What I've been listen to: Tony Robbins interview of Esther Perel (Tony Robbins Podcast "Why do people cheat: Parts 1 and 2")

If you want to take an interesting deep dive into relationships and get some insights to help you thrive in your relationships, check out these episodes. Ester and Tony cover everything from attachment to communication to responsibility and intentionality. The first part is about relationships In general and the second one zeros in more on infidelity, which is Ester Perels realm of expertise. In all honesty, I listened to these episode several times to be able to more fully digest them because they're so juicy and dense. This therapy nerd highly recommends it!

Want more on what I am listening to? Check it all out here.

"We don’t have anything in common anymore" PART TWO: Tell better stories!!

I listen to podcasts. A lot. Excessively.

I’ve listened to ones by comedians and ones about serial murderers. Ive listen to shows about athletes and shows about gamers. Ive listened to ones about rappers and one's about farmers. You get it.

So what makes those random podcasts interesting to me? It’s not that I relate to the day to day comings and goings of a rap star or farm hand. It’s not that I've actually played a first person shooter video game or done a triathlon. It’s that these podcasts tell good stories.

I say this because many people get trapped in this notion that "our relationship suffers because we have nothing in common." Some are trapped because they are not listening to the other person to see the human experiences of success, pain, and emotion in a story (see my last blog on listening). Others are trapped because they don't tell good stories.

From my years working with individuals and couples and from my voracious consumption of comedy, podcasts, movies, books, etc, I offer a few tips to connect better by telling better stories:

1. Show up. If you want to tell a good story, show up. Don't be talking while watching t.v. or checking Facebook or looking for who else is at the party that you can talk to. If you want others to be present and engaged listeners, be a present and engaged talker.

2. Know your audience and try to connect with them. Try and speak their language and use examples they might relate to as a way to illustrate your point. People generally like to feel like you're talking spontaneously to them and not doing the same canned monologue that you've been telling at every water cooler for the past year. They also probably don't like feeling lost or left behind when you only speak in jargon without humbly offering to educate them. When people feel seen as a unique listener and that you are invested in helping them follow your story, they are often more open to listening.

3. Check for understanding. Its cool to geek out on details and minutia. But if you're going to take a deep dive into a topic, make sure your conversation partner is keeping up. Ask "does that make sense?", "Did I lose you?", "Do you know what I mean?", "You picking up what I'm throwing down?"...well maybe not the last one. And don't shame or belittle your listener if they don't get it.  They could have bull-shitted you but they cared enough to be honest and learn, so honor that.

4. Include a liberal amount of commentary and behind the scenes footage. People may not connect to how you're using a new code to work on the financial concerns of middle age men in Nebraska, but they may be interested in how you felt as you struggled to figure it out or the relief of completing it on time. Insights into the human experience behind the story, help connect. Authenticity is attractive in a speaker, so practice letting your guard down and speak from your heart.

Happy storytelling!!

"We don't have anything in common any more": PART 1: Listen Better!!

You're outdoorsy and he's a gamer. Your mom has a new passion for cross-stitching and tennis and that’s all she talks about. Your office mate just hiked another 14er....again.

I've been hearing a lot from clients who are struggling with relating in their relationships. This is part of one of a two part series to help you (re)connect in relationships.

Part of the disconnect can be that you aren't listening, aren't listening well, or aren't listening to the connective material in the other person's story. Here are some tips to start listening better.

1. Show up. Like really show up. Be present. Eliminate, or at least minimize, distractions, and focus on listening.

2. Stay engaged (non verbals). Listening is not a passive, spectator sport. I'm sure you have had someone passively hear you while they are checking Facebook, people watching, randomly and dispassionately saying "uh-huh", or totally spacing out. And I'm sure you've had someone actually be there, hold space for your words and feelings, and actively engage in the conversation by listening. Do that.

3. Listen for understanding. Don't listen just for your opportunity to make a point. Not just to get in a jab or a punch line. Not to one up you or turn the conversation back to yourself. Listen for emotions. Listen for thoughts or reactions that give you a glimpse into the other’s life. Listen so the other person leaves feeling seen and known. Listen to others how you like others to listen to you.

Why bother!?!

• It makes conversations more connective.

• It can reduce conflict, sometimes people escalate in order to be heard

• When people feel heard, they are likely to listen

• It's kind and validating for the other person

• Why not!?!

Happy listening!!

