Anatomy of an Argument: Step 1 - When Arguing, First Focus on *Your Own* Reactions

Couples naturally argue and disagree over almost anything you can imagine.

Fighting with your spouse or significant other can be healthy in that you are standing up for yourself and letting your feelings and intentions be known. You are telling your views and opinions. That’s great!  But are you doing this effectively?  In a series of posts I am writing, we will look at the anatomy of an effective and appropriate fight.  In this first post, we dissect why the first step in arguing effectively is focusing on your own reactions.

When we get into an argument, we are presenting our case for why the other person should come over to our side and our way of thinking…because we are more right, right?  WRONG.  In all likelihood, the other person’s opinions and beliefs are just as valid as yours.  HUH?  Yep, if you take a step back and really think about it, they just have a different viewpoint than yours.  You might not like or agree with that viewpoint, but it isn’t necessarily wrong.  Right?  People show up in the world in all sorts of different ways and you can’t make somebody wrong because they disagree with you.  The only thing you accomplish is that both of you will end up digging your heels in deeper. You each get more and more defensive.  When we get defensive, we slip into our bad habits and then we are off and running.

The first step in a successful disagreement is to focus on your own reactions.  If you can do this, you will automatically help manage the other person.  If you come out with guns blazing, you are instantly pushing all the buttons of the other person.  Their defenses will naturally go up and you have now created the perfect storm.  Want to know a better way?

In order to get somebody to listen to your opinion, you need to make sure you are acting in ways that are optimal for this to happen.  You want to get your way, right?  You must make sure you are coming to the table as calm as you can be with a tone and facial expression that isn’t off-putting. If you don’t, good luck.  Take a few minutes prior to engaging and take a few deep breaths.  Tell yourself that you are going to engage in this process in a calm and collected way.  You have valid points and the other person probably has some, too.  If you head into the conversation with an all-or-nothing-your-way-only attitude, they will sense this immediately and nobody will get their needs met.  Make it easy for your spouse or partner to give you exactly what you want!

Always remember that if you manage yourself, you manage the other.  In the next post we will explore how to avoid a judgmental attitude, the second habit that all successful couples have in their back pocket.

Here’s to fighting effectively!  Please call me and I will give you all the knowledge I have on fighting fair.  I help couples navigate arguments daily, let me help you, too.

Clutter as my To-do List

I do not know how to be an organized person.  I try desperately to make it happen and the next day it’s back to square one.  It’s terrible.  This morning I was again lamenting the fact that I have so much trouble organizing and my husband said that’s because you have too much paper.  Hmmm, that’s true.  But I told him if I put it away then I forget about it.  He yells, “EXACTLY! You use clutter as your to-do list!!!”  ohhhh.  Meaning all this stuff is a distraction from the really important stuff I need to do?!?!!?  UGH….

This is a really big ah-ha moment for me.  20 minutes ago I started putting everything away realizing that there are way too many distractions in my life.  I don’t need to leave my UGGs out in case it gets cold so that I remember to put them on. Yep, I do that.  I leave piles of books, papers, art projects, you name it so that I don’t forget about anything. I thought I liked seeing all my cool projects lying around, but it makes me completely anxious now that I think about it.  It really it just creates chaos in my mind and in my physical space. So today I am going to try doing one little thing at a time and we will see how it goes.  

It already feels so much better.  My clutter to-do list is way too overwhelming.  I am going to see how this experiment goes and will report back.  The anxiety is already leaving the building!  

Ahhhhhhh.

It's Not a Happy Pill

I should start by saying that I thought my grandparents walked on water, I absolutely adored them. Their son, Roger, died of a heart attack at 36 years old.  After that nightmare, each day my grandfather, Poppy, used to ask my grandmother, Dammy, if she had taken her “happy pill”.  I can’t imagine the number of “happy pills” I would need to be taking to endure that pain.  

