Creating a bucket list with your partner is a great exercise to help you both realize that even though this may not be the “honeymoon phase” there is so much life to live together and so many things you haven’t done!
ARE WE FIXABLE or ARE WE F#%&ED???? – 4 things to remember!
In couples counseling, I hear these phrase frequently.
“Can you fix us?”
“Have you seen worse than us?”
“How F#%&ED are we?!?”
Here are 4 things to remember!
Nothing is broken. Ok, yes you have lost trust, you have been unreasonable, etc… But nobody is broken. You have reached a new level in your relationship and we need to adjust the sails. This is about compromise, being honest with yourself and your partner, and making your wants and needs overt. Expecting your partner to be psychic and figure out your needs isn’t going to happen.
Do you want to improve things or do you want to stay in power in your relationship? Often, when one partner has been in control and then they relinquish that stance by trying to be more compassionate/understanding/friendly, the other flies in for the coup. We think this is a great position to occupy, but really it’s the opposite. When you decide to take over as Captain instead of Teammate, you are making a decision to stay in turmoil. I totally understand when you have felt so beneath somebody for so long why you would take on the power position, however, the truth is that it just doesn’t serve you.
You are only as F#%&ED as you think and act. Couples in my practice who jump in with both feet, who do the work and follow the path set in front of them make huge strides. Remember that it took you a long time to get to where you are, you need time to back out of that space and make room for a new and improved relationship. You need very specific tools to rebuild what has been shaken.
Are you committed to doing YOUR part to change the way YOU react and engage? If you are able to focus on how you react and engage, you will be far more successful in your relationship compared to others who wait for their partners to change. You know the saying “be the change you want to see in the world”? The same holds true in your relationship.
If any of this rings a bell and you would like to make changes or improvements in your relationship, please get in touch. Rebuilding your relationship – believe it or not – doesn’t have to be a nightmare. I make a point of bringing levity into sessions, you don’t have to cry your way into happiness. Call today to set up a couples counseling appointment in Denver!
Pre-Engagement Counseling
I know this seems counterintuitive, yet it is true. The majority of couples come to counseling when? When there is a pretty major rift already in place and both parties have dug their heels in deep. I help couples in distress on a daily basis. They get new communications tools to put into practice and begin to climb out of the hole they have fallen into.
This month, I have several new couples seeking pre-engagement counseling. All the couples are in a good place and want to know how they can stay that way for the long haul. Several come from divorced families and they want to avoid that outcome at all costs.
So what are we doing in therapy if they are in a good spot? With a little digging we uncover a lot. Couples are typically very good at ignoring or putting up with bad habits in the beginning, but as time goes on, the habits become pain points for both partners. For example, one of the partners is not good at speaking up for herself. He on the other hand tends to make plans which are great but isn’t great at asking for her opinion. This will be fine and dandy until a few years down the road when her resentment is peaking because she kept quiet and he has no clue about the distaste simmering just beneath the surface. The resentment will show itself in other ways that most likely won’t make sense to him. She might finally explode and he will be baffled because he thought he was doing a great job planning fun trips.
Guess who is the culprit in this ordeal? Both of them. He never asked or inquired about her perspective and she never voiced her unhappiness. Get curious, check in with each other, do not hold your feelings in and stand up for yourself.
In pre-engagement counseling we unearth the stuff you don’t realize is a potential disaster down the road. We also discuss how to have a productive argument, what triggers certain personality types and how to avoid this, how to take total responsibility for yourself and how to keep your personal power.
Don’t become one of the statistics and go through a painful breakup or divorce. Let us help you get all the tools and relationship advice before you think you even need it. Check out our pre-marital couples counseling or couples counseling and make an appointment today!
Anatomy of an Argument: Step 1 - When Arguing, First Focus on *Your Own* Reactions
Couples naturally argue and disagree over almost anything you can imagine.
