Treat Yourself! Self Care Week 2 - Making Physical and Mental Space

How did week one go?  Were you able to carve out one or more nights to have a luxurious bath all to yourself without being interrupted? I hope so. 

This week let’s talk about clearing out some physical space to make room for a relaxed mental space.  Pick one day, or more if you feel like it.  This isn’t about a whole house spring cleaning.  You might even need to start small.  Pick something that feels just about right and start there.  For example, if you have a gigantic closet filled with boxes upon boxes, pick one box. 

If you can pick just one small thing like this a week you will feel lighter and hopefully have more mental freedom to conquer other tasks.  If you decide you want to do this everyday, you might also want to consider make four piles.  Make one pile for donate, one for trash, one for selling and one for keeping and then put the things in that pile away.

By the end of this year you will have eased into an organized life in a gentle way filled with self-care!  Additional options for while you are clearing out: listen to your favorite music, whatever brings you peace and pour yourself a lovely cup of tea.    

As always, feel free to comment and share your accomplishments!

Valentine's Day for One

I used to hate this holiday, even if I had a boyfriend.  So much pressure!  I always felt like I *should* be going out to dinner at an expensive restaurant but I didn’t want to. I didn’t like getting flowers and I am not a chocolate fan.  I would rather have a big steak and fries  So while this is a holiday totally geared towards couples, this year I am going to make it about me!  I think you should join me in the rebellion.

After I tend to the things I can’t ignore in the morning, the dog, my son and getting out of bed, here is my plan for the day.  I don’t want to come up with things at the last moment, so I am planing weeks in advance.  

Things I have planned to make this a lovely day for me, myself and I.  

*Breakfast - taking myself out for a quiet, peaceful way to start my day and really indulge in all the flavors.  No calorie counting allowed, mimosas encouraged.  I invited my good buddy Lindsay to come with me.  

*Pedicure - the longer version where it takes about an hour or more. Pamper pamper pamper me.

*Dog Park - this might seem odd, but I love going by myself and listening to my favorite book or podcast.  Fletcher can run around while I stroll.  Plan B if it’s a snow day: movie at home on couch with Fletcher, knitting and a roaring fire.

*Finish up my art project I started a few months ago.  

*Writing a love letter to somebody I love a whole bunch, somebody who won’t expect it.

*Dinner will be with my family because that would be weird to ignore them, plus I already made the entire first part of the day one of indulgence for myself.  Dinner will be about love in general.  It will also be steak and fries!  

The goal here is to know that you can bring self-love and compassion throughout the day.  You can do this any day of the year.  I just think it is fun to turn the tables on a traditional day and make it count for you and what you need.  I hope you join me and celebrate yourself all day long.  This could become a really cool habit.

Taking care of yourself 1st so you can then give back to others.

(P.S. - I just told Chad about this post and he said I should do this weekly.  MISSION ACCOMPLISHED)  

Treat Yourself! Self Care Week 1

I have made big lists on self-care and have posted about my lists.  The other day I thought to myself, when I see those big lists that others put together, it sometimes feels overwhelming.  So this time I am going to tell you guys just one little thing you can do to take care of yourself, and you can decide if you want to try it out or not.  If you think you want to try it, do it daily or every few days for one week and see how it goes.  

Things you will need:

• A bathtub or a hot tub

• Candles, many of them

• Something to set them on

• Matches

• Cozy robe or your favorite towel

• Neck rest / rolled up towel

Optional:

• Bubble bath

• A book

• Music

• Lights / no lights

• Locked door

• Incense

This is time out for you and nobody is allowed to intrude or come to you with problems.  

**Disclaimer**I have to give full credit to my husband who is “making” me do this several times a week and I loooove it.  It was his idea.  He actually set this all up for me, but anybody can set this up and do it for themselves and it will still feel amazing.

Enjoy week #1! Each week we will add a new self-care habit to keep you refreshed and focused on yourself.

Always remember, you are not able to fully give to others or to your relationship if you are depleted and drained.  This is the year of YOU.  Take charge and be selfish in the best possible way so that you can give in the best possible way.

Carrie

You Can Do Hard Things

When I did the LA marathon, I did it in memory of my grandma. She died of lung disease, so I ran to celebrate the use of my lungs in her honor and, to memorialize that intention, on my race bib it said, "for GG". 

