When Your Partner's Not on Board with Couples Counseling

"I know something needs to change. I've brought up counseling to my partner but they don't want to go. I think we need it, but they aren't budging."

Sound familiar? If this if you, you're not alone.  I hear this from clients (and friends) a lot.  It's a tough place to be in and may bring up a number of thoughts and feelings in you when you need couples therapy but you're partner is not on board. You may give up, bury feelings of sadness, fear, and resentment only have those feelings come out sideways at a later time. You may try to argue, coerce, threaten, or pester. You may even be passive aggressive. Unfortunately all these strategies are effective in making things worse, but not effective in making your relationship better or getting your partner to therapy. They may even reinforce your partner's idea that this is your problem and push them farther away from agreeing to work on their own part in all this.

"Yikes, that is NOT what I want!"

I know! My suggestion: take the advice of Gandhi to "be the change you wish to see in the world" and do couples counseling for one.

"But, Erika," you say, "if I go to therapy, the terrorists win! That's not fair. My partner needs to do this with me too."

Maybe. In a perfect world, you wouldn't couples therapy need it in the first place. But are you willing to give up or burn up the relationship because it’s not fair!?!

So, while you'd prefer for your partner to join, is that always imperative in order to create positive change in your relationship?? Maybe not. Here's some points to ponder...

1. You are ultimately the only one you can change. The Serenity prayer says "grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."  You can’t change your partner, but you can change you and individual therapy can help with that.

2. In systems theory, changing one part of the system can promote change the whole system. If you’ve been stressed, chances are you’ve been operating at a suboptimal level in your relationship. It’s possible the poor communication and bad habits of your partner are a reaction to some of your poor communication and bad habits. When you change you, it’s possible some of those negative feedback loops can change too.

3. When you are working on you, you are in a better position to suggest the other person be working and changing too. When they see that therapy isn’t horrible, it isn’t about blaming, and that it’s promoting change that benefits both partners, some people are more open to going themselves.

4. Waiting until both people agree to get help often means both people are in crisis, both have been severely hurt. Both are, simultaneously, more desperate for change and more deeply stuck. And then people wonder why therapy doesn’t feel helpful. The deeper you dig that pain pit, the longer it takes to crawl out of it...even with help.

For more info about how to create change in your relationship, contact us today. We're here to help.

Make Taking a Break from an Argument Effective

Time outs can be a great strategy to diffuse an escalating argument with your partner. But if you haven't tried this strategy, it can be ineffective or make things worse. In order to increase the odds that it works, try these tips.

1. Agree on the strategy ahead of time. Asking for space during a fight can trigger abandonment fears in your partner. They may continue to pursue out of fear and you may feel trapped or smothered and both of you feel more distressed. Talking about it ahead of time can help you lay ground rules and create a shared meaning and understanding that a break is meant to be a helpful tool not a destructive weapon.

2. Set a time to reconvene. Taking a break is meant to help you calm down so you can headdress the conflict with cooler heads. It's not a way to avoid a topic. Setting a time helps manage anxieties that both parties won't be heard or that a resolution won't be reached. People are more likely to disengage if they know they can reconnect later.

3. Don't use the break to rehearse your zingers or low blows or to remind yourself how right you are or how wrong they are. Instead, use time to calm down, and come back to goals and values. I suggest doing deep breathing. If you're not breathing calmly, you can't talk calmly.

Still need help? We are relationship experts and can help you and your partner fight effectively. Contact us today. 

Valentine's Day for One

I used to hate this holiday, even if I had a boyfriend.  So much pressure!  I always felt like I *should* be going out to dinner at an expensive restaurant but I didn’t want to. I didn’t like getting flowers and I am not a chocolate fan.  I would rather have a big steak and fries  So while this is a holiday totally geared towards couples, this year I am going to make it about me!  I think you should join me in the rebellion.

After I tend to the things I can’t ignore in the morning, the dog, my son and getting out of bed, here is my plan for the day.  I don’t want to come up with things at the last moment, so I am planing weeks in advance.  

Things I have planned to make this a lovely day for me, myself and I.  

*Breakfast - taking myself out for a quiet, peaceful way to start my day and really indulge in all the flavors.  No calorie counting allowed, mimosas encouraged.  I invited my good buddy Lindsay to come with me.  

*Pedicure - the longer version where it takes about an hour or more. Pamper pamper pamper me.