Fighting with your spouse or significant other can be healthy in that you are standing up for yourself and letting your feelings and intentions be known. You are telling your views and opinions. That’s great! But are you doing this effectively? In a series of posts I am writing, we will look at the anatomy of an effective and appropriate fight. In this first post, we dissect why the first step in arguing effectively is focusing on your own reactions.
When we get into an argument, we are presenting our case for why the other person should come over to our side and our way of thinking…because we are more right, right? WRONG. In all likelihood, the other person’s opinions and beliefs are just as valid as yours. HUH? Yep, if you take a step back and really think about it, they just have a different viewpoint than yours. You might not like or agree with that viewpoint, but it isn’t necessarily wrong. Right? People show up in the world in all sorts of different ways and you can’t make somebody wrong because they disagree with you. The only thing you accomplish is that both of you will end up digging your heels in deeper. You each get more and more defensive. When we get defensive, we slip into our bad habits and then we are off and running.
The first step in a successful disagreement is to focus on your own reactions. If you can do this, you will automatically help manage the other person. If you come out with guns blazing, you are instantly pushing all the buttons of the other person. Their defenses will naturally go up and you have now created the perfect storm. Want to know a better way?
In order to get somebody to listen to your opinion, you need to make sure you are acting in ways that are optimal for this to happen. You want to get your way, right? You must make sure you are coming to the table as calm as you can be with a tone and facial expression that isn’t off-putting. If you don’t, good luck. Take a few minutes prior to engaging and take a few deep breaths. Tell yourself that you are going to engage in this process in a calm and collected way. You have valid points and the other person probably has some, too. If you head into the conversation with an all-or-nothing-your-way-only attitude, they will sense this immediately and nobody will get their needs met. Make it easy for your spouse or partner to give you exactly what you want!
Always remember that if you manage yourself, you manage the other. In the next post we will explore how to avoid a judgmental attitude, the second habit that all successful couples have in their back pocket.
Here’s to fighting effectively! Please call me and I will give you all the knowledge I have on fighting fair. I help couples navigate arguments daily, let me help you, too.
Remember, You're a Team! - A Relationship Metaphor
Some parts of being in a relationship should be like being teammates. Let's examine some team dynamics that are worth considering:
Teams practice. You may come in with skills but you spend time practicing and honing skills. If a teammate isn't improving or is getting worse, there is an attempt to help them improve. Feedback is given. Teammates don't just write off feedback, even if it is negative.
Teams acknowledge complementary skills. Not everyone is the pitcher. Not everyone is the catcher. It's not necessarily that the requirements of different positions are always fair or even, but they acknowledge that they help each other and need each other's strengths to play well.
Teams cheer each other on in success, share wins, console each other in loses.
If your team mate has an off day, gets hurt, or plays poorly, you don't assume it's an attempt to hurt you or that it's your fault or that they are a bad human for being an imperfect player.
Teams do bonding activities. Don't know how to bond with your partner? We can help with that.
Play ball!!
Still struggling with creating a happy, healthy relationship? Contact us today and start improving your relationship tomorrow.
3 Bad Words
1. Never
Do you use this word when describing your partner’s behaviors, intentions, etc..?? If you do, stop it. It’s most likely not even remotely true. “You NEVER consider my feelings.” Never is really a clue for you. It could be your partner is yearning for a closer connection but going about it in a backwards way. It might be them covertly saying “I want you to know how much I need and care for you and I am not feeling that you want this, too.” Instead of arguing that you absolutley do “X,Y and Z”, connect tiwth the emotion behind the frustration. Is it fear, sadness or something else? Get curious instead of defensive.
