Gaslighting in Adult Relationships

Gaslighting has become a common phrase in today’s world, but it can be used in ways that are not exactly gaslighting. So, how do you know if you are being gaslit?

What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is basically crazy making. It typically happens in abusive relationships, relationships where one (or both) partner has an addiction, or if one partner has narcissistic tendencies. It can be a defense strategy (he says "I wasn’t drunk", when he obviously was), a form of manipulation ("I'm worried about you. I hope you haven't told anyone, they'll think you're crazy"), or a result of limited attunement or empathy ("you're just being sensitive"). Sometimes it's blatant. Sometimes it's more tricky to spot. Either way, it has an impact on your health and vitality and is a pattern that needs attention and effort to change.

Because one effect is lack of trust in your perceptions, if you’re being gaslighted, you may be second guess if you’re actually being gaslighted. Here’s a list by Robin Stern, PhD to help.

Signs you may be being gaslighted:                        

• You are constantly second-guessing yourself.

• You start to question if you are too sensitive.

• You often feel confused and have a hard time making simple decisions.

• You find yourself constantly apologizing.

• You can’t understand why you’re so unhappy.

• You often make excuses for your partner’s behavior.

• You feel like you can’t do anything right.

• You often feel like you aren’t good enough for others.

• You have the sense that you used to be a more confident, relaxed and happy person. You withhold information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain things                               

If you suspect your partner, or someone else in your life, is gaslighting you, we are here to help. Get in touch and start getting help today. 

New Year, Meh You

Anyone else noticing a serious funk going around? Maybe you're in it too. Tired. Unmotivated. Fatigued. Bored. Maybe even downright depressed. The hope and expectations of a "new year, new year" vibe can add salt to the wound. But we're still in the trenches with COVID and political turmoil. And the holidays had an added tension with navigating a special time that’s usually spent with family but while under the restrictions of social distancing. Plus, whatever stuff is going on that’s specific to you. It makes sense that a lot of us have a big old case of "not feeling it"!

So, what to do?

Acknowledge Your Funk with as Little Judgement as Possible

Don't deny it or judge it. It's understandable. And it's not wholly unique to you. You're not alone.  Then, let's control what we can control. Let's start with your physical wellbeing. If your body feels like shit, how can you expect to be super stoked on life? So, I'm talking about managing food, water and exercise. Try limiting drugs and alcohol that may provide momentary relief but increase lethargy, anxiety, and depression (including caffeine, nicotine, and excessive sugar). Try to maintain a sleep routine. Get sunshine daily. Take a few moments each day to breathe deeply or meditate, even a little goes a long way. 

On a more social/emotional front, there's a lot we still can control at this point. It's important to maintain social interactions...even if it’s not what it was in "the before times", do what you can to connect in a safe/socially distanced way with zoom or phone or outdoor meetings.

Do Small Daily Things to Build Joy

This could look like hobbies, music, TV, being in nature, etc. Find your joy and chase it.

Infuse Some Novelty

Try a new takeout restaurant, go to a new location to take a walk, read a new book. Try something new and bring novelty and sponenaiety into your life. This might help combat the boredom you are feeling.

And, don't forget, it’s ok to not have it all together and to need help. We are here and would love to support you and give more tools for this tough time. We are offering virtual therapy sessions to accommodate everyone and every need.

How to Deal with New Year's Resolutions If You Have an Eating Disorder

In the beginning of every year there is a societal pressure to reinvent yourself in a new way. There is a surge of ads for weight loss programs and fitness apps that sends a message that you need to be a “new you.” In surveys about new year’s resolutions, about half of people stated that they wanted to lose weight. But these changes are easier said than done, and they can be triggering for those with eating disorders.

Disordered Eating and Resolutions

The difficulty of following through on new habits doesn’t disappear just because it is a new year, and what started as self-improvement becomes an exercise in self-punishment.  

Diet culture runs rampant in the beginning of every year, but creating “resolutions” that involve goal weights, restricted eating and fad diets, or obsessively working out can cause more stress and give people larger problems than they might think. Creating goals surrounding a number can make people obsess in an unhealthy way. It can start people down a path of disordered eating or disordered working out that can cause more stress and more anxiety than they are ready for.

How to Deal with Triggering Resolutions

Resolutions that involve weight loss can be extremely triggering to those who are in recovery. If you are someone who is in recovery, stand up for yourself and tell the people around you that you don’t want to hear about any resolutions that deal with weight loss or exercise. Stay off of social media if possible. Listen to anit-diet podcasts that help affirm your new ways of thinking about food and exercise. If you can’t avoid it and have found that you are triggered and thinking more about your own body in ways you are trying to get away from, reach out to your therapist for help.

New Year, Same You

Because the pandemic, politics, working from home, and other societal issues have caused more stress for most of us, this January is a perfect opportunity to forget the results-oriented resolutions or reinventing yourself and make a new kind of promise to yourself. Think about what is truly important in your life, what makes you happy, or what helps you thrive and make a commitment to prioritize this. 

If you work from home , now is a good time to reevaluate your boundaries around this activity. You may have lost touch with some family or friends during the stress of the last few years and you want to reprioritize these relationships. Maybe you’ve seen someone take up a new skill or hobby in the past few years that you think would be fun to try. 

