Validation Strategies: Bonus - Validate Yo Self!!

Validation isn't just for external relationships. If you want to take it to the next level with some upper division therapy shit, try the validation strategies on yourself. I'll be doing bonus blogs with each validation strategy to give pointers for how to validate yourself so you can heal and strengthen your relationship with you.

Strategy one: show up!

Real talk: How often to you show up for yourself? How often do you really take the time to check in? If your gut tries to get a hold of you, do you take the call or let it go to a voicemail you rarely check? Do you make uninterrupted time to be with yourself or do you spend alone time frantically distracting?

If a friend did to you what you do to yourself, how would you feel? Maybe sad and alone. Maybe hurt. Maybe pissed. Maybe resentful. Maybe you just give up on sharing important details about your thoughts, feelings, needs, boundaries, and values.

So often we disconnect from ourselves then wonder why we feel disconnected from our lives and our relationships. How could I fully listen to another if I'm not willing to listen to myself? How can I assert a need or a boundary if I don't know what they are? How can I express my emotions to someone if I don't how I feel?

Your relationship with yourself is SO important! If you feel like it needs some help, try paying attention to you. Start with planning some alone time, free of distraction. Maybe take a walk in nature or journal or meditate. Create a time to check in and pay attention, even just once a week or few a few min a day. It may take a while to grow, heal, or rebuild your relationship with yourself. It may not always be easy. It may not always be convenient. But you're worth it!

Self-harming Adolescents

I recently attended a lecture in a nearby community.  The lecture was titled “Cutting and Self-Harm in Adolescents”, a topic that holds my attention for both its frequency and how misunderstood it is.  When I arrived, the lecturer began by discussing a recent cluster of teen suicides in their community.  That county has the highest rate of suicide in the country and it was having an effect on the community.  Each person who was in attendance has some stake in this matter and was deeply concerned about the teens in their community.  The topic never did shift back to cutting or self harm and I can fully understand why.  Teen suicide is a big problem in America these people were coming together in hopes of finding answers. 

I did come away with a twingy feeling of concern, however.  Why did a conference that was supposed to be about self-harm and cutting turn instead to teen suicide? And why did everyone in the room feel that it was a natural progression of topics? I questioned this because the vast majority of teens who self-harm are NOT suicidal. The behavior is driven from difference motivations completely.  I think it is very important for parents, teachers and law enforcement to understand this difference.  Many adults assume that if a teen is cutting, they are suicidal and react accordingly, but that it just not true.  Cutting is a tool that teens use to ease emotional or psychological pain.  They are not trying to kill themselves.  For many of these teens, their internal feelings are very painful and overwhelming.  They do not have a healthy way to cope with these feelings.  When they inflict physical harm on themselves, the physical pain overrides the emotional pain, and provides relief.

The most at-risk population for self harm is White, middle to upper class, suburban, high-achieving females.  They are generally seen as ‘good-girls’ and can be very adept at hiding their self harming behavior.  However, self harm does not happen to just this cohort.  2 million people in the US are self-injurers and they come from every race, religion, culture and age bracket.

A somewhat newer development in the world of self-harming adolescents is that is no longer taboo.  Self-harm, particularly cutting, has become cool.  Girls are now cutting simply because their friends are doing it.  In some circles, cutting is a right of passage and status symbol.

If you are self harming, or suspect your child is, reach out for help. I can certainly help you through this difficult time.

Validation Strategies: Show Up!

In therapy, we look at ways to build relationships through effective communication. There are some basic ways to help people feel connected and, in psycho-babble terms, they're called "validation strategies". If any of your relationships feel strained or if you just want to enhance an already kick ass relationship, do more validating!!! In this little series im doing, I will go through the different strategies and of validation.

Strategy one: show up!

Duh. If you want to connect or make someone feel heard or seen you need to create a situation where that's possible. Making yourself available, setting up a time to talk, or answering a call or text or in person request is validating. It makes the person feel they are important. I can't tell you the number of times that I've talked to couples who feel hurt or invalidated because they never see their partner. Similarly, I've seen friendships get ruined or dissolved  because the friends never see each other.