2) Always
Always. Again, probably not true. Always and never are like evil twins. Get them out of your vocabulary. Instead of saying always, assert your frustration and be specific. “I am getting tired of feeling like I pick up your dirty clothes on a daily basis. That might not be totally accurate, but it sure feels that way.” Always and Never are received as a global attack on somebody’s character. Instead, focus on how the behaviors or events impact you on a personal level, keep it about yourself and not how horrible the other person is. If you want the other person to have sympathy for you, attacking them is never the way to go. Hey babe, I know you have long days too, and that you just want to relax when you get home, however just dumping your stuff on the floor feels like I am your housekeeper and I need to clean up. Tidiness calms me down, so if you could help me with staying calm, that would be great.”
3) But
I love you BUT…. Ick. We all know that line. When you throw a BUT into a sentance it negates the first half of what you said! It makes it completely irrelevant, You can have the exact same sentance if you replace BUT with AND. I love you AND when you come to bed at 3 am it messes up my sleep. I love you AND when you use that tone with me I feel like a child. I completely disagree with you AND you are entitled to your opinion.
Try to kick those words out of your vernacular. Those words suck AND when I use them my husband is quick to remind me about the 3 bad words. As always, we are shooting for a B+ / A- range for being in tune and staying connected. Nobody has an A+ unless they are brushing things under the rug, which leads to resentment and other nasty things. Learn to air your grievances in a way that will allow your partner to give you everything you want.
Need help in these areas? Call us! We are a group of relationship experts. 303-881-3355
The Cost of Not Standing up For Yourself
You might think that holding your tongue during an argument serves you well. It might, if you are truly able to let whatever is being said slide off your back and not sweep it under the rug. For most of us, holding our tongue means something along the lines of “I am going to remember this and bring it up again as ammunition to use against you later!”
For others, not saying anything is a sign that they have difficulty standing up for themselves. Often this means that the one being silent thinks the other person is controlling and then they end up blaming them somehow. Staying silent won’t make whatever “it” is go away. It will just build up until you explode in anger or in some other fashion.
In couples counseling, I often see clients who after years of being silent can’t hold it in any longer. The relationship is on the brink of collapse.
Given the right tools and the formula for how to effectively stand up for themselves, couples learn how to develop the emotional habits that enable them to stand up for themselves without attacking or blaming the other person. They learn that what used to turn into a meltdown can actually turn into a productive conversation. It’s so empowering to rise up and flourish instead of fade away during arguments.
Standing up for yourself doesn’t have to be an ugly mess that turns into a showdown with guns loaded. Getting the right tools is essential for learning how to fight fair and stand up for yourself.
One of the first tools for effectively standing up for yourself is being able to focus on your own reactions by emotionally regulating yourself. If you let what the other person says trigger the hell out of you, chances are the guns will come out. Being able to regulate yourself is critical. You need to learn to breath, stay grounded and focus on what YOU are saying.
There are many tools to help you along the way. Would you like to learn more? If you would like to learn how to stand up for yourself effectively, please give me a call. I would love to hear how you regulate yourself, and please share in the comments section!
Here’s to learning how to fight fair!
Constant Attention
Having a healthy relationship takes work. It never stops taking work. That doesn't mean it has to be difficult or a daily grind, far from it. But it needs daily attention, care and love or it will suffer. I promise. I see and hear about it every day.
I had a couple in today who I haven’t seen in about 2 years. They were in a good place, both putting in the effort. Life went on, they got back into their routines, sank back into bad habits and you can guess the rest. The good news is that they already know what they need to be doing. They ignored the habits they learned and quickly began blaming the other person and the defensiveness was back in full force.
In order to get these two back on track we have to brush the cobwebs off and unearth the love. They came in highly critical and full of contempt, but they both softened by the end. It feels so bad for them right now because the fear of abandonment, perceived or real, iis masked by anger and resentment. It’s much easier to be pissed off then to enter a place of vulnerability and tenderness. Learning how to be safe in your relationship again will take a bit of time and effort. The point is that when you are not paying attention to your relationship, it will wither and eventually die if not tended to appropriately.
If you need to brush off some cobwebs, we will help you through that process. Give us a call today and get back on track ASAP.
