Here are some indicators you are giving gifts from the ego, not the heart.
Book Review - Secrets to your Successful Domestic Adoption
Recently, I was introduced to a book called Secrets to your Successful Domestic Adoption by Jennifer Joyce Pedley, which was recommended by a colleague who has been in the domestic adoption world for almost 30 years. This book turned out to be an amazing resource for people who are just starting to look into the domestic adoption process.
Pedley, a social worker who has been helping create families since 1995, walks the reader through a detailed view of domestic adoption and the many facets of this intricate process. Pedley became part of the adoption world after placing her own son up for adoption in 1990. Her wealth of experience in both sides of the adoption process provides the reader with both the expert insider detailed view along with the big picture heartfelt side.
Secrets to your Successful Domestic Adoption walks through the entire process of domestic adoption. Pedley discusses why someone could and should consider domestic adoption, infertility issues that many face, if you should use an adoption agency, how to pick a good adoption agency, how to discuss adoption with your family and the rest of the world, and the list goes on. The one place that I differed in opinion with Pedley is on the topic of agencies. Pedley gives a fair view of the benefits and challenges of working with agencies, but ultimately she has a somewhat anti-agency view. I have had a very positive experience with my agency and don’t know how I would navigate this process without them. Granted, I have personal experience with only one agency, but I wouldn’t change my decision.
If you are thinking about domestic adoption and want a good insider's view on how to navigate this potentially tricky process, Secrets to your Successful Domestic Adoption is a great place to start and then refer back to along the way.
If that isn’t enough, I am going through the process with my husband and would love to talk with you about how you are handling this tough, but rewarding process. Book a session with me today and we can go over all of the emotions that come along with adoption.
What I've been listen to: Tony Robbins interview of Esther Perel (Tony Robbins Podcast "Why do people cheat: Parts 1 and 2")
If you want to take an interesting deep dive into relationships and get some insights to help you thrive in your relationships, check out these episodes. Ester and Tony cover everything from attachment to communication to responsibility and intentionality. The first part is about relationships In general and the second one zeros in more on infidelity, which is Ester Perels realm of expertise. In all honesty, I listened to these episode several times to be able to more fully digest them because they're so juicy and dense. This therapy nerd highly recommends it!
Want more on what I am listening to? Check it all out here.
Marriage, Conflict and Realities
Interview with an Artist: Greg White, Writer
For this installment of "Interview with an Artist", I interviewed Greg White, a good friend and a writer with a pretty impressive resume, including being nominated for an Emmy!
By seeing his often absurd work on Comedy Central, MTV, and Netflix's Puss In Boots, you may not guess that Greg is so wise, thoughtful, and grounded. Greg's approach to writing is steady practice of "just showing up", which I think can be applied to most areas of life. He spoke of managing creative pressures, building structure for writing, and he even shares some insight into finding fulfillment and not attaching to identity. Enjoy!
You're an artist. What kind of art do you do?
I am a writer. Specifically, I write for television and film in Los Angeles. I've written for Comedy Central, Cartoon Network, Disney among others, and developed shows with MTV, FX, and Conaco. I was nominated for an Emmy and lost while wearing a rented tuxedo.
It's not uncommon for creative types to struggle with mental health issues. What do you see as the interplay between mental health and creativity?
Something I see a lot in other writers is anxiety. Our career is a very uncertain one, with the potential for big swings in success, and/or long gaps between jobs. The people who can acknowledge that there are things beyond your control, and that all that matters is controlling what you can (i.e., the quality of your work day to day) are the ones who have the best attitudes in their lives and careers. I personally like this element of my job in that it reminds me daily that nothing is certain, and making good friends with the unknown is only going to serve me well in life. As for the role of mental health in creativity, perhaps manic states fuel some artists, but I prefer to be very slow and steady in my work. 1 or 2 hours a day of writing is often all I allow myself.
You can't possibly feel creative all the time. What do you do to foster creativity and practice your craft even when you're not feeling it? Any tricks you've picked up to help you get out of your own way?
I will refer to Chuck Close, who once said, "Inspiration is for amateurs; the rest of us just show up." I think if you are a person with a creative career, you must develop a systems approach to productivity. Identify the goal, break it down into small chunks, and chip away at it day to day. In other words, amateurs have the benefit of waiting for the muse, but professionals do not. Certainly, finding the joy in your work is key. I don't start writing something unless I know why I love it, even if it's something not of my own creation (as in freelance scenarios). You find your way in somehow, and for me it is finding the one funny thing that I want to play around with. In the absence of that, why do it anyway?