I’d never run more than a half marathon before signing up for LA, but I trained well, even though all the training was hard. I got to the start line on race day and was so excited for the thing I'd been anticipating and preparing for that I went out fast. It didn't feel too fast - it felt great, and I was so proud of myself. But then I started to get tired, and my stomach cramped up. I saw a friend of mine pass me by and it looked like she was floating while I was barely hanging on and I was pissed at how hard this was for me. Then my legs started to hurt and added fear to my frustration. I stopped to walk in Beverly Hills. I was crying. It felt like my options were to get injured or quit. I took out my earbuds so I could ask someone to use their phone to call my parents to come get me. Just then someone happened to yell out "Do it for GG". "God damn it" I said with a laugh and the innate knowing of what I now had to do. I cried more...but they were different tears. I didn't quit. I walked a bit more but then started running and finished the damn thing. 

My takeaway is that when I'm tired, I don't have to be stubborn and hurt myself but also that I can tend to forget my own strength. I am helped by connecting to my goals and values and taking a little break to regroup and finish what I start. 

If you're like me and my clients, these last few years have been draining...to say it politely. Life just feels hard and burn-out either has happened, is happening, or is looming on the horizon for most of us. What do we do when life hands us hard things? What do we do when we're tired, even of the things we know we want to do?  What do we do when we're walking through Beverly Hills, towel in hand, looking to just throw it in? 

While you might not have run a marathon, but I imagine you've done hard things. Fuck that – I KNOW you've done hard things. It's helpful to know how you tend to respond to stress - I tend to ignore it, then judge it, then when I’m really stressed, I want to give up. And I’m a therapist and a marathon finisher. And that all still happens. You have probably observed patterns when at work or in relationships or even in traffic or a hard yoga class for how you respond. Know those and know they are signs of stress. You don't have to listen to them and let them dictate your behavior. But it does help to recognize them and acknowledge that you're stressed and need to do something about it. 

Then see if you can remember what you did to get through hard things in the past. For me, in the marathon it was taking a break and connecting to values and remembering my strength. I’m also helped reliably by music and talking to trusted people. Maybe you journal or do art or have a mantra or memory that helps you when you remember it. We all have our process. What’s yours? When you know what you've done in the past, you can be more confident that you can overcome the current situation and use past solutions as a jumping off point to problem solve whatever life stuff you're dealing with now. 

You also don't have to do all this alone. If you're stressed and overwhelmed and don't know where to start, reach out, we love to help! 

Interview with an Artist: Katerina Cizkova

Living your best life takes many forms and requires many skills. One of the top ten skills is creativity. Creativity and mental health and their influence on each other is interesting to me personally and professionally. Sometimes the greatest art is born of pain and suffering. Sometimes pain and suffering rob us of creativity.  Because it's interesting to me, because I hope I can spark some thought and creativity in my clients and readers, and because I selfishly like picking the brains of creative people, I decided to do a series of interviews about creativity and mental health. This interview is Katerina Cizkova, artist and illustrator. She was gracious enough to take time from studying psychology and being creative to chat with me. Enjoy (ps. The artwork included is hers!)

1. You're an artist. What kind of art do you do?

Although I feel very happy being called an artist, technically I´m still a psychology student in the first place. The art I do doesn´t pay for my living although I would love to get to a point where it partly does so that I could put more time into it without paying for my life and studies doing other jobs. I enjoy all kinds of creative work and I love experimenting and taking up new skills. The most confident I am about my drawing and writing and one of my biggest dreams is to write and illustrate my own children's book. I have lot of ideas in my head and I'm slowly making them happen. I love challenges and I feel very happy when people approach me and ask me to cooperate and create something together.

2. It's not uncommon for creative types to struggle with mental health issues. What do you see as the interplay between mental health and creativity?

There is a very close link between these two. I would say that when we live an authentic happy life we allow our full creative potential to unfold. And in the same time, as we know from the history of art, even great suffering can lead to an amazing creativity. I believe that the link are strong emotions, both positive or negative, that pressure us to express ourselves in some deeper way when mere spoken words aren't enough.

3. You can't possibly feel creative all the time. What do you do to foster creativity and practice your craft even when you're not feeling it? Any tricks you've picked up to help you get out of your own way?

Just do something else for a little while. It´s an old advice but it really works. I usually stop working for a while and then I keep doing something creative but something I do not feel pressured to do. So instead of writing, I sit down and draw or knit for a bit. That usually helps me to relax and stop focusing so much on the „I have to come up with something amazing“ sentence going on in my head. Going for a short walk and listening to my favourite music is also very inspirational. And in the times when I feel really creative, I´m writing all the ideas going through my head down. So even if I do not use them that very time, I will be grateful for them some other day.

