Gaslighting - A Form of Manipulation

If you were like me, you had parents who did their best but made mistakes. One mistake that can have lasting impact is invalidating or gaslighting.       

Whats gaslighting

It’s basically crazy making. Its denying or significantly distorting facts and feelings. In my house it looked like not talking about fights or denying fights, being told I was too sensitive, being told that I was selfish for not helping even though I didn't know help was required, being told "I never said that" or "I already told you that". There was a lot of stress in my family and that sometimes left insufficient room for my needs and emotions.           

Is Gaslighting Manipulation?

Gaslighting is often described as a form of emotional abuse and manipulation. But it’s not always so conscious and sinister. Sometimes a parent or caretaker simply doesn't have capacity or skill or emotional space to see our emotion or take our perspective. But regardless, the result of chronic invalidation is that we are left separated for our self, our feelings, and our intuition. The initial anger we may have felt as a kid gets turned inward and manifests in poor self worth, shame, and depression. Most of the people I work with (and in my case as well) deal with that by numbing and soothing those invalidated emotions with food, sex, alcohol, drugs, codependency, etc. I would happily be out of a job if parents would be able to validate their kids emotions.

I think through therapy and work on ourselves we learn to validate ourselves and be comfortable with our own reality and then can we be able to tolerate the feelings and perceptions of others. By doing that we can make an impact on future generations.

Thanksgiving Day Tips for People with Eating Disorders

Thanksgiving can be hard for everyone.

It's a lot of people, a lot of preparation and clean up, and of course there's all manner good old f-ed up family dynamics. But this food focused day can be exceptionally hard for people with eating disorders to navigate. Here's a few quick tips to help you deal with an eating disorder during the holidays.  

1. Keep your routine as normal as possible. Don't restrict or skip meals before dinner. Doing that may make it feel more safe, but it actually sets you up to be more anxious, less present, and more likely to struggle with diner if you go into the meal super hungry.

2. Don't spend extra time around the food. Limit time in prep and clean-up of food. Being around the food more than necessary may keep you focused on food and more likely to be anxious, calorie counting, or triggered to binge. Instead, see if you can spend time with friends and family outside the kitchen. When possible, before and after the meal, distract, distract, distract.

3. Don't drink much, if at all. That will make staying centered and grounded and connected more difficult.

4. Remember that it's just one meal. Regardless of culture and family messages, thanksgiving doesn't have to be a gluttonous free for all. It's just a meal. No need to eat past fullness. That being said, it's just one meal. Even if you eat more than you usually do, you may feel uncomfortable and at the same time you're safe. Your anxiety and fullness will pass. One meal doesn't make or break your life or your body. Usually bodies are far more flexible and forgiving with food than your eating disorder mind is.

5. Try to redirect your focus from food to gratitude and family. Food doesn't have to be the centerpiece of your day. The day originated as a way to celebrate friends and family and give thanks. Don't let your anxiety and eating disorder rob you of that. The meal can be challenging AND you can still feel and focus on gratitude. Be grateful that you have a meal to attend, that you are brave for showing up, that you have values you are moving towards (connection, family, love, humor, integrity, etc.) that are more important than your eating disorder.

If you or a loved one are struggling with an eating disorder, we are here to help. Contact us to schedule a consult.

Therapy as a Part of the Heroines Journey

I had heard of the hero’s journey. It was made popular by Joseph Campbell and is an archetype for human struggle and growth and is the basis for most all stories.

But I hadn’t heard of the heroine’s journey. While the hero’s journey is the archetype of peoples interactions with their life and environment and society, the heroine’s journey is the archetype for peoples struggles with their emotions, needs, intuition, and sense of self. The hero deals with the exterior. The heroine deals with the interior.

I heard about this concept from a podcast (typical Erika). Here is an expert from an article that outlines the steps of the heroines journey.