2025 New Year Resolution Ideas: 

• Chase joy

• Keep a gratitude journal

• Do more of something you love 

• Commit to a better work-life balance

• Be more present 

• Focus on the positive

• Connect with family and friends more often

This year try something new. Instead of focusing on the things you don’t like, embrace what makes you happy, what you already like about yourself, or what you already have and resolve to foster more of it in your life. 

Holiday Survival Tips: Building Your Emotional Resiliency - Part 2 of 2

In Part 1 of this series I broke the news to you that holidays are stressful (you're welcome!) and I took you through some ways to lengthen your emotional fuse by take care of your physical self. So now that you're treating any illness, eating balanced, working out regularly, sleeping well, and avoiding cigarettes and coffee (right!?! we're all skill ninjas on that front, right!?!? good!).

4 Tips to Build Emotional Resilience

So this time I'm gonna give some more skills to make you more psychologically resilient. These aren't one and done, quick fix, cure all's. But, if done regularly, they can help you ride out the emotional shit storms that come around.

1. Build mastery. It's hard to feel confident and grounded when everything in your day feels incomplete or stressful or too challenging. Do at least one thing a day that makes you feel confident and competent. For me, it's making my bed or playing a game of "words with friends" or checking off an errand on a to-do list.

2. Practice gratitude. Studies have repeatedly proven the psychological benefits of gratitude on mood and cognition. You can write it down or say it out loud, but don't just keep it in your head. I like writing down 5-10 gratitude every morning but doing a less structured and more spontaneous practice works too.

3. Breathe deeply. Breathing calms the nervous system and promotes ability to think clearly and process events and emotions. Often we go about our day on auto pilot, not breathing well. Breathing deeply roots you in the present moment. You know you're breathing deeply if you can hear the air come in and out of your nose and if you can feel your belly rise and fall with each inhalation and exhalation.

4. Laugh. You don't have to, but you can. And if you can, why not!?! Laughing doesn't mean everything's ok. It simply means you're embracing the lite and fun and silly parts of life too. So watch that funny show, listen to your favorite comedian, call your funny friend, watch ridiculous YouTube videos of babies cracking up at cats falling down...Whatever it is that helps you get your laugh on, go for it!

And, if you need more help, please contact us. We'd love to support you and your family. We are offing virtual therapy sessions during this difficult time.

Holiday Survival Tips: Building Your Emotional Resiliency - Part 1 of 2

News flash: The holidays are stressful! Especially when you’re also dealing with a pandemic and navigating social distancing in a time of social events and gatherings! You're gonna need as long an emotional fuse as you can get to manage family, friends, work, shopping, and all the emotions that this time of year can dig up.

5 Tips to Emotionally Survive the Holidays

Here's part one of two, on how to build your emotional resiliency. These suggestions are based on Marsha Linehan's DIalectical Behavior Therapy skills. This set addresses ways to keep your outer warrior (your body) strong so it can protect and serve your inner warrior (your heart and mind).

1. Treat physical illness. This is not a time to just suck it up, walk it off, and pretend you're superhuman. If you are physically run down, you are more susceptible to being emotionally run down. So take those vitamins, get lots of water and rest, see the doctor sooner than later.

2. Eat moderately and healthfully. If you're on a strict diet or if you're over-indulging on the regular, you will be more likely to have big, overwhelming emotions. No need to feel sluggish and bloated or deprived and hangry on top of other holiday stressors.

3. Avoid/limit mood altering substances. Unlike the air traffic controller in "Airplane", the holidays are the EXACT right time to quit sniffing glue! Haha. But seriously, while nicotine, caffeine, alcohol, marijuana may help in the moment, they can keep you from appropriately managing your emotions, give you a false sense of your energy, and leave you more frazzled and less grounded in the long run.

4. Get moving. Moderate physical exercise can be a way to distract, unwind, breathe deeply, and release stress. Bonus points if you move in nature, move mindfully, and practice gratitude for your body while you're getting a workout in.

5. Get enough sleep. There's a million things to do and not enough time to do it. Trust me, I get it. And, to be able to participate as fully and meaningfully in the activities and not burn out early, sleep is important. Try to get in a routine, focus on sleep hygiene, and prioritize sleep.

You won't/ can't be perfect at all this. That's not even the point. The point is: when possible, be as thoughtful as you can be about protecting (and lengthening, when possible) that emotional fuse.

We're here to help too. Don't put off getting more support. Contact us or book an appointment today.

Finding Your Center in Hectic Holiday times

On-going wars, the election, and now holidays!?! Yikes!! Plus whatever is going on in your family, work, personal life, and just in your own body!?! Gross! Life is definitely lifing these days! 

There’s so much going on to trigger us and knock us off center. It’s easy to find yourself in the past or future or zoned out into outer space. 

When we get too stressed we go into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn (reflexive people pleasing). We feel anxious or depressed. We avoid people. We rage on people. We people please or fix people. We try to change how we feel with addictions to drugs or alcohol or food or sex or shopping or whatever. 

And since it’s the holiday season, we’re supposed to hang out with family and be grateful and generous in the middle of this!?! 

That’s a tall/impossible ask when we’re in a trauma/stress response and our bodies are super dysregulated and don’t feel safe or connected. Fight/flight/freeze/fawn don’t include gratitude or generosity much less holiday party small talk. They’re for survival. They’re for surviving an avalanche or attack from a bear. You don’t sit down for turkey or think of gifts for loved ones or enjoy your ugly Christmas sweater party when you’re braced for disaster and just trying to live. But if we’re not tending to our nervous system and regulating it out of a trauma/stress response, this is basically what our bodies think we’re trying to do. No wonder life can feel overwhelming! 

