The Book: Part Two

The book is complete…. I think.  For those who missed it, I spoke in a previous blog about creating ‘the book’.  For many in the adoption process, creating a scrapbook snapshot of your lives is how birth parents choose which potential adoptive parents they want to meet.  This book can be the key to getting a baby, so it’s a big deal.

Creating the book, for me, was a bit agonizing. Normally, my husband is the perfectionist in our relationship, but in this case, I was the one obsessing over the details.  I love to travel. Its an absolute passion in my life and I have so so lucky to have been to many amazing places.  Therefore, any book about me is going to have to include talking about travelling.  Normally, I’m more than happy to talk about anywhere I’ve been and all the places I still want to go.  However, when trying to show this in the book, I was suddenly questioning everything.  Here’s what happened in my brain: “What if the birth mother also loves to travel? I need to be sure to show that connection and put up fabulous pictures in from the pyramids in Egypt and Machu Picchu in Peru! She’ll love that!” But then: “wait, what if she hasn’t had the opportunity to travel? Maybe financially it’s not an option in her life and putting these pictures up will make me look disconnected from the hard reality of life and she’ll think I’m totally pretentious and don’t understand where she’s coming from.  Ok, take those pictures off”.   But then “But maybe she’ll wish her child will have the chance to travel that she never had.  Put the pictures up”  But then…..  You get the picture.

So, with some advice from the owner of the adoption agency, I decided to just be as authentically myself as possible.  All I can do is put it out there in the way that is the most true to who I am and who we are as a family and trust that the right person is out there.  Turns out that this process feels a lot like dating.  I recall some dates in my younger years when I would spend most of the night trying to figure out if I was acting right and saying the right things etc.  Then I learned that if I wanted to meet the right person to be in my life, I needed that person to like me for exactly who I am, not someone I’m trying to.  Turns out that’s true when adopting a baby also….

If you are looking to adopt, or have adopted in the past, and need someone to talk to about all of the emotions that come along with adopting, please come see me and we can work through it together.

The Anatomy of an Argument: Step 5 - Offer Assurance with Flexibility

In Step 2 of Anatomy of an Argument, we look at avoiding a judgmental attitude when fighting with your partner. Step 2 is integral to Step 5 - offering assurance.

When you offer up assurance, the goal is to communicate to your partner that you are doing your best to keep an open mind.  For lots of folks out there, this is insanely difficult because they think their way is just fine, no problem.  The other person feels strongly about their position.  You each have to figure out how to come to terms with the other’s place when neither of you are wrong but you still have a hard time tolerating the other’s perspective.

For example, my husband and I are polar opposites when it comes to privacy vs sharing on certain issues.   I like to get counsel from friends and colleagues, he’s not into me doing this.  He actually has a brilliant mind.  But to my dissatisfaction, his mind instantly jumps to all the potential risks involved.   I don’t mind risk, he craves certainty.  This is an ongoing struggle.  We typically come out of these arguments ok and with a better understanding of the other person and usually with a lot of sympathy going back and forth between us.  But man it’s like clawing my way out of a hole sometimes.  

When all's said and done and I have regained my emotional balance, I actually do see his point of view.  I don’t like it, I don’t think like he does, but I accept that this is the way he is / has always been / most likely won’t ever change.  Neither will I.  Our task is to continually strive to let the other person just be and to learn to cope with our differences in more meaningful ways.  It’s a never ending journey.  Make it count.

It's Not You... It's the Pandemic

Psychologist Amy Cuddy and writer Jill Ellynn Riley recently identified something called “pandemic flux syndrome,” a non-clinical term used to describe the mess of feelings associated with pandemic-related changes to our everyday lives.

These feelings may take the form of blunted emotions, spikes in anxiety or depression, and maybe even a desire to make a drastic change in your life. If you tend towards anxiety you may have been tempted to make a major life change, like moving across the country or changing jobs. If you tend toward depression, this may have encouraged you to retreat more from the world. Sound familiar?

Here’s a little more biology behind why we (and our brains) are having such a hard time right now:

• Our brains love predictability and certainty. We would rather be in a worse situation with a predictable end than be in a slightly better situation with an unknown end. We do not know when the pandemic will “end” or when our lives will return to “normal” or anything resembling it.