Anatomy of an Argument: Step 2 - Avoid a Judgemental Attitude
We first looked into fighting with your spouse or partner effectively and focusing on your own reactions. Here is step two of the anatomy of an argument:
Do you try to be open minded and flexible when you are at odds with your partner? Research has shown that those people who are able to remain flexible are more successful at getting their partners to treat them the way they feel they deserve to be treated.
Most often when we find ourselves in an argument we have competing agendas. When we find ourselves in this position, we typically end up making the other person “wrong” in one way or another. A silly example is driving… which lane do you prefer, what speed, what route? How many of you have been driving and get criticized one way or the other? Odds are you aren’t doing anything wrong, it is just different from your mate.
Do your best not to jump to negative conclusions regarding your partner. Instead, it is best to get curious about why they acted they way they did or said what they did. Automatically assuming the worst is an invitation for your partner to become instantly defensive and angry. If you want your mate to meet you in the middle, this is a skill you need to master.
Happy couples will get curious before they get defensive. Next time you find yourself in grid-lock, ask yourself if the other’s actions / beliefs / opinions are really wrong, or just legitimately different than yours. This is where constructive compromise happens so both parties feel heard and understood.
Please call me and I will give you all the knowledge I have on fighting fair. I help couples navigate arguments daily, let me help you, too.
Surviving vs. Thriving
Validation Strategies: Show Up!
In therapy, we look at ways to build relationships through effective communication. There are some basic ways to help people feel connected and, in psycho-babble terms, they're called "validation strategies". If any of your relationships feel strained or if you just want to enhance an already kick ass relationship, do more validating!!! In this little series im doing, I will go through the different strategies and of validation.
Strategy one: show up!
Duh. If you want to connect or make someone feel heard or seen you need to create a situation where that's possible. Making yourself available, setting up a time to talk, or answering a call or text or in person request is validating. It makes the person feel they are important. I can't tell you the number of times that I've talked to couples who feel hurt or invalidated because they never see their partner. Similarly, I've seen friendships get ruined or dissolved because the friends never see each other.
But don't just be a warm body. Actually show up. Eliminate distraction. Turn off the TV....even if you're in the middle of binge watching your latest Netflix show, there's this nifty thing they have called the "pause button" now and I would highly suggest using it. Put away the phone. Or if you're on the phone or texting, don't be watching TV and driving and painting your nails or whatever else you might be tempted to do. Focus on the conversation at hand. People notice. They care. I'm sure you like feeling attended to, so this is a great time to practice the "golden rule" and do that kindness to someone else.
Internal distractions should also be reduced. These might include, but not be limited to: making a grocery list, planning what to say next, judging the other person, daydreaming, physical pain or fatigue or hunger. Do your best to notice and eliminate as much as possible. In the case of pain or fatigue or hunger, I suggest saying something up front like "hey, just so you know I'm super tired, I'm doing the best I can, just don't want you to take it personally in case I yawn or something. I'm here. I'm listening."
Challenge: practice showing up today. Make an effort to fully arrive and listen. It will help your relationships and make you feel good about yourself. Now go get 'em tiger!
Are You Predictable or Spontaneous in Your Relationship?
What is Codependency?
February is codependency month. But what is Codependency?
Codependency is term that is thrown around a lot. It is defined as “excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, often a partner who requires support due to an illness or addiction.” But it doesn’t require an illness or addiction. Sometimes both partners are very high functioning, both may even be over functioning in the case of relationships where one partner is fairly controlling, type-a, narcissistic or a workaholic. So how does it show up? How can you know if you engage in co dependent relationship patterns? Here's a (non-exhaustive, but decent) list of symptoms:
You have been called controlling or nagging
You help without having been asked
You have a hard time setting boundaries, saying no, expressing (or sometimes even just knowing) your needs and emotions
You feel resentment and loss of joy
You feel compelled to put others needs before your own
You struggle with accepting help or compliments
You feel like your worth or emotions are dependant on the state of your relationships
You tend to be in relationships that put you in role of fixer, helper, junior therapist, caretaker, parent
If you relate to any of these, were here to help. Call or email today!