But it doesn’t have to be like that. If you’re reading this, you’re probably under stress but not in an imminently dangerous situation that would require flight/flight/freeze/fawn. Regardless of your fears or feelings or projections or memories, you’re probably physically safe. If that’s true, a trauma response is not necessary or appropriate for the moment. We just need to catch your body and nervous system up to this fact. 

Here’s a gift from me to you. A simple exercise to find safety in the moment and in yourself so you can be with people in a connected and in the moment in a way that feels not only tolerable but maybe even…gasp…enjoyable. 

Tips to be in the Moment 

1. Find a quiet and comfy place to sit. If possible let yourself relax into the chair or bed or floor and let yourself feel held. Bonus points if you can let your head rest and feel held. 

2. Take a breath and look around the room you’re in. Don’t just move your eyes, move your body. Find the exits. Notice and lable to yourself that in this moment and in this space you are safe. 

3. Take a breath and let the awareness of the safety impact you and your body. Where can you feel it or where can you let yourself feel it in your body? Maybe you breathe deeper and let out a sigh, maybe you loosen your jaw, maybe you yawn, maybe your shoulders drop or close your eyes or wiggle your toes. Let yourself feel the safety of the moment. 

4. You might notice gratitude or tears or a desire to move. Play around with what comes immediately after you notice safety and do what feels nice. 

5. Rinse and repeat. Keep staying anchored in the safety of the room and let it impact you. If you find places in your body that won’t settle or get more tense or numb, notice that and then return your focus to a place in your body that can feel safe. 

This is one practice. It doesn’t solve everything. But being able to find some regulation gives your body a little rest and also opens up more options to navigate life outside of fight/flight/freeze/fawn. If you need help beyond this practice, please reach out or book an appointment.

Holiday Survival Tips: How to Manage Family Conflict

If you’re like most people, you like to spend time with your family around the holidays even though some of them drive you a little crazy. Here are some tips for handling conflictual situations you might find yourself in when spending time with family. 

Control Your Flooding

We experience flooding when we have a surge of adrenaline and emotions that impacts us physically and mentally. We either freeze in fear or launch into a fight. Instead of either of those, the goal is to recognize we’re feeling flooded and calm ourselves. You can try deep breathing, walking, getting some space, going outside, or actively trying to relax your muscles. 

Set Your Boundaries During the Holidays

This means only taking care of your side of the street and asking other adults around you to do the same. Setting a boundary can help you keep your integrity even while others around you may be asking you to compromise it. This may look like you declining to talk about something you know will lead to conflict, walking away from a tense situation, or restating what you are willing and not willing to do. 

Negotiate with Your Family Member

Maybe there is a way you can compromise so you both get what you need. If someone in your family wants to chat but it’s not a conversation you want to have, try changing the subject or asking if you can talk when it’s a better time. If someone criticizes how you are doing something around the house, ask if they’d like to help you do it. You might be surprised by the compromises your family members are willing to make.

If you remember to not let your emotions get the best of your when you’re flooded, avoid falling into old family patters by setting your own boundaries, and negotiate something you’re willing to execute with your family member, you can enjoy more of the time you spend with your family this holiday. 

If you find yourself needing more help this holiday season, please reach out so we can help you through this.

We Don’t Talk Anymore: Why Families Cut Each Other Off And How To Deal With It

Understanding Family Estrangement

Over the past few years I have had more and more parents seeking my help after their adult child has cut themselves out of their lives. These are not family members who had a nasty fight and have decided not to speak afterwards, instead these parents are often confused as to exactly what caused their adult child to cut themselves out of their lives. They also typically feel hurt, afraid, powerless, blindsided and maybe even betrayed by their child’s decision. There are typically a number of complicated factors that play into why a person might choose to cut themselves off from their family. 

Common Reasons for Family Cutoff

Family cutoff is common, and often a healthy choice, when there is toxic parenting, abuse, or uncontrolled addiction within the family. At least 25% of American adults are currently estranged from a family member. However, family estrangement and cutoff are becoming more common for less severe reasons. More and more adult children are cutting ties with their parents for reasons their parents do not fully understand. Often this is a last resort for an adult child with hurt feelings that are not validated or boundaries that are repeatedly crossed, and it is likely they feel as though cutting off their parent(s) is the only way to take back control of their life. 

Other common reasons for family division include holding on to perceived slights from the past (including past divorce or perceived differences in treatment of one’s siblings), disagreements about money, or allegiance to a new spouse over one’s parents. As opposed to the more severe reasons for family cutoff, these conflicts mostly come down to the inability to resolve conflict, communicate in a healthy manner, and to listen effectively to one another. 

How Cultural Shifts Impact Family Relationships

As a culture our shift toward increased mobility, a focus on personal well-being, and prioritizing individual fulfillment means that many are less reliant on relatives than in previous generations. Joshua Coleman, an author on family cutoff, writes, “today nothing ties an adult child to a parent beyond that adult child’s desire to have that relationship.” 

Decades ago when children were “seen and not heard,” parents demanded respect, expected certain behaviors, and didn’t much care what their children thought of their parenting. This relationship was dutiful but distant and similar dynamics carried through into the child’s adulthood. Contrast this with the more active parenting of today where parents are much more likely to be highly involved in their child’s life and spend more with their child than previous generations. 