*Dog Park - this might seem odd, but I love going by myself and listening to my favorite book or podcast.  Fletcher can run around while I stroll.  Plan B if it’s a snow day: movie at home on couch with Fletcher, knitting and a roaring fire.

*Finish up my art project I started a few months ago.  

*Writing a love letter to somebody I love a whole bunch, somebody who won’t expect it.

*Dinner will be with my family because that would be weird to ignore them, plus I already made the entire first part of the day one of indulgence for myself.  Dinner will be about love in general.  It will also be steak and fries!  

The goal here is to know that you can bring self-love and compassion throughout the day.  You can do this any day of the year.  I just think it is fun to turn the tables on a traditional day and make it count for you and what you need.  I hope you join me and celebrate yourself all day long.  This could become a really cool habit.

Taking care of yourself 1st so you can then give back to others.

(P.S. - I just told Chad about this post and he said I should do this weekly.  MISSION ACCOMPLISHED)  

Why I Ask My Husband If I May Spend Money

What was the very first thing that popped into your mind after reading this title?

Was it…

• He’s a super controlling husband!

• Wow, she has no backbone.

• Are we living in the 1950’s?

• Gag!  Typical gender roles!

Did you feel…

• Like puking?

• Anger?

• Confusion?

• Connection?

Just to be clear, I DO NOT ask for permission.  Chad and I have a few assigned roles in our relationship and one of them is that he handles most of the money and paying the bills.  I don’t want to handle it.  I am informed and we speak at least once a week about the money, but he is the one who is intimately involved with it. Therefore, I am inquiring about the state of affairs in our bank account.  We have a set amount of money that we can each spend without speaking to the other first.  In other situations, we agree to have a conversation about any amount above and beyond that.  If he wants to spend, he checks in with me and if I want to spend, I check in with him.  However, for years and years, I saw this as my husband trying to CONTROL me - and oh the fights we would have.  Now I know that control was never the case but I made it the issue.

When I finally realized it had nothing to do with control but all about having security for the family, I let go of that control thing.  I do have to say it took considerable effort to let go of that feeling. Couples get all wrapped up in situations where one person simply has more information but it comes across as controlling.  This is a mindset that needs shifting.  Look at the facts.  One of the major facts I overlooked was that I didn’t want to take care of the money and he did.  I opted out and then didn’t want to play along.  So I opted out and then got pissy when it didn’t suit me.

If that sounds at all familiar, ask yourself if YOU are being fair or if you are opting out and then not wanting to play by the rules you helped to create.  What rules have you broken that you co-created??   If you need help untying some of these twisted scenarios, we are experts at helping to heal relationships, call us!

Bored in Your Relationship? Maybe it's Because You're Boring!

A cause of stress, complaints, and unrest I hear is usually because couples feel bored with their relationship. At its best, it leaves people feeling stale. At its worse, it leaves people leaving the relationship, having affairs, or creating excitement/numbing boredom with addictions (food, gambling, drugs, alcohol, shopping...).

So how can we avoid that, or at least decrease the likelihood of that??

Don't be boring! Create excitement. Create novelty.

When people first start dating, their brains are lit up by the newness of the relationship. You're meeting a new person and finding out about their personality, their quirks, their interests. You're exploring your chemistry and how to be intimate and sexual with each other. You're probably going on dates and trying new restaurants or hikes or vacation spots. New new new!

Then familiarity and routine set in. While this can provide comfort, it can lead to neglect of people's need for novelty and excitement. Enter boredom!

So, here’s a hot tip to help when you are bored in your relationship:

Proactively create novelty! Go on dates! Experiment with sex! Tell different stories! Work on new projects together!

Other, not so sexy, tip: practice beginner's mind. Beginner's mind is a mindfulness concept of dropping preconceptions and engaging in life and interactions as if it’s your first time. Don't be a know-it-all. Don't buy whatever same old boring story you come up with about how the day or activity will go. Just be in the moment. Even if it’s just cooking dinner, see what you can learn or notice. See how you can find excitement. Create novelty in the mundane.

Holidays are a great time to get un-boring! Plus novelty and beginner's mind are the gifts that keep on giving. Enjoy!

Why do people have affairs?

Why do people have affairs?

If you ask people why they think other people have affairs, they think it’s about sex.  They think that perhaps one person isn’t measuring up in the bedroom.  It’s NOT about sex.