But I must correct him.  It’s not a “happy pill”.  It doesn’t MAKE you happy.  Meds help stabilize so many intricate parts of you.  There are tons of people who still think of psychopharmaceuticals as a bad crutch.  Some think that if they agree to taking them that they are weak or somehow less-than.  But for those suffering from debilitating depression, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks, unrelenting OCD, postpartum depression, etc., meds can be an absolute life saver.  I know tons of people who wait for years and try everything under the sun while enduring painful and terrifying episodes.  Their mental health often deteriorates to the point where they can’t work and have to quit their job, hide away in secrecy and fear or think that they are going insane, or they end up in hospitals and inpatient clinics desperate for any kind of relief.  

Meds are wonder drugs for some who feel they can’t survive without them, and many can’t.  For others, it’s just simply amazing to feel stable and not panic and obsess or have terrifying thoughts racing through their mind.  In one of my favorite podcasts, The Hilarious World of Depression, one comedian compared going on meds to getting glasses for the first time.  OH!  So this is how I am supposed to see the world!  

In addition to meds, I encourage all my clients to have a plethora of other things in their toolbox.  People need a variety of coping skills and things to reach for because no one thing will do the trick every time.  Here are some of my favorite tools….podcasts, books, comedy, exercise, meditation, friends, touchstones, pets, music, therapy (duh), baths, workbooks and all the skills out there to help self-soothe.  It’s so important to figure out what works for you because not all tools work for all people.  

Not everybody needs meds and not everybody who needs them will take them.  If you are curious, give me a call and we can just have a chat about it.  Stop feeling awful and start feeling better today.

Change Your Perspective

There’s a great mindfulness activity I like to do with clients.

It has no name. But it goes like this:

Pick a random object and come up with at least 20 unique uses for it. For example, a keyboard (since I’m typing this on a keyboard) can be:

1. A piece of art to hang on the wall

2. A book end

3. A whiffle bat

4. A frisbe‐esque toy

5. A paper weight

6. A door stop

7. A shovel

8. A ramp or slide for toy cars to roll down

9. A lean‐to to make a Barbie tent

10. A shade for your eyes

11. You can place it on your head to practice your posture and balance

12. You can use it to mold play‐doh

13. You can use it as a tray

14. You can take all the keys off and use them as blocks

15. You can paint words on it to make a sign

16. You can use it to break glass

17. You can use it to pound/tenderize food

18. You can affix it to the wall and turn it into a shelf

19. You can prop up a table that has one leg that’s too short

20. 20. You can use it to trace a box or draw a straight line

Ugh...That was hard...

And it’s a good practice to look at things from a new perspective, challenge pre‐conceived notions or the status quo, and be non‐judgmental of the object and of yourself...nothing kills creativity like judgement.

So how is this practice helpful? I imagine that you are used to looking at certain things in the same way all the time. Maybe your emotions, maybe your partner, maybe your commute to work, maybe a challenging coworker or challenging project. You judge it, take it for granted, are bored with it. You are angry. You are resentful. You are dreaming about escaping or dreading the “same old thing.” You have lost some spark and joy. But what if dinner could turn from a chore to a time to laugh and connect with your partner? Your commute could turn from an exercise in frustration to a time to sing your favorite song or enjoy a new audio book. Sadness could turn from an emotion you avoid to an emotion that helps you slow down, reflect, and connect your values. The options are endless.

So...What can you look at differently today? Pick one thing and spend just 5 minutes doing this simple yet effective practice. What was the one change of perspective that impacted you most?

Need more? We’d love to help.

The Post Without a Name

My fantastic day that was taken away

The day that was supposed to be all about me isn’t

First world problems and why am I whining?

I’m selfish, this is my job as a mommy

Now I feel guilty

I had a day all to myself.  All about me.  I was even excited at 2 am.  I had trouble sleeping but that was ok because I had a day of rest and relaxation planned out with some work and chores thrown in.  Then, at 4 am the dog decides he must go outside.  He did his business then decided it was a great time to roll all over while I am glaring at him from the other side of the door.  Finally I fell back asleep around 6 am.  Alarm goes off at 6:20, but that’s ok because I still have my whole day when I get back from morning errands.  

My son woke up not feeling any better from the night before.  He’s staying home.  My husband forgot to have a meeting with me about money, which is fine at night but stressful when we rush it in the morning.  Then we can’t find the right super hero show on TV and can’t find the network password to find it on the Apple TV.  We ran out of batteries for the remote so I took them out of the bathroom scale.  Now my English Breakfast Tea is cold.  All the while I am really trying to breathe and tell myself these are such minor things. But that also means that I was seriously getting pissy about my day being taken away.