Most of today’s parents hope for more genuine connection with their children than they had with their parents and aspire for this closeness to continue even after their child leaves home. Whereas prior generations were mostly afraid to have a child who never left home, today’s parents are more likely to fear that their child will never return after leaving. An unintended consequence of this dynamic is that some parents who are highly involved in their child’s life invest less time in themselves and their other relationships or interests, which leads the parent to want a closer relationship with their only focus - their child. This usually backfires because the child feels overwhelmed and smothered by their parent’s need for closeness causing them to want to escape. 

Divisions over Values

Western society has also become more politically and culturally divided than ever and families are following this pattern. Value differences related to disagreements of opinion about sexual orientation, gender identity, religious beliefs, politics, and race has been cited as the cause of family estrangement by more than one in three mothers in the U.S.. Most recently, family disagreements regarding how to navigate the current political climate and the COVID-19 pandemic have led to an increase in family cutoff.

Pathways to Reconciliation

But there is good news. Family cutoff is rarely permanent and family members often cycle through phases of estrangement, distanced contact, and reconciliation. While it might be tempting to avoid uncomfortable conversations and hope that the situation solves itself, the healthiest solution is for both parties to work on their communication so that they can resolve some of their differences, even if they agree to disagree about certain things. 

Parents who can listen without defensiveness and empathize with their adult child’s feelings have a far greater chance of repairing their relationship. Adult children who can recognize that their parents are likely doing the best they can with the tools they have are more likely to understand that mistakes their parents made are not personal, but are instead part of being human. 

What to Do Next and When to Go Seek Professional Help

Moving forward requires an acceptance of where you and your family members are at without accepting their hurtful behavior. Everyone has a right for their feelings to be heard and validated without an immediate counter-attack. If it feels like starting this type of conversation is going to be potentially more harmful rather than helpful, it may be best to seek help from a professional who can act as a neutral mediator and help facilitate a healthy exchange. Licensed family therapists (who carry the LMFT credential) are specifically trained for this kind of work. You can also read more about family cutoff and estrangement on your own from some experts: 

• Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict by Joshua Coleman

• Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them by Karl Andrew Pillemer

• Family Estrangement: A Matter of Perspective by Kylie Agliias

• Brothers, Sisters, Strangers: Sibling Estrangement and the Road to Reconciliation by Fran Schumer Chapman

If you decide that you are ready to address your family cutoff issues, we are here to help. Our therapist, Kate, specializes in navigating this issue with families and you can book a free 15 minute consultation with here.

Should I Send a Dick Pic?

Before we begin this strange journey, please note that I have changed many facts to conceal identities.

The fact that I even feel the need to write this post is absurd. This happens daily to people who receive them but they have NO desire to actually see a dick pic. If you do, fine, but set up that agreement before you just assume that somebody wants to see your junk.  Just a friendly reminder, folks, that things you send over text, email, and most forms of online anything, are now stored someplace FOREVER. Plus, sending these to a minor, no matter what your age, you are now a criminal and you can be arrested and labeled a pedofile for the rest of your life. It’s a terrible idea. DON’T DO IT.

Here’s the story.  My friend was over yesterday and a man sent her an unsolicited dick pic.  UNSOLICITED.  And not just ANY man.  She knows the number and she knows who it is from, but she thought there was no way it was from HIM. The man is her ex father-in-law.  For real. Yes, you can laugh, we were rolling on the floor even though we were totally grossed out.  I mean how stupid can you be?!  It turns out that people can be 

REALLY REALLY REALLY STUPID 

The problem with technology is that you make one tiny mistake and the mother of your Goddaughter gets the pic that you were trying to send to an affair partner, which in itself is not a good idea, see paragraph #1. Or your wife sees the inappropriate text you sent to your business partner.  Or your husband sees the text from your affair partner at 5 AM because you forgot to turn off your phone.  Or the texts from your almost affair partner pop up on your home computer because you turned on all the notifications everywhere. STOP DOING THIS!  If you feel the need to step outside of your relationship for any reason and it’s a secret, you are super likely to get caught so just go ahead and end it.  Then you don’t have to be secretive and potentially destroy the other person’s world.  And trust me, worlds are destroyed.  People usually recover in due time, but I can hardly describe the internal devastation that I see in my office on a weekly basis.  It’s heart wrenching.

Back to our story.  So now my friend is stuck with a big disgusting unsolicited mess on her hands. Does she tell her ex husband? Does she text her ex-father-in-law back? What if her son had seen those pics, or worse what if they had been sent to him?  This is his grandfather for crying out loud.

Here’s what actually happened next.  After we laughed our asses off, and got mostly over being totally grossed out, she texted him back and said she wasn’t sure what to do about this.  Then the most hilarious thing happened.  He texted back, “disregard.”  WHAAAT!?!?  OMG, on what planet can one disregard and unsee a dick pic?  More rolling on the floor.

While we are on the subject of bad ideas, here are two other online things that will get you in trouble…

Creating a facebook page to “meet new friends”. Facebook will figure out who you already know and message those people to ask if they want to be friends with you. Now your little secret profile isn’t a secret.

You are having an affair and decide it’s OK to text. Oh shoot, you forgot that your texts pop up on your computer. And your ipad. And your husband knows that “Jane” doesn’t send you sexy texts and pics. Busted.

