, self-judgment, self-hatred. Then drop beneath that to the place where we care for ourselves, where we want strength and health and safety for ourselves.

Continuing to breathe in and out, use either these traditional phrases or ones you choose yourself. Say or think them several times.

May I be free from inner and outer harm and danger. May I be safe and protected.

May I be free of mental suffering or distress.

May I be happy.

May I be free of physical pain and suffering.

May I be healthy and strong.

May I be able to live in this world happily, peacefully, joyfully, with ease.

Next, move to a person who most invites the feeling of pure unconditional loving kindness, the love that does not depend on getting anything back. The first person is usually someone we consider a mentor, a benefactor, an elder. It might be a parent, grandparent, teacher, someone toward whom it takes no effort to feel respect and reverence, someone who immediately elicits the feeling of care. Repeat the phrases for this person: “May she be safe and protected….”

After feeling strong unconditional love for the benefactor, move to a person you regard as a dear friend and repeat the phrases again, breathing in and out of your heart center.

Now move to a neutral person, someone for whom you feel neither strong like nor dislike. As you repeat the phrases, allow yourself to feel tenderness, loving care for their welfare.

Now move to someone you have difficulty with–hostile feelings, resentments. Repeat the phrases for this person. If you have difficulty doing this, you can say before the phrases, “To the best of my ability I wish that you be….” If you begin to feel ill will toward this person, return to the benefactor and let the loving kindness arise again. Then return to this person.

Let the phrases spread through your whole body, mind, and heart.

After the difficult person, radiate loving kindness out to all beings. Stay in touch with the ember of warm, tender loving-kindness at the center of your being, and begin to visualize or engender a felt sense of all living beings. The traditional phrases are these:

May all beings be safe, happy, healthy, live joyously…..

May all living beings be safe, happy, healthy, live joyously…..

May all breathing beings be safe, happy, healthy, live joyously…..

May all individuals be safe, happy, healthy, live joyously…..

May all beings in existence be safe, happy, healthy, live joyously….."

Type Two Fun

My friends and I are admittedly weird. We like to do distance running, running at high altitude, and training for marathons. What makes us  weird is that we call these types of activities "fun", but we like to use the term "Type Two Fun". For example: Running the Mount Evans Ascent is Type Two Fun. Getting up at 5am to do a long training run for a marathon is Type Two Fun. Climbing the Manitou Incline is Type Two Fun. You get the picture? Type Two fun is the kind of fun that's not fun in the moment. It’s the kind of fun that exists in nervous excitement and hard earned accomplishment. It’s the kind of fun that hurts so good.

Having this label that includes the word fun helps, at least for me. It anchors me in my sense of choice...signing up for type two fun activities is purely elective. It anchors me in meaning and values...I know I will be proud of myself for persevering. It anchors me in creating and holding space for pain...pain is part of the deal of this kind of fun and not something to be avoided or denied.

But I’ve started thinking "what if I generalized this concept?" What if I applied it to work or relationships? How much more tolerable would life be if I remember that I'm empowered to make choices, follow values, and embrace some pain in other areas of my life?

Calling something Type Two Fun doesn’t flatten a steep inclined trail or push my alarm back to 8am instead of 5am. It won't write that report, alleviate rush hour traffic, erase that misunderstanding with your partner, or make potty training your child easy. But it can create space and might be worth a try.

Focus on Your Focus

This picture was taken the other day in front of my house. You can’t see it, but two feet away there's a dumpster. Both were in my environment. I just chose to focus on the flowering tree. It got me thinking how our power and our happiness lies in our focus.

We can’t control our past, our friends and family, our thoughts, our moods, our biology....etc. Instead of focusing on what we can’t control, I find it helpful to focus on what we can control. And one thing we can control is our focus. So instead of being a victim or a slave to circumstances, we can find some control, some mastery, some relief in our focus.

So instead of focusing on traffic, you can focus on music. Instead of focusing on anger from the fight you had last night with your partner, you can focus on self care, empathy for your partner, and underlying desire to keep your partnership alive. Instead of focusing on counting calories,, you can focus on the company and conversations at the dinner table. Instead of focusing on your racing heart, you can focus on slowing and deepening your breathing during a panic attack. You get the picture.

This is a skill. It takes practice. It’s not magic, it’s mindfulness.

Adventures in Neurofeedback - A Case Study

A 25 year old female came in for neurofeedback training at request of her therapist. This client was dealing with anxiety, an eating disorder, and difficulty tolerating and expressing emotions. These symptoms were chronic, since she was a teenager, but exacerbated by grief over her best friend's suicide. She had been doing intensive individual and group therapy, but kept noticing internal walls and blockages that kept her feeling stuck and frustrated.

Enter neurofeedback.

After 5 sessions she was sleeping better and able to complete a shift at work with only one cup of coffee (instead of her previous 4-6 cups). A month into our 2x/week treatment, her therapist called and said she cried in session. Typically she would get squirmy, use humor, or dissociate, but instead she was able to stay in her emotions and connect. After about 10 sessions, she reported that she had eating disorder urges, but she was able to notice them, evaluate them and label them as urges, notice underlying emotions driving her behavior, and often, not act on the urges.

By helping her brain regulate itself through neurofeedback training, she was able to use the tools offered in therapy and make major changes in her life.

If you think you might benefit from neurofeedback, shoot us an email or give us a call.

Self-harming Adolescents

I recently attended a lecture in a nearby community.  The lecture was titled “Cutting and Self-Harm in Adolescents”, a topic that holds my attention for both its frequency and how misunderstood it is.  When I arrived, the lecturer began by discussing a recent cluster of teen suicides in their community.  That county has the highest rate of suicide in the country and it was having an effect on the community.  Each person who was in attendance has some stake in this matter and was deeply concerned about the teens in their community.  The topic never did shift back to cutting or self harm and I can fully understand why.  Teen suicide is a big problem in America these people were coming together in hopes of finding answers. 

I did come away with a twingy feeling of concern, however.  Why did a conference that was supposed to be about self-harm and cutting turn instead to teen suicide? And why did everyone in the room feel that it was a natural progression of topics? I questioned this because the vast majority of teens who self-harm are NOT suicidal. The behavior is driven from difference motivations completely.  I think it is very important for parents, teachers and law enforcement to understand this difference.  Many adults assume that if a teen is cutting, they are suicidal and react accordingly, but that it just not true.  Cutting is a tool that teens use to ease emotional or psychological pain.  They are not trying to kill themselves.  For many of these teens, their internal feelings are very painful and overwhelming.  They do not have a healthy way to cope with these feelings.  When they inflict physical harm on themselves, the physical pain overrides the emotional pain, and provides relief.

The most at-risk population for self harm is White, middle to upper class, suburban, high-achieving females.  They are generally seen as ‘good-girls’ and can be very adept at hiding their self harming behavior.  However, self harm does not happen to just this cohort.  2 million people in the US are self-injurers and they come from every race, religion, culture and age bracket.

A somewhat newer development in the world of self-harming adolescents is that is no longer taboo.  Self-harm, particularly cutting, has become cool.  Girls are now cutting simply because their friends are doing it.  In some circles, cutting is a right of passage and status symbol.

If you are self harming, or suspect your child is, reach out for help. I can certainly help you through this difficult time.