May Meditation Series: Loving Kindness Meditation

This kind of meditation, also called Metta meditation, is about developing a sense of love, ease, and spaciousness. Not only do we take control of our mind but our heart and purposefully cultivate emotion.

This can be a wonderful practice to challenge self loathing or perfectionsim. It can be helpful for pushing past anger and hurt in relationships. It can even be helpful in traffic or while watching the news or facebook when emotions can run hot at times.

Below is a script from the contemplative mind website that outlines the practice.

"Breathing in and out from the heart center, begin by generating this kind feeling toward yourself. Feel any areas of mental blockage or numbness, self-judgment, self-hatred. Then drop beneath that to the place where we care for ourselves, where we want strength and health and safety for ourselves.

Continuing to breathe in and out, use either these traditional phrases or ones you choose yourself. Say or think them several times.

May I be free from inner and outer harm and danger. May I be safe and protected.

May I be free of mental suffering or distress.

May I be happy.

May I be free of physical pain and suffering.

May I be healthy and strong.

May I be able to live in this world happily, peacefully, joyfully, with ease.

Next, move to a person who most invites the feeling of pure unconditional loving kindness, the love that does not depend on getting anything back. The first person is usually someone we consider a mentor, a benefactor, an elder. It might be a parent, grandparent, teacher, someone toward whom it takes no effort to feel respect and reverence, someone who immediately elicits the feeling of care. Repeat the phrases for this person: “May she be safe and protected….”

After feeling strong unconditional love for the benefactor, move to a person you regard as a dear friend and repeat the phrases again, breathing in and out of your heart center.

Now move to a neutral person, someone for whom you feel neither strong like nor dislike. As you repeat the phrases, allow yourself to feel tenderness, loving care for their welfare.

Now move to someone you have difficulty with–hostile feelings, resentments. Repeat the phrases for this person. If you have difficulty doing this, you can say before the phrases, “To the best of my ability I wish that you be….” If you begin to feel ill will toward this person, return to the benefactor and let the loving kindness arise again. Then return to this person.

Let the phrases spread through your whole body, mind, and heart.

After the difficult person, radiate loving kindness out to all beings. Stay in touch with the ember of warm, tender loving-kindness at the center of your being, and begin to visualize or engender a felt sense of all living beings. The traditional phrases are these:

May all beings be safe, happy, healthy, live joyously…..

May all living beings be safe, happy, healthy, live joyously…..

May all breathing beings be safe, happy, healthy, live joyously…..

May all individuals be safe, happy, healthy, live joyously…..

May all beings in existence be safe, happy, healthy, live joyously….."

Anatomy of an Argument: Step 2 - Avoid a Judgemental Attitude

We first looked into fighting with your spouse or partner effectively and focusing on your own reactions. Here is step two of the anatomy of an argument:

Do you try to be open minded and flexible when you are at odds with your partner?  Research has shown that those people who are able to remain flexible are more successful at getting their partners to treat them the way they feel they deserve to be treated.  

Most often when we find ourselves in an argument we have competing agendas.  When we find ourselves in this position, we typically end up making the other person “wrong” in one way or another.  A silly example is driving… which lane do you prefer, what speed, what route?  How many of you have been driving and get criticized one way or the other?  Odds are you aren’t doing anything wrong, it is just different from your mate.

Do your best not to jump to negative conclusions regarding your partner.  Instead, it is best to get curious about why they acted they way they did or said what they did.  Automatically assuming the worst is an invitation for your partner to become instantly defensive and angry.  If you want your mate to meet you in the middle, this is a skill you need to master.

Happy couples will get curious before they get defensive.  Next time you find yourself in grid-lock, ask yourself if the other’s actions / beliefs / opinions are really wrong, or just legitimately different than yours.  This is where constructive compromise happens so both parties feel heard and understood.  

Please call me and I will give you all the knowledge I have on fighting fair.  I help couples navigate arguments daily, let me help you, too.