You decide to send cute emojis to a co-worker and your wife sees them, you never send her cute emoji’s.  DUMB.

If this scares you, well it should. Do not conduct personal “business” over your phone, your email, social media, etc… If you are struggling in your relationship, that is normal normal normal. Partnerships struggle all the time, it’s part of the journey. If something is missing for you,let us help you figure it out andhow to go about getting your needs met without putting you and your relationship in danger. #nodickpics

How to Start Reparenting Yourself

There’s a lot of talk about reparenting yourself in therapy. A lot of that talk comes from me, to be honest, because I think it’s crucial in healing. A lot of what’s ruptured in trauma and depression and eating disorders and addictions is our relationship with ourselves. We become neglectful at best, abusive at worst. This lack of care for ourselves not only leads to worsening our mental health symptoms, but it erodes our trust in ourself and love for ourself. And why would you fight as hard as it often takes to fight for your mental health if you don’t trust or love yourself!?

The relationship with the self also impacts our relationships with others. If we don’t know what we feel and what we need, how are we going to communicate that with others? We’re going to be resentful when our needs aren’t met or others can’t help us. We might also be resentful and jealous and judgemental of others who can know their needs and ask for them to be met. 

Tips on How to Start Reparenting Yourself 

While “reparenting yourself” is a cute idea, what does it mean? It can be overwhelming and feel impossible to know what to do, especially if we don't have good models of healthy parenting. Because of this, I’m sharing some basic buckets of healthy parent behaviors. Even if you don’t know what being a good parent to yourself FEELS like, you can start with what it behaviorally LOOKS like and act your way into the feeling part. Here are some tips to help with the process:

1. Take care of basic needs in a balanced way. 

One of the first things caregivers do to take care of us and show love is taking care of our basic needs. They feed us and clean us and help us sleep. This is one of the ways we can take care of ourselves and show ourselves love as well. Even if you’re not feeling like it or feeling like you like yourself, you can still do self care. Sometimes that’s ALL you can do! Get to bed at a reasonable time, eat balanced meals and don’t skip meals or eat too much, get some sunshine, take a shower, take medicine as prescribed, etc. Hopefully you’re already doing these things. But either way, when you do them, do them as an act of love and care. 

2. Take time to play and treat yourself. 

Stressed parents can neglect this or shame it or be overwhelmed by a kid's play. Maybe the roles are reversed and, instead of being a playful kid, the kid turns into the caregiver. Being an adult in a capitalist society can reinforce lack of playfulness. Add mental health and stress issues and play can be hard as adults. If we have trauma, play is especially hard because to play is to let your guard down. But letting ourselves engage in play (which can look like art, hobbies, sports, parties, etc) is super important. Nurturing caregivers delight in the play of their kids. They know that joy and laughter are important and support exploration of fun. When we’re reparenting ourselves it’s important for us to play.  If you already do sports or hobbies, label it as play and see if you can bring the “play” vibe to those activities. If you are noticing as you read this that you don’t play, it can be helpful to do what you did as a kid or think about what your friends do for fun and try that and explore what feels fun to you. 

3. Take time to rest and be cozy. 

Nurturing ourselves is the opposite of hustle culture. Society tells us that our worth is in what we do and achieve and how busy we are. But what baby was industrious? What baby was on their grind? Yet they’re maybe the easiest humans to love! And it would be wild if their mom loved them by sending them to work and making them be productive! Instead we love babies by letting them rest and snuggle and be comfortable. We can love ourselves the same way. Nurture yourself by taking a nap, letting yourself rest, wrapping yourself up in a blanket or comfy sweats and not having to do a certain thing or look a certain way to be good enough. 

4. Pay attention and check in. 

Some parents are absent or busy or dismissive. As adults we can be that way with ourselves. We just go about our days oblivious to what we’re doing and how we’re feeling or what we need. Or we notice it and shame it. Or we focus on others or food or we drink away our feelings. We become neglectful. Being a good parent to yourself involves paying attention.

Some exercises I like can be taking a few minutes a day to journal or doing a body scan and seeing how your body feels and where you might be holding pain or tension as well as what parts of your body feel good. Even if you feel numb and have a hard time noticing how you feel, keep at it. It can also be helpful to think about what happened during the day and guess how one might feel. For example, if I review my day and notice that I didn’t sleep well last night and had a tough meeting with my boss and sat in traffic and haven’t talked to any friends today, it's fair to guess I feel stressed and maybe lonely. I can assume that my shoulders might be tense and my heart may be heavy or my head may be foggy. Then see if that fits. See if any part of my body perks up as I label the emotions. 

5. Protect Yourself and Your Boundaries

Harness that mama-bear energy because reparenting isn’t just soft and squishy. Sometimes it needs to be fierce. We didn’t all get parents who were willing or able to protect us. Some of us even had parents who were the ones who harmed us. When this happens it’s easy to have a hard time standing up for ourselves and leaving harmful situations. We may not have felt worthy of being protected or we may have felt that our assertiveness would be punished or that our anger (which fuels our assertiveness) was scary or dangerous if we saw other people’s anger be scary or dangerous. But when we’re reparenting ourselves we must not wait for others to rescue us, we need to protect ourselves.  We need to harness our anger and not repress it. Protecting ourselves might look like having a hard conversation. This may be asking for a raise or asking neighbors to be quiet so you can sleep. It may mean you suggest therapy for you and your partner or end a relationship. It may mean that you share with your friend that you’re hurt and upset by them canceling plans or habitually being late. If any of these feel too big to jump into right off the bat, you can write out a script or imagine saying what you need to say and see how that feels. Often it can be a little scary but also exciting and relieving. The more we do it, the easier it gets. That protective energy either goes in or out. If we don’t speak our truth and stand up for ourselves, that energy turns inward and looks like chronic stress and dis-ease. Anxiety, depression, and digestive issues can often come with not protecting ourselves effectively. It also erodes our self trust and self worth. 