• Your brain is not very good at predicting what will make you happy. We commit these “forecasting errors” all the time by believing that something will make us happier for longer than it actually does. We might have been fooled into thinking that partially lifting restrictions or finally seeing family and friends would have made us significantly more happy than it actually has.  

• We have depleted what is known as our “surge capacity,” which is our mental and physical ability to adapt to acutely stressful situations.  At this point in the pandemic, we have been in fight, flight, or freeze mode for 18+ months, which is something that our brains are not used to processing. 

• Our brains are not designed to live in a long-term state of emergency. When you’re still in middle of an emergency, you don’t have the mental space to process what you have been through. We are still trying to make sense of all the loss we have experienced over the last year and half and haven’t had time to process our individual or collective grief. 

So how do we deal? Here are some tips for navigating these types of feelings:

•  If you’re feeling anxious or impulsive, take a step back to reconsider. Talk to someone you trust before making a big decision. 

• Set boundaries with the amount of information you take in. It is tempting to obsess over case and vaccination rates, but it is unlikely to make you feel better because it likely to change. Be mindful of what you give your attention.  

• Focus on smaller things you can control and plan things you can do. Consider what you have power over. You may not be able to control what the pandemic is doing, but you can control how you react to it all. Make time for self-care, which includes physical and mental wellness.

• Ask yourself what you need and try to find it. Some of your normal activities may still be limited but use a little creativity to come up with a new solution. Utilize the resources you have. 

• Stop asking yourself when it will be over or when things will go back to the way they were before. The COVID-19 virus is here to stay for the foreseeable future, and we all have to adjust and start living in this new “normal,” as unpredictable as it is. 

• Know that you are not alone. Be kind to yourself and others. We are all experiencing (hopefully) this once in a lifetime event and trying to adjust as we go. Somewhere out there someone else is probably feeling something similar. Remember that human beings are resilient beyond our understanding and that any response you are having is okay and valid. 

If you are struggling beyond using these tips for help, I would love to talk you through some of your feelings associated with Pandemic Flux Syndrome. Reach out to me today or book a session below.

The Anatomy of an Argument: Step 4 - Finding the Underlying Needs, Values and Worries

When we are arguing with a spouse, in the heat of the moment it’s so hard to do anything but concentrate on OUR needs and the outcome WE want.  That needs to change ASAP.  In step three of the Anatomy of an Argument series, we learn to identify the underlying needs, values and worries of our mate.

When we assume that our partner’s reasons for wanting something a certain way are stupid or make no sense, we aren’t making room in the argument for the possibility that they actually have valid concerns or worries.  If your partner’s reasons aren’t making any logical sense to you, take a step back and get curious, ask questions.  Ask if there is a fear that they haven’t disclosed.  Ask if there is an influence behind their argument that is steering them in one direction. 

You also need to get clear on your underlying needs, values and worries.   Don’t just put up a fight because you think you are more right or that your way is best.  Remember that most often you two just have a difference in opinion.  If you two can come together to discover each other’s needs, you will be solidly more empathic towards one another.  

A few years ago my husband and I got into an argument because I said something to his mother that he asked me not to.  It was a complete accident, I forgot that he had made that request (which at the time I thought was so stupid!!!)  So by the end of the argument, he was finally able to explain to me that I had actually shamed him.  EWWWW, that felt terrible to me.  The clearer you can be from the get-go, the better.  

When you find yourself in a fight with your partner, put on your Sherlock Holmes hat and start digging around.  You will be far more productive if you can help each other figure out the underlying needs, values and worries.  I would love to hear if any of you can conjure up some stories from your own life where you didn’t do this.  What happened and what do you wish you had done differently?  Please share!

Something THIS bad?

Today a client asked me if I have ever dealt with “something this bad” in my practice.  Her marriage is in a shambles in ways that frankly are hard to imagine.  To her, it’s worse than any horror movie.  I told her that I’ve never seen her exact situation, but I’ve had all the pain in the world in my practice from different clients in too many situations to count.  So the question is not about judging the extent of the “badness”.  The question is have I ever seen this much pain.  The answer will always be “yes”. 