Favorite Podcast of the Week - The Hilarious World of Depression

My favorite podcast of the week is The Hilarious World of Depression.  Have you listened to this??!!  It’s so amazing.  John Moe, a comedian and the host of the podcast, has discussions with a lot of famous people about a silent but often deadly disease, he also makes you laugh about it.  His first question to all guests, usually comedians, is “Is depression funny?”.  They all answer yes, and then they talk about the lonely side of the disease when you try to manage it on your own.

I love this podcast for several reasons and am always on the lookout for a new episode.  Like I said, he is having in-depth, very personal conversations about depression and its debilitating effects.  So much of what we witness about depression is on TV ads or in magazines in small print that makes no sense - If you take this drug you might feel better.  Don’t get me wrong, I think psychopharmaceuticals are fantastic, but what John is doing is different. He is normalizing depression by introducing you to famous people who suffer and how they are combating their mental illness. He puts well known faces to depression making it relatable.  You probably need more than a dose of medicine daily to really combats this nightmare.

John gives listeners tips and tricks in every episode.  Everybody deals with and handles their depression differently.  He gives listeners mini episodes as well, some of which are listener based.  People email him with their personal strategies.  I tell all my clients that no matter what, you need an arsenal of weapons, a toolbox full of ideas because some days your go-to weapon won’t cut it. 

Here’s a link to the podcast - go get it!  AND, stop struggling alone!  We want to help you, call us right now and start feeling better today.  Let’s build your own personal arsenal to kick depression’s ass. 

Carrie

303-881-3355

Type Two Fun

My friends and I are admittedly weird. We like to do distance running, running at high altitude, and training for marathons. What makes us  weird is that we call these types of activities "fun", but we like to use the term "Type Two Fun". For example: Running the Mount Evans Ascent is Type Two Fun. Getting up at 5am to do a long training run for a marathon is Type Two Fun. Climbing the Manitou Incline is Type Two Fun. You get the picture? Type Two fun is the kind of fun that's not fun in the moment. It’s the kind of fun that exists in nervous excitement and hard earned accomplishment. It’s the kind of fun that hurts so good.

Having this label that includes the word fun helps, at least for me. It anchors me in my sense of choice...signing up for type two fun activities is purely elective. It anchors me in meaning and values...I know I will be proud of myself for persevering. It anchors me in creating and holding space for pain...pain is part of the deal of this kind of fun and not something to be avoided or denied.

But I’ve started thinking "what if I generalized this concept?" What if I applied it to work or relationships? How much more tolerable would life be if I remember that I'm empowered to make choices, follow values, and embrace some pain in other areas of my life?

Calling something Type Two Fun doesn’t flatten a steep inclined trail or push my alarm back to 8am instead of 5am. It won't write that report, alleviate rush hour traffic, erase that misunderstanding with your partner, or make potty training your child easy. But it can create space and might be worth a try.

Focus on Your Focus

This picture was taken the other day in front of my house. You can’t see it, but two feet away there's a dumpster. Both were in my environment. I just chose to focus on the flowering tree. It got me thinking how our power and our happiness lies in our focus.

We can’t control our past, our friends and family, our thoughts, our moods, our biology....etc. Instead of focusing on what we can’t control, I find it helpful to focus on what we can control. And one thing we can control is our focus. So instead of being a victim or a slave to circumstances, we can find some control, some mastery, some relief in our focus.

So instead of focusing on traffic, you can focus on music. Instead of focusing on anger from the fight you had last night with your partner, you can focus on self care, empathy for your partner, and underlying desire to keep your partnership alive. Instead of focusing on counting calories,, you can focus on the company and conversations at the dinner table. Instead of focusing on your racing heart, you can focus on slowing and deepening your breathing during a panic attack. You get the picture.

This is a skill. It takes practice. It’s not magic, it’s mindfulness.

Adventures in Neurofeedback - A Case Study

A 25 year old female came in for neurofeedback training at request of her therapist. This client was dealing with anxiety, an eating disorder, and difficulty tolerating and expressing emotions. These symptoms were chronic, since she was a teenager, but exacerbated by grief over her best friend's suicide. She had been doing intensive individual and group therapy, but kept noticing internal walls and blockages that kept her feeling stuck and frustrated.

Enter neurofeedback.