If you could suggest one thing for my readers to do to help them live their best life, what would that be?
Filling my life and work with a larger meaning and purpose has been crucial to my happiness. I see my life and everything in it as one big process of discovery, and by approaching everything with this attitude, I seem to thrive. And for the love of God, get outside and move your body. Hike, run, stroll, walk the dog, get your hands dirty, pick up a heavy object, sprint up a hill. We are not meant to live in our heads. They are way too cramped. Further, do not identify yourself by any one thing. I love writing, but I do not identify myself by way of my professional endeavors. I love running, but do not identify myself by my race success. Be comfortable being about many things.
Follow Greg's mobility progress on Instagram at @thatgregwhite. Check out other "Interview with an Artist" blogs.
Interview with an Artist: Laura C a local writer, performer
Living your best life takes many forms and requires many skills.
One of the top ten skills is creativity. Creativity and mental health and their influence on each other is interesting to me personally and professionally. Sometimes the greatest art is born of pain and suffering. Sometimes pain and suffering rob us of creativity. Because it's interesting to me, because I hope I can spark some thought and creativity in my clients and readers, and because I selfishly like picking the brains of creative people, I decided to do a series of interviews about creativity and mental health. This interview is with Laura C, a former stand-up comedian, and current storyteller and writer who shared how she has evolved in her creativity and is working on finding balance.
You're an artist. What kind of art do you do?
I started out performing stand-up and improv comedy at the age of 19. I loved comedy and am still a huge comedy fan, but around the time I was 26 I started seeing a therapist and coincidentally I stopped performing comedy soon thereafter! For the past 5 years I've delved into personal essay, memoir type writing and live storytelling shows.
It's not uncommon for creative types to struggle with mental health issues. What do you see as the interplay between mental health and creativity?
I view the interplay as mental health and creativity really tied to emotions. Ever since I was little I was very sensitive and able to access my emotions much more effectively than others, for better or worse. I experienced anxiety and depression early on which left me unable to focus or do well in school, but when it came to writing or performing I could reach an audience in extremely memorable ways. With mental illness, I was able to feel an overwhelming amount of fear, hope, anticipation, jubilation, etc that allowed me to see the world in a different way than others. At times it hindered me, but ultimately I'm grateful I could channel my intense emotions and share them with an audience.
You can't possibly feel creative all the time. What do you do to foster creativity and practice your craft even when you're not feeling it? Any tricks you've picked up to help you get out of your own way?
I definitely feed off inspiration and seeing others perform, good or bad, puts me in the mood to want to create. After I go to a storytelling show, its hard for me to wanna stay in my seat cause I'll immediately wanna go home and start writing. So immerse yourself in your craft and its community, it will only foster growth. Creativity also seems to creep up at the worst times. I've definitely been a victim of my creativity not letting me get a good nights sleep, so if you ever feel that creative itch while you are lying awake in bed when its already 3am, my advise is to get it out! Even if you have to wake up super early the next day, get out of bed and get that creativity out! You might be sleepy the next day at work, but if creativity calls you should answer it!
If you could suggest one thing for my readers to do to help them live their best life, what would that be?
Maintain balance. Being creative and overcoming mental illness can be a real polarity. The highs can be so high and the lows can be suuuuuuuper low. I really wrapped up my identity in being a comedian and let it take over parts and times of my life that should have been filled with loved ones, friends, family, or just having "me" time away from my persona of "comedian." But then there were times when I wasn't performing or writing and my creativity and imagination would manifest in other odds or not so convenient ways. It takes a while to find what works best for you but putting your self care and mental health came first for me.
Reach out to Laura here: facebook.com/denverstorytellersproject
"We don’t have anything in common anymore" PART TWO: Tell better stories!!
I listen to podcasts. A lot. Excessively.
I’ve listened to ones by comedians and ones about serial murderers. Ive listen to shows about athletes and shows about gamers. Ive listened to ones about rappers and one's about farmers. You get it.
So what makes those random podcasts interesting to me? It’s not that I relate to the day to day comings and goings of a rap star or farm hand. It’s not that I've actually played a first person shooter video game or done a triathlon. It’s that these podcasts tell good stories.
I say this because many people get trapped in this notion that "our relationship suffers because we have nothing in common." Some are trapped because they are not listening to the other person to see the human experiences of success, pain, and emotion in a story (see my last blog on listening). Others are trapped because they don't tell good stories.
