That's Not Paleo

The paleo diet is about getting back to doing things how our ancestors did them. Great concept, but, thanks to marketing and bro-science, it may have led some people astray.

Just like with the Paleo diet, I believe we should be mindful of eating processed, packaged foods. I think we should be thoughtful about eating nutrient dense foods and not just eat whatever hyper-palatable shit pops up in front of our face. But at the same time, I don’t think we need to be food phobic and weigh and measure food, including every grain of quinoa, count every calorie we consume, and eat exactly the same meals day after day. That’s not what the cavemen did. They didn’t prove worth or exert control by being restrictive or disciplined with food and they probably didn’t freak out about how a night of consuming bear, berries, and beer around the campfire would fit into their prescribed macros. Cavemen  ate to survive and have energy to do tasks. They ate communally and were grateful for food.

I also believe in a healthy exercise regimen. I think we should move around, run, and lift heavy things to stay healthy and fit. Cavemen did those things to provide food and shelter and to play, not to punish themselves,  to compensate for the food they ate, or to compete to the point of injury. They probably didn’t say "well, my garmin says I ran five miles at 10mph yesterday to catch that deer, so today I have to run at least that far and I need to run it faster."

Several of the clients that see me for eating disorder therapy reported their eating disorder started innocently, in the name of going paleo. It then blossomed and was concealed in the context of restrictive diets and excessive crossfit workouts. Without a solid sense of self we can find identity in diet and lifestyle trends. Without mindfulness and ability to trust our intuition we can fall prey to relying on rigid rules, restrictions and regulations. The Paleo diet goes bad when we focus on  "WHAT cavemen did" and forget  "WHY caveman did it". They did it probably for two reasons: 1. Survival and 2. Community. If your diet and exercise are not helping you live your best life and connect with your family and community, it might be worth looking at it and asking yourself "what would a caveman do?"

If you are struggling with an eating disorder, or think you might be on the brink of an eating disorder, call us and we can help you work through it.

Can you handle this crazy??

I wanted to share a recent interview I heard regarding relationships.  I heard it on the podcast This American Life.  This episode is about people making bad choices so I was surprised when the epilogue started talking about marriage.   The host, Ira Glass, is speaking with author Alain De Button.  Button’s argues that many of us enter into marriage in all the wrong ways.  He reflects to us that we expect one person to be our best friend, lover, cohabitant, emotional support system and financial partner.  When you look at it that way, it seems so silly that we expect one person to be all those things and to do so without ever upsetting the other.  After all, you’re supposed to marry the love of your life, the most perfect person ever and live happily ever after.  When you go into marriage with those expectations, how can ever expect to succeed?  Button’s viewpoint is a very pragmatic, arguably very dark stance on love and marriage.  But I have to admit, I think he’s really on to something here….. My husband and I were in the car together listening to the podcast.  When we heard Mr Button’s ideas and examples, we both laughed…. A lot! Button suggests that when you marry someone, you have to be aware of and willing to put up with their ‘crazy’.  Everyone has some crazy and when you live with a person, you learn about their crazy pretty quickly.  Raise your hand if you know you’re crazy.  Put it another way, raise your hand if you know that something you do would drive another person you live with crazy. The question is, can you handle their specific brand of crazy, and what’s more, can you still love them through it?  The entire podcast is an hour long, but Alain De Button’s portion is only the first 5 minutes.  Give it a listen here. Do you agree with him?

If you need to talk through your crazy, or your spouse's crazy, give us a call! We can't wait to hear what kind of crazy you are going through.

The Book: Part 1

For many people who are looking to adopt a baby, creating your personal book is part of that process.  For those who haven’t had to do so, the book is like a scrapbook snapshot of your life.  Nowadays, most people use internet photo services to upload photos, add descriptions and print out hard copies. Then, these books are shared with birth mothers who use them to help match up birthparents and adoptive parents.