It's Not You... It's the Pandemic

Psychologist Amy Cuddy and writer Jill Ellynn Riley recently identified something called “pandemic flux syndrome,” a non-clinical term used to describe the mess of feelings associated with pandemic-related changes to our everyday lives.

These feelings may take the form of blunted emotions, spikes in anxiety or depression, and maybe even a desire to make a drastic change in your life. If you tend towards anxiety you may have been tempted to make a major life change, like moving across the country or changing jobs. If you tend toward depression, this may have encouraged you to retreat more from the world. Sound familiar?

Here’s a little more biology behind why we (and our brains) are having such a hard time right now:

• Our brains love predictability and certainty. We would rather be in a worse situation with a predictable end than be in a slightly better situation with an unknown end. We do not know when the pandemic will “end” or when our lives will return to “normal” or anything resembling it.

• Your brain is not very good at predicting what will make you happy. We commit these “forecasting errors” all the time by believing that something will make us happier for longer than it actually does. We might have been fooled into thinking that partially lifting restrictions or finally seeing family and friends would have made us significantly more happy than it actually has.  

• We have depleted what is known as our “surge capacity,” which is our mental and physical ability to adapt to acutely stressful situations.  At this point in the pandemic, we have been in fight, flight, or freeze mode for 18+ months, which is something that our brains are not used to processing. 

• Our brains are not designed to live in a long-term state of emergency. When you’re still in middle of an emergency, you don’t have the mental space to process what you have been through. We are still trying to make sense of all the loss we have experienced over the last year and half and haven’t had time to process our individual or collective grief. 

So how do we deal? Here are some tips for navigating these types of feelings:

•  If you’re feeling anxious or impulsive, take a step back to reconsider. Talk to someone you trust before making a big decision. 

• Set boundaries with the amount of information you take in. It is tempting to obsess over case and vaccination rates, but it is unlikely to make you feel better because it likely to change. Be mindful of what you give your attention.  

• Focus on smaller things you can control and plan things you can do. Consider what you have power over. You may not be able to control what the pandemic is doing, but you can control how you react to it all. Make time for self-care, which includes physical and mental wellness.

• Ask yourself what you need and try to find it. Some of your normal activities may still be limited but use a little creativity to come up with a new solution. Utilize the resources you have. 

• Stop asking yourself when it will be over or when things will go back to the way they were before. The COVID-19 virus is here to stay for the foreseeable future, and we all have to adjust and start living in this new “normal,” as unpredictable as it is. 

• Know that you are not alone. Be kind to yourself and others. We are all experiencing (hopefully) this once in a lifetime event and trying to adjust as we go. Somewhere out there someone else is probably feeling something similar. Remember that human beings are resilient beyond our understanding and that any response you are having is okay and valid. 

If you are struggling beyond using these tips for help, I would love to talk you through some of your feelings associated with Pandemic Flux Syndrome. Reach out to me today or book a session below.

That's Not Paleo

The paleo diet is about getting back to doing things how our ancestors did them. Great concept, but, thanks to marketing and bro-science, it may have led some people astray.

Just like with the Paleo diet, I believe we should be mindful of eating processed, packaged foods. I think we should be thoughtful about eating nutrient dense foods and not just eat whatever hyper-palatable shit pops up in front of our face. But at the same time, I don’t think we need to be food phobic and weigh and measure food, including every grain of quinoa, count every calorie we consume, and eat exactly the same meals day after day. That’s not what the cavemen did. They didn’t prove worth or exert control by being restrictive or disciplined with food and they probably didn’t freak out about how a night of consuming bear, berries, and beer around the campfire would fit into their prescribed macros. Cavemen  ate to survive and have energy to do tasks. They ate communally and were grateful for food.

I also believe in a healthy exercise regimen. I think we should move around, run, and lift heavy things to stay healthy and fit. Cavemen did those things to provide food and shelter and to play, not to punish themselves,  to compensate for the food they ate, or to compete to the point of injury. They probably didn’t say "well, my garmin says I ran five miles at 10mph yesterday to catch that deer, so today I have to run at least that far and I need to run it faster."