But don't just be a warm body. Actually show up. Eliminate distraction. Turn off the TV....even if you're in the middle of binge watching your latest Netflix show,  there's this nifty thing they have called the "pause button" now and I would highly suggest using it. Put away the phone. Or if you're on the phone or texting, don't be watching TV and driving and painting your nails or whatever else you might be tempted to do. Focus on the conversation at hand. People notice. They care. I'm sure you like feeling attended to, so this is a great time to practice the "golden rule" and do that kindness to someone else.

Internal distractions should also be reduced. These might include, but not be limited to: making a grocery list, planning what to say next, judging the other person, daydreaming, physical pain or fatigue or hunger. Do your best to notice and eliminate as much as possible. In the case of pain or fatigue or hunger, I suggest saying something up front like "hey, just so you know I'm super tired, I'm doing the best I can, just don't want you to take it personally in case I yawn or something. I'm here. I'm listening."

Challenge: practice showing up today. Make an effort to fully arrive and listen. It will help your relationships and make you feel good about yourself. Now go get 'em tiger!

Interview with an Artist: Andrew Forlines

Living your best life takes many forms and requires many skills. One of the top ten skills is creativity. Creativity and mental health and their influence on each other is interesting to me personally and professionally. Sometimes the greatest art is born of pain and suffering. Sometimes pain and suffering rob us of creativity.  Because it's interesting to me, because I hope I can spark some thought and creativity in my clients and readers, and because I selfishly like picking the brains of creative people, I decided to do a series of interviews about creativity and mental health. This interview is with Andrew Forlines. He is involved in comedy and storytelling shows in Denver and was graciously thoughtful and vulnerable in this interview. I hope you enjoy getting to know him as much as I have.

1. You're an artist. What kind of art do you do?

I perform and produce spoken word comedic arts shows in Denver, Colorado. I perform standup, improv and storytelling.

2. It's not uncommon for creative types to struggle with mental health issues. What do you see as the interplay between mental health and creativity?

We humans are terrible at accurate causal attribution, but I'll give it a try.

This is a broad question. I'm more comfortable approaching it from my experience.

I'd say that the environment the fosters comedic instincts is the same that creates mental instability. I was raised homeschooled in isolation from society. My parents are dogmatic fundamentalist Christian. Their worldview never meshed with mine. My use of humor was developed as a tool I could employ to distract and manipulate my captors with. It was survival instinct.

What caused me to use humor and my brothers did not, I can't say. We're all just along for the ride in a sense. Consciousness is only a small part of the larger brain, yet it's convinced that it's greater than the whole.

Maybe, high intelligence is the cause of creativity. Maybe the question ought to be, what is the interplay between mental illness and high intelligence.

It is documented that less affluent societies have lower rates of depression and suicide. When people are busy staying alive and fulfilling basic needs they don't have time to lament. Even in our society, less introspective, less ‘intelligent’ people constantly react to stimulus in their immediate environment. It's mindfulness by lack of capacity.

Mental illness and creativity are both caused by a brain looking for meaning where there isn't any. Maybe.

3. You can't possibly feel creative all the time. What do you do to foster creativity and practice your craft even when you're not feeling it? Any tricks you've picked up to help you get out of your own way?

Feelings follow actions. Not the other way round. The horse pulls the cart.

You feel a way as a result of doing something or not doing something. So I constantly put myself in situations where I'm forced to perform or create. I find people to collaborate with on projects to keep me accountable and to implement deadlines.

Improv has taught me that the capacity is inside me already. I don't need to ‘create’ something as much as I need to find a way to release what's already inside. If I'm in a situation to perform, something is coming out. I'll say something.

I focus on making good situations and performance opportunities happen to react to. And if I don't feel like doing something, I think about how glad I'm be having done it compared to how miserable I'd feel not doing it. Like going to the gym. I know I don't feel like going to exercise, but never have I regretted going to the gym afterwards. Think about the feeling you get when leaving the gym to motivate you to go to the gym.

Same with performing.

Plus, I have an appreciation for performing and a zest for life after surviving my homeschool cult childhood. That motivates me.