From my years working with individuals and couples and from my voracious consumption of comedy, podcasts, movies, books, etc, I offer a few tips to connect better by telling better stories:
Show up. If you want to tell a good story, show up. Don't be talking while watching t.v. or checking Facebook or looking for who else is at the party that you can talk to. If you want others to be present and engaged listeners, be a present and engaged talker.
Know your audience and try to connect with them. Try and speak their language and use examples they might relate to as a way to illustrate your point. People generally like to feel like you're talking spontaneously to them and not doing the same canned monologue that you've been telling at every water cooler for the past year. They also probably don't like feeling lost or left behind when you only speak in jargon without humbly offering to educate them. When people feel seen as a unique listener and that you are invested in helping them follow your story, they are often more open to listening.
Check for understanding. Its cool to geek out on details and minutia. But if you're going to take a deep dive into a topic, make sure your conversation partner is keeping up. Ask "does that make sense?", "Did I lose you?", "Do you know what I mean?", "You picking up what I'm throwing down?"...well maybe not the last one. And don't shame or belittle your listener if they don't get it. They could have bull-shitted you but they cared enough to be honest and learn, so honor that.
Include a liberal amount of commentary and behind the scenes footage. People may not connect to how you're using a new code to work on the financial concerns of middle age men in Nebraska, but they may be interested in how you felt as you struggled to figure it out or the relief of completing it on time. Insights into the human experience behind the story, help connect. Authenticity is attractive in a speaker, so practice letting your guard down and speak from your heart.
Happy storytelling!!
Why do people have affairs?
Why do people have affairs?
If you ask people why they think other people have affairs, they think it’s about sex. They think that perhaps one person isn’t measuring up in the bedroom. It’s NOT about sex.
Affairs are about reconnecting with or newly discovering parts of yourself you have lost or parts you never knew existed. It’s an awakening of sorts. That’s what makes affairs so enticing and erotic. People who have affairs are constantly saying that they feel ALIVE again.
Most people who have affairs – emotional or physical – say that it is totally against their morals, values and ethics. But the carrot being dangled in front of them is too good to pass up. The carrot is like a magic pill to reinvigorate and reignite passion in themselves and in life.
And here’s the thing that most people don’t get…lots of people who have affairs are in what they call a happy marriage or partnership. That’s not true for everybody, but it is true for a lot of people.
For people really missing things in their life, they will find it fulfilled with an affair partner. Not being paid attention to? They’ll find it in another person. Not feeling needed, loved, heard, valued, seen? They’ll find it and be seduced by it because they are so starved for that one thing.
Affairs may take a long time to get over, or to move past. But it’s not at all impossible. In fact, while it is incredibly painful for the betrayed partner, some of them say it’s a huge wake up call and are extremely motivated to rescue and repair the marriage. It doesn’t mean that they aren’t angry, of course they are.
If you have had an affair or you suspect your partner is having an affair, this is not the end of your world. Let’s get each of you the tools and techniques needed to move beyond the betrayal and regain something better than you had before.
You don’t have to suffer by yourself! I specialize exclusively in relationships issues for couples and individuals and marital affairs. Let’s make your relationship what you have always wanted it to be….trustworthy, honest, safe, loving, fun and passionate. If you are ready for that, let’s talk today.
"We don't have anything in common any more": PART 1: Listen Better!!
You're outdoorsy and he's a gamer. Your mom has a new passion for cross-stitching and tennis and that’s all she talks about. Your office mate just hiked another 14er....again.
I've been hearing a lot from clients who are struggling with relating in their relationships. This is part of one of a two part series to help you (re)connect in relationships.
Part of the disconnect can be that you aren't listening, aren't listening well, or aren't listening to the connective material in the other person's story. Here are some tips to start listening better.
Show up. Like really show up. Be present. Eliminate, or at least minimize, distractions, and focus on listening.
Stay engaged (non verbals). Listening is not a passive, spectator sport. I'm sure you have had someone passively hear you while they are checking Facebook, people watching, randomly and dispassionately saying "uh-huh", or totally spacing out. And I'm sure you've had someone actually be there, hold space for your words and feelings, and actively engage in the conversation by listening. Do that.
Listen for understanding. Don't listen just for your opportunity to make a point. Not just to get in a jab or a punch line. Not to one up you or turn the conversation back to yourself. Listen for emotions. Listen for thoughts or reactions that give you a glimpse into the other’s life. Listen so the other person leaves feeling seen and known. Listen to others how you like others to listen to you.