My husband and I are in the process of creating our book right now.  When I first heard about these books, I was  excited.  I thought it would be fun to look through old photos and share the story of our lives with others.  However, now that I’m in the middle of it, it’s really quite daunting.  With the agency that I am working with, these books are shown to the birth mothers who have most of the control when it comes to the matching process.  I like this model and I agree with the reasoning behind it; however, it is also the reason that I have about 20 pages to try to convince a total stranger that she should give me her child… her CHILD!  I’ve found this process to also make me feel very vulnerable.

How do you display seven years of a relationship in way that makes you look loving, caring, responsible, etc.  Additionally, how do we make ourselves stand out from other couples who are also just as deserving of this amazing gift?  Are we likeable? Seem pretentious? Not good enough? Generic and exactly like every other couple? I’m suddenly regretting never having gotten into the scrapbooking fad! I love my life.  I think we’re pretty great.  But honestly, in Colorado, everyone loves to hike, ski and has at least one adorable dog so how I can get us to be THE ONES?  So now I have a pile of photos, some other books to use as references, no idea what to do next… An update to follow when the book is completed.

If you are looking to adopt, or have adopted in the past, and need someone to talk to about all of the emotions that come along with adopting, please come see me and we can work through it together.

Groundhog Day, How to Not Do Things Over and Over

You've probably seen the movie Groundhog Day where Bill Murray keeps repeating the day over and over and over.  If you are doing this in your life, whether at work, home or with family, here are some things to consider.

If you have a habit that isn't serving you, get yourself a new one.  For example, if you find yourself being defensive constantly, you need to switch it up.  Instead of remaining in your defensive posture, try to take in what the other person is saying as information and not an attack.  You might tell the other person that you know you have a pattern of getting defensive and that you are trying to get out of that cycle.  If they hear you coming from a place of invitation to discuss and not a stance of defensiveness, you might find yourself having a totally different interaction.  Remember that they are used to you pushing back and possibly not being open minded.

This might be tough at first especially if the other person stays stuck in their routine of attack and blame.  If this happens, try to remain calm and always remember that if you can focus on your own reactions, you will help manage the other person.  You are trying to shift the way things have been going for months, but most likely years.  Be patient with yourself and the other person.

Habits solidify over time, not overnight.  Give yourself and your partner time to adjust and don't give up.  Like I always say, you don't walk into the gym and come out with a six pack stomach.  You need to practice new skills on a daily basis until it becomes a habit.  Once you get the habit into muscle memory, it becomes so much easier.

If you need help breaking up with your habits, or learning how to switch it up, we are here for you. Schedule an appointment today.

How Homework in Couples Counseling Helps Clients Connect

“Your scars are beautiful”

I have couples do weekly homework assignments.  They don’t take long and they are fun.  I explain to couples that just like going to the gym to build up biceps, reconnection doesn’t happen after one visit.  To build the emotional muscles in your brain, you need to exercise them consistently.  Here’s one of the coolest / loveliest / most darling responses to one of the questions asked that I have ever heard.

The statement to reply to is… “I am physically attracted to my partner.  Name one physical attribute you are attracted to.”

He said “I am attracted to so many things about you.  But the things I am most attracted to are your scars.  Your scars are beautiful.  I know what each of them means, I know what how each of them happened.”  These scars – some are small, some are pretty visible – like the one where the tracheotomy was in her neck – have a very intense story behind them.  What could be painful and awkward for her became powerful and intensely meaningful for each of them.  It’s a connection that only they have.

The smallest questions lead to profound answers neither one could ever guess would actually be spoken or written.  Couples therapy isn’t just about clearing the current crisis, it’s about reaching down deep to those astonishing and lovely insights.

I haven’t met a couple yet where AWESOME answers weren’t a part of the process.  If you or your spouse / partner want to uncover some of these touching insights, please get in touch with me and let’s get to work.  And yes, even my really angry couples have those moments where the walls begin to come down after going through these exercises.  EVERYBODY has hope and potential.

At Colorado Couples and Family Therapy, we have use many different resources and couples counseling techniques to aid you in your therapy journey. We are looking forward to working with you! Contact us today.