For a long time I wasn't allowed to engage with the world. Society was vilified vehemently by my parents and the homeschool cult I was raised in. Even after the physical restrictions were lifted and I aged out of their immediate control, the psychological prison persisted. Not only was I locked into grappling with and fighting against indoctrinated beliefs, I was also encumbered with all the coping tools I had developed over the years. Disengaging both has been a process.

Now I'm free. I'm like a starved man at a buffet.

4. If you could suggest one thing for my readers to do to help them live their best life, what would that be?

Don't need so much validation from other people.

The Crab Mentality is real. Most people want things to stay more or less the way they are. If you do something interesting they may try to nudge you back in line. There is great comfort for people in predictability and certainty. So pay them no mind.

Being homeschooled and outside the schools that implicitly indoctrinate kids into conforming to the social ideal, it makes my skin crawl to see an individual seeking approval. Don't sacrifice your individuality for group acceptance! The group has its own agenda.That's what drives me nuts the most about all you ‘normies'.

Andrew Curtis Forlines, @andrewforlines on Twitter, hosts FUNNY AF every Tuesday 10pm at Voodoo Comedy Playhouse in Denver, Colorado.

He also hosts Peer Revue at Denver Museum of Nature and Science and Sunday Assembly at Crossroads Theater. As well as many other shows!

Support the local Denver comedy scene. See a live comedic arts show once a month.

Friend him on Facebook to see what all he's up to. His goal is a thousand new friends in 2017.

What is Codependency?

February is codependency month. But what is Codependency? 

Codependency is term that is thrown around a lot. It is defined as “excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, often a partner who requires support due to an illness or addiction.” But it doesn’t require an illness or addiction. Sometimes both partners are very high functioning, both may even be over functioning in the case of relationships where one partner is fairly controlling, type-a, narcissistic or a workaholic. So how does it show up? How can you know if you engage in co dependent relationship patterns? Here's a (non-exhaustive, but decent) list of symptoms:

• You have been called controlling or nagging

• You help without having been asked        

• You have a hard time setting boundaries, saying no, expressing (or sometimes even just knowing) your needs and emotions                

• You feel resentment and loss of joy                    

• You feel compelled to put others needs before your own                        

• You struggle with accepting help or compliments                        

• You feel like your worth or emotions are dependant on the state of your relationships

• You tend to be in relationships that put you in role of fixer, helper, junior therapist, caretaker, parent

If you relate to any of these, were here to help. Call or email today!

3 Reasons Why Fighting Matters

We ALL fall short.  We know we are doing it, and sometimes we just don’t care.  So when one of you has one of those days, it’s up to the other person to bring their A game.  It’s also important to realize why fighting matters.  We will worry about the repair part later when you can apologize and really mean it.

People who think that they will never fight in a relationship are, quite frankly, delusional.  In my opinion, if you are in one of those relationships, then you either aren’t being honest about things that bother you or you are sweeping things under the rug and pushing problems aside.

In my many years of couples and marriage counseling, and being in my own 17 year relationship, I KNOW fighting is healthy.  In some of my best fights with my husband, we have had our best conversations and realizations.  

Here are some reasons fighting with your spouse or significant other is important:

1. Anger sets a line in the sand, a boundary, telling the other person they have just crossed over. Anger as an emotion isn’t bad.  Your boundaries show the other person what you are willing to put up with to a point and then it’s a game changer.  If you don’t set up boundaries, people will walk right over your line without knowing or respecting it.

2. Fighting appropriately let’s you stand up for yourself and get your point across when the other person may not have realized your goals or intentions.  Don’t rob the other person of the chance to understanding your position.

3. People exist differently in the world.  Do not make the other person wrong just because you disagree.  We all need to learn that difference does not = wrong, it equals different!  It’s not OK to pout or be hurt because your partner has a different view.

Obviously, these are just a few examples.  There are many more how and why to fight fair.  If you want to know how to fight without making the other person wrong, without attacking their character, without being defensive or critical, then call me so I can give you the exact tools you need.

My couples therapy practice is based on over 40 years of scientifically validated research from the top minds in the field.  If you want to know what works, I have it and want to share it all. Let’s get started today!

