Stop Shoulding All Over Yourself!

In a previous post I discussed unhelpful thinking styles.  Unhelpful thinking styles are common thinking ‘errors’ that we all utilize at some point or other.  They can become patterns we don’t even realize we are using them!  As with many things in life, as we get older we can get stuck in patterns and not know how to get out of them.  Unhelpful thinking styles are one such pattern.  One very common Unhelpful thinking style that I see a lot with people, but especially women in their late twenties to mid-thirties is “Shoulding” and “Musting”.  

As the name indicates, this occurs when we tell ourselves that we should do something or we must do something.  It may seem as though Shoulding and Musting would be helpful.  For instance, someone with a drinking problem tells themselves ‘I must not drink and drive home tonight’.  However, I see it more commonly in the everyday lives of women whose life does not match up to the expectations she set for herself.  

For example, perhaps she thought that she would be married by 27 or have the been promoted to high level position in her company by 30.  When these life goals don’t occur in the arbitrary time frame that she set for herself, there can be a lot of self doubt and judgment that comes with that.  If she is still single at 28, then she thinks there is something wrong with her and she will tell herself that she ‘should’ or  ‘must’ change who she is to get what she wants.  

If the promotion doesn’t come, then she tells herself that she ‘should have worked harder’ and ‘must stay later at the office’.  In reality, there are a million factors that affect the course of our lives and self blame and doubt won’t make any difference except to make us feel worse about ourselves.  

When we’re young, we think we know how life will pan out.  We look around ourselves and think “I’ll definitely be married by the ripe old age of 26!” despite having no idea what course our lives will take or allowing for our goals and desires to change.  When things don’t go according to plan, or life isn’t what you thought it might be by now, of course a healthy dose of self reflection can be useful.  

However, when we get the pattern of constantly telling ourselves that we should or must do things all the times, that is no longer helpful thinking.  As my high school math teacher used to say to me: Stop shoulding all over yourself!

Kate

Adventures in Neurofeedback: A case study

I recently started working individually with a client who is dealing with anxiety and depression and has a significant trauma history. She has PTSD symptoms that include flashbacks, dissociation, and hypervigilance. This makes finding coping skills for the anxiety and depression tricky. Every time she tries to calm down with traditional skills like taking a bath or reading, her trauma gets triggered since she has associated being calm with being in danger through repeated instances of trauma.

We started doing neurofeedback to help calm her nervous system in a non traditional way. By noticing prevalent brainwave patterns, we could also think of ways to even them out that would help calm and distract her but not trigger trauma. Knowing what her brain needed, rather than what just sounds soothing, helped us develop a more effective tool box. After a few sessions and consistent skill practice between session, this client reported "feeling empowered for the first time." We still have a ways to go, but neurofeedback therapy will likely be a game changer for this client.

If you or someone you know is a good candidate for neurofeedback therapy, please reach out to me. I would love to see if I can help make strides in their therapy progress.

Adoption Isn't for Everyone, and That's OK!

One of best friends had a baby this week.  She’s beautiful and healthy and the whole family is overjoyed!  For the sake of anonymity, we’ll call them Jason and Julie.  I introduced Jason and Julie about ten years ago. To this day, they are my only successful set up, but, hey, I’ll take it!  They fell in love and got married on a beautiful beach.  They suit each other so well, they are a wonderful couple.  Jason was a little older and so they decided to try to have kids right away, but it didn’t work. Julie didn’t get pregnant, so they started the doctors visits to figure out what was going on.  I won’t get into the all the details, but if you know anyone who has dealt with infertility then you know the story.  So many visits to the doctor, so many procedures, and so much money.  They did eventually go down the IVF route.  After one miscarriage about a year ago, they were on to their last viable embryo.  And has the gods would have it, this one worked! She got pregnant, carried to term and just delivered an amazing little girl.