Back to School Basics: Let's Get Physical

Here’s a challenge: pick a fitness goal for this month for you and your partner.

Maybe you join a gym, sign up for a race, learn a new sport, find new hiking spots, join a local recreational sports league. Sky's the limit!

Potential benefits include (but aren’t limited to):

1. Stress reduction and confidence boosting. Who doesn’t want a more chill and more empowered partner!?!

2. Team building by having a common goal. Instead of being roommates or adversaries, join forces to meet a goal.

3. Infusing novelty and excitement into your routine and relationship. Novelty makes our brains feel good and keeps us happy and in the moment. A fitness challenge is a fun way to spice things up together.

4. More opportunity to be physically together and bond by sharing experiences, supporting each other through challenges, and lots of sweaty hugs!

Get out there and get physical!

Adoption Camp, Part 3

There was another camper who has really stayed with me since camp, let’s call this one Caitlyn. She was there with two siblings.  When her mom brought her to our group on the first day she told me that Caitlyn was born via an egg donor and that they tell her she is partly adopted.  Her two siblings are adopted and sometimes Caitlyn feels different because she has a different story.  Caitlyn jumped right in with the group.  She was outgoing and fun and seemed to be having a great time at camp.

In the middle of the second day, we had an opportunity to sit with the kids and talk about what it meant to be adopted and asked the kids to identify any feelings they had around being adopted. All of the kids raised their hands except for Caitlyn.  Most of the kids told their story about what they knew about their birth parents and how they ended up in their adopted families.  Most said that they were sad that they were adopted.  One of the counselors asked the kids to raise their hands if they were adopted.  I was surprised when Caitlyn also raised her hand and told the other kids about coming from an egg donor and that she doesn’t know anything about the woman who donated the egg and that was sad for her.  All of the kids listened and no one had a reaction.  As soon as she was done, the next kid anxiously started to tell their story.  As soon as we moved on to the arts and crafts portion of the activity, Caitlyn asked to speak to me in the hallway.  She started to cry and said she was uncomfortable.  I asked her to tell me more about what she was feeling.  She said she felt different than the other kids and wished she was adopted too.  She said she hated being different from her siblings and that they didn’t understand how she felt.  I wanted to tell her that every kid in that room would someday be envious of the fact that she was birthed by the woman she calls mom and that her situation was closer to typical.  Of course, those were my judgments so I didn’t say anything of the kind to her.  What I told her was that every person has something that makes them different.  Everyone has something in their lives that makes them feel like they don’t really fit in or don’t belong to one group or another.  She looked at me like I was crazy, then got quiet to think about that for a bit.

I’ve continued to think about Caitlyn since camp often.  Caitlyn seemed to have it all at 8 years old.  She had two parents who loved her very much, she lived in a wealthy neighborhood in Denver, and from what I could see at 8, she was bound to closely resemble Barbie as an adult.  Yet, from her perspective, she was different and strange and had a sad story that made her not likeable.  She craved to be accepted and the same as her peers.  In her house and at adoption camp, being the same meant being adopted and that’s what she wished she had.  

If your child is having similar thoughts and feelings as Caitlyn did, please consider family therapy. We will focus on helping you and your child navigate the sea of emotions that come with adoption or surrogacy, depending on your situation. I look forward to hearing from you!

Kate

Dream Big

I have a friend who's doing her first 100 mile ultra marathon race this weekend. While this doesn't appeal to me, I'm in awe of the audacity to try to do 100 miles. I don't even like driving 100 miles! But that's beside the point. The point is, she has a goal that a lot of people, including herself at one point, thought was impossible. Actually, she has entered shorter races and not been able to finish. There is no concrete evidence that she will finish this race. And yet she persists. She's daring to dream and risk failing in order to reach her goal.

I have another friend who is hell bent on qualifying for the Boston Marathon. He needs a time that's faster than he's ever run a marathon before and he keeps having injuries pop up and interrupt his training. He recently got injured to the point of having to stop running for a month. But he's doing the rehab, reworking his training plan, and simply rescheduling his qualifying race. He persists. Hes daring to dream and risk failing in order to reach his goal.