Several of the clients that see me for eating disorder therapy reported their eating disorder started innocently, in the name of going paleo. It then blossomed and was concealed in the context of restrictive diets and excessive crossfit workouts. Without a solid sense of self we can find identity in diet and lifestyle trends. Without mindfulness and ability to trust our intuition we can fall prey to relying on rigid rules, restrictions and regulations. The Paleo diet goes bad when we focus on  "WHAT cavemen did" and forget  "WHY caveman did it". They did it probably for two reasons: 1. Survival and 2. Community. If your diet and exercise are not helping you live your best life and connect with your family and community, it might be worth looking at it and asking yourself "what would a caveman do?"

If you are struggling with an eating disorder, or think you might be on the brink of an eating disorder, call us and we can help you work through it.

Can you handle this crazy??

I wanted to share a recent interview I heard regarding relationships.  I heard it on the podcast This American Life.  This episode is about people making bad choices so I was surprised when the epilogue started talking about marriage.   The host, Ira Glass, is speaking with author Alain De Button.  Button’s argues that many of us enter into marriage in all the wrong ways.  He reflects to us that we expect one person to be our best friend, lover, cohabitant, emotional support system and financial partner.  When you look at it that way, it seems so silly that we expect one person to be all those things and to do so without ever upsetting the other.  After all, you’re supposed to marry the love of your life, the most perfect person ever and live happily ever after.  When you go into marriage with those expectations, how can ever expect to succeed?  Button’s viewpoint is a very pragmatic, arguably very dark stance on love and marriage.  But I have to admit, I think he’s really on to something here….. My husband and I were in the car together listening to the podcast.  When we heard Mr Button’s ideas and examples, we both laughed…. A lot! Button suggests that when you marry someone, you have to be aware of and willing to put up with their ‘crazy’.  Everyone has some crazy and when you live with a person, you learn about their crazy pretty quickly.  Raise your hand if you know you’re crazy.  Put it another way, raise your hand if you know that something you do would drive another person you live with crazy. The question is, can you handle their specific brand of crazy, and what’s more, can you still love them through it?  The entire podcast is an hour long, but Alain De Button’s portion is only the first 5 minutes.  Give it a listen here. Do you agree with him?

If you need to talk through your crazy, or your spouse's crazy, give us a call! We can't wait to hear what kind of crazy you are going through.

Groundhog Day, How to Not Do Things Over and Over

You've probably seen the movie Groundhog Day where Bill Murray keeps repeating the day over and over and over.  If you are doing this in your life, whether at work, home or with family, here are some things to consider.

If you have a habit that isn't serving you, get yourself a new one.  For example, if you find yourself being defensive constantly, you need to switch it up.  Instead of remaining in your defensive posture, try to take in what the other person is saying as information and not an attack.  You might tell the other person that you know you have a pattern of getting defensive and that you are trying to get out of that cycle.  If they hear you coming from a place of invitation to discuss and not a stance of defensiveness, you might find yourself having a totally different interaction.  Remember that they are used to you pushing back and possibly not being open minded.

This might be tough at first especially if the other person stays stuck in their routine of attack and blame.  If this happens, try to remain calm and always remember that if you can focus on your own reactions, you will help manage the other person.  You are trying to shift the way things have been going for months, but most likely years.  Be patient with yourself and the other person.

Habits solidify over time, not overnight.  Give yourself and your partner time to adjust and don't give up.  Like I always say, you don't walk into the gym and come out with a six pack stomach.  You need to practice new skills on a daily basis until it becomes a habit.  Once you get the habit into muscle memory, it becomes so much easier.

If you need help breaking up with your habits, or learning how to switch it up, we are here for you. Schedule an appointment today.

Dream Big

I have a friend who's doing her first 100 mile ultra marathon race this weekend. While this doesn't appeal to me, I'm in awe of the audacity to try to do 100 miles. I don't even like driving 100 miles! But that's beside the point. The point is, she has a goal that a lot of people, including herself at one point, thought was impossible. Actually, she has entered shorter races and not been able to finish. There is no concrete evidence that she will finish this race. And yet she persists. She's daring to dream and risk failing in order to reach her goal.

I have another friend who is hell bent on qualifying for the Boston Marathon. He needs a time that's faster than he's ever run a marathon before and he keeps having injuries pop up and interrupt his training. He recently got injured to the point of having to stop running for a month. But he's doing the rehab, reworking his training plan, and simply rescheduling his qualifying race. He persists. Hes daring to dream and risk failing in order to reach his goal.