Part of her question asks about a “degree of pain marker” to be put on situations.  The first time I realized I couldn’t put a measurement on the degree of emotional pain was when my son was in the NICU for three and a half months.  He was born three and a half months early.  I would get comments that people could relate because their child was born 4 weeks early.  I came to the conclusion that if your worst event in your whole life was your child being 4 weeks early and it scared the living shit out of you, then who am I to say mine was worse?  We were equally scared shitless.

Don’t compare your pain or life situation to anything else.  You pain is your pain no matter what anybody else thinks.  If your partner does or says things that are belittling and mean according to you, then they are belittling and mean.  I have clients from the east coast who can talk to each other in ways that would make my mid-west clients lose their mind.  The point is that if you have a feeling or an emotion or a pain, it’s real and it’s ok.

The other point is that yes, you can move beyond it if you want, but you don’t have to.  If what happened is the straw that broke the camel’s back, then it’s broken.  If you want to try everything and anything to repair it, then let’s go for it.  Just don’t feel like you have to do what all your friends say because they don’t think your pain or your situation is that bad.  Your wound might not be big to them, but to you, your heart has been ripped out.  Pay attention to your feelings, to your grief and to your needs.

I have seen pain, I have felt sad and hurt. I am here to help you get through what ever level of “bad” you are experiencing. Call and make an appointment today.

An Emotional Family Tree

I like to make emotions, thoughts, and feelings tangible for my clients.  One of the ways I do this is by creating a genogram.  Think of a family tree but with emotions, events and patterns instead of pictures.  A good genogram provides a rich history of family nuances.  They help explain how patterns and problems evolve and why they are often repeated through the generations.  

During couples counseling, we talk about the merging of 2 cultures.  That’s true if you are from the same small town or from different countries.  Every person grows up in their own unique culture that often clashes with how their partner grew up.  If you grew up in a small southern town, you might be a polite person who is sensitive to social norms.  If you grew up in a fiery tempered Italian family, you might have a loud arguing family who lets the tempers flare and then regroups immediately with no ill will. Pairing people from these different worlds often causes some relationship issues.  But when we are able to map out the family structure on both sides, it becomes clear to both partners why the other acts like they do.  We get clarity but also understanding and acceptance.

The genogram has a myriad of different uses.  Monica McGoldrick, in her book Genogrmas: Assessment and Intervention, notes the many uses genograms serve:

-to elicit family narratives and expand cultural stories

-to reframe and detoxify family legacies

-to discover unique strengths and resources

-to look at key family or personal events that were life changing

-to sensitize clinicians to systemic issues

-to uncover sources of current dysfunction

-to find sources of resilience

-to place the current issue in the context of the family evolutionary patterns

The list really goes on and on.  The genogram shows patterns vertically and horizontally.  They expand your mind to see multiple patterns at the same time and how they impact one another.  Family patterns not only grow from past generations, but, according to Goldrick, via larger social structures like religion, politics, gender, race, ethnicity, socioeconomic status, schooling, etc.

Genograms are fascinating.  They are colorful and have lines and symbols drawn all over them to depict emotions and events.  I once made a genogram in one of my drawing programs for a couple I was counseling.  It turned out to be about 5 feet wide and 2 feet high.  We went back multiple generations.  They wanted to stop the generational abuse from showing up in their children’s lives.  When we put it all out on paper, they were amazed.  After about 6 months of working together, they moved away from all those negative habits.  

If you have a complicated relationship or situation, examining your family through a genogram might shed a ton of light on the issue and help you solve it faster.  We keep gigantic sticky notes in the office and lots of colored pens to make the genogram a fun and enlightening experience.  Please call us today so we can map out your history!

That's Not Paleo

The paleo diet is about getting back to doing things how our ancestors did them. Great concept, but, thanks to marketing and bro-science, it may have led some people astray.