Carrie

Equanimity, Accepting The “Good” With The “Bad”

“Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness. And the word happy would lose it’s meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come with patience and equanimity.” –Carl Jung on Equanimity

Equanimity, or achieving mental or emotional stability or composure, especially under tension or strain; similar to the idea of acceptance, equanimity is accepting the “good” with the “bad” without judgement.

“But Erika, I don’t like the “bad””

Totally get it. And…like it or not, “bad” happens. Bad days, bad moods, bad fights, bad bosses, bad drivers, bad sleep… “Bad” will always happen to everyone.

Since “bad” is unavoidable, you’re left with having to choose how you handle the inevitable.

You can fight it or judge it or deny it. You can numb it with addiction to sex, food, work or drugs. You can ignore it and wonder why your sleep sucks, you’re irritable, your sex life is suffering, or you can’t concentrate. You can blame it for your lack of fulfillment, peace, or happiness. You can hide out, micromanage your life, spin your wheels trying to perfect yourself to avoid it. All of these have an impact on you, your relationships, and sometimes your community.

Or you can learn to tolerate it with equanimity (notice I didn’t say “like”, “agree with”, or “allow to continue”).

“Ugh…ok. Maybe I could try this equanimity, but how?”

Glad you asked.

Here are 8 steps to equanimity:

1. Set your intention to practice. Life will provide opportunities to practice and setting an intention keeps your eyes open to those opportunities.

2. Notice attempts to avoid or fight or judge the “bad”

3. Breathe deeply…it will calm you down and create space to try new skills

4. Acknowledge the “bad” and that you don’t like it

5. Breathe again. This is hard stuff

6. Remind yourself that you’re practicing equanimity and it’s possible that you can accept this “bad”

7. If you’re feeling bold and sassy, try to assign meaning to the “bad” (some suggestions: “I can learn from this”, “I can find gratitude in this”, “I can connect during this”, “I can relate to others better by experiencing this”, “I can be more present in my life by acknowledging this”)

8. Rinse and repeat steps 1-7 as needed.

When you are having a tough time, take a seat and try these steps.  Set aside some time right now or later today and see how much better you feel.  Then do it again the next time you need it.  Try it daily – you might just love it!

Need more? We are here to help, we want to help!  You deserve it.  Call or email Erika today.

20 Reasons to Consider Couples Counseling

Are you considering couples counseling for yourself and your partner? Looking for help is the first step. Here are 20 reasons to consider couples counseling:

• You keep thinking to yourself that you and your spouse / partner aren’t communicating well. I give you the EXACT couples counseling exercises and techniques you need in order to express yourself effectively.

• You keep having the same arguments over and over. In couples counseling, we will figure out what habits are sabotaging your efforts and why you aren’t getting your needs met.

• You can’t remember what the arguing was about in the first place. It started as a complaint about a dirty table and ended up about how you feel totally disrespected!  In this part of couples therapy, we will uncover what your underlying needs are and how you are contributing to the cycle of fighting.

• You can’t figure out how to phrase something so that the other person can actually hear it, you don’t feel heard. If this is during an argument, it is likely that you are trying to persuade your partner that you are right.  In couples therapy we will explore why this hardly ever works and tell you what you need to do instead.

• You feel like you walk on egg shells all the time. Couples therapy will help you stand up for yourself effectively while not putting the other person down so they can have an open mind about your point of view.

• You are constantly wondering if you are living up to their expectations. You don’t have to live up to their expectations!  Those expectations belong to them, not you.

• You feel like a crappy mom / wife / husband – so much guilt around not being good enough. We will explore why you are good enough right now and how you can feel even better.  You ARE enough.

• You are wondering where the passion went! This is retrievable, you have to make the time and commitment!  You need to plan, to pay attention and to be active in your relationship.  I will also give you homework assignments to help with the awkwardness!

• You are having better conversations with friends and coworkers than your spouse / partner. Couples counseling shows you how to reignite that spark and to avoid the temptation of doing it with somebody else.

• You are avoiding going home because home is actually lonely even though somebody else is in the house. I will show you how to gently reintroduce conversation into the relationship that is completely gentle and reengaging – oh and it’s fun.