4. If you could suggest one thing for my readers to do to help them live their best life, what would that be?

In the evening, before you fall asleep, go through your day one more time and try to write down what made you happy. Even the really small things like nice chat with a collegue, good piece of cake after a lunch or a pretty sunset on your way home. What we know as happiness is actually our ability to recall moments when we felt happy about something. And by writing these down everyday, we support these memories, we recall them easier and therefore we feel generally happier. And usually we find out that there were more pleasing moments than we think.

Get in touch with Katerina:

Instagram: katerinacizkova1510

Mail: katkacizkova@seznam.cz

Holiday Travel Podcast List

While you're traveling this holiday season, check these out

The holidays bring lots of love, gifts, family, and travel. It also brings some opportunities to listen to podcasts. There are lots of long rides in the car or time sitting on a plane (or hiding in your room because you just can't anymore). Why not take those opportunities to learn something about yourself and relationships and how to kick ass at dealing with both yourself and your relationships. Here are a couple suggestions, my holiday gift to you!

1. We Can Do Hard Things - Glennon Doyle and Abby Wambach and guests discuss boundaries, living authentictically, and embracing life on life's terms. They often have guests which range from celebrities to athletes to sex therapists and more.

2. Foreplay Radio - A sex therapist and couples counselor take deep dives into all things sex and relationships with an EFT (emotionally focused therapy) lens. They do a great job of exploring and validating how each partner may be feeling about and reacting to relationship issues like porn, grief, and conflict. They are helpful in role-playing deeply connected and hones conversations which can help to model communication skills for you and your partner. You could listen alone or listen together and let the conversations be a jumping off point for conversations with your loved one.

Obviously these arent a substitute for therapy, but they are a great supplement to the work you're already putting in to yourself and your relationships.

Enjoy!

Why I Ask My Husband If I May Spend Money

What was the very first thing that popped into your mind after reading this title?

Was it…

• He’s a super controlling husband!

• Wow, she has no backbone.

• Are we living in the 1950’s?

• Gag!  Typical gender roles!

Did you feel…

• Like puking?

• Anger?

• Confusion?

• Connection?

Just to be clear, I DO NOT ask for permission.  Chad and I have a few assigned roles in our relationship and one of them is that he handles most of the money and paying the bills.  I don’t want to handle it.  I am informed and we speak at least once a week about the money, but he is the one who is intimately involved with it. Therefore, I am inquiring about the state of affairs in our bank account.  We have a set amount of money that we can each spend without speaking to the other first.  In other situations, we agree to have a conversation about any amount above and beyond that.  If he wants to spend, he checks in with me and if I want to spend, I check in with him.  However, for years and years, I saw this as my husband trying to CONTROL me - and oh the fights we would have.  Now I know that control was never the case but I made it the issue.

When I finally realized it had nothing to do with control but all about having security for the family, I let go of that control thing.  I do have to say it took considerable effort to let go of that feeling. Couples get all wrapped up in situations where one person simply has more information but it comes across as controlling.  This is a mindset that needs shifting.  Look at the facts.  One of the major facts I overlooked was that I didn’t want to take care of the money and he did.  I opted out and then didn’t want to play along.  So I opted out and then got pissy when it didn’t suit me.

If that sounds at all familiar, ask yourself if YOU are being fair or if you are opting out and then not wanting to play by the rules you helped to create.  What rules have you broken that you co-created??   If you need help untying some of these twisted scenarios, we are experts at helping to heal relationships, call us!

You Can Procrastinate Tomorrow

It's getting to the end of the year and I've started to think about New Year's resolutions. While I love the ritual of setting intentions on a particular day, I had this thought "Why wait? Why put off goals and values? Why put off happiness? Live your life, Erika!"

It’s easy to say "I'll do it later."

But it never gets easier to make changes. It's not like reaching goals or living values gets magically easier when the clock strikes midnight on New Year's day.

Change comes in taking daily action and can start whenever. At any time you notice the opportunity, you can choose to make a better, more conscious, more effective, move towards goals and values.

Don't wait for it to be perfect or you'll wait forever.

So have that conversation. Go on that hike or take that yoga class. Save a couple extra dollars. Eat a healthy meal. Read a book or write in your journal. Set up that therapy appointment (hint hint...haha!). You can procrastinate on moving towards your goals tomorrow.