How to Let Someone Love You

We all know that relationships are hard. People can be mean or cold or violent or inconsistent. They can abandon you or invalidate you or scare you or hurt you. (Am I selling relationships or what!?!). As a therapist specializing in couples counseling, I help people who need to talk through those risks.

What I hadn’t heard being talked about much, but what I’m talking about a lot with clients now,  is how hard it is to let people actually love you and treat you well.

It’s so hard that instead we accept less than we deserve. Or we push away people who are present and attentive. Or we start to give away parts of our selves or our boundaries because it’s hard to trust that love can be ours if we remain our true self.  Despite wanting love, allowing ourselves to be loved can be so so hard. 

If what you are reading sounds like what you are going through, that’s OK! Becasue:

1. You’re not alone

2. There’s probably some important and valid and painful reasons why being loved feels so hard

3. Change is possible.

Start to watch for places you block love. Start to watch for places you don’t have love or show love for yourself. Start to take baby steps towards being loving to yourself and letting other’s love in. 

If you are struggling with this in your life, please reach out or book an appointment. We are here and ready to help.

-Erika

Attachment and How It Impacts Your Relationships

Attachment is a bond that is formed in early childhood between infants and their primary caregivers. Attachment bonds impact our relationships well into adulthood and informs how we think about ourselves, how we relate to others, and how we function in romantic relationships. We are biologically wired for attachment because it ensures that we are safe and can survive the years when we are too young to care for ourselves.

Secure attachment bonds form when babies cry and caregivers are effective in soothing the child. Secure children expect that when they reach out, a caregiver will be there to respond to their needs. These individuals grow into adults who find it relatively easy to be close to their romantic partners and are comfortable depending on them.

An insecure attachment bond forms when caregivers are inconsistent, unreliable, or inappropriate in responding to the child’s emotions. There are two common types of insecure attachment and are formed based on the type of caregiver response. Caregivers who are inconsistent in their response are sometimes effective in responding to a child’s needs and other times the child may feel ignored or shamed for their emotions. This produces children who have an anxious attachment style. In adult relationships these individuals often appear co-dependent and worry about whether or not they will be abandoned in their relationship.

When caregivers ignore or minimize their child’s emotions, children form avoidant attachments. As adults, these individuals minimize their own emotions and struggle to engage with their partner’s emotional needs. A third, less common insecure attachment style called disorganized attachment is formed when caregivers are so inconsistent in their responses that they become source of fear for the child. Because the child does not know what to expect, they attempt both anxious and avoidant strategies. Adults with disorganized attachment usually yearn for intimacy with a romantic partner but fear intimacy just as much.

Knowing your attachment style is key to understanding how you operate in all kinds of relationships, especially your romantic relationships. Please reach out or schedule an appointment if you are interested in understanding more about your or your partner’s attachment style.

When Your Partner's Not on Board with Couples Counseling

"I know something needs to change. I've brought up counseling to my partner but they don't want to go. I think we need it, but they aren't budging."

Sound familiar? If this if you, you're not alone.  I hear this from clients (and friends) a lot.  It's a tough place to be in and may bring up a number of thoughts and feelings in you when you need couples therapy but you're partner is not on board. You may give up, bury feelings of sadness, fear, and resentment only have those feelings come out sideways at a later time. You may try to argue, coerce, threaten, or pester. You may even be passive aggressive. Unfortunately all these strategies are effective in making things worse, but not effective in making your relationship better or getting your partner to therapy. They may even reinforce your partner's idea that this is your problem and push them farther away from agreeing to work on their own part in all this.

"Yikes, that is NOT what I want!"

I know! My suggestion: take the advice of Gandhi to "be the change you wish to see in the world" and do couples counseling for one.

"But, Erika," you say, "if I go to therapy, the terrorists win! That's not fair. My partner needs to do this with me too."

Maybe. In a perfect world, you wouldn't couples therapy need it in the first place. But are you willing to give up or burn up the relationship because it’s not fair!?!

So, while you'd prefer for your partner to join, is that always imperative in order to create positive change in your relationship?? Maybe not. Here's some points to ponder...

1. You are ultimately the only one you can change. The Serenity prayer says "grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."  You can’t change your partner, but you can change you and individual therapy can help with that.

2. In systems theory, changing one part of the system can promote change the whole system. If you’ve been stressed, chances are you’ve been operating at a suboptimal level in your relationship. It’s possible the poor communication and bad habits of your partner are a reaction to some of your poor communication and bad habits. When you change you, it’s possible some of those negative feedback loops can change too.