Why bother!?!
It makes conversations more connective.
It can reduce conflict, sometimes people escalate in order to be heard
When people feel heard, they are likely to listen
It's kind and validating for the other person
Why not!?!
Happy listening!!
The Anatomy of an Argument: Step 6 - Give and Ask for Equal Regard
Brent Atkinson describes this step in the following terms. “Let your partner know that you’re willing to keep an open mind to the potential merit of their viewpoint. If a decision needs to be made, be willing to be flexible and attempt to find a middle ground.” He goes on to say that successful relationships operate like a democracy - every person gets one vote and every vote counts equally without having to prove why their reasoning is valid.
Researchers can’t always tell in an argument what success looks like while couples are going at it. Success sometimes shows up at the end of the argument. When 2 people are willing to give equal regard to their partner’s point of view, even if they staunchly disagree, that’s where the success lies.
When one person tries to diminish another’s feeling, priorities or opinions, they are standing on shakey ground. These aren’t facts, they are belief systems. Stop thinking that your beliefs are the best. The obviously perfect example is all over the news right now. Trump vs Hillary. Thank goodness when you go to the polls you won’t have to defend your pick! So stop putting your partner / spouse / best friend on the defensive, you won’t win. You are only building up resentment. Be a superstar and argue like a champ. THAT’S how you actually win.
If you are looking for couples counseling for you and your spouse, or couples counseling for one, we would love to help. Make an appointment today.
Be sure to check out steps 1-5 of Anatomy of an Argument.
When You Are Holding On Too Tight
The Book: Part Two
The book is complete…. I think. For those who missed it, I spoke in a previous blog about creating ‘the book’. For many in the adoption process, creating a scrapbook snapshot of your lives is how birth parents choose which potential adoptive parents they want to meet. This book can be the key to getting a baby, so it’s a big deal.
Creating the book, for me, was a bit agonizing. Normally, my husband is the perfectionist in our relationship, but in this case, I was the one obsessing over the details. I love to travel. Its an absolute passion in my life and I have so so lucky to have been to many amazing places. Therefore, any book about me is going to have to include talking about travelling. Normally, I’m more than happy to talk about anywhere I’ve been and all the places I still want to go. However, when trying to show this in the book, I was suddenly questioning everything. Here’s what happened in my brain: “What if the birth mother also loves to travel? I need to be sure to show that connection and put up fabulous pictures in from the pyramids in Egypt and Machu Picchu in Peru! She’ll love that!” But then: “wait, what if she hasn’t had the opportunity to travel? Maybe financially it’s not an option in her life and putting these pictures up will make me look disconnected from the hard reality of life and she’ll think I’m totally pretentious and don’t understand where she’s coming from. Ok, take those pictures off”. But then “But maybe she’ll wish her child will have the chance to travel that she never had. Put the pictures up” But then….. You get the picture.
So, with some advice from the owner of the adoption agency, I decided to just be as authentically myself as possible. All I can do is put it out there in the way that is the most true to who I am and who we are as a family and trust that the right person is out there. Turns out that this process feels a lot like dating. I recall some dates in my younger years when I would spend most of the night trying to figure out if I was acting right and saying the right things etc. Then I learned that if I wanted to meet the right person to be in my life, I needed that person to like me for exactly who I am, not someone I’m trying to. Turns out that’s true when adopting a baby also….
If you are looking to adopt, or have adopted in the past, and need someone to talk to about all of the emotions that come along with adopting, please come see me and we can work through it together.
More Than Just "Sober October"
Make Traffic Less Gross - Coping Skills for City Life
The Anatomy of an Argument: Step 5 - Offer Assurance with Flexibility
In Step 2 of Anatomy of an Argument, we look at avoiding a judgmental attitude when fighting with your partner. Step 2 is integral to Step 5 - offering assurance.
When you offer up assurance, the goal is to communicate to your partner that you are doing your best to keep an open mind. For lots of folks out there, this is insanely difficult because they think their way is just fine, no problem. The other person feels strongly about their position. You each have to figure out how to come to terms with the other’s place when neither of you are wrong but you still have a hard time tolerating the other’s perspective.
For example, my husband and I are polar opposites when it comes to privacy vs sharing on certain issues. I like to get counsel from friends and colleagues, he’s not into me doing this. He actually has a brilliant mind. But to my dissatisfaction, his mind instantly jumps to all the potential risks involved. I don’t mind risk, he craves certainty. This is an ongoing struggle. We typically come out of these arguments ok and with a better understanding of the other person and usually with a lot of sympathy going back and forth between us. But man it’s like clawing my way out of a hole sometimes.