3 Reasons Why Fighting Matters
We ALL fall short. We know we are doing it, and sometimes we just don’t care. So when one of you has one of those days, it’s up to the other person to bring their A game. It’s also important to realize why fighting matters. We will worry about the repair part later when you can apologize and really mean it.
People who think that they will never fight in a relationship are, quite frankly, delusional. In my opinion, if you are in one of those relationships, then you either aren’t being honest about things that bother you or you are sweeping things under the rug and pushing problems aside.
In my many years of couples and marriage counseling, and being in my own 17 year relationship, I KNOW fighting is healthy. In some of my best fights with my husband, we have had our best conversations and realizations.
Here are some reasons fighting with your spouse or significant other is important:
Anger sets a line in the sand, a boundary, telling the other person they have just crossed over. Anger as an emotion isn’t bad. Your boundaries show the other person what you are willing to put up with to a point and then it’s a game changer. If you don’t set up boundaries, people will walk right over your line without knowing or respecting it.
Fighting appropriately let’s you stand up for yourself and get your point across when the other person may not have realized your goals or intentions. Don’t rob the other person of the chance to understanding your position.
People exist differently in the world. Do not make the other person wrong just because you disagree. We all need to learn that difference does not = wrong, it equals different! It’s not OK to pout or be hurt because your partner has a different view.
Obviously, these are just a few examples. There are many more how and why to fight fair. If you want to know how to fight without making the other person wrong, without attacking their character, without being defensive or critical, then call me so I can give you the exact tools you need.
My couples therapy practice is based on over 40 years of scientifically validated research from the top minds in the field. If you want to know what works, I have it and want to share it all. Let’s get started today!
Carrie
Equanimity, Accepting The “Good” With The “Bad”
“Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness. And the word happy would lose it’s meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come with patience and equanimity.” –Carl Jung on Equanimity
Equanimity, or achieving mental or emotional stability or composure, especially under tension or strain; similar to the idea of acceptance, equanimity is accepting the “good” with the “bad” without judgement.
“But Erika, I don’t like the “bad””
Totally get it. And…like it or not, “bad” happens. Bad days, bad moods, bad fights, bad bosses, bad drivers, bad sleep… “Bad” will always happen to everyone.
Since “bad” is unavoidable, you’re left with having to choose how you handle the inevitable.
You can fight it or judge it or deny it. You can numb it with addiction to sex, food, work or drugs. You can ignore it and wonder why your sleep sucks, you’re irritable, your sex life is suffering, or you can’t concentrate. You can blame it for your lack of fulfillment, peace, or happiness. You can hide out, micromanage your life, spin your wheels trying to perfect yourself to avoid it. All of these have an impact on you, your relationships, and sometimes your community.
Or you can learn to tolerate it with equanimity (notice I didn’t say “like”, “agree with”, or “allow to continue”).
“Ugh…ok. Maybe I could try this equanimity, but how?”
Glad you asked.
Here are 8 steps to equanimity:
Set your intention to practice. Life will provide opportunities to practice and setting an intention keeps your eyes open to those opportunities.
Notice attempts to avoid or fight or judge the “bad”
Breathe deeply…it will calm you down and create space to try new skills
Acknowledge the “bad” and that you don’t like it
Breathe again. This is hard stuff
Remind yourself that you’re practicing equanimity and it’s possible that you can accept this “bad”
If you’re feeling bold and sassy, try to assign meaning to the “bad” (some suggestions: “I can learn from this”, “I can find gratitude in this”, “I can connect during this”, “I can relate to others better by experiencing this”, “I can be more present in my life by acknowledging this”)
Rinse and repeat steps 1-7 as needed.
When you are having a tough time, take a seat and try these steps. Set aside some time right now or later today and see how much better you feel. Then do it again the next time you need it. Try it daily – you might just love it!