This whole process took place over the course of about six years.  And while they have a happy ending, their journey was not an easy one.  Over the course of those six years, I’ve had countless conversations with one or both of them about the process, journey etc.  I’ve been thinking back to a conversation we had about a year or two into this process.  Someone in the group asked Julie, “what about adopting?”, and her response threw me for a huge loop.  She instantly said “no way, I could never adopt.  I know that I would never love that child as much as I would love my own kid.”  I was, to be completely forthright, horrified.  I couldn’t believe that she said it and more so, I couldn’t believe that she felt that way.  My husband and I hadn’t started our own adoption process yet, so I didn’t feel personally attacked or insulted, I was just so completely floored at her response.  It bothered me for a really long time.  

A few weeks later, I was with another friend who had been present for that conversation.  I told her how upset it made me and how I just couldn’t believe that she could say something like that.  My friend said to me “Thank God she knows how she feels about it.”  “What do you mean?” I asked her back.  She told me that she was thankful that Julie knew how she felt about the situation.  She told me that many people may feel that way but don’t have the courage to say so out loud.  She helped me see that knowing how you feel about your own journey into parenthood is so important.  She asked me to imagine what it would be like if Jason and Julie had adopted a child, only then to figure out that she couldn’t love that child as much as she could her own.  What if that child only represented what Julie perceived as a failure to create her biological children?  I was immediately struck by how selfish and closed minded I had been to Julie and Jason.  I saw adoption as an amazing opportunity, they saw it as a sign of failure.  Neither of us is right or wrong.  Furthermore, Julie’s ability to be honest with herself about her feelings was so important to be sure that they did not take on a life that they could not commit to loving 110%.

This story has stayed with me and reminded me to honor everyone’s journey, whether they choose to have children or not! The best thing we can do is be honest about what we really want and have the courage to make that choice. If you are struggling with adoption, infertility or anything else having to do with being a parent and want to talk to someone who is going through it, please reach out to me. I would love to help you get through the emotions that come with parenthood. 

Out of the Darkness Community Walk

Join me at “Out of the Darkness” Community Walk in Denver September 24, 2016

At Colorado Couples and Family Therapy, we often give calls to action, ways to take a concept and apply it to improve your life. Well here’s a different call to action, a way to improve someone else’s life.

On September 24th, you can join me and many others in walking with the “Out of the Darkness” community walk to remember those we have lost and bring awareness to mental health issues so we may help those struggling with suicide.

EVENT DETAILS

Walk Date: 9/24/16

Walk Time: 10am-12pm

Walk Location: Coors Field (1663 Park Avenue West, Denver)

To get more info and register: afsp.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.eventID=3920

From www.TWLOHA.com:

Suicide, or intentionally taking one’s life, is complex; it involves psychological, social, biological, cultural, and environmental factors. People who are suicidal may talk a lot about death, with/draw from friends, give away prized possessions, become more reckless and impulsive, /or express hopelessness. (2) Suicide is preventable; talking about it does not cause someone to become suicidal, but rather, could actually save their life. 1

Some statistics:

•    Globally, there is one suicide about every 40 seconds. 2

•    In the U.S., there is a suicide every 13.7 minutes. 3

•    Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death for Americans. 1

•    Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death for Americans age 15-24. 4

•    Males die by suicide four times as often as females, but there are three female attempts for every male attempt. 1

1.    AAS Facts about Suicide and Depression

2.    WHO Suicide Prevention Fact Sheet

3.    AAS 2010 Suicide Final Data

4.    CDC Suicide Fact Sheet*

Clean Eating or Orthorexia?

Food can be complicated these days.

We are bombarded by messages about what's healthy and that can change on the daily. First, fat's bad...no wait, carbs are bad, fat is great, don't eat carbs just bacon and butter...all day...oh, but not coconut oil, it's the devil! Ok...maybe they don't say all that, but they might as well, at least then we'd know how whack those headlines are! So what are you supposed to eat to be healthy these days?