I was supposed to wake up, do school drop off while listening to our book on audible together.  It’s a fun morning tradition complete with dragons, sword battles for legendary characters, etc.. Then I listen to my new book on the way home.  The best part was upon arrival at home I would begin my new workout today and healthy eating plan.  Sigh…  

It’s now 8:35 am.  My plan is to now rearrange my crappy mindset.  Obviously I can still make this day about me, but my little (not so little) guy comes first.  “Mommy please get me my pillow” makes my heart melt.  Now that it is quiet here, I have regrouped and will make the day what it was originally going to be but with a few minor tweaks.  

Conclusion?  My day was great, it was exactly as it was meant to be.  Sometimes changing my mindset takes a bit of extra effort.  But it always makes me feel better.  Taking a pause, several deep relaxing breaths and tuning into what is actually the most important feels right.  The days will continue to be occasionally messy and they can still be cleaned up.  My day turned out to be quiet, peaceful and soothing.  EXACTLY what I wanted in the first place. 

Remember, You're a Team! - A Relationship Metaphor

Some parts of being in a relationship should be like being teammates. Let's examine some team dynamics that are worth considering:

• Teams practice. You may come in with skills but you spend time practicing and honing skills. If a teammate isn't improving or is getting worse, there is an attempt to help them improve. Feedback is given. Teammates don't just write off feedback, even if it is negative.

• Teams acknowledge complementary skills. Not everyone is the pitcher. Not everyone is the catcher. It's not necessarily that the requirements of different positions are always fair or even, but they acknowledge that they help each other and need each other's strengths to play well.

• Teams cheer each other on in success, share wins, console each other in loses.

• If your team mate has an off day, gets hurt, or plays poorly, you don't assume it's an attempt to hurt you or that it's your fault or that they are a bad human for being an imperfect player.

• Teams do bonding activities. Don't know how to bond with your partner? We can help with that. 

Play ball!!

Still struggling with creating a happy, healthy relationship? Contact us today and start improving your relationship tomorrow. 

3 Bad Words

1. Never

Do you use this word when describing your partner’s behaviors, intentions, etc..??  If you do, stop it.  It’s most likely not even remotely true.  “You NEVER consider my feelings.”  Never is really a clue for you.  It could be your partner is yearning for a closer connection but going about it in a backwards way.  It might be them covertly saying “I want you to know how much I need and care for you and I am not feeling that you want this, too.”  Instead of arguing that you absolutley do “X,Y and Z”, connect tiwth the emotion behind the frustration.  Is it fear, sadness or something else?  Get curious instead of defensive.  

2) Always

Always.  Again, probably not true.  Always and never are like evil twins.  Get them out of your vocabulary.  Instead of saying always, assert your frustration and be specific.  “I am getting tired of feeling like I pick up your dirty clothes on a daily basis.  That might not be totally accurate, but it sure feels that way.”  Always and Never are received as a global attack on somebody’s character.  Instead, focus on how the behaviors or events impact you on a personal level, keep it about yourself and not how horrible the other person is.  If you want the other person to have sympathy for you, attacking them is never the way to go.  Hey babe, I know you have long days too, and that you just want to relax when you get home, however just dumping your stuff on the floor feels like I am your housekeeper and I need to clean up.  Tidiness calms me down, so if you could help me with staying calm, that would be great.”

3) But

I love you BUT….  Ick.  We all know that line.  When you throw a BUT into a sentance it negates the first half of what you said!  It makes it completely irrelevant,  You can have the exact same sentance if you replace BUT with AND.  I love you AND when you come to bed at 3 am it messes up my sleep.  I love you AND when you use that tone with me I feel like a child.  I completely disagree with you AND you are entitled to your opinion.  

Try to kick those words out of your vernacular.  Those words suck AND when I use them my husband is quick to remind me about the 3 bad words.  As always, we are shooting for a B+ / A- range for being in tune and staying connected.  Nobody has an A+ unless they are brushing things under the rug, which leads to resentment and other nasty things.  Learn to air your grievances in a way that will allow your partner to give you everything you want.  