A word of warning: this is harder than it looks. Not only does it take a lot of thought and energy, it is confronting work. You might notice feeling that it’s stupid or that you aren’t worth it or it doesn’t matter. These are often thoughts on the way to the deep grief that you didn’t get these things as a kid. You needed them and didn’t get them. Ironically feeling the sadness and grief of noticing how much you needed and didn’t get is a step towards that compassion and self-love you want. It’s also an opportunity to practice being a good parent in the midst of that grief. As you’re exploring this concept, journaling and questioning is a great way to continue the process.

Reparenting Yourself Journaling Prompts

1. Think of a time when you were a kid where you had a need or a big feeling and a caregiver nailed it and was present. This might give you clarity on what you can do for yourself even as an adult. 

or 

2. think of a time where they missed it and imagine what you could have done instead

or

3. imagine a friend or a child or your child came to you with a similar situation, what would you say? More importantly, what would you do? 

Even with all these thoughts and suggestions, I get that this is still a super complex topic. Feel free to ask for help! Healthy parents are resourceful parents who ask for help. Nothing says you should or need to figure it out on your own. Get in touch and we can work on it together! 

An Emotional Hijacking

An emotional hijacking is something you do to yourself, or rather your amygdala does to you when you get triggered by an unexpected or very unpleasant event.  This happens when your emotions overtake your thought processes and your executive functioning goes offline.  It’s when the smart part of the brain gets beaten by the ancient lizard part.

These moments can be filled with fear or anger or a range of other unpleasant emotions.  Here are some of the reasons people get triggered so quickly:

• Events from the past have not been properly worked though

• Somebody is pushing your buttons

• There are current life stressors you are having difficulty managing

• You have found out devastating news like a partner having an affair

• You and your partner have the same argument over and over

• You have little to no self-care and others always seem to come first

The good news is that we have tools to help you combat these nasty occurrences and get you back on track.  We also have ways to avoid going there in the first place.  If you need help avoiding or working through an emotional stress, then give us a call so we can give you all we know.  But we don’t want to leave you without a few tools.  

First, remember to take several very deep breaths and intentionally notice what is happening.  Realize you are going to that place again and take a step back.  Before your smart brain goes completely offline, do your best to not get lost in the emotional lizard brain.  In the beginning, this takes substantial effort.  After some practice, this becomes much easier.

We would love to give you a plethora of additional tools that we know work wonders.  Call us today!

Somatic Therapy: What is it and Why is it Beneficial?

Something that I’ve been nerding out on and that has been immensely helpful in my personal healing journey and in my work with my clients has been somatic therapy. I think it’s getting more airtime due to TikTok and celebrities and people being more therapy-savvy in general. If you’ve been curious about it too, this blogs for you. 

What is Somatic Therapy? 

Somatic therapy is a way of doing therapy that pays extra attention to your body and its needs and its experiences. Historically, therapy has been very focused on the mind and our thoughts and our stories. This isn’t wrong but it misses a big piece of the puzzle of our mental health and wellbeing. 

Anxiety, depression, ptsd, eating disorders, addictions, and stress involve and impact the body. A lot of our behaviors aren’t driven by how we think but also how we feel and how we want to feel. If we can understand that connection, we can find other ways to help us feel better and also learn how to tolerate our feelings and not be so desperate and reactive with our discomforts.  

What Makes Somatic Therapy Different?

Somatic therapy can feel a little different in sessions than traditional talk therapy. It keeps closer to the present moment than your past or future, and stays closer to your body than your head, and therefore feels a little slower as it can take time to learn to connect to your moment and to your body since our culture doesn’t generally teach us or reinforce us for doing all that. 

One of the goals of somatic work is to become an ally with your body instead of ignoring or controlling it. In somatic therapy we try to respect the body and its experience and its needs. Often our culture supports us dominating our body through diet and exercise and productivity. Or we subdue it with food or alcohol or mindlessly scrolling so we don’t need to pay attention to it when it’s in pain or inconvenient. With somatics we want to build a relationship with the body that is symbiotic and nurturing and helpful and kind. When we work with the body we stop fighting it and learn to work with it. 

 Another aspect of somatic therapy is that it aims to make you and your body the expert, not society or some TikTok clown or your family or even me. You learn to listen to and work with your own unique body and its needs and boundaries and preferences. This has the added bonus of helping reconnecting us to our intuition and rebuilding trust in ourselves and our bodies (which is often lost in trauma). I like psychedelics and ketamine assisted psychotherapy (KAP) for building the connection and trust in our own inner wisdom as well, and actually the blend of somatics and psychedelics are a very potent combo for treating chronic stress, PTSD and CPTSD. But that’s a whole different rabbit hole you can feel free to reach out and set up a time to talk to me about. 

Who Can Benefit from Somatic Therapy?