3. When you are working on you, you are in a better position to suggest the other person be working and changing too. When they see that therapy isn’t horrible, it isn’t about blaming, and that it’s promoting change that benefits both partners, some people are more open to going themselves.

4. Waiting until both people agree to get help often means both people are in crisis, both have been severely hurt. Both are, simultaneously, more desperate for change and more deeply stuck. And then people wonder why therapy doesn’t feel helpful. The deeper you dig that pain pit, the longer it takes to crawl out of it...even with help.

For more info about how to create change in your relationship, contact us today. We're here to help.

May Meditation Series: Mindfulness Snacks

Meditation doesn't have to be formal or last for extended periods of time. Sometimes, there is just as much benefit from doing random mindfulness throughout the day. The idea is to simply control your focus whenever you can/whenever you think of it. It will help with attention, help get unstuck from old patterns, help avoid being a mindless zombie, help cultivate excitement and gratitude, etc.

3 Basic ways to focus attention and be mindful:

1. Observe. Just notice. Look at your surroundings, your body, your thoughts. Move your eyes, move your head. Cultivate awareness and curiosity.

2. Describe. Put words to your experience. Lable what you notice. Try to avoid judgement. You can do this silently, in your head. You can also use this skill in conversation or by journaling.

3. Participate. Show up. Throw your whole body and mind into what you're doing. Let go of judgement or expectations or self consciousness.

Make Taking a Break from an Argument Effective

Time outs can be a great strategy to diffuse an escalating argument with your partner. But if you haven't tried this strategy, it can be ineffective or make things worse. In order to increase the odds that it works, try these tips.

1. Agree on the strategy ahead of time. Asking for space during a fight can trigger abandonment fears in your partner. They may continue to pursue out of fear and you may feel trapped or smothered and both of you feel more distressed. Talking about it ahead of time can help you lay ground rules and create a shared meaning and understanding that a break is meant to be a helpful tool not a destructive weapon.

2. Set a time to reconvene. Taking a break is meant to help you calm down so you can headdress the conflict with cooler heads. It's not a way to avoid a topic. Setting a time helps manage anxieties that both parties won't be heard or that a resolution won't be reached. People are more likely to disengage if they know they can reconnect later.

3. Don't use the break to rehearse your zingers or low blows or to remind yourself how right you are or how wrong they are. Instead, use time to calm down, and come back to goals and values. I suggest doing deep breathing. If you're not breathing calmly, you can't talk calmly.

Still need help? We are relationship experts and can help you and your partner fight effectively. Contact us today. 

Let's Talk About Triggers

Let’s be honest, it’s probably the recently past holiday season that’s inspiring me to write about triggers.  We all have them.  I’m guessing that when you combine family, food, alcohol and never ending Christmas music, most of us are bound to get triggered!  I’d bet that getting triggered is a part of life for anyone who spends any time around other people.  Getting triggered can be a complete disaster or no big deal at all.  It all depends on how we respond.  Think about it, if someone is constantly getting triggered and reacts with major emotional outbursts to every one, they may not have a lot of success functioning in our society.  Why we get triggered by some things and not by others is a bit of a mystery.  It can childhood experiences, upsetting events in life, or just plain old pet peeves!

If your goal is not let triggers impact your life in any meaningful way, then the key is to have little or no reaction to the triggering event.  In order to accomplish that, you must first dive into some self-awareness.  The first step is recognize when you are being triggered.  It’s generally a physiological reaction, so notice what’s going on in your body.  For me, my face gets hot, breathing gets short, and I lose any sense of patience immediately.  Noticing what happens in your body when you’re being triggered can help you figure out why someone’s seemingly innocent comment or action has made you feel furious out of nowhere. I am also able to notice that I am completely over-reacting to situation.  I’ll say to myself, “that wasn’t a big deal, why am so angry all of a sudden?!”  That’s one way I know I’m being triggered.

The next step is to monitor and control your reactions to being triggered.  Once you’ve been able to identify the feelings that are associated with your triggers, what is your reaction going to be?  If you’re like most of us, you’d like your reaction to be something along the lines of flipping over the nearest table doing your best impression of the Hulk.   However, if that is your response, you may not keep jobs or friends too easily.  Another common response is the passive aggressive approach.  This is when you keep all your anger and irritation on the inside, and respond with a calm, well thought out comment that you know will really upset the person triggering you.  What about a new approach?  The next time you get triggered, try first acknowledging that what’s happening to you by being aware of your physiological responses.  Then make a conscious choice to keep calm and come up with an appropriate response that you won’t regret later.  

If you are still having issues with triggers and feel like you need a little extra help, please reach out! I would love to talk to you.