While I may not want to run far or fast, I am challenged by my friends to dream big, push my limits, put my ego to the side and declare goals to my friends even if I may not reach them immediately. When I want to take the easy way or temper my goals with self limiting thoughts and fear, I think of them and push past what I think is possible. If she can run 100 miles, I can finish these notes, tolerate traffic, or climb a 14er. If he can try to qualify for Boston, I can write a book or plan a dream vacation.

You may not have athletic performance goals. Maybe you want to communicate better with your partner, start a new work venture, perform at an open mic, recover from an eating disorder, work through trauma, whatever. It’s important to acknowledge your audacious goal, find inspiration around you, and take the leap. You never know, you may end up being someone else's inspiration!

Making the Best Out of Life's Transitions

Life transitions can throw us off our game at times and we can start to feel unsettled and experience a spike in stress levels.

For instance, you just graduated, started a new job, moved to a new place and feel like finding a new grocery store will be the end of the world. Everything feels so different. Maybe you’re feeling disconnected or missing your old routines, even the ones you didn’t enjoy so much at the time. At least you could rely on some familiarity, right? What now?

Here are a few small but meaningful ways you can shift your mindset to ease into a life transition, make the best out of it, and take care of yourself while you do it.

Make Meaning

Transitions can be difficult, and they can also be wonderful if you look around. Moving in with your partner can offer new opportunities for connection. Starting a new job can lead you to connect with people you never would have met or learn a cool new skill. Kiddos transitioning to all-day Kindergarten can give you the opportunity to discover a hobby you love.

Create New

At times, we can get stuck doing the same things day by day, week by week. Life transitions can provide great opportunities to shake up your routine. Try to open yourself up to at least one new experience or exciting addition to your week, such as exploring a new park each weekend or tackling a project around the fixer-upper you just bought.

Increase Your Compassion

It can feel frustrating trying to get used to a new routine or life situation, and that frustration can lead us to put ourselves down or begin to mistreat those around us. Next time you experience this, try reminding yourself that you are in an overwhelming transition and engage in self-compassion. Take time to breathe, put the situation into perspective, and remember that you are capable of coping. 

If you feel like you are struggling with a life transition, we are here for you. Reach out with any questions you might have about what a session would look like for you, or book a session today.

“Check Engine”: A Journey in Radical Acceptance

I often talk to my clients about this concept called “radical acceptance.” It’s initially confusing and people sometimes have some complaints about the whole idea of it. Acceptance has a connotation of liking something or agreeing with it or not doing anything about it. “It is what it is” is both invalidating and not what I mean by “radical acceptance”. It’s a passive stance and leaves people feeling disempowered or angry in an “if I accept it, the terrorists win” kind of way.

In DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) we look at having two opposites coexist. With radical acceptance, we notice that once something/someone is accepted, it frees up the possibility of change (change the situation, change our thoughts, change our behaviors, etc.). But this paragraph is just theoretical happy horse shit, so here’s a lame but effective example of using radical acceptance.

When my “check engine” light comes on, I practice radical acceptance. I acknowledge that it’s on, I even acknowledge that I’m frustrated or annoyed or inconvenienced, and then I take my car to the mechanic to get it fixed. Acknowledging the problem frees me up to effectively fix the situation.

It would not be effective for me to…

1.    See that the “check engine” light is on, pull over, kick my car, slash the tires, find the nearest cliff and push my car off of it. After all, my car is obviously a piece of shit, it thought this was the perfect car but it’s just like all the rest, I’m over it, I hate it.

But now I don’t have a car and have a real pickle on my hands when I have to tell the insurance company what happened.

OR

2.    See that the “check engine” light is on, and ignore it. Light? What light!?! I don’t see a light. It’s fine. My car’s fine. Runs fine now. Everything is fine.

But then my engine melts after a while from not having enough oil, which is a much bigger (and more expensive) pain in the ass than an oil change.

These examples are a big dramatic, but we do these ineffective strategies all the time. Catastrophizing, black and white thinking, judgement, and lack of acceptance leads to emotion fueled behavior that causes more suffering.  Maybe I run from a relationship after the first disagreement or I berate myself when I feel sad, or I binge after I eat an extra cookie. Ignoring it doesn’t make the problem go away either, and actually makes the problem worse. Maybe I ignore my sore throat and it turns into walking pneumonia, or I brush aside my anger at my spouse for texting while we were in the middle of a conversation, or I don’t say anything even though I notice my best friend has been drinking a lot more lately.