Because somatic therapy is a great tool to help regulate emotions, build capacity for life, and cultivate a relationship with the body, the short answer is: anyone who’s experienced stress and trauma…which is everyone! Especially those who have had stress and trauma and have had a hard time moving past those events or who have struggled with day to day living and current life as a result of stressors in the past. 

When we have stress and trauma and aren’t connected to our bodies, we habituate to and dissociate from pain and disgust and discomfort. But then we don’t know our boundaries and preferences. We aren’t aware of how alcohol or that relationship or our own cruel words impact us. We also don’t know how good that rest and sunshine and a big laugh can feel either. And so we don’t change anything. But when we can feel how our environment or our thoughts or habits or relationships impact us, we can better navigate how to take care of ourselves. 

Somatic Therapy for PTSD and CPTSD

Trauma induces a stress response of fight, flight freeze, or fawn(people pleasing). That’s not inherently a bad thing, those responses help keep us safe. But ptsd symptoms emerge when we’re not able to perform those responses (your body wants to run but it’s trapped and the energy gets stuck in your body and you feel antsy all the time) and/or we get stuck in the responses (I needed to fight to protect myself but now I’m still braced for a fight even though I’m in a safe environment). When this happens our bodies feel chronically unsafe and dysregulated. 

 If we can’t find safety we are chronically stressed and might develop injury or get sick or develop go distress, migraines, or auto-immune symptoms. If we can’t find safety we can shut down and avoid and feel numb and that looks like depression. Or feel keyed up and tense and get panic attacks. Or we try to avoid the feelings in our body with food or drugs or sex or shopping or scrolling mindlessly online or whatever else. 

With reconnecting to the body, the goal is to be able to get back to the present moment and back to a felt sense of safety after stress. The goal is not to feel good all the time. It’s to have flexibility to hold joy and safety and be able to be with yourself and nurture your body in sadness and fear and anger and shame and also take action when stressful events happen. 

Easy Somatic Exercise to Try

Take a breath and notice your surroundings. Notice where you are and who’s around. Maybe notice the temperature or brightness of the room. Look and see if you can find something in the room that you like. What happens as you look at it? Maybe something softens or expands or feels warm or tingly. See if you can find the place in your body that responds and put your focus there. As you focus, it might change and get bigger or smaller or it might move or might disappear. Just notice. And…you did it. You did some (obviously not all) somatic therapy!

Make Yourself THE Priority

This is going to be the year of putting myself first and I want all of you to do the same. I write a lot about couples, conflict, how to avoid it or recover from it, etc…  However, to be part of a healthy relationship you have to take care of yourself first. YES FIRST.  And don’t tell me you don’t have time, this is a question of priorities and you need to make yourself the top one.  Even just thinking about it gets me happy.  I am devoting this year to me and making it count - my posts will be a reflection of this.

I googled “put yourself first” to see what came up and the search results proved my point exactly.  It’s so important to be kind to yourself, to treat yourself as you treat all the important people in your life (of course I am assuming you are a nice person!).

You suffer when everything else or everyone else comes first.  If you are suffering, you can’t give in the way you intend to the people who matter most.  If you need permission to put the rest of the folks in your life in the back seat, then here is your permission slip... for the rest of your life and especially for 2017.  

Here are some tips to put yourself first or make yourself feel good.  For all of you who feel guilty about this, stop it right now.  If you are exhausted, overwhelmed and stressed out, then this post is for you.  Below are just a handful of ideas on how I like to accomplish this and some links to take you to my favorite resources.

1. Take at least 10 minutes a day to something new or creative - inspired by my fav photographer, Willy - Life Unstill Photography.

2. Say NO, no no no no no.  Being a YES person is exhausting.

3. Put daily rituals in place.  I LOVE this planner... 

4. Forgive yourself when you mess up.

5. Find one thing every day that will make you smile or feel fantastic and do it.  

6. Do something that scares you or makes you uneasy, your brain loves a challenge.  

7. Have time during the day where all electronics are turned off.

8. Find a great podcast that brings you joy and peace (Tara Brach is AMAZING). 

9. Savor your meals - I mean really savor them.  

10. Laugh out loud. This blog does it for me. 

11. Take things off your to-do list that really aren’t important and add in something that replenishes you. Lists will go on forever, so put your important stuff first.  

12. Be in the moment, not in the future.  (again, Tara Brach)

13. You always have choices, make the one that will benefit you most.

14. Get Physical - you all know why.  Find a great gym or find motivation at home.  I hate gyms so I am making plans for my home gym this year.

15. Make plans or let life make them for you.  

16. Lose the people in your life who are downers, nay-sayers, just a drag to be around and the ones who are critical and judgemental.  Those people suck, drop them.

17. Get a candle that smells incredible - get 10 - always have one on hand.  

18. Spend one meal a week with somebody who inspires you to be better, to be more, to live beyond.  If that’s hard, then chat on the phone, go on a walk or connect via text.  But connect.

19. Save all the wonderful emails, cards and messages people send to you and make a journal out of them.  Turn to it when you are feeling blue, you will remember how deeply amazing you are.

20. Pat yourself on the back - you know you deserve it.

21. Make lists of what makes you feel good and keep it handy.  

The message here is to pay attention to yourself, put yourself first and realize why it is so very important.  Make lists, update them, change them and look at them daily.  I like to make my lists in gorgeous journals of which I have far too many, but WTH, I love them and they make me feel great. Please tell me what inspires you and makes you feel great!