When all's said and done and I have regained my emotional balance, I actually do see his point of view. I don’t like it, I don’t think like he does, but I accept that this is the way he is / has always been / most likely won’t ever change. Neither will I. Our task is to continually strive to let the other person just be and to learn to cope with our differences in more meaningful ways. It’s a never ending journey. Make it count.
Miscarriage - A Male's Perspective
It's Not You... It's the Pandemic
Psychologist Amy Cuddy and writer Jill Ellynn Riley recently identified something called “pandemic flux syndrome,” a non-clinical term used to describe the mess of feelings associated with pandemic-related changes to our everyday lives.
These feelings may take the form of blunted emotions, spikes in anxiety or depression, and maybe even a desire to make a drastic change in your life. If you tend towards anxiety you may have been tempted to make a major life change, like moving across the country or changing jobs. If you tend toward depression, this may have encouraged you to retreat more from the world. Sound familiar?
Here’s a little more biology behind why we (and our brains) are having such a hard time right now:
Our brains love predictability and certainty. We would rather be in a worse situation with a predictable end than be in a slightly better situation with an unknown end. We do not know when the pandemic will “end” or when our lives will return to “normal” or anything resembling it.
Your brain is not very good at predicting what will make you happy. We commit these “forecasting errors” all the time by believing that something will make us happier for longer than it actually does. We might have been fooled into thinking that partially lifting restrictions or finally seeing family and friends would have made us significantly more happy than it actually has.
We have depleted what is known as our “surge capacity,” which is our mental and physical ability to adapt to acutely stressful situations. At this point in the pandemic, we have been in fight, flight, or freeze mode for 18+ months, which is something that our brains are not used to processing.
Our brains are not designed to live in a long-term state of emergency. When you’re still in middle of an emergency, you don’t have the mental space to process what you have been through. We are still trying to make sense of all the loss we have experienced over the last year and half and haven’t had time to process our individual or collective grief.
So how do we deal? Here are some tips for navigating these types of feelings:
If you’re feeling anxious or impulsive, take a step back to reconsider. Talk to someone you trust before making a big decision.
Set boundaries with the amount of information you take in. It is tempting to obsess over case and vaccination rates, but it is unlikely to make you feel better because it likely to change. Be mindful of what you give your attention.
Focus on smaller things you can control and plan things you can do. Consider what you have power over. You may not be able to control what the pandemic is doing, but you can control how you react to it all. Make time for self-care, which includes physical and mental wellness.
Ask yourself what you need and try to find it. Some of your normal activities may still be limited but use a little creativity to come up with a new solution. Utilize the resources you have.
Stop asking yourself when it will be over or when things will go back to the way they were before. The COVID-19 virus is here to stay for the foreseeable future, and we all have to adjust and start living in this new “normal,” as unpredictable as it is.
Know that you are not alone. Be kind to yourself and others. We are all experiencing (hopefully) this once in a lifetime event and trying to adjust as we go. Somewhere out there someone else is probably feeling something similar. Remember that human beings are resilient beyond our understanding and that any response you are having is okay and valid.
If you are struggling beyond using these tips for help, I would love to talk you through some of your feelings associated with Pandemic Flux Syndrome. Reach out to me today or book a session below.
The Anatomy of an Argument: Step 4 - Finding the Underlying Needs, Values and Worries
When we are arguing with a spouse, in the heat of the moment it’s so hard to do anything but concentrate on OUR needs and the outcome WE want. That needs to change ASAP. In step three of the Anatomy of an Argument series, we learn to identify the underlying needs, values and worries of our mate.
When we assume that our partner’s reasons for wanting something a certain way are stupid or make no sense, we aren’t making room in the argument for the possibility that they actually have valid concerns or worries. If your partner’s reasons aren’t making any logical sense to you, take a step back and get curious, ask questions. Ask if there is a fear that they haven’t disclosed. Ask if there is an influence behind their argument that is steering them in one direction.
You also need to get clear on your underlying needs, values and worries. Don’t just put up a fight because you think you are more right or that your way is best. Remember that most often you two just have a difference in opinion. If you two can come together to discover each other’s needs, you will be solidly more empathic towards one another.