While I may not want to run far or fast, I am challenged by my friends to dream big, push my limits, put my ego to the side and declare goals to my friends even if I may not reach them immediately. When I want to take the easy way or temper my goals with self limiting thoughts and fear, I think of them and push past what I think is possible. If she can run 100 miles, I can finish these notes, tolerate traffic, or climb a 14er. If he can try to qualify for Boston, I can write a book or plan a dream vacation.

You may not have athletic performance goals. Maybe you want to communicate better with your partner, start a new work venture, perform at an open mic, recover from an eating disorder, work through trauma, whatever. It’s important to acknowledge your audacious goal, find inspiration around you, and take the leap. You never know, you may end up being someone else's inspiration!

....You Might Be Codependent

In couples therapy, I often encounter codependent relationship dynamics. A person may arrive at codependency for a variety of reasons and from a variety of circumstances, but here's a list to help reader's awareness and curiosity. Being a goofy comedy nerd, I wrote it in the style of Jeff Foxworthy’s “you might be a redneck" bit.

If you grew up in a house that was chaotic (addiction, abuse, contentious divorce, trauma)...you might be codependent.

If you grew up with at least one family member who demanded a lot of attention (either narcissism, special needs, highly emotional)...you might be codependent.

If you were parentified as a child (caretaker or given too much developmentally inappropriate information)...you might be codependent.               

If your reality either wasn't talked about or was invalidated (ie. There was addiction that wasn't discussed. You were told that you were too sensitive when you expressed emotion, you were straight up told not to feel something)...you might be codependent.   

If you relate to any of these, we are here to help. Call or email today.

Adoption Camp, Part 2

As I mentioned in part 1 of this blog, when the kids arrived at camp, they each came with some information regarding behavioral issues and diagnoses.  As a social worker, I have always found diagnostics fascinating.  The list that arrived with the campers included Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (duh.  Put twelve kids together and you’re bound to have one kid with ADHD),  Bi-polar disorder, difficulty interacting with other kids, immaturity, and finally, Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD).  When I saw those letters, ODD, listed next to a little seven year old girl’s name, let’s call her Susie, my heart jumped a little.  ODD is not a common diagnosis and I had never worked with anyone diagnosed with it, that I knew of anyway.  Considering I was already concerned about getting all these kids through the weekend unscathed, this was like throwing a wrench right into any ideas I had about things going smoothly.

The symptoms of Oppositional Defiant Disorder can make people quick to become angry and lose their temper.  They often have issues with authority figures and will act out in a defiant manner.  They can be spiteful, vindictive, and purposefully try to annoy others.  Upon learning that one of my sweet little campers had ODD, I was terrified thinking about the difficulties that were coming my way.  I envisioned a little child running wild in every direction, screaming mercilessly, and doing everything in their power to disrupt all of the other kids around her.

When Susie arrived, I thought for sure I had read the manifest wrong and it must be some other little terrorist with the diagnosis.  Susie was quiet and just stood near me looking around at the other kids.  Regardless, I kept one eye on her, just waiting for something unruly to happen.  As the day progressed, Susie was just a delight.  She talked to me regularly, politely asking to be able to play this game or have her turn at the juggling.  She wanted to hold my hand and sit next to me in circle.  Sometimes I would look over at her and would just be looking up at me with a sweet smile on her face.  Early in the first afternoon, poor Susie was stung by a bee.  I didn’t even know it had happened until she walked up to me and pulled on my pant leg with tears in her eyes.  For the next hour she just wanted to sit on a bench with me and watch the other kids.  Throughout the whole weekend, she had her ups and downs, just like every kid in the group.  By the end I just adored this little girl and was so thrilled that she was in my group.

Susie was a gift to me.  She was a wonderful reminder to never let a person’s diagnosis define them.  Never see a person for a label.  It might be a part of who they are, but it’s never more than that.  