Just like with the Paleo diet, I believe we should be mindful of eating processed, packaged foods. I think we should be thoughtful about eating nutrient dense foods and not just eat whatever hyper-palatable shit pops up in front of our face. But at the same time, I don’t think we need to be food phobic and weigh and measure food, including every grain of quinoa, count every calorie we consume, and eat exactly the same meals day after day. That’s not what the cavemen did. They didn’t prove worth or exert control by being restrictive or disciplined with food and they probably didn’t freak out about how a night of consuming bear, berries, and beer around the campfire would fit into their prescribed macros. Cavemen  ate to survive and have energy to do tasks. They ate communally and were grateful for food.

I also believe in a healthy exercise regimen. I think we should move around, run, and lift heavy things to stay healthy and fit. Cavemen did those things to provide food and shelter and to play, not to punish themselves,  to compensate for the food they ate, or to compete to the point of injury. They probably didn’t say "well, my garmin says I ran five miles at 10mph yesterday to catch that deer, so today I have to run at least that far and I need to run it faster."

Several of the clients that see me for eating disorder therapy reported their eating disorder started innocently, in the name of going paleo. It then blossomed and was concealed in the context of restrictive diets and excessive crossfit workouts. Without a solid sense of self we can find identity in diet and lifestyle trends. Without mindfulness and ability to trust our intuition we can fall prey to relying on rigid rules, restrictions and regulations. The Paleo diet goes bad when we focus on  "WHAT cavemen did" and forget  "WHY caveman did it". They did it probably for two reasons: 1. Survival and 2. Community. If your diet and exercise are not helping you live your best life and connect with your family and community, it might be worth looking at it and asking yourself "what would a caveman do?"

If you are struggling with an eating disorder, or think you might be on the brink of an eating disorder, call us and we can help you work through it.

Can you handle this crazy??

I wanted to share a recent interview I heard regarding relationships.  I heard it on the podcast This American Life.  This episode is about people making bad choices so I was surprised when the epilogue started talking about marriage.   The host, Ira Glass, is speaking with author Alain De Button.  Button’s argues that many of us enter into marriage in all the wrong ways.  He reflects to us that we expect one person to be our best friend, lover, cohabitant, emotional support system and financial partner.  When you look at it that way, it seems so silly that we expect one person to be all those things and to do so without ever upsetting the other.  After all, you’re supposed to marry the love of your life, the most perfect person ever and live happily ever after.  When you go into marriage with those expectations, how can ever expect to succeed?  Button’s viewpoint is a very pragmatic, arguably very dark stance on love and marriage.  But I have to admit, I think he’s really on to something here….. My husband and I were in the car together listening to the podcast.  When we heard Mr Button’s ideas and examples, we both laughed…. A lot! Button suggests that when you marry someone, you have to be aware of and willing to put up with their ‘crazy’.  Everyone has some crazy and when you live with a person, you learn about their crazy pretty quickly.  Raise your hand if you know you’re crazy.  Put it another way, raise your hand if you know that something you do would drive another person you live with crazy. The question is, can you handle their specific brand of crazy, and what’s more, can you still love them through it?  The entire podcast is an hour long, but Alain De Button’s portion is only the first 5 minutes.  Give it a listen here. Do you agree with him?

If you need to talk through your crazy, or your spouse's crazy, give us a call! We can't wait to hear what kind of crazy you are going through.

The Book: Part 1

For many people who are looking to adopt a baby, creating your personal book is part of that process.  For those who haven’t had to do so, the book is like a scrapbook snapshot of your life.  Nowadays, most people use internet photo services to upload photos, add descriptions and print out hard copies. Then, these books are shared with birth mothers who use them to help match up birthparents and adoptive parents.

My husband and I are in the process of creating our book right now.  When I first heard about these books, I was  excited.  I thought it would be fun to look through old photos and share the story of our lives with others.  However, now that I’m in the middle of it, it’s really quite daunting.  With the agency that I am working with, these books are shown to the birth mothers who have most of the control when it comes to the matching process.  I like this model and I agree with the reasoning behind it; however, it is also the reason that I have about 20 pages to try to convince a total stranger that she should give me her child… her CHILD!  I’ve found this process to also make me feel very vulnerable.