• You need to figure out how to have boundaries in your relationship. Don’t be a doormat and let people walk all over you!

• You feel bad about getting angry. Anger sets a boundary – couples counseling will show you why this emotion is KEY!

• Baggage! We all have it.  Couples therapy will show you how to unpack that baggage and leave it in the dust.

• Only 25% of couples know how to fight fair. Most of us, 75%, are royally screwing this up and were never given the tools we need.  Couples therapy with me will show you the 12 skills you need to join the ranks of the successful couples.

• There are 4 nails in the coffin for relationships. Defensiveness, contempt, criticism and stonewalling…but one is the deadliest.  Couples counseling will show you how to avoid these relationship killers and give you the antidotes.

• Most couples don’t realize that their nervous systems are soothed in often opposite ways. What makes one person feel good brings out anxiety in the other.  Couples counseling gives you ways to maintain emotional stability when those anxiety producing moments pop up.

• We often feel we’re made to be wrong in situations when our partners don’t agree with us. We aren’t wrong, we just have a different viewpoint.  Couples counseling shows you how to react effectively when you feel blamed or when your partner believes you are more to blame.

• Affairs – this is a biggie. Yes – you can move beyond it.   Yes – you can heal from it.

• There are 9 emotional habits that will never serve you in a relationship. With over 40 years of research from the top minds in the field, I will show you the 9 habits that you need to say bye-bye to and which habits you want to embrace.

• Couples therapy can be FUN! Sure there are tough times, but let’s get you back to the place you want to be and to bring the joy back into your relationship.  I give homework and readings to every couple I work with.  These are fun, ego-boosting assignments meant to exercise and build your emotional muscle.

If any of these reasons sound like a good idea to you to consider couple counseling, please call me to set up a first appointment.  Couples counseling and relationship therapy should never be a scary or blaming place.  With me, it is a place to gather all the tools and skills you need to be a member of that 25% that does it right.  Anybody can join that group! Let’s talk today!

Interview with an Artist - Anthony Crawford

Living your best life takes many forms and requires many skills. One of the top ten skills is creativity. Creativity and mental health, and their influence on each other is interesting to me personally and professionally. Sometimes the greatest art is born of pain and suffering. Sometimes pain and suffering rob us of creativity.  Because it's interesting to me, because I hope I can spark some thought and creativity in my clients and readers, and because I selfishly like picking the brains of creative people, I decided to do a series of interviews about creativity and mental health.

This interview is with Anthony Crawford, Denver based comedian, show host, podcaster, and writer. I was introduced to him when he featured at Comedy Works in Denver and then through his podcast “Talking Shop” where he geeks out on the business and craft of comedy. Lucky for me, he was willing to take some time from honing his craft to answer my questions. Enjoy!

1.     You're an artist. What kind of art do you do?

I am a stand-up comedian, actor & writer

2.     It's not uncommon for creative types to struggle with mental health issues. What do you see as the interplay between mental health and creativity?

I think it's because we're always studying & dissecting things that others have find fun & relaxing. Instead of having fun, you're too busy trying to figure out how they did it. At least that how it is with me. That coupled with the fact that people who like you want you to be "on" all the time....it gets old. Essentially life becomes your job with no way to clock out.....unless you quit.

3.     You can't possibly feel creative all the time. What do you do to foster creativity and practice your craft even when you're not feeling it? Any tricks you've picked up to help you get out of your own way?

I just try to do new things. Go to a place I've never been. Walking while talking to myself had been helpful as well. I look crazy but it helps. I also Google things I don't think exist.

4.     If you could suggest one thing for my readers to do to help them live their best life, what would that be?

They should remember that it can always be worse. What you're going thru maybe bad, but it could always be worse. They'll get thru it. A happy day is around the corner. Maybe change something in your everyday routine. Change can make a huge difference.

Check out Anthony at www.CrawfordComedy.com

Follow him on Twitter at @CrawfordComedy

Listen to his Podcast “Talking Shop” http://sexpotcomedy.com/category/podcasts/talkin-shop/

Take a look at my other interviews here!