If you need help prioritizing you to make your relationship better and stronger, please reach out! I love to help people focus on themselves.

Carrie

Taxidermy Creatures as Service Animals

If you are my friend or my husband, you have heard my rant many times over about what happened to me a few weeks ago and how awful it was.  You don’t need to know who or what, but f&%k her and all the bullshit she spewed my way. What you do need to know is how to help yourself feel better because therapy alone ain't always enough.  (Keep reading 'til you get to the funny part below….)

I am listening to Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson, in which Jenny explores her lifelong battle with mental illness.

I have my own little list of what makes me feel better when I am feeling low or dealing with anxiety, but Jenny’s list is so much better, like off-the-charts better.

My nice and tidy list goes something like this….

• Family

• Friends

• Colleagues

• A tubby

• A shower

• Nature

• Podcasts

• Audio Books

• Cleaning

• Crying

• My dog

• Wine

• Whine

• Comfy clothes

• Yummy smelling lotions

• Therapy - yes therapists have therapists

• My Mom

That list isn’t very inspiring - it’s just comforting.  So I decided to buy a funny book to lift my spirits.  Comfort is good but sometimes you just need a damn good laugh.  I found this book that I thought would just be humorous, but as luck would have it, the book is about Jenny and her diagnoses of about 15 different disorders as determined by therapists and psychiatrists. For all the meds and behavior mods she tries, she has other, sometimes better ways of handling anxiety.  

Here are some of her super-way-better-awesomer-than-mine tactics...

• Carry around a taxidermy creature as a service animal

• Confessing you have some disorder that ends in mania because people automatically back off

• Embrace your crazy

• Get an eating disorder to compensate for the lack of control over your emotions

• Medication

• Shrink visits

• Behavioral Therapy

• Be painfully honest about how crazy you are

• Hide in bathrooms and under tables at important events

• Let it control you when you have no other choice

• Or try being furiously happy - it’s not a cure for mental illness but a weapon designed to counter it.

If you are having a moment, or a week, or a year, buy this book.  I had to turn it off on my way to a session today with a client because I was laughing to the point of hysteria.  I had so many tears running down my face it looked like I was hysterical in a scary I-am-falling-apart kind of way.  I think Jenny Lawson could replace meds for some people, she’s that funny.

Now that we have explored my list vs her list, what’s on your list?

Have Better Sex Tonight with This Trick!

Now that I have your attention....

I want to talk about mindfulness. Not the sexy topic you may have expected, but bear with me, I promise I wasn’t just teasing you with some clickbait blog title.

Sex is pleasurable, fun, connecting, and even spiritual at times. F### what Cosmo or Maxim might say, the way great sex happens is not through circus act moves, fancy positions, or having the perfect body. It comes from being mindful.

Mindfulness is paying attention and choosing your focus and purpose. You can have the best techniques and all the right moves, but if you’re doing your taxes in your head or critiquing the size of your butt, you’re missing out. Being mindful will help you notice your own feelings and pleasure and give you the wherewithal to be able to communicate what you need to be fully present and connected with your partner.  

Now Cosmo and Maxim aren't totally wrong. New moves, exotic smells, and feeling sexy thanks to the latest health and fashion tips may help you to have great sex. But why do they help?? Because trying something new, using your senses, and feeling confident aid us in staying present and being focused on the moment.

But you can’t expect to go around being a mindless robot, thinking of the past, the future or not thinking at all, and then expect to suddenly be good at staying present for sex. That's crazy. We get good at what we practice.

So, since sex sells, here’s reason #592 for practicing mindfulness consistently: being more mindful will make you a better lover! See our quick mindfulness tips to jumpstart your practice. Do this as often as you like to use your five senses to be more aware of the present moment.

5 Tricks to Have Better Sex:

1. Notice 5 things you can see right now

2. Notice 4 things you can hear right now

3. Notice 3 things you can touch right now

4. Notice 2 things you can smell right now

5. Notice 1 thing you can taste right now.

Namaste. Happy practicing!

Four Square Breathing

Four Reasons to Try "Four Square Breathing"

1. It’s easy. If you can count to four and breathe, you can do it.

2. You can do it anywhere. One DBT skill for distress tolerance is distraction. For this you can go for a walk, watch TV, squeeze silly putty, smell flowers, etc. The list is endless (and having all those options is empowering). But you don’t always have the time to go to the gym, or the money to buy an adult coloring book. And, if you’re in a meeting or on a date, let’s face it, playing with a slinky or going around chanting in lotus pose is just plain weird. But no one needs to know that you are controlling your breathing, refocusing, and calming your nervous system as you do four-square breathing.

3. Turns on parasympathetic nervous system. I will spare you the nerdy science, but let’s just say that four square breathing can help take you from frenetic fight/flight/freeze to calm rest/digest/process mode.

4. Gives anxious or obsessive brain a task. If your brain is going a million miles an hour in circles, sometimes it is soothed by doing something basic and concrete. Instead of letting your monkey mind swing from thought to thought, you can focus on counting your breathe and noticing your inhales and exhales. It is difficult for a brain to obsess about the talk you’re about to have or taxes or germ while simultaneously counting your breaths.

How to do Four Square Breathing

1. Breathe in for a count of four

2. Pause for a count of four

3. Breathe out for a count of four

4. Pause for a count of four

5. Rinse and repeat. Do 4 cycles.

Now all you have to do is try it!