Note: While this talks about the journey for a heroine with she/her pronouns, it’s not a gendered thing. Men and women and non binary folks in western society lose their feminine selves (connection to emotions and intuition) and over emphasize masculine energy (productivity, busyness, conquering). I bet if you ditch the gendered wording you’ll relate.

”1. ILLUSION OF THE PERFECT WORLD. The heroine has an idea of the world she is living in that is not entirely accurate. She uses coping strategies that she believes will work in the world as they believe it to be. Such coping strategies can include: naivete (nothing will happen to me); men/dominant group will take care of me; I am exceptional and will be “one of the guys” or just simply fit in seamlessly; everything will work out if I can please my mother/father/husband/boss/etc. This is us living as our false self.

2. BETRAYAL/DISILLUSIONMENT. The heroine’s coping strategies fall apart either because she is betrayed by someone, because they realize their coping strategy is toxic/ineffective, or because they realize their assumed world is not what they thought. This may be a loss of some kind, a breakup, divorce or a perceived failure that breaks the heroine down emotionally.

3.THE AWAKENING & PREPARING FOR THE JOURNEY. The heroine may initially become hopeless but eventually she decides to do something about her situation. Others may try to discourage the heroine, but the force of the betrayal or failure pushes her on. The whole direction of her life begins to change. The heroine searches for the tools she needs, but is still looking outside of herself.

4. THE DESCENT—PASSING THE GATES OF JUDGMENT. The heroine experiences fear, abandonment, guilt, and/or shame associated with giving up her old way of being. She may be challenged by the outside world with judgments against her new identity. She may feel guilty or ashamed about sexual desires/expression. Or she may have fears/shame associated with expressing herself honestly and freely, honoring her intuition, setting boundaries, and/or letting go of relationships that aren’t in alignment anymore. Out of fear, she is trying desperately to control life and every aspect of it. As a result, nothing can flow smoothly. The heroine must give up control and all of her strategies/tools/defenses/“weapons” to move forward.

5. THE EYE OF THE STORM. In this stage (which corresponds with Murdock’s Boon of Success) the heroine experiences a small taste of success which brings about a false sense of security. The heroine may experience momentary—but not sustained—success because she is not a vibrational match for this success quite yet. She is still clenching, closing and trying to control. She has more to learn before she finds peace and wholeness.

6.DEATH/ALL IS LOST. In this stage the heroine realizes that her original coping strategies are no longer effective and that her new-found skills/tools/coping strategies are not sustainable. To continue on this way is depleting her energy, and as things get worse, the heroine feels there is no hope. Despite her best efforts, she fails to move forward and is forced to accept defeat. She is finally ready to surrender.

7. SUPPORT. The heroine meets someone (who may be a spirit/goddess/muse within, a friend, family member, love interest, spiritual teacher, coach, or specific resource) who offers support. The heroine embraces the “feminine” aspect of receiving support and accepts that she is not completely self-sufficient. The heroine surrenders as opens herself to receive. She embraces her need for support as a positive thing knowing that she needs to do things differently than she has in the past in order to successfully move forward.

8. REBIRTH/MOMENT OF TRUTH. The heroine finds her strength and resolve with the help of this support. She “awakens” and sees the world and her role within it differently. The heroine understands that brains, heart, and courage will be required, and she begins to face her own fear with compassion.

9. RETURN TO A WORLD SEEN THROUGH NEW EYES. The heroine sees the world for what it is (not better than it is and not worse). Her experience will change others—but receiving recognition for being a change-maker is not the heroine’s priority. The consequences of her experience and awakening may extend beyond her lifetime and into future generations through her children, younger siblings, friendships, etc. The heroine’s reward is spiritual and internal. She now knows herself on a deeper level and is committed to showing up as this centered, compassionate being in the world. This new outlook brings new, more effective strategies for living. I see this play out with myself and clients. People come in to therapy separated from their self. They thought the relationship, or job, or perfect body, or approval of family, or an impressive circle of friends, etc was supposed to be the thing. But in pursuit of that thing, they lose themselves. Some are addicted to substances or food or porn, or maybe numbed out, or just stuck. All are unhappy. Therapy can be a process by which we continue on the journey to ourselves. Spoiler alert: it sucks sometimes. If you’re lucky you reconnect to all your disowned rage and grief which ultimately carves out space for true connection and joy but first feels like a deep dark cave of pain. As someone’s who’s spent much more than one dark night of the soul in a dark cave, and will undoubtably go back another time or twenty, my favorite job is to be a tour guide and companion to the cave, and in the cave, and finally, at your pace, out of the cave. Basically, I’m loving the framework of the heroines journey as a blueprint. It feels more predictable and hopeful. I hope it resonates with someone else out there as well!”