If you have a an adopted child with or without behavioral issues and are looking for family therapy, please give me a call. I would love to talk to you and your chosen family.

Making the Best Out of Life's Transitions

Life transitions can throw us off our game at times and we can start to feel unsettled and experience a spike in stress levels.

For instance, you just graduated, started a new job, moved to a new place and feel like finding a new grocery store will be the end of the world. Everything feels so different. Maybe you’re feeling disconnected or missing your old routines, even the ones you didn’t enjoy so much at the time. At least you could rely on some familiarity, right? What now?

Here are a few small but meaningful ways you can shift your mindset to ease into a life transition, make the best out of it, and take care of yourself while you do it.

Make Meaning

Transitions can be difficult, and they can also be wonderful if you look around. Moving in with your partner can offer new opportunities for connection. Starting a new job can lead you to connect with people you never would have met or learn a cool new skill. Kiddos transitioning to all-day Kindergarten can give you the opportunity to discover a hobby you love.

Create New

At times, we can get stuck doing the same things day by day, week by week. Life transitions can provide great opportunities to shake up your routine. Try to open yourself up to at least one new experience or exciting addition to your week, such as exploring a new park each weekend or tackling a project around the fixer-upper you just bought.

Increase Your Compassion

It can feel frustrating trying to get used to a new routine or life situation, and that frustration can lead us to put ourselves down or begin to mistreat those around us. Next time you experience this, try reminding yourself that you are in an overwhelming transition and engage in self-compassion. Take time to breathe, put the situation into perspective, and remember that you are capable of coping. 

If you feel like you are struggling with a life transition, we are here for you. Reach out with any questions you might have about what a session would look like for you, or book a session today.

Adoption Camp, Part 1

A few weeks ago I had the pleasure of volunteering at a weekend long camp for families with adopted kids.  The camp started on a Thursday evening with opening ceremonies and concluded on a Sunday morning.  The camp was attended by about 50 families, all of whom had chosen to adopt a child domestically within the United States.  While this was my first time attending the camp, most of the families had been attending for many years and look forward to returning for many more.  Some families lived locally and some travelled across the country to attend.  Kids were broken up into groups based on age and assigned to counselors.  I, along with two other volunteers, was assigned to the 7 and 8 year olds.  There were 12 adopted kids in our group.  Some of the kids knew each other from previous years and were comfortable jumping right into the rhythm of things.  Others, like me, were new and nervous about what to expect.  I had an image in my mind of what a camp counselor should be.  Someone who is just a natural with kids.  Someone who the kids would instantly cling too and never want to leave their side.  Someone who could come up with super fun, age appropriate games and activities at the drop of a hat and all the kids would cheer.  I was very aware, that none of those described me.  I was really nervous that the kids wouldn’t like me and I would be a camp counselor dud.  While I attended summer camps as a child, I never made the leap to counselor like my sister did.  So at 33 years old, I was returning to camp.  Along with general nerves, each kid came with a short bio: name, age, where they live, behavioral issues, and diagnoses.  More to come on this in part 2.  While I entered the adventure with no confidence in myself, I should have had confidence that kids would be kids.  While a couple stayed on the outskirts with trepidation, most of the kids joined in excitedly.  Before I had memorized all of their names, they were fighting over who got to hold my hand while walking to the next activity.  

Adoption camp was amazing!  The kids participated in a circus, learning how to tumble, juggle, and do magic tricks.  There were arts and crafts, board games, a scavenger hunt, tag, and even some time to sit together and talk about what it means to be adopted.  By the end of the first day, I was truly exhausted.  I went home with a newfound appreciation for school teachers.  I simply do not know how they do it every single day.  I wasn’t sure how I was going to get through day 2! The experience was rewarding in many ways and I plan to volunteer again at another camp next year.

Back to School Basics: Timeouts

In most relationships, emotions can get real hot real quick. We say something hurtful. Our partner hurls a hurtful attack back. And on it goes. Not only feelings get hurt, but relationships are hurt and foundational trust is ruptured.