How do you display seven years of a relationship in way that makes you look loving, caring, responsible, etc.  Additionally, how do we make ourselves stand out from other couples who are also just as deserving of this amazing gift?  Are we likeable? Seem pretentious? Not good enough? Generic and exactly like every other couple? I’m suddenly regretting never having gotten into the scrapbooking fad! I love my life.  I think we’re pretty great.  But honestly, in Colorado, everyone loves to hike, ski and has at least one adorable dog so how I can get us to be THE ONES?  So now I have a pile of photos, some other books to use as references, no idea what to do next… An update to follow when the book is completed.

If you are looking to adopt, or have adopted in the past, and need someone to talk to about all of the emotions that come along with adopting, please come see me and we can work through it together.

Groundhog Day, How to Not Do Things Over and Over

You've probably seen the movie Groundhog Day where Bill Murray keeps repeating the day over and over and over.  If you are doing this in your life, whether at work, home or with family, here are some things to consider.

If you have a habit that isn't serving you, get yourself a new one.  For example, if you find yourself being defensive constantly, you need to switch it up.  Instead of remaining in your defensive posture, try to take in what the other person is saying as information and not an attack.  You might tell the other person that you know you have a pattern of getting defensive and that you are trying to get out of that cycle.  If they hear you coming from a place of invitation to discuss and not a stance of defensiveness, you might find yourself having a totally different interaction.  Remember that they are used to you pushing back and possibly not being open minded.

This might be tough at first especially if the other person stays stuck in their routine of attack and blame.  If this happens, try to remain calm and always remember that if you can focus on your own reactions, you will help manage the other person.  You are trying to shift the way things have been going for months, but most likely years.  Be patient with yourself and the other person.

Habits solidify over time, not overnight.  Give yourself and your partner time to adjust and don't give up.  Like I always say, you don't walk into the gym and come out with a six pack stomach.  You need to practice new skills on a daily basis until it becomes a habit.  Once you get the habit into muscle memory, it becomes so much easier.

If you need help breaking up with your habits, or learning how to switch it up, we are here for you. Schedule an appointment today.

How Homework in Couples Counseling Helps Clients Connect

“Your scars are beautiful”

I have couples do weekly homework assignments.  They don’t take long and they are fun.  I explain to couples that just like going to the gym to build up biceps, reconnection doesn’t happen after one visit.  To build the emotional muscles in your brain, you need to exercise them consistently.  Here’s one of the coolest / loveliest / most darling responses to one of the questions asked that I have ever heard.

The statement to reply to is… “I am physically attracted to my partner.  Name one physical attribute you are attracted to.”

He said “I am attracted to so many things about you.  But the things I am most attracted to are your scars.  Your scars are beautiful.  I know what each of them means, I know what how each of them happened.”  These scars – some are small, some are pretty visible – like the one where the tracheotomy was in her neck – have a very intense story behind them.  What could be painful and awkward for her became powerful and intensely meaningful for each of them.  It’s a connection that only they have.

The smallest questions lead to profound answers neither one could ever guess would actually be spoken or written.  Couples therapy isn’t just about clearing the current crisis, it’s about reaching down deep to those astonishing and lovely insights.

I haven’t met a couple yet where AWESOME answers weren’t a part of the process.  If you or your spouse / partner want to uncover some of these touching insights, please get in touch with me and let’s get to work.  And yes, even my really angry couples have those moments where the walls begin to come down after going through these exercises.  EVERYBODY has hope and potential.

At Colorado Couples and Family Therapy, we have use many different resources and couples counseling techniques to aid you in your therapy journey. We are looking forward to working with you! Contact us today.

Back to School Basics: Let's Get Physical

Here’s a challenge: pick a fitness goal for this month for you and your partner.

Maybe you join a gym, sign up for a race, learn a new sport, find new hiking spots, join a local recreational sports league. Sky's the limit!

Potential benefits include (but aren’t limited to):

1. Stress reduction and confidence boosting. Who doesn’t want a more chill and more empowered partner!?!

2. Team building by having a common goal. Instead of being roommates or adversaries, join forces to meet a goal.

3. Infusing novelty and excitement into your routine and relationship. Novelty makes our brains feel good and keeps us happy and in the moment. A fitness challenge is a fun way to spice things up together.