We are all people on a journey, and whether you believe it or not, we all have both a hero’s and heroine’s journey to walk. If you need help figuring out the details of yours, I am here for you. Individual therapy can help you come to terms with your journey. Reach out to me today.

When Your Partner's Not on Board with Couples Counseling

"I know something needs to change. I've brought up counseling to my partner but they don't want to go. I think we need it, but they aren't budging."

Sound familiar? If this if you, you're not alone.  I hear this from clients (and friends) a lot.  It's a tough place to be in and may bring up a number of thoughts and feelings in you when you need couples therapy but you're partner is not on board. You may give up, bury feelings of sadness, fear, and resentment only have those feelings come out sideways at a later time. You may try to argue, coerce, threaten, or pester. You may even be passive aggressive. Unfortunately all these strategies are effective in making things worse, but not effective in making your relationship better or getting your partner to therapy. They may even reinforce your partner's idea that this is your problem and push them farther away from agreeing to work on their own part in all this.

"Yikes, that is NOT what I want!"

I know! My suggestion: take the advice of Gandhi to "be the change you wish to see in the world" and do couples counseling for one.

"But, Erika," you say, "if I go to therapy, the terrorists win! That's not fair. My partner needs to do this with me too."

Maybe. In a perfect world, you wouldn't couples therapy need it in the first place. But are you willing to give up or burn up the relationship because it’s not fair!?!

So, while you'd prefer for your partner to join, is that always imperative in order to create positive change in your relationship?? Maybe not. Here's some points to ponder...

1. You are ultimately the only one you can change. The Serenity prayer says "grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."  You can’t change your partner, but you can change you and individual therapy can help with that.

2. In systems theory, changing one part of the system can promote change the whole system. If you’ve been stressed, chances are you’ve been operating at a suboptimal level in your relationship. It’s possible the poor communication and bad habits of your partner are a reaction to some of your poor communication and bad habits. When you change you, it’s possible some of those negative feedback loops can change too.

3. When you are working on you, you are in a better position to suggest the other person be working and changing too. When they see that therapy isn’t horrible, it isn’t about blaming, and that it’s promoting change that benefits both partners, some people are more open to going themselves.

4. Waiting until both people agree to get help often means both people are in crisis, both have been severely hurt. Both are, simultaneously, more desperate for change and more deeply stuck. And then people wonder why therapy doesn’t feel helpful. The deeper you dig that pain pit, the longer it takes to crawl out of it...even with help.

For more info about how to create change in your relationship, contact us today. We're here to help.

May Meditation Series: Mindfulness Snacks

Meditation doesn't have to be formal or last for extended periods of time. Sometimes, there is just as much benefit from doing random mindfulness throughout the day. The idea is to simply control your focus whenever you can/whenever you think of it. It will help with attention, help get unstuck from old patterns, help avoid being a mindless zombie, help cultivate excitement and gratitude, etc.

3 Basic ways to focus attention and be mindful:

1. Observe. Just notice. Look at your surroundings, your body, your thoughts. Move your eyes, move your head. Cultivate awareness and curiosity.

2. Describe. Put words to your experience. Lable what you notice. Try to avoid judgement. You can do this silently, in your head. You can also use this skill in conversation or by journaling.

3. Participate. Show up. Throw your whole body and mind into what you're doing. Let go of judgement or expectations or self consciousness.