Need more? We are here to help, we want to help! You deserve it. Call or email Erika today.
20 Reasons to Consider Couples Counseling
Are you considering couples counseling for yourself and your partner? Looking for help is the first step. Here are 20 reasons to consider couples counseling:
You keep thinking to yourself that you and your spouse / partner aren’t communicating well. I give you the EXACT couples counseling exercises and techniques you need in order to express yourself effectively.
You keep having the same arguments over and over. In couples counseling, we will figure out what habits are sabotaging your efforts and why you aren’t getting your needs met.
You can’t remember what the arguing was about in the first place. It started as a complaint about a dirty table and ended up about how you feel totally disrespected! In this part of couples therapy, we will uncover what your underlying needs are and how you are contributing to the cycle of fighting.
You can’t figure out how to phrase something so that the other person can actually hear it, you don’t feel heard. If this is during an argument, it is likely that you are trying to persuade your partner that you are right. In couples therapy we will explore why this hardly ever works and tell you what you need to do instead.
You feel like you walk on egg shells all the time. Couples therapy will help you stand up for yourself effectively while not putting the other person down so they can have an open mind about your point of view.
You are constantly wondering if you are living up to their expectations. You don’t have to live up to their expectations! Those expectations belong to them, not you.
You feel like a crappy mom / wife / husband – so much guilt around not being good enough. We will explore why you are good enough right now and how you can feel even better. You ARE enough.
You are wondering where the passion went! This is retrievable, you have to make the time and commitment! You need to plan, to pay attention and to be active in your relationship. I will also give you homework assignments to help with the awkwardness!
You are having better conversations with friends and coworkers than your spouse / partner. Couples counseling shows you how to reignite that spark and to avoid the temptation of doing it with somebody else.
You are avoiding going home because home is actually lonely even though somebody else is in the house. I will show you how to gently reintroduce conversation into the relationship that is completely gentle and reengaging – oh and it’s fun.
You need to figure out how to have boundaries in your relationship. Don’t be a doormat and let people walk all over you!
You feel bad about getting angry. Anger sets a boundary – couples counseling will show you why this emotion is KEY!
Baggage! We all have it. Couples therapy will show you how to unpack that baggage and leave it in the dust.
Only 25% of couples know how to fight fair. Most of us, 75%, are royally screwing this up and were never given the tools we need. Couples therapy with me will show you the 12 skills you need to join the ranks of the successful couples.
There are 4 nails in the coffin for relationships. Defensiveness, contempt, criticism and stonewalling…but one is the deadliest. Couples counseling will show you how to avoid these relationship killers and give you the antidotes.
Most couples don’t realize that their nervous systems are soothed in often opposite ways. What makes one person feel good brings out anxiety in the other. Couples counseling gives you ways to maintain emotional stability when those anxiety producing moments pop up.
We often feel we’re made to be wrong in situations when our partners don’t agree with us. We aren’t wrong, we just have a different viewpoint. Couples counseling shows you how to react effectively when you feel blamed or when your partner believes you are more to blame.
Affairs – this is a biggie. Yes – you can move beyond it. Yes – you can heal from it.
There are 9 emotional habits that will never serve you in a relationship. With over 40 years of research from the top minds in the field, I will show you the 9 habits that you need to say bye-bye to and which habits you want to embrace.
Couples therapy can be FUN! Sure there are tough times, but let’s get you back to the place you want to be and to bring the joy back into your relationship. I give homework and readings to every couple I work with. These are fun, ego-boosting assignments meant to exercise and build your emotional muscle.
If any of these reasons sound like a good idea to you to consider couple counseling, please call me to set up a first appointment. Couples counseling and relationship therapy should never be a scary or blaming place. With me, it is a place to gather all the tools and skills you need to be a member of that 25% that does it right. Anybody can join that group! Let’s talk today!