4. More opportunity to be physically together and bond by sharing experiences, supporting each other through challenges, and lots of sweaty hugs!

Get out there and get physical!

Adoption Camp, Part 3

There was another camper who has really stayed with me since camp, let’s call this one Caitlyn. She was there with two siblings.  When her mom brought her to our group on the first day she told me that Caitlyn was born via an egg donor and that they tell her she is partly adopted.  Her two siblings are adopted and sometimes Caitlyn feels different because she has a different story.  Caitlyn jumped right in with the group.  She was outgoing and fun and seemed to be having a great time at camp.

In the middle of the second day, we had an opportunity to sit with the kids and talk about what it meant to be adopted and asked the kids to identify any feelings they had around being adopted. All of the kids raised their hands except for Caitlyn.  Most of the kids told their story about what they knew about their birth parents and how they ended up in their adopted families.  Most said that they were sad that they were adopted.  One of the counselors asked the kids to raise their hands if they were adopted.  I was surprised when Caitlyn also raised her hand and told the other kids about coming from an egg donor and that she doesn’t know anything about the woman who donated the egg and that was sad for her.  All of the kids listened and no one had a reaction.  As soon as she was done, the next kid anxiously started to tell their story.  As soon as we moved on to the arts and crafts portion of the activity, Caitlyn asked to speak to me in the hallway.  She started to cry and said she was uncomfortable.  I asked her to tell me more about what she was feeling.  She said she felt different than the other kids and wished she was adopted too.  She said she hated being different from her siblings and that they didn’t understand how she felt.  I wanted to tell her that every kid in that room would someday be envious of the fact that she was birthed by the woman she calls mom and that her situation was closer to typical.  Of course, those were my judgments so I didn’t say anything of the kind to her.  What I told her was that every person has something that makes them different.  Everyone has something in their lives that makes them feel like they don’t really fit in or don’t belong to one group or another.  She looked at me like I was crazy, then got quiet to think about that for a bit.

I’ve continued to think about Caitlyn since camp often.  Caitlyn seemed to have it all at 8 years old.  She had two parents who loved her very much, she lived in a wealthy neighborhood in Denver, and from what I could see at 8, she was bound to closely resemble Barbie as an adult.  Yet, from her perspective, she was different and strange and had a sad story that made her not likeable.  She craved to be accepted and the same as her peers.  In her house and at adoption camp, being the same meant being adopted and that’s what she wished she had.  

If your child is having similar thoughts and feelings as Caitlyn did, please consider family therapy. We will focus on helping you and your child navigate the sea of emotions that come with adoption or surrogacy, depending on your situation. I look forward to hearing from you!

Kate

Dream Big

I have a friend who's doing her first 100 mile ultra marathon race this weekend. While this doesn't appeal to me, I'm in awe of the audacity to try to do 100 miles. I don't even like driving 100 miles! But that's beside the point. The point is, she has a goal that a lot of people, including herself at one point, thought was impossible. Actually, she has entered shorter races and not been able to finish. There is no concrete evidence that she will finish this race. And yet she persists. She's daring to dream and risk failing in order to reach her goal.

I have another friend who is hell bent on qualifying for the Boston Marathon. He needs a time that's faster than he's ever run a marathon before and he keeps having injuries pop up and interrupt his training. He recently got injured to the point of having to stop running for a month. But he's doing the rehab, reworking his training plan, and simply rescheduling his qualifying race. He persists. Hes daring to dream and risk failing in order to reach his goal.

While I may not want to run far or fast, I am challenged by my friends to dream big, push my limits, put my ego to the side and declare goals to my friends even if I may not reach them immediately. When I want to take the easy way or temper my goals with self limiting thoughts and fear, I think of them and push past what I think is possible. If she can run 100 miles, I can finish these notes, tolerate traffic, or climb a 14er. If he can try to qualify for Boston, I can write a book or plan a dream vacation.

You may not have athletic performance goals. Maybe you want to communicate better with your partner, start a new work venture, perform at an open mic, recover from an eating disorder, work through trauma, whatever. It’s important to acknowledge your audacious goal, find inspiration around you, and take the leap. You never know, you may end up being someone else's inspiration!