May Meditation Series: Loving Kindness Meditation

This kind of meditation, also called Metta meditation, is about developing a sense of love, ease, and spaciousness. Not only do we take control of our mind but our heart and purposefully cultivate emotion.

This can be a wonderful practice to challenge self loathing or perfectionsim. It can be helpful for pushing past anger and hurt in relationships. It can even be helpful in traffic or while watching the news or facebook when emotions can run hot at times.

Below is a script from the contemplative mind website that outlines the practice.

"Breathing in and out from the heart center, begin by generating this kind feeling toward yourself. Feel any areas of mental blockage or numbness, self-judgment, self-hatred. Then drop beneath that to the place where we care for ourselves, where we want strength and health and safety for ourselves.

Continuing to breathe in and out, use either these traditional phrases or ones you choose yourself. Say or think them several times.

May I be free from inner and outer harm and danger. May I be safe and protected.

May I be free of mental suffering or distress.

May I be happy.

May I be free of physical pain and suffering.

May I be healthy and strong.

May I be able to live in this world happily, peacefully, joyfully, with ease.

Next, move to a person who most invites the feeling of pure unconditional loving kindness, the love that does not depend on getting anything back. The first person is usually someone we consider a mentor, a benefactor, an elder. It might be a parent, grandparent, teacher, someone toward whom it takes no effort to feel respect and reverence, someone who immediately elicits the feeling of care. Repeat the phrases for this person: “May she be safe and protected….”

After feeling strong unconditional love for the benefactor, move to a person you regard as a dear friend and repeat the phrases again, breathing in and out of your heart center.

Now move to a neutral person, someone for whom you feel neither strong like nor dislike. As you repeat the phrases, allow yourself to feel tenderness, loving care for their welfare.

Now move to someone you have difficulty with–hostile feelings, resentments. Repeat the phrases for this person. If you have difficulty doing this, you can say before the phrases, “To the best of my ability I wish that you be….” If you begin to feel ill will toward this person, return to the benefactor and let the loving kindness arise again. Then return to this person.

Let the phrases spread through your whole body, mind, and heart.

After the difficult person, radiate loving kindness out to all beings. Stay in touch with the ember of warm, tender loving-kindness at the center of your being, and begin to visualize or engender a felt sense of all living beings. The traditional phrases are these:

May all beings be safe, happy, healthy, live joyously…..

May all living beings be safe, happy, healthy, live joyously…..

May all breathing beings be safe, happy, healthy, live joyously…..

May all individuals be safe, happy, healthy, live joyously…..

May all beings in existence be safe, happy, healthy, live joyously….."

Type Two Fun

My friends and I are admittedly weird. We like to do distance running, running at high altitude, and training for marathons. What makes us  weird is that we call these types of activities "fun", but we like to use the term "Type Two Fun". For example: Running the Mount Evans Ascent is Type Two Fun. Getting up at 5am to do a long training run for a marathon is Type Two Fun. Climbing the Manitou Incline is Type Two Fun. You get the picture? Type Two fun is the kind of fun that's not fun in the moment. It’s the kind of fun that exists in nervous excitement and hard earned accomplishment. It’s the kind of fun that hurts so good.

Having this label that includes the word fun helps, at least for me. It anchors me in my sense of choice...signing up for type two fun activities is purely elective. It anchors me in meaning and values...I know I will be proud of myself for persevering. It anchors me in creating and holding space for pain...pain is part of the deal of this kind of fun and not something to be avoided or denied.

But I’ve started thinking "what if I generalized this concept?" What if I applied it to work or relationships? How much more tolerable would life be if I remember that I'm empowered to make choices, follow values, and embrace some pain in other areas of my life?

Calling something Type Two Fun doesn’t flatten a steep inclined trail or push my alarm back to 8am instead of 5am. It won't write that report, alleviate rush hour traffic, erase that misunderstanding with your partner, or make potty training your child easy. But it can create space and might be worth a try.

Focus on Your Focus

This picture was taken the other day in front of my house. You can’t see it, but two feet away there's a dumpster. Both were in my environment. I just chose to focus on the flowering tree. It got me thinking how our power and our happiness lies in our focus.

We can’t control our past, our friends and family, our thoughts, our moods, our biology....etc. Instead of focusing on what we can’t control, I find it helpful to focus on what we can control. And one thing we can control is our focus. So instead of being a victim or a slave to circumstances, we can find some control, some mastery, some relief in our focus.

So instead of focusing on traffic, you can focus on music. Instead of focusing on anger from the fight you had last night with your partner, you can focus on self care, empathy for your partner, and underlying desire to keep your partnership alive. Instead of focusing on counting calories,, you can focus on the company and conversations at the dinner table. Instead of focusing on your racing heart, you can focus on slowing and deepening your breathing during a panic attack. You get the picture.

This is a skill. It takes practice. It’s not magic, it’s mindfulness.

Validation Strategies: Bonus - Validate yo' self!! Part Two

Validation isn't just for external relationships. If you want to take it to the next level with some upper division therapy shit, try the validation strategies on yourself. I'll be doing bonus blogs with each validation strategy to give pointers for how to validate yourself so you can heal and strengthen your relationship with you.

Strategy Two: Reflect back!

In the same way we can reflect back to others (see reflect back blog), we can use this skill intrapersonally to build a relationship with ourselves.

But, how!?!

Glad you asked! We reflect back by observing our experience and putting words on it. You can do this by journaling or by just labeling things in your head (yup...I'm advocating talking to yourself. You do it anyway, might as well do it intentionally and use your inner monologue to validate rather than tear you down!) Notice thoughts, emotions, behaviors, body sensations, action urges, ect. This observing and describing helps us be mindful, slow down, notice patterns, and gain insight.