A quick, basic strategy to stop hemorrhaging, buy time, and not make things worse, is to establish a safe word. This is a word you say to signifying that you are hitting pause, taking space, and interrupting the hurt spiral. The word can be anything. I had one couple who said "muskrat." It’s hilarious, and because it’s hilarious, it helped diffuse hot conflicts. Hard to yell and laugh at the same time.But lately, I have been a fan of using "ouch" as the diffusing word. It’s a little more accurate, a little more vulnerable and true (often anger is a secondary emotion to hurt), and it can soften the interaction.

From that point, take an hour and reassess. If you're still too heated to talk, say so. "Hey, im not ready. This is important, but I’m still to heated to communicate effectively. Lets check back in in an hour." That second part is important because often one person can feel anxious or abandoned by the space. Or couples can hit pause and not return to the conflict which only leads to festering, undealt-with, emotions. This strategy should be agreed upon ahead of time so that both parties can agree upon the words and the terms and what the intention is behind hitting pause. This may need some experimentation and tweaking as you go, but is worth a try to start to help you get unstuck from ineffective and hurtful communication patterns.

Need help getting started with this practice? Need help in other areas of your relationship? We can help. Call us today and start rebuilding your relationship.

“Check Engine”: A Journey in Radical Acceptance

I often talk to my clients about this concept called “radical acceptance.” It’s initially confusing and people sometimes have some complaints about the whole idea of it. Acceptance has a connotation of liking something or agreeing with it or not doing anything about it. “It is what it is” is both invalidating and not what I mean by “radical acceptance”. It’s a passive stance and leaves people feeling disempowered or angry in an “if I accept it, the terrorists win” kind of way.

In DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) we look at having two opposites coexist. With radical acceptance, we notice that once something/someone is accepted, it frees up the possibility of change (change the situation, change our thoughts, change our behaviors, etc.). But this paragraph is just theoretical happy horse shit, so here’s a lame but effective example of using radical acceptance.

When my “check engine” light comes on, I practice radical acceptance. I acknowledge that it’s on, I even acknowledge that I’m frustrated or annoyed or inconvenienced, and then I take my car to the mechanic to get it fixed. Acknowledging the problem frees me up to effectively fix the situation.

It would not be effective for me to…

1.    See that the “check engine” light is on, pull over, kick my car, slash the tires, find the nearest cliff and push my car off of it. After all, my car is obviously a piece of shit, it thought this was the perfect car but it’s just like all the rest, I’m over it, I hate it.

But now I don’t have a car and have a real pickle on my hands when I have to tell the insurance company what happened.

OR

2.    See that the “check engine” light is on, and ignore it. Light? What light!?! I don’t see a light. It’s fine. My car’s fine. Runs fine now. Everything is fine.

But then my engine melts after a while from not having enough oil, which is a much bigger (and more expensive) pain in the ass than an oil change.

These examples are a big dramatic, but we do these ineffective strategies all the time. Catastrophizing, black and white thinking, judgement, and lack of acceptance leads to emotion fueled behavior that causes more suffering.  Maybe I run from a relationship after the first disagreement or I berate myself when I feel sad, or I binge after I eat an extra cookie. Ignoring it doesn’t make the problem go away either, and actually makes the problem worse. Maybe I ignore my sore throat and it turns into walking pneumonia, or I brush aside my anger at my spouse for texting while we were in the middle of a conversation, or I don’t say anything even though I notice my best friend has been drinking a lot more lately.

Life’s obviously a lot more complicated that car maintenance. And at the same time, practice is practice. Start practicing acknowledging how you think or feel and what’s going on around you. Try to do this without judgment, without pushing situations away and without clinging to them. Then look for the space that creates to make effective change. It’s all a practice and you’re worth practicing.

If you are struggling with practicing radical acceptance or struggling with what you find, we’re here to help. Get in touch via email, or by phone 818.919.2253

Ladies, Put Yourself FIRST!