Affairs are about reconnecting with or newly discovering parts of yourself you have lost or parts you never knew existed.  It’s an awakening of sorts. That’s what makes affairs so enticing and erotic.  People who have affairs are constantly saying that they feel ALIVE again.

Most people who have affairs – emotional or physical – say that it is totally against their morals, values and ethics.  But the carrot being dangled in front of them is too good to pass up.  The carrot is like a magic pill to reinvigorate and reignite passion in themselves and in life.

And here’s the thing that most people don’t get…lots of people who have affairs are in what they call a happy marriage or partnership.  That’s not true for everybody, but it is true for a lot of people.

For people really missing things in their life, they will find it fulfilled with an affair partner.  Not being paid attention to?  They’ll find it in another person.  Not feeling needed, loved, heard, valued, seen?  They’ll find it and be seduced by it because they are so starved for that one thing.

Affairs may take a long time to get over, or to move past.  But it’s not at all impossible.  In fact, while it is incredibly painful for the betrayed partner, some of them say it’s a huge wake up call and are extremely motivated to rescue and repair the marriage.  It doesn’t mean that they aren’t angry, of course they are.

If you have had an affair or you suspect your partner is having an affair, this is not the end of your world.  Let’s get each of you the tools and techniques needed to move beyond the betrayal and regain something better than you had before.

You don’t have to suffer by yourself!  I specialize exclusively in relationships issues for couples and individuals and marital affairs.  Let’s make your relationship what you have always wanted it to be….trustworthy, honest, safe, loving, fun and passionate.  If you are ready for that, let’s talk today.

The Anatomy of an Argument: Step 6 - Give and Ask for Equal Regard

Brent Atkinson describes this step in the following terms.  “Let your partner know that you’re willing to keep an open mind to the potential merit of their viewpoint.  If a decision needs to be made, be willing to be flexible and attempt to find a middle ground.”  He goes on to say that successful relationships operate like a democracy - every person gets one vote and every vote counts equally without having to prove why their reasoning is valid.

Researchers can’t always tell in an argument what success looks like while couples are going at it.  Success sometimes shows up at the end of the argument.  When 2 people are willing to give equal regard to their partner’s point of view, even if they staunchly disagree, that’s where the success lies.

When one person tries to diminish another’s feeling, priorities or opinions, they are standing on shakey ground.  These aren’t facts, they are belief systems.  Stop thinking that your beliefs are the best.  The obviously perfect example is all over the news right now. Trump vs Hillary.  Thank goodness when you go to the polls you won’t have to defend your pick!  So stop putting your partner / spouse / best friend on the defensive, you won’t win.  You are only building up resentment.  Be a superstar and argue like a champ.  THAT’S how you actually win.

If you are looking for couples counseling for you and your spouse, or couples counseling for one, we would love to help. Make an appointment today.

Be sure to check out steps 1-5 of Anatomy of an Argument.

The Anatomy of an Argument: Step 5 - Offer Assurance with Flexibility

In Step 2 of Anatomy of an Argument, we look at avoiding a judgmental attitude when fighting with your partner. Step 2 is integral to Step 5 - offering assurance.

When you offer up assurance, the goal is to communicate to your partner that you are doing your best to keep an open mind.  For lots of folks out there, this is insanely difficult because they think their way is just fine, no problem.  The other person feels strongly about their position.  You each have to figure out how to come to terms with the other’s place when neither of you are wrong but you still have a hard time tolerating the other’s perspective.

For example, my husband and I are polar opposites when it comes to privacy vs sharing on certain issues.   I like to get counsel from friends and colleagues, he’s not into me doing this.  He actually has a brilliant mind.  But to my dissatisfaction, his mind instantly jumps to all the potential risks involved.   I don’t mind risk, he craves certainty.  This is an ongoing struggle.  We typically come out of these arguments ok and with a better understanding of the other person and usually with a lot of sympathy going back and forth between us.  But man it’s like clawing my way out of a hole sometimes.  

When all's said and done and I have regained my emotional balance, I actually do see his point of view.  I don’t like it, I don’t think like he does, but I accept that this is the way he is / has always been / most likely won’t ever change.  Neither will I.  Our task is to continually strive to let the other person just be and to learn to cope with our differences in more meaningful ways.  It’s a never ending journey.  Make it count.