Need help in these areas?  Call us!  We are a group of relationship experts. 303-881-3355

Podcast of the Week: Hello Freedom

Let's get this clear. I'm great and have a lot to offer (including my humility..haha). Part of what I can offer my clients and blog readers is my knowledge of resources. It would be selfish and harmful to have clients only rely on therapy sessions with me once or twice a week to get information and insight to work on themselves. Working on yourself is a lifetime of work and a daily process. More is more in terms of advice, differing perspectives, and knowledge. Sharing resources helps clients meet their therapy goals quicker and can help us dig deeper in session. In that spirit, I'm recommending podcasts.

Last month, I recommended Esther Perel's "Where Should we Begin". Where it is story and insight based. Terri Cole's "Hello Freedom" is more of a lecture with practical tools.  She is heavily focused on relationships, boundary setting, and healing childhood wounds through present day behavior change. She is direct and no nonsense. It can be challenging and dense information, which makes it nice that it comes in 15-30 min episodes. While men may benefit, she definitely targets women as her audience. If you have struggled with boundaries, had relationships with people who are narcissists or addicts, or just need a kick in the butt to stand up for yourself, say hello to "Hello Freedom."

Adventures in Neurofeedback: A Case Study

A 19 year old female came for Neurofeedback at the request of her therapist. She had abused many different substances from alcohol, to pot, to heroin. She had a horrific trauma history and PTSD symptoms like flashbacks, nightmares, and panic attacks that left her unable to sleep and afraid of her own shadow. She had tried the usual medication and therapy route, but was stuck.

Within a week with three Neurofeedback sessions, she was sleeping through the night. It's amazing what sleep will do for mental health!! A week later she could do basic errands and had cut back on caffeine and nicotine. By being more regulated and stable, her strained relationships were improving too. Life wasn't perfect, but she was able to put the skills and insights she learned in therapy to work.

If you or someone you know might be a good candidate for Neurofeedback, I would love to talk to you. This type of treatment can be the key to helping those who think all hope is lost. Please contact me today for a consultation.

Erika

The Cost of Not Standing up For Yourself

You might think that holding your tongue during an argument serves you well.  It might, if you are truly able to let whatever is being said slide off your back and not sweep it under the rug.  For most of us, holding our tongue means something along the lines of “I am going to remember this and bring it up again as ammunition to use against you later!”

For others, not saying anything is a sign that they have difficulty standing up for themselves.  Often this means that the one being silent thinks the other person is controlling and then they end up blaming them somehow. Staying silent won’t make whatever “it” is go away.  It will just build up until you explode in anger or in some other fashion.

In couples counseling, I often see clients who after years of being silent can’t hold it in any longer.  The relationship is on the brink of collapse.

Given the right tools and the formula for how to effectively stand up for themselves, couples learn how to develop the emotional habits that enable them to stand up for themselves without attacking or blaming the other person.  They learn that what used to turn into a meltdown can actually turn into a productive conversation.  It’s so empowering to rise up and flourish instead of fade away during arguments.

Standing up for yourself doesn’t have to be an ugly mess that turns into a showdown with guns loaded.  Getting the right tools is essential for learning how to fight fair and stand up for yourself.

One of the first tools for effectively standing up for yourself is being able to focus on your own reactions by emotionally regulating yourself.  If you let what the other person says trigger the hell out of you, chances are the guns will come out.  Being able to regulate yourself is critical.  You need to learn to breath, stay grounded and focus on what YOU are saying.

There are many tools to help you along the way.  Would you like to learn more?  If you would like to learn how to stand up for yourself effectively, please give me a call.  I would love to hear how you regulate yourself, and please share in the comments section!

Here’s to learning how to fight fair!

Constant Attention

Having a healthy relationship takes work. It never stops taking work. That doesn't mean it has to be difficult or a daily grind, far from it.  But it needs daily attention, care and love or it will suffer. I promise. I see and hear about it every day.