In the midst of all the noise, a lot of people have adopted "clean eating." Great. Reduce chemicals and highly processed food. That makes sense. And it does, but with all good things, balance is still needed and people can take it too far.  And that's where orthorexia can sneak in.

The National Eating Disorder Association states that someone who has "an “unhealthy obsession” with otherwise healthy eating may be suffering from “orthorexia nervosa,” a term which literally means “fixation on righteous eating.” Orthorexia starts out as an innocent attempt to eat more healthfully, but orthorexics become fixated on food quality and purity." (https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/orthorexia-nervosa)

So how do you know you're dealing with orthorexia?

1. Your gut nags at you sometimes when you're quiet and dialed in and whispers that something is off. Maybe even now you're fighting that voice or wanting to click to the next blog.

2. Clean eating has taken priority over other values and goals and commitments. Maybe you don't go out with friends as much. Maybe you lie or make excuses to avoid situations where it's not organic or clean food. Maybe you're more focused on the food than the fun or connection in life.

3. You're dealing with anxiety. Managing food or making sure you only take in clean foods makes you anxious. Or you have extreme anxiety or guilt over eating something non organic.

4. Food takes on value and dictates your value. Food gets judged as "good" or "bad". And since you are what you eat, you label yourself "good" or "bad" based on what you eat. Maybe you've become judgy of others who don't eat like you. Maybe you punish yourself by being mean or super restrictive if you stray from your rigid rules.

Being healthy means being mentally healthy too. If the way you're managing your physical health is impacting your mental health, we can help. Contact me today. You're worth it!

Adventures in Neurofeedback: A case study

A client was referred for individual therapy for substance abuse, an eating disorder, and trauma. We started to work together after she had completed a stay in residential treatment. She is brilliant, funny as hell, and suffers greatly. We had been working for several months with traditional talk therapy using DBT, ACT, and Attachment Theory to promote change and insight and healing. She was making progress, but progress was slow, and trauma and emotional dysregulation kept popping up and making this client feel hopelessness and shame. 

So, I suggested we trial neurofeedback. We did two sessions per week. I used protocols to enhance SMR frequencies which help with creating a calm and focused energy and help with regulating sleep and mood. We also used Alpha Theta Training to address trauma in a gentle way. 

After a few sessions, she was more regulated and able to articulate thoughts and feelings in session. She was able to do tasks that previously felt overwhelming, like making phone calls, running errands, and walking her dog. This has built momentum as she's gained confidence and she now has found her voice with her partner and with work. She has made friends. She has described herself as happy. 

Another interesting result is that she felt pain in her neck and back that she had previously been numb to. Noticing the pain helped her take better care of herself and not get more injured. 

Trauma is now more easily addressed as she is more grounded and confident in her day to day life and as she is more able to articulate her experience rather than freezing or avoiding. 

The journey is not over, but she has made progress in the span of a few months that would have taken a few years with talk therapy alone. 

If you think neurofeedback may help you, feel free to call us or email. 

#Boundaries

If you're like me, you didn’t learn how to set appropriate boundaries as a kid. I knew that standing up for myself at home rarely went well, so honing my assertiveness skills wasn’t even on my radar. It wasn’t necessary. It was more necessary to wear a mask, people-please, bury my needs, and literally and figuratively "walk it off". So, when I started to work on setting boundaries in my life as an adult, I fumbled around a bit. 

I was helped by learning and practicing a DBT skill for interpersonal effectiveness called the FAST skill. It’s an acronym that stands for:

Fair: set boundaries that are fair. For us recovering people pleasers, it’s important to remember to set boundaries that are fair for ourselves. Of course, there is compromise, but its ok to take up space. If we aren't fair to ourselves and take care of ourselves and stand up for ourselves, we get resentful...and that's not a good look on anybody!

(No) Apologies: Don't apologize for your needs and feelings and boundaries. First, it’s not necessary. Second, it diminishes your effectiveness in setting a boundary because it sounds less confident. Third, it reinforces core shame and low self-worth when you constantly apologize for yourself. 