Example: "So when he was late to dinner I took it personally and got mad." By making that statement you give yourself the opportunity to check the facts and question if it was actually personal, it can help you feel empathy in the situation, and it can help identify your triggers.

This is best done with an nonjudgmental stance and a sense of curiosity. It'd be rad to take that last example and add the phrase "isn’t that interesting" to the end. So it would be "when he was late to dinner, I took it personally and got mad. Isn’t that interesting." Your relationship with yourself will grow leaps and bounds by seeing yourself with spaciousness and grace and wonder.

Validation Strategies: Bonus - Validate Yo Self!!

Validation isn't just for external relationships. If you want to take it to the next level with some upper division therapy shit, try the validation strategies on yourself. I'll be doing bonus blogs with each validation strategy to give pointers for how to validate yourself so you can heal and strengthen your relationship with you.

Strategy one: show up!

Real talk: How often to you show up for yourself? How often do you really take the time to check in? If your gut tries to get a hold of you, do you take the call or let it go to a voicemail you rarely check? Do you make uninterrupted time to be with yourself or do you spend alone time frantically distracting?

If a friend did to you what you do to yourself, how would you feel? Maybe sad and alone. Maybe hurt. Maybe pissed. Maybe resentful. Maybe you just give up on sharing important details about your thoughts, feelings, needs, boundaries, and values.

So often we disconnect from ourselves then wonder why we feel disconnected from our lives and our relationships. How could I fully listen to another if I'm not willing to listen to myself? How can I assert a need or a boundary if I don't know what they are? How can I express my emotions to someone if I don't how I feel?

Your relationship with yourself is SO important! If you feel like it needs some help, try paying attention to you. Start with planning some alone time, free of distraction. Maybe take a walk in nature or journal or meditate. Create a time to check in and pay attention, even just once a week or few a few min a day. It may take a while to grow, heal, or rebuild your relationship with yourself. It may not always be easy. It may not always be convenient. But you're worth it!

Validation Strategies: Show Up!

In therapy, we look at ways to build relationships through effective communication. There are some basic ways to help people feel connected and, in psycho-babble terms, they're called "validation strategies". If any of your relationships feel strained or if you just want to enhance an already kick ass relationship, do more validating!!! In this little series im doing, I will go through the different strategies and of validation.

Strategy one: show up!

Duh. If you want to connect or make someone feel heard or seen you need to create a situation where that's possible. Making yourself available, setting up a time to talk, or answering a call or text or in person request is validating. It makes the person feel they are important. I can't tell you the number of times that I've talked to couples who feel hurt or invalidated because they never see their partner. Similarly, I've seen friendships get ruined or dissolved  because the friends never see each other.

But don't just be a warm body. Actually show up. Eliminate distraction. Turn off the TV....even if you're in the middle of binge watching your latest Netflix show,  there's this nifty thing they have called the "pause button" now and I would highly suggest using it. Put away the phone. Or if you're on the phone or texting, don't be watching TV and driving and painting your nails or whatever else you might be tempted to do. Focus on the conversation at hand. People notice. They care. I'm sure you like feeling attended to, so this is a great time to practice the "golden rule" and do that kindness to someone else.

Internal distractions should also be reduced. These might include, but not be limited to: making a grocery list, planning what to say next, judging the other person, daydreaming, physical pain or fatigue or hunger. Do your best to notice and eliminate as much as possible. In the case of pain or fatigue or hunger, I suggest saying something up front like "hey, just so you know I'm super tired, I'm doing the best I can, just don't want you to take it personally in case I yawn or something. I'm here. I'm listening."

Challenge: practice showing up today. Make an effort to fully arrive and listen. It will help your relationships and make you feel good about yourself. Now go get 'em tiger!

May Meditation Series: Diffuse awareness

This type of meditation is about noticing. Just noticing. Not controlling or fixing or changing or judging. Just noticing. You can practice with watching clouds, watching the rise and fall of your belly with breathing, watching animals or children play...the options are limitless. Simply observe. If you notice a thought, don't cling to that thought or push that thought away. Simply notice it and go back to noticing your surroundings.

This meditation is great for practicing non attachment and acceptance. It's good for getting us outside of ourselves, our egos, and our thoughts. Its also good for relaxation.

I suggest starting this practice daily. Start with doing a discrete 2-5 minute practice and go from there.

Validation Strategies: Reflect Back

In therapy, we look at ways to build relationships through effective communication. There are some basic ways to help people feel connected and, in psycho-babble terms, they're called "validation strategies". If any of your relationships feel strained or if you just want to enhance an already kick ass relationship, do more validating!!! In this little series I’m doing, I will go through the different strategies of validation.

Strategy Two: Reflect back

So, since you are a good student and have been practicing the first validation strategy in the validation strategy series, it’s time to add on. This next validation strategy is a way for you to stay engaged and check for understanding.

"Reflecting back" is simply echoing back what the person is saying, or stating what you observed, making sure that you are actively listening, comprehending, and tracking what’s being said. When you reflect back, you give validation to the other person, and proov that what they said is being heard and understood. In the end, isn’t that what we all want!?!  

Here’s a few admittedly lame examples: "When I was late to dinner you thought I did it on purpose and were mad. Did I get that right?" "So I’m hearing that you would really want me to take out the trash every other day." "Sounds like you are in a lot of pain still from that surgery."

Key point: No judgement, be open minded, truly seek to understand. Be aware of sarcasm, tone and body language (an eye roll or a sigh or mocking tone while reflecting back is a recipe for disaster!). The goal is to connect and promote more openness with the other person and a judgemental vibe will shut that down.

Alright you crazy kid, go out there and give it a try! You may not do it perfectly, but that's ok. Keep trying and watch your communication and connection improve!