Let's Talk About Triggers

Let’s be honest, it’s probably the recently past holiday season that’s inspiring me to write about triggers.  We all have them.  I’m guessing that when you combine family, food, alcohol and never ending Christmas music, most of us are bound to get triggered!  I’d bet that getting triggered is a part of life for anyone who spends any time around other people.  Getting triggered can be a complete disaster or no big deal at all.  It all depends on how we respond.  Think about it, if someone is constantly getting triggered and reacts with major emotional outbursts to every one, they may not have a lot of success functioning in our society.  Why we get triggered by some things and not by others is a bit of a mystery.  It can childhood experiences, upsetting events in life, or just plain old pet peeves!

If your goal is not let triggers impact your life in any meaningful way, then the key is to have little or no reaction to the triggering event.  In order to accomplish that, you must first dive into some self-awareness.  The first step is recognize when you are being triggered.  It’s generally a physiological reaction, so notice what’s going on in your body.  For me, my face gets hot, breathing gets short, and I lose any sense of patience immediately.  Noticing what happens in your body when you’re being triggered can help you figure out why someone’s seemingly innocent comment or action has made you feel furious out of nowhere. I am also able to notice that I am completely over-reacting to situation.  I’ll say to myself, “that wasn’t a big deal, why am so angry all of a sudden?!”  That’s one way I know I’m being triggered.

The next step is to monitor and control your reactions to being triggered.  Once you’ve been able to identify the feelings that are associated with your triggers, what is your reaction going to be?  If you’re like most of us, you’d like your reaction to be something along the lines of flipping over the nearest table doing your best impression of the Hulk.   However, if that is your response, you may not keep jobs or friends too easily.  Another common response is the passive aggressive approach.  This is when you keep all your anger and irritation on the inside, and respond with a calm, well thought out comment that you know will really upset the person triggering you.  What about a new approach?  The next time you get triggered, try first acknowledging that what’s happening to you by being aware of your physiological responses.  Then make a conscious choice to keep calm and come up with an appropriate response that you won’t regret later.  

If you are still having issues with triggers and feel like you need a little extra help, please reach out! I would love to talk to you.

Valentine's Day for One

I used to hate this holiday, even if I had a boyfriend.  So much pressure!  I always felt like I *should* be going out to dinner at an expensive restaurant but I didn’t want to. I didn’t like getting flowers and I am not a chocolate fan.  I would rather have a big steak and fries  So while this is a holiday totally geared towards couples, this year I am going to make it about me!  I think you should join me in the rebellion.

After I tend to the things I can’t ignore in the morning, the dog, my son and getting out of bed, here is my plan for the day.  I don’t want to come up with things at the last moment, so I am planing weeks in advance.  

Things I have planned to make this a lovely day for me, myself and I.  

*Breakfast - taking myself out for a quiet, peaceful way to start my day and really indulge in all the flavors.  No calorie counting allowed, mimosas encouraged.  I invited my good buddy Lindsay to come with me.  

*Pedicure - the longer version where it takes about an hour or more. Pamper pamper pamper me.

*Dog Park - this might seem odd, but I love going by myself and listening to my favorite book or podcast.  Fletcher can run around while I stroll.  Plan B if it’s a snow day: movie at home on couch with Fletcher, knitting and a roaring fire.

*Finish up my art project I started a few months ago.  

*Writing a love letter to somebody I love a whole bunch, somebody who won’t expect it.

*Dinner will be with my family because that would be weird to ignore them, plus I already made the entire first part of the day one of indulgence for myself.  Dinner will be about love in general.  It will also be steak and fries!  

The goal here is to know that you can bring self-love and compassion throughout the day.  You can do this any day of the year.  I just think it is fun to turn the tables on a traditional day and make it count for you and what you need.  I hope you join me and celebrate yourself all day long.  This could become a really cool habit.

Taking care of yourself 1st so you can then give back to others.