Stick to values: Don't use boundaries to avoid or manipulate. Don't people please to the point that you lose your values and sense of self. Let your values guide your boundary setting. 

Tell the truth: when setting boundaries, don't lie to protect someone's feelings or to avoid being direct (i.e. Don't say "I can’t go to your party because I'm sick" when the truth is that you just don't want to go or you double-booked yourself). Don't exaggerate the truth to justify a boundary or need. Don't minimize needs or feelings to avoid speaking up for yourself. 

This stuff is tricky. Give it a try. You won’t be perfect at first, but you're worth practicing. If you need more help setting boundaries, you can practice the FAST skill by getting in touch with us!   

Clutter as my To-do List

I do not know how to be an organized person.  I try desperately to make it happen and the next day it’s back to square one.  It’s terrible.  This morning I was again lamenting the fact that I have so much trouble organizing and my husband said that’s because you have too much paper.  Hmmm, that’s true.  But I told him if I put it away then I forget about it.  He yells, “EXACTLY! You use clutter as your to-do list!!!”  ohhhh.  Meaning all this stuff is a distraction from the really important stuff I need to do?!?!!?  UGH….

This is a really big ah-ha moment for me.  20 minutes ago I started putting everything away realizing that there are way too many distractions in my life.  I don’t need to leave my UGGs out in case it gets cold so that I remember to put them on. Yep, I do that.  I leave piles of books, papers, art projects, you name it so that I don’t forget about anything. I thought I liked seeing all my cool projects lying around, but it makes me completely anxious now that I think about it.  It really it just creates chaos in my mind and in my physical space. So today I am going to try doing one little thing at a time and we will see how it goes.  

It already feels so much better.  My clutter to-do list is way too overwhelming.  I am going to see how this experiment goes and will report back.  The anxiety is already leaving the building!  

Ahhhhhhh.

The Post Without a Name

My fantastic day that was taken away

The day that was supposed to be all about me isn’t

First world problems and why am I whining?

I’m selfish, this is my job as a mommy

Now I feel guilty

I had a day all to myself.  All about me.  I was even excited at 2 am.  I had trouble sleeping but that was ok because I had a day of rest and relaxation planned out with some work and chores thrown in.  Then, at 4 am the dog decides he must go outside.  He did his business then decided it was a great time to roll all over while I am glaring at him from the other side of the door.  Finally I fell back asleep around 6 am.  Alarm goes off at 6:20, but that’s ok because I still have my whole day when I get back from morning errands.  

My son woke up not feeling any better from the night before.  He’s staying home.  My husband forgot to have a meeting with me about money, which is fine at night but stressful when we rush it in the morning.  Then we can’t find the right super hero show on TV and can’t find the network password to find it on the Apple TV.  We ran out of batteries for the remote so I took them out of the bathroom scale.  Now my English Breakfast Tea is cold.  All the while I am really trying to breathe and tell myself these are such minor things. But that also means that I was seriously getting pissy about my day being taken away.

I was supposed to wake up, do school drop off while listening to our book on audible together.  It’s a fun morning tradition complete with dragons, sword battles for legendary characters, etc.. Then I listen to my new book on the way home.  The best part was upon arrival at home I would begin my new workout today and healthy eating plan.  Sigh…  

It’s now 8:35 am.  My plan is to now rearrange my crappy mindset.  Obviously I can still make this day about me, but my little (not so little) guy comes first.  “Mommy please get me my pillow” makes my heart melt.  Now that it is quiet here, I have regrouped and will make the day what it was originally going to be but with a few minor tweaks.  

Conclusion?  My day was great, it was exactly as it was meant to be.  Sometimes changing my mindset takes a bit of extra effort.  But it always makes me feel better.  Taking a pause, several deep relaxing breaths and tuning into what is actually the most important feels right.  The days will continue to be occasionally messy and they can still be cleaned up.  My day turned out to be quiet, peaceful and soothing.  EXACTLY what I wanted in the first place.