I know this is a generalization, however I see this all the time in my office and I am also guilty of it.  As moms, friends, daughters, wives, etc, we tend to put others before ourselves on a consistent basis. WHY?!?!?!?  

This is honestly a struggle for me since I have the helper gene nailed down pretty hard.  But the truth is when I put myself first, life is so much better.  I am able to attend to the others in my life with purpose.  I am more focused, more intentional, better attuned to them because I have taken care of myself and my needs.  I am not off in my head trying to figure out my next moves for dinner, laundry, my business, friends, family, etc.

Try it for one small day or half the day.  Make it all about you and see what happens.  I am very aware that when I am not first, things get chaotic and messy.  For example, I am writing this while staring at a basket of clean laundry that has been sitting there for 2 days.  My sink is full of dishes.  Those things can wait because right now, my personal life and my business projects are taking priority.  I literally decided the other day that I am focusing on 3 things: personal health, business health and family health.  Everything else is now on hold.  There is a lot on hold.  So many projects, books and shiny objects screaming for my attention.  If I let myself get sidetracked, then I get anxious.  Focusing on my top three is my new priority and it feels so much better. Take a look at my Self Care tip for ideas.  If you need help making yourself a priority, pick up the phone and call us.  We can do this journey together!

Too Busy to Feel

I come by it honestly. My Dad was a well-intentioned workaholic and my Mom both loses and finds herself in helping others. I’m good at staying busy. It’s brought some amazing adventures, a sense of confidence and independence, and varied nerdy interests and intellectual pursuits.

But what happens when life slows down and gives you more time than you know how to fill? If you’re me, you panic! The panic goes in waves (the waves calm when the smallest bit of distraction helps me avoid the darkness that my fear tells me is looming in the distance, waiting to pounce if I slow down enough for it to catch me). I didn’t think I actively avoided being still, but at the same time I certainly wasn’t comfortable in it and had created patterns and habits that kept me from finding an uncomfortable amount of it. But those patterns of staying busy had been changed and weren’t available and I got scared.

Oh, and to further normalize aversion to stillness, I’m a therapist! I’m supposed to like this shit! I’m into mindfulness and stillness and emotions and all that uncomfy stuff. Wasn’t I supposed to start a prolonged state of levitating bliss when I got my MFT license!?!

So I did what any enlightened person does…I judged myself, I denied my feelings, and I found new ways to get busy again. Until I hit a brick wall and got buried under feelings of depression and anxiety. Until I started crying at small, seemingly random things. Until I struggled to get out of bed. Until I was with my favorite people doing my favorite things and still felt numb because disconnecting from painful emotions had disconnected me from the more fun ones as well.

Begrudgingly, I took my own dumb advice and leaned into the stillness. I got really intentional about keeping up my yoga practice, meditating, listening to music, journaling, letting myself lay in bed and cry if I felt like it. I got intentional about being curious about my thoughts and feelings and simply observing and labeling what I saw.  At that time, what I found, was loneliness. In hindsight, all my previous busy-ness that had been an effort to avoid feeling lonely had kept me from connecting to others, mostly because I hadn’t been connecting to myself.  Without truly seeing my emotions and loneliness, I had not been effective in helping myself feel better because you can’t fix a problem you refuse to identify. Once I got in touch with my loneliness I was able to take action to connect to friends and family, connect more meaningfully to activities, and, most importantly, connect to myself.

This stuff isn’t magic. I still had times (and currently have time…let’s be real, this stuff is part of life and still happens) when I missed people or was bored. And those times hurt, but I find myself practicing being more open to acknowledging that hurt rather than running from it. I firmly believe that being separated from others is painful, but being separated from yourself is suffering.

I encourage you to join me in this practice of daily slowing down enough to see yourself. It’s a scary idea and takes a lot of bravery. And it’s worth it. You’re worth it.

If you’re struggling with overwhelming emotions, we’re here to help.  Get in touch via our website www.coloradocft.com, email, or phone 818.919.2253