Life’s obviously a lot more complicated that car maintenance. And at the same time, practice is practice. Start practicing acknowledging how you think or feel and what’s going on around you. Try to do this without judgment, without pushing situations away and without clinging to them. Then look for the space that creates to make effective change. It’s all a practice and you’re worth practicing.

If you are struggling with practicing radical acceptance or struggling with what you find, we’re here to help. Get in touch via email, or by phone 818.919.2253

Ladies, Put Yourself FIRST!

I know this is a generalization, however I see this all the time in my office and I am also guilty of it.  As moms, friends, daughters, wives, etc, we tend to put others before ourselves on a consistent basis. WHY?!?!?!?  

This is honestly a struggle for me since I have the helper gene nailed down pretty hard.  But the truth is when I put myself first, life is so much better.  I am able to attend to the others in my life with purpose.  I am more focused, more intentional, better attuned to them because I have taken care of myself and my needs.  I am not off in my head trying to figure out my next moves for dinner, laundry, my business, friends, family, etc.

Try it for one small day or half the day.  Make it all about you and see what happens.  I am very aware that when I am not first, things get chaotic and messy.  For example, I am writing this while staring at a basket of clean laundry that has been sitting there for 2 days.  My sink is full of dishes.  Those things can wait because right now, my personal life and my business projects are taking priority.  I literally decided the other day that I am focusing on 3 things: personal health, business health and family health.  Everything else is now on hold.  There is a lot on hold.  So many projects, books and shiny objects screaming for my attention.  If I let myself get sidetracked, then I get anxious.  Focusing on my top three is my new priority and it feels so much better. Take a look at my Self Care tip for ideas.  If you need help making yourself a priority, pick up the phone and call us.  We can do this journey together!

Too Busy to Feel

I come by it honestly. My Dad was a well-intentioned workaholic and my Mom both loses and finds herself in helping others. I’m good at staying busy. It’s brought some amazing adventures, a sense of confidence and independence, and varied nerdy interests and intellectual pursuits.

But what happens when life slows down and gives you more time than you know how to fill? If you’re me, you panic! The panic goes in waves (the waves calm when the smallest bit of distraction helps me avoid the darkness that my fear tells me is looming in the distance, waiting to pounce if I slow down enough for it to catch me). I didn’t think I actively avoided being still, but at the same time I certainly wasn’t comfortable in it and had created patterns and habits that kept me from finding an uncomfortable amount of it. But those patterns of staying busy had been changed and weren’t available and I got scared.

Oh, and to further normalize aversion to stillness, I’m a therapist! I’m supposed to like this shit! I’m into mindfulness and stillness and emotions and all that uncomfy stuff. Wasn’t I supposed to start a prolonged state of levitating bliss when I got my MFT license!?!

So I did what any enlightened person does…I judged myself, I denied my feelings, and I found new ways to get busy again. Until I hit a brick wall and got buried under feelings of depression and anxiety. Until I started crying at small, seemingly random things. Until I struggled to get out of bed. Until I was with my favorite people doing my favorite things and still felt numb because disconnecting from painful emotions had disconnected me from the more fun ones as well.

Begrudgingly, I took my own dumb advice and leaned into the stillness. I got really intentional about keeping up my yoga practice, meditating, listening to music, journaling, letting myself lay in bed and cry if I felt like it. I got intentional about being curious about my thoughts and feelings and simply observing and labeling what I saw.  At that time, what I found, was loneliness. In hindsight, all my previous busy-ness that had been an effort to avoid feeling lonely had kept me from connecting to others, mostly because I hadn’t been connecting to myself.  Without truly seeing my emotions and loneliness, I had not been effective in helping myself feel better because you can’t fix a problem you refuse to identify. Once I got in touch with my loneliness I was able to take action to connect to friends and family, connect more meaningfully to activities, and, most importantly, connect to myself.

This stuff isn’t magic. I still had times (and currently have time…let’s be real, this stuff is part of life and still happens) when I missed people or was bored. And those times hurt, but I find myself practicing being more open to acknowledging that hurt rather than running from it. I firmly believe that being separated from others is painful, but being separated from yourself is suffering.

I encourage you to join me in this practice of daily slowing down enough to see yourself. It’s a scary idea and takes a lot of bravery. And it’s worth it. You’re worth it.

If you’re struggling with overwhelming emotions, we’re here to help.  Get in touch via our website www.coloradocft.com, email, or phone 818.919.2253