After 5 sessions she was sleeping better and able to complete a shift at work with only one cup of coffee (instead of her previous 4-6 cups). A month into our 2x/week treatment, her therapist called and said she cried in session. Typically she would get squirmy, use humor, or dissociate, but instead she was able to stay in her emotions and connect. After about 10 sessions, she reported that she had eating disorder urges, but she was able to notice them, evaluate them and label them as urges, notice underlying emotions driving her behavior, and often, not act on the urges.

By helping her brain regulate itself through neurofeedback training, she was able to use the tools offered in therapy and make major changes in her life.

If you think you might benefit from neurofeedback, shoot us an email or give us a call.

Men and Machismo and Therapy, Men LOVE Therapy

Calling all Machismo...Listen up

I have this fantastic pair I am working with in couples therapy.  These two – in the beginning – and I am NOT exaggerating, could hardly say one sentence without the other one jumping all over them.  True story.

Today they are in session and he is telling me how mortified he was coming into my office for the first session.  To him, it meant failure and he (and I quote) “doesn’t fail”.  This is a guy who wakes up every morning and declares himself a winner in the mirror ( I LOVE THIS!!!).  He’s a very successful businessman who I imagine is definitely in charge at work and his tone is BIG.  She is soft spoken and had trouble standing up for herself because she put everybody else first.  She is certainly not a pushover, rather a care-taker who put herself and her spouse second or third on the list of importance.  They each had their faults.  While I was definitely concerned about these two, I also saw the passion that they have for each other, their careers and those they love.  Even when they were seriously pissed off at each other, they were holding hands.  It was sort of like, I am so pissed off at you and terrified of losing you at the same time… so don’t let go.

As for the “failure”, now he “loves” coming in and talking and these two are doing fantastic.  I felt like I really pushed both of them during one of our sessions and I seriously wondered if they would be back.  I wondered about these two all week long.

Hooray!  Each one stepped up in a way they had never done before.  Both gave something that they were terrified of giving.  Once they gave, the other softened.  They each now had some really good faith that the other was all-in, no going back.  That’s all they needed was to know that 100% the other wasn’t taking off and that they were secure with each other.

They have civil arguments now, they each know their growing edges and where they still need to do the work.  She brings in the couples manual every week and shows where she has fallen short and where her work is still in progress.  I love this story because I have only seen them XX times.  Therapy doesn’t have to be some year-long process.  When you commit and dig in you are in control.  I want you to be in control and I want you to get your power back.

Let me help you get the control back in your relationship, for each of you, asap.  You can come in by yourself or with a partner.   Why won’t many men come in for therapy? Because they feel like they have failed. Failure is NOT coming in, so be a winner 😉 Call me asap

Couples therapy is a winner’s game.

Validation Strategies: Bonus - Validate yo' self!! Part Two

Validation isn't just for external relationships. If you want to take it to the next level with some upper division therapy shit, try the validation strategies on yourself. I'll be doing bonus blogs with each validation strategy to give pointers for how to validate yourself so you can heal and strengthen your relationship with you.

Strategy Two: Reflect back!

In the same way we can reflect back to others (see reflect back blog), we can use this skill intrapersonally to build a relationship with ourselves.

But, how!?!

Glad you asked! We reflect back by observing our experience and putting words on it. You can do this by journaling or by just labeling things in your head (yup...I'm advocating talking to yourself. You do it anyway, might as well do it intentionally and use your inner monologue to validate rather than tear you down!) Notice thoughts, emotions, behaviors, body sensations, action urges, ect. This observing and describing helps us be mindful, slow down, notice patterns, and gain insight.

Example: "So when he was late to dinner I took it personally and got mad." By making that statement you give yourself the opportunity to check the facts and question if it was actually personal, it can help you feel empathy in the situation, and it can help identify your triggers.

This is best done with an nonjudgmental stance and a sense of curiosity. It'd be rad to take that last example and add the phrase "isn’t that interesting" to the end. So it would be "when he was late to dinner, I took it personally and got mad. Isn’t that interesting." Your relationship with yourself will grow leaps and bounds by seeing yourself with spaciousness and grace and wonder.