(P.S. - I just told Chad about this post and he said I should do this weekly.  MISSION ACCOMPLISHED)  

You Can Do Hard Things

When I did the LA marathon, I did it in memory of my grandma. She died of lung disease, so I ran to celebrate the use of my lungs in her honor and, to memorialize that intention, on my race bib it said, "for GG". 

I’d never run more than a half marathon before signing up for LA, but I trained well, even though all the training was hard. I got to the start line on race day and was so excited for the thing I'd been anticipating and preparing for that I went out fast. It didn't feel too fast - it felt great, and I was so proud of myself. But then I started to get tired, and my stomach cramped up. I saw a friend of mine pass me by and it looked like she was floating while I was barely hanging on and I was pissed at how hard this was for me. Then my legs started to hurt and added fear to my frustration. I stopped to walk in Beverly Hills. I was crying. It felt like my options were to get injured or quit. I took out my earbuds so I could ask someone to use their phone to call my parents to come get me. Just then someone happened to yell out "Do it for GG". "God damn it" I said with a laugh and the innate knowing of what I now had to do. I cried more...but they were different tears. I didn't quit. I walked a bit more but then started running and finished the damn thing. 

My takeaway is that when I'm tired, I don't have to be stubborn and hurt myself but also that I can tend to forget my own strength. I am helped by connecting to my goals and values and taking a little break to regroup and finish what I start. 

If you're like me and my clients, these last few years have been draining...to say it politely. Life just feels hard and burn-out either has happened, is happening, or is looming on the horizon for most of us. What do we do when life hands us hard things? What do we do when we're tired, even of the things we know we want to do?  What do we do when we're walking through Beverly Hills, towel in hand, looking to just throw it in? 

While you might not have run a marathon, but I imagine you've done hard things. Fuck that – I KNOW you've done hard things. It's helpful to know how you tend to respond to stress - I tend to ignore it, then judge it, then when I’m really stressed, I want to give up. And I’m a therapist and a marathon finisher. And that all still happens. You have probably observed patterns when at work or in relationships or even in traffic or a hard yoga class for how you respond. Know those and know they are signs of stress. You don't have to listen to them and let them dictate your behavior. But it does help to recognize them and acknowledge that you're stressed and need to do something about it. 

Then see if you can remember what you did to get through hard things in the past. For me, in the marathon it was taking a break and connecting to values and remembering my strength. I’m also helped reliably by music and talking to trusted people. Maybe you journal or do art or have a mantra or memory that helps you when you remember it. We all have our process. What’s yours? When you know what you've done in the past, you can be more confident that you can overcome the current situation and use past solutions as a jumping off point to problem solve whatever life stuff you're dealing with now. 

You also don't have to do all this alone. If you're stressed and overwhelmed and don't know where to start, reach out, we love to help! 

Holiday Travel Podcast List

While you're traveling this holiday season, check these out

The holidays bring lots of love, gifts, family, and travel. It also brings some opportunities to listen to podcasts. There are lots of long rides in the car or time sitting on a plane (or hiding in your room because you just can't anymore). Why not take those opportunities to learn something about yourself and relationships and how to kick ass at dealing with both yourself and your relationships. Here are a couple suggestions, my holiday gift to you!

1. We Can Do Hard Things - Glennon Doyle and Abby Wambach and guests discuss boundaries, living authentictically, and embracing life on life's terms. They often have guests which range from celebrities to athletes to sex therapists and more.

2. Foreplay Radio - A sex therapist and couples counselor take deep dives into all things sex and relationships with an EFT (emotionally focused therapy) lens. They do a great job of exploring and validating how each partner may be feeling about and reacting to relationship issues like porn, grief, and conflict. They are helpful in role-playing deeply connected and hones conversations which can help to model communication skills for you and your partner. You could listen alone or listen together and let the conversations be a jumping off point for conversations with your loved one.

Obviously these arent a substitute for therapy, but they are a great supplement to the work you're already putting in to yourself and your relationships.

Enjoy!