I had a couple in today who I haven’t seen in about 2 years.  They were in a good place, both putting in the effort.  Life went on, they got back into their routines, sank back into bad habits and you can guess the rest. The good news is that they already know what they need to be doing. They ignored the habits they learned and quickly began blaming the other person and the defensiveness was back in full force.  

In order to get these two back on track we have to brush the cobwebs off and unearth the love. They came in highly critical and full of contempt, but they both softened by the end. It feels so bad for them right now because the fear of abandonment, perceived or real, iis masked by anger and resentment. It’s much easier to be pissed off then to enter a place of vulnerability and tenderness. Learning how to be safe in your relationship again will take a bit of time and effort. The point is that when you are not paying attention to your relationship, it will wither and eventually die if not tended to appropriately.  

If you need to brush off some cobwebs, we will help you through that process. Give us a call today and get back on track ASAP.

May Meditation Series: Focused attention

We all have monkey minds. Our minds chatter, swing from thought to thought, and, sometimes, even hurl shit at us.

To help tame the monkey mind, we can practice mindfulness to focus our attention.

One of my favorite ways to practice is four square breathing.

To do this:

1. Breathe in for four counts. Keep your focus on your in breath. Maybe notice the air passing through your nostrils or your abdomen expanding.

2. Pause. Hold your breath for four counts.

3. Breathe out for four counts. Again, notice the sensation of breath passing through your nostrils or your abdomen falling.

4. Pause for a count of four.

5. Repeat steps 1-4 four times.

Your mind may wander and monkey around. If it does, label it "thinking" and return to focusing on your breath.

Let your children punish themselves – no, really

When it comes to parenting, there is no right or wrong answer. Most people are just taking it one day at a time, and when something comes up that they don’t know how to handle they usually have people they can turn to for advice. Recently, a friend of mine posted on Facebook looking for advice on a parenting issue; here is her post (with her permission and names changed to protect the innocent):

Parenting moment: I've been a broken record over the years about putting the Nerf guns away and not leaving them out in the yard to be rained, snowed or peed on. And, it's gotten a little better, but a pair of guns has been in the yard all week. I'm trying to be patient, let them make mistakes, but hate to see expensive toys neglected. So, I picked them up and told Voldemort and will tell Malfoy this afternoon that they are going to goodwill today. Voldemort is in full on meltdown! Trying really hard not to back down. Should I let him buy them back with his Xmas money? Here's the gut-wrencher: he's not totally upset on his behalf. He's upset because it's the favorite gun of our neighbor who likes to come over and play with the boys. Hmmmmm....

My responses:

If they get ruined, you may take the position of not buying more for them. If they want more they are free to use their money to buy them. Take yourself out of the argument and hand the problem back to them.

(she asked for more on this)

The point is to make it their issue, not yours. You tell them of the consequences ahead of time and can then be a support system when they jack it all up! They will most likely be pissed at themselves. You give them two choices – leave them out to rot or take them inside. The choice is theirs and it is no longer your problem.

Before you hear the rest of my thoughts, I will tell you that there were a plethora of competing viewpoints and parenting styles.  None were wrong, just different than mine.

Here are my thoughts on the issue:

We need to let our kids mess up and EXPECT it to happen.  When you expect these things to happen it lessens the anger response.  You just think to yourself, “Oh, ok, that’s the screw up I was expecting and I don’t need to get all worked up.”  These are learning / teaching moments that you actually want to happen. Children must learn that shit happens and that there are natural consequences when shit happens, especially when it is their fault. Do not rob your children of the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and to figure it out on their own. Quit inserting yourself in their teaching moments. Get out of their way and be happy that you don’t have to get pissed off at the situation; this is what you expected to happen! As my friend wisely said, “they aren’t trying to be assholes.”  

You have enough on your shoulders already, let them handle their own mistakes.  Please don’t be the punishment that they can bring on themselves.  This isn’t true for all mistakes, obviously, but for these smaller infractions, let them be the cause of their sorrow and you be the love and support.  The end result will likely be the same - no more nerf guns. The difference is that instead of the punisher, you can be the safe place they come to for comfort while they learn their lesson.   

If you need help dealing with parenting issues, I would love to talk to you! Reach out today!