A few years ago my husband and I got into an argument because I said something to his mother that he asked me not to. It was a complete accident, I forgot that he had made that request (which at the time I thought was so stupid!!!) So by the end of the argument, he was finally able to explain to me that I had actually shamed him. EWWWW, that felt terrible to me. The clearer you can be from the get-go, the better.
When you find yourself in a fight with your partner, put on your Sherlock Holmes hat and start digging around. You will be far more productive if you can help each other figure out the underlying needs, values and worries. I would love to hear if any of you can conjure up some stories from your own life where you didn’t do this. What happened and what do you wish you had done differently? Please share!
Something THIS bad?
Today a client asked me if I have ever dealt with “something this bad” in my practice. Her marriage is in a shambles in ways that frankly are hard to imagine. To her, it’s worse than any horror movie. I told her that I’ve never seen her exact situation, but I’ve had all the pain in the world in my practice from different clients in too many situations to count. So the question is not about judging the extent of the “badness”. The question is have I ever seen this much pain. The answer will always be “yes”.
Part of her question asks about a “degree of pain marker” to be put on situations. The first time I realized I couldn’t put a measurement on the degree of emotional pain was when my son was in the NICU for three and a half months. He was born three and a half months early. I would get comments that people could relate because their child was born 4 weeks early. I came to the conclusion that if your worst event in your whole life was your child being 4 weeks early and it scared the living shit out of you, then who am I to say mine was worse? We were equally scared shitless.
Don’t compare your pain or life situation to anything else. You pain is your pain no matter what anybody else thinks. If your partner does or says things that are belittling and mean according to you, then they are belittling and mean. I have clients from the east coast who can talk to each other in ways that would make my mid-west clients lose their mind. The point is that if you have a feeling or an emotion or a pain, it’s real and it’s ok.
The other point is that yes, you can move beyond it if you want, but you don’t have to. If what happened is the straw that broke the camel’s back, then it’s broken. If you want to try everything and anything to repair it, then let’s go for it. Just don’t feel like you have to do what all your friends say because they don’t think your pain or your situation is that bad. Your wound might not be big to them, but to you, your heart has been ripped out. Pay attention to your feelings, to your grief and to your needs.
I have seen pain, I have felt sad and hurt. I am here to help you get through what ever level of “bad” you are experiencing. Call and make an appointment today.
An Emotional Family Tree
I like to make emotions, thoughts, and feelings tangible for my clients. One of the ways I do this is by creating a genogram. Think of a family tree but with emotions, events and patterns instead of pictures. A good genogram provides a rich history of family nuances. They help explain how patterns and problems evolve and why they are often repeated through the generations.
During couples counseling, we talk about the merging of 2 cultures. That’s true if you are from the same small town or from different countries. Every person grows up in their own unique culture that often clashes with how their partner grew up. If you grew up in a small southern town, you might be a polite person who is sensitive to social norms. If you grew up in a fiery tempered Italian family, you might have a loud arguing family who lets the tempers flare and then regroups immediately with no ill will. Pairing people from these different worlds often causes some relationship issues. But when we are able to map out the family structure on both sides, it becomes clear to both partners why the other acts like they do. We get clarity but also understanding and acceptance.
The genogram has a myriad of different uses. Monica McGoldrick, in her book Genogrmas: Assessment and Intervention, notes the many uses genograms serve:
-to elicit family narratives and expand cultural stories
-to reframe and detoxify family legacies
-to discover unique strengths and resources
-to look at key family or personal events that were life changing
-to sensitize clinicians to systemic issues
-to uncover sources of current dysfunction
-to find sources of resilience
-to place the current issue in the context of the family evolutionary patterns
The list really goes on and on. The genogram shows patterns vertically and horizontally. They expand your mind to see multiple patterns at the same time and how they impact one another. Family patterns not only grow from past generations, but, according to Goldrick, via larger social structures like religion, politics, gender, race, ethnicity, socioeconomic status, schooling, etc.
Genograms are fascinating. They are colorful and have lines and symbols drawn all over them to depict emotions and events. I once made a genogram in one of my drawing programs for a couple I was counseling. It turned out to be about 5 feet wide and 2 feet high. We went back multiple generations. They wanted to stop the generational abuse from showing up in their children’s lives. When we put it all out on paper, they were amazed. After about 6 months of working together, they moved away from all those negative habits.
If you have a complicated relationship or situation, examining your family through a genogram might shed a ton of light on the issue and help you solve it faster. We keep gigantic sticky notes in the office and lots of colored pens to make the genogram a fun and enlightening experience. Please